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Wedding Etiquette Forum
aurianna
member
Didn't receive a thank you note - should I inquire? / Another gripe
My FI and I went to a wedding of his old college roommate's back in September.
Background: We didn't know the bride at all. We were good friends with the groom back in the day, but he lives out of town now, so we don't keep in touch as much as we'd like (he's in our wedding though, so soon!).
We didn't send the present before the wedding; we sent it about a week after the fact. Still, it's been months now and we haven't received a thank you note (or at least we don't think we have; FI has a weird mailbox situation).
Now, I know she did send thank you notes, because when I was looking at her facebook page at her wedding pictures, there were two different people who'd commented on her wall about the thank you notes she'd sent.
So, then I was caught between being annoyed that we didn't get thanked (perhaps she only sent thank yous to her own friends and not the groom's?), and worried that our present didn't make it to them.
So last week, in a rarity, I caught the groom on IM and asked if they'd gotten the gift. He said, "Yeah. Thanks."
So here's the dilema: The groom is kind of flighty. And since he didn't mention what it was or take very long to respond to me, I'm not sure he actually checked or not. So it's possible that they really haven't gotten the gift and he just said they did (it's just the kind of thing he'd do).
So do I ask the bride instead to verify they got it [or to passive agressively rub it in that there was no thank you note]. Or do I accept that she didn't send one / note was lost in the mail and hope that the groom knew what he was talking about (still a gamble).
It's funny, because we also went to a wedding (FI's cousin) in early October that we haven't seen a thank you note for yet, and in that case, we also waited a week to send the present. It wasn't there right away so she sent an email to my FMIL asking her to ask us if we'd sent a gift because she "wanted to be sure to send a thank you." She got the present the day after she asked. This was two weeks ago. You'd think, if sending the notes was REALLY the reason she was rude enough to tattle on us to my FMIL, it would be here by now.
Blah.
Background: We didn't know the bride at all. We were good friends with the groom back in the day, but he lives out of town now, so we don't keep in touch as much as we'd like (he's in our wedding though, so soon!).
We didn't send the present before the wedding; we sent it about a week after the fact. Still, it's been months now and we haven't received a thank you note (or at least we don't think we have; FI has a weird mailbox situation).
Now, I know she did send thank you notes, because when I was looking at her facebook page at her wedding pictures, there were two different people who'd commented on her wall about the thank you notes she'd sent.
So, then I was caught between being annoyed that we didn't get thanked (perhaps she only sent thank yous to her own friends and not the groom's?), and worried that our present didn't make it to them.
So last week, in a rarity, I caught the groom on IM and asked if they'd gotten the gift. He said, "Yeah. Thanks."
So here's the dilema: The groom is kind of flighty. And since he didn't mention what it was or take very long to respond to me, I'm not sure he actually checked or not. So it's possible that they really haven't gotten the gift and he just said they did (it's just the kind of thing he'd do).
So do I ask the bride instead to verify they got it [or to passive agressively rub it in that there was no thank you note]. Or do I accept that she didn't send one / note was lost in the mail and hope that the groom knew what he was talking about (still a gamble).
It's funny, because we also went to a wedding (FI's cousin) in early October that we haven't seen a thank you note for yet, and in that case, we also waited a week to send the present. It wasn't there right away so she sent an email to my FMIL asking her to ask us if we'd sent a gift because she "wanted to be sure to send a thank you." She got the present the day after she asked. This was two weeks ago. You'd think, if sending the notes was REALLY the reason she was rude enough to tattle on us to my FMIL, it would be here by now.
Blah.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Didn't receive a thank you note - should I inquire? / Another gripe
Our Story MAJORLY UPDATED 8/6/09
Wouldn't it be nice to live together in the kind of world where we belong?
When I got pissed and said this was rude, FI said "So what? We got the note. Who cares how long it took?"
I made it very clear all our thank yous will be out within a month and that he will be writing half of them.
I usually start to wonder about thank you notes after 2 months, but I would wait and inquire after 3-4 months, minimum.
40/112
[QUOTE]Are you sure the thank you notes mentioned on FB were actually for wedding presents, and not shower presents?
Posted by LauraT25[/QUOTE]
Positive. One of the people on FB posted because she'd thanked them for a wedding present, when in fact it was a belated-shower present. She wanted to let her know that the wedding present was still coming.
I guess the only thing I can think of is she wrote her notes insanely early and our present hadn't gotten there yet, so maybe she's waiting to do a second batch of notes soon?
I'll have FI double check all his mail and his credit card statement, before I attempt to feel out the bride at the 3 month marker. I can mention her wedding pics. They're gorgeous. :)
Now with more wedded bliss.
I don't get married often, but when I do, I do it in Las Vegas.
"Lvharpy could be your AE." - direy25
"smokeybailey is the one shining beacon of light in this steaming turd of a thread." - daffodil_jill
"The almighty smokeybailey has spoken." - some bitch on the Las Vegas board
thanks, thats really nice. Im still pissed off about it.
In case I'm the only one that thinks this, according to all the other etiquette posts I've read, the bride and groom have up to a year past their wedding date to send Thank You cards. Especially if you sent your wedding gift a week after their ceremony, try and have some patience. :-)
[QUOTE]I'm still waiting on a thank you note from a wedding we went to in 2008.
Posted by smokeybailey[/QUOTE]
<div>Ditto.</div>
40/112
[QUOTE]In case I'm the only one that thinks this, according to all the other etiquette posts I've read, the bride and groom have up to a year past their wedding date to send Thank You cards. Especially if you sent your wedding gift a week after their ceremony, try and have some patience. :-)
Posted by ckonidak[/QUOTE]
<div>False. People have a year to send wedding gifts to the newlyweds. You should send your TYs ASAP, at least within 2 months of the wedding.</div>
40/112
[QUOTE]My cousin got married the end of july (a destination wedding we were given a months notice for that she knew we - my dads side of the family - wouldnt be able to make). No thank you card as of yet and its hitting the 4 month mark. I asked my aunt if they received the gift because I was concerned and was informed they only JUST picked it up from the store LAST WEEK because "it wasnt a priority". thanks, thats really nice. Im still pissed off about it.
Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]
Harsh!!! Not cool.
I wouldn't be as worried about it if I didn't already know that other people had gotten thank you notes. Some people having already gotten them with us not, makes it feel more likely that they didn't actually get our gift, sad that the note was lost in the mail, or super ticked that some people got thanked and we didn't (or that some were thanked right away but it's ok for them to wait another 3 months to thank us?). All three of those possibilities are sad.
[QUOTE]Not condoning the delay of sending thank-you notes, though you should really assume that anyone sending you a thank you note sends it as promptly as possible, HOWEVER, to me it seems that you are much less concerned about whether or not your gift has been recieved and much more concerned about finding an opportunity to be snide toward someone. I find that more inappropriate and rude than not having yet to recieve a thank you note.
Posted by hcbrowne[/QUOTE]
lol. Can't stop you from thinking what you want.
But if being snide towards someone were my main objective, I'd have a pretty easy time of doing that all on my own without having to get advice here first.
I want to be sure they got their gift, but I don't know how to be 100% of that fact without the note, since again, despite being one of the most intelligent people I know, the groom can be a ditz.
But on the flipside, if I find out for certain that they received our gift and didn't send a note, despite sending them to other people, sure I'm going to be torqued. And I don't think I'd need to apologize for that. It just wouldn't be a good way for her to start off the relationship.
But, as I said before, I'm optimisitc. What people are saying about waves of notes makes perfect sense, and would be expected considering some people [myself included] tend to be part of the post-wedding gift trickle. I'm sure I'll utilize that myself.
Will try again to verify in December (with the bride this time!) that they received their present (since I imagine any credit card disputes we'd want to handle in 2010).
FWIW, I'm also a little crazy and wrote all of our thank-you's on our HM flights, so they went out less than two weeks after the wedding. But there are a lot of girls on my club board who still haven't sent them, so I don't think you should worry too much yet.