Didn't receive a thank you note - should I inquire? / Another gripe

aurianna

My FI and I went to a wedding of his old college roommate's back in September.
Background: We didn't know the bride at all. We were good friends with the groom back in the day, but he lives out of town now, so we don't keep in touch as much as we'd like (he's in our wedding though, so soon!).

We didn't send the present before the wedding; we sent it about a week after the fact. Still, it's been months now and we haven't received a thank you note (or at least we don't think we have; FI has a weird mailbox situation).

Now, I know she did send thank you notes, because when I was looking at her facebook page at her wedding pictures, there were two different people who'd commented on her wall about the thank you notes she'd sent.

So, then I was caught between being annoyed that we didn't get thanked (perhaps she only sent thank yous to her own friends and not the groom's?), and worried that our present didn't make it to them.

So last week, in a rarity, I caught the groom on IM and asked if they'd gotten the gift. He said, "Yeah. Thanks."

So here's the dilema: The groom is kind of flighty. And since he didn't mention what it was or take very long to respond to me, I'm not sure he actually checked or not. So it's possible that they really haven't gotten the gift and he just said they did (it's just the kind of thing he'd do).

So do I ask the bride instead to verify they got it [or to passive agressively rub it in that there was no thank you note]. Or do I accept that she didn't send one / note was lost in the mail and hope that the groom knew what he was talking about (still a gamble).


It's funny, because we also went to a wedding (FI's cousin) in early October that we haven't seen a thank you note for yet, and in that case, we also waited a week to send the present. It wasn't there right away so she sent an email to my FMIL asking her to ask us if we'd sent a gift because she "wanted to be sure to send a thank you." She got the present the day after she asked. This was two weeks ago. You'd think, if sending the notes was REALLY the reason she was rude enough to tattle on us to my FMIL, it would be here by now.
Blah.

sarah0725

I don't really know what to tell you, because I'm kind of in the same boat. I'm still waiting on a card from Labor Day weekend, and I'm actually kind of a little worried because there was no card box on the gift table at this wedding, so we just had to leave the card on the table. Sketcheriffic.

LauraT25

Are you sure the thank you notes mentioned on FB were actually for wedding presents, and not shower presents?  Unfortunately there are several September brides who have not sent thank you notes yet, so it could be that they haven't sent them.  It's kind of a tough situation since you already asked the groom, so you don't want to harp on it - I might ask the bride, but keep it light and leave out any mention of a thank you note.

MrsMLRB

Fi and I attended a wedding in June. We received the thank you note a week ago. Some people are just lazy about thank you notes.

When I got pissed and said this was rude, FI said "So what? We got the note. Who cares how long it took?"

I made it very clear all our thank yous will be out within a month and that he will be writing half of them.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I got married last month. My Ty notes have been done for 2 weeks. However, some October brides haven't started them. Some people think you have 3 months or more. Was it a big wedding? She could be doing them in batches.

I usually start to wonder about thank you notes after 2 months, but I would wait and inquire after 3-4 months, minimum.

aurianna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-receive-thank-should-inquire-another-gripe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:469d6bad-9846-4d2e-a134-d5957418b1c6Post:4fdcf64c-3b83-41e2-86f6-cac858bfc48e">Re: Didn't receive a thank you note - should I inquire? / Another gripe</a>:
[QUOTE]Are you sure the thank you notes mentioned on FB were actually for wedding presents, and not shower presents? 
Posted by LauraT25[/QUOTE]

Positive. One of the people on FB posted because she'd thanked them for a wedding present, when in fact it was a belated-shower present. She wanted to let her know that the wedding present was still coming.

I guess the only thing I can think of is she wrote her notes insanely early and our present hadn't gotten there yet, so maybe she's waiting to do a second batch of notes soon?

I'll have FI double check all his mail and his credit card statement, before I attempt to feel out the bride at the 3 month marker. I can mention her wedding pics. They're gorgeous. :)

Loopyseven

I feel bad.  I a bad E regular, LOL .  I was a late September bride.  Mine are all written, I promise.  I am addressing envelopes tonight.  I will buy stamps tomorrow or more likely Thursday since I am getting out of work at 11:30 and will for sure get to the post office while it's still open .

filaw

I'd check with the bride.  I got two presents without cards, unfamiliar names on the registry and no way to identify where they came from.  It's driving me crazy.  I really and truly wish the people who sent them would check in about their lack of thank you.

smokeybailey

I'm still waiting on a thank you note from a wedding we went to in 2008.

shortee426

J told me last night that we have 6 months to send our TY notes.  I told him that he was wrong, and even if he was right we wouldn't take that long.

starrynight1658

I'm a bad bride too...we just sent our TYs this week for our 9/25 wedding. We also had a couple of gifts/cards with no name, and I wish that someone would check in with us to see if we received their gift--I hate not being able to thank them.

DH and I have been to 5 weddings in the past year (I was in 2 of them), and have yet to receive a single thank you card. Rude, beyond belief.

Summer2011Bride

I've been to....well I think I'm up to FOUR weddings now that I've attended in the past four YEARS that I never received thank you's for. Rude yes. Poor etiquette yes. But what can be done? And we always brought our gift to the wedding and placed it on the table. We did get one thank you card a YEAR after the wedding, so there's still hope for you haha

Nebb

My cousin got married the end of july (a destination wedding we were given a months notice for that she knew we - my dads side of the family - wouldnt be able to make). No thank you card as of yet and its hitting the 4 month mark. I asked my aunt if they received the gift because I was concerned and was informed they only JUST picked it up from the store LAST WEEK because "it wasnt a priority".

thanks, thats really nice. Im still pissed off about it.

ckonidak

In case I'm the only one that thinks this, according to all the other etiquette posts I've read, the bride and groom have up to a year past their wedding date to send Thank You cards. Especially if you sent your wedding gift a week after their ceremony, try and have some patience. :-)

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-receive-thank-should-inquire-another-gripe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:469d6bad-9846-4d2e-a134-d5957418b1c6Post:2f3eaffd-df2c-43d4-bf78-59eaf3bb68cf">Re: Didn't receive a thank you note - should I inquire? / Another gripe</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm still waiting on a thank you note from a wedding we went to in 2008.
Posted by smokeybailey[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto.</div>

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-receive-thank-should-inquire-another-gripe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:469d6bad-9846-4d2e-a134-d5957418b1c6Post:d798bdc2-a5e3-4a64-a892-fc114665e373">Re: Didn't receive a thank you note - should I inquire? / Another gripe</a>:
[QUOTE]In case I'm the only one that thinks this, according to all the other etiquette posts I've read, the bride and groom have up to a year past their wedding date to send Thank You cards. Especially if you sent your wedding gift a week after their ceremony, try and have some patience. :-)
Posted by ckonidak[/QUOTE]

<div>False. People have a year to send wedding gifts to the newlyweds. You should send your TYs ASAP, at least within 2 months of the wedding.</div>

aurianna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-receive-thank-should-inquire-another-gripe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:469d6bad-9846-4d2e-a134-d5957418b1c6Post:12179b94-8c2b-4ea9-8e92-3ac3565a80fe">Re: Didn't receive a thank you note - should I inquire? / Another gripe</a>:
[QUOTE]My cousin got married the end of july (a destination wedding we were given a months notice for that she knew we - my dads side of the family - wouldnt be able to make). No thank you card as of yet and its hitting the 4 month mark. I asked my aunt if they received the gift because I was concerned and was informed they only JUST picked it up from the store LAST WEEK because "it wasnt a priority". thanks, thats really nice. Im still pissed off about it.
Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]


Harsh!!! Not cool.


I wouldn't be as worried about it if I didn't already know that other people had gotten thank you notes. Some people having already gotten them with us not, makes it feel more likely that they didn't actually get our gift, sad that the note was lost in the mail, or super ticked that some people got thanked and we didn't (or that some were thanked right away but it's ok for them to wait another 3 months to thank us?). All three of those possibilities are sad.

hcbrowne

Not condoning the delay of sending thank-you notes, though you should really assume that anyone sending you a thank you note sends it as promptly as possible, HOWEVER, to me it seems that you are much less concerned about whether or not your gift has been recieved and much more concerned about finding an opportunity to be snide toward someone. I find that more inappropriate and rude than not having yet to recieve a thank you note.

aurianna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_didnt-receive-thank-should-inquire-another-gripe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:469d6bad-9846-4d2e-a134-d5957418b1c6Post:ba9bf736-0e6c-4f50-b34f-196287d68f5e">Re: Didn't receive a thank you note - should I inquire? / Another gripe</a>:
[QUOTE]Not condoning the delay of sending thank-you notes, though you should really assume that anyone sending you a thank you note sends it as promptly as possible, HOWEVER, to me it seems that you are much less concerned about whether or not your gift has been recieved and much more concerned about finding an opportunity to be snide toward someone. I find that more inappropriate and rude than not having yet to recieve a thank you note.
Posted by hcbrowne[/QUOTE]

lol. Can't stop you from thinking what you want.
But if being snide towards someone were my main objective, I'd have a pretty easy time of doing that all on my own without having to get advice here first.

I want to be sure they got their gift, but I don't know how to be 100% of that fact without the note, since again, despite being one of the most intelligent people I know, the groom can be a ditz.

But on the flipside, if I find out for certain that they received our gift and didn't send a note, despite sending them to other people, sure I'm going to be torqued. And I don't think I'd need to apologize for that. It just wouldn't be a good way for her to start off the relationship.

But, as I said before, I'm optimisitc. What people are saying about waves of notes makes perfect sense, and would be expected considering some people [myself included] tend to be part of the post-wedding gift trickle. I'm sure I'll utilize that myself.

Will try again to verify in December (with the bride this time!) that they received their present (since I imagine any credit card disputes we'd want to handle in 2010).

ElleestJenn

I went to a friend's shower at the beginning of July and recieved my thank you note at the beginning of augut, two weeks after the wedding. I just recieved the thank you for the wedding gift a couple days ago. Some people are just lazy about them. 

LauraT25

Maybe the belated shower gift came before the wedding.  I sent all my TYs for gifts we received before the wedding as we got them, and I think a lot of brides do that, even the ones who take months to send them for gifts received at/after the wedding.  There's just a larger quantity at that point.  That seems to be the case with my club board, anyway (which is September).  I think waiting until December is a good plan.

FWIW, I'm also a little crazy and wrote all of our thank-you's on our HM flights, so they went out less than two weeks after the wedding.  But there are a lot of girls on my club board who still haven't sent them, so I don't think you should worry too much yet.