Not Inviting Father To Wedding

NinaSchwab

Thanks everyone for your input! I got a lot of great advice! In the end I think it's something I need to discuss with him and my fiance and my family.

All the best!

Nina

lyndausvi

Snippy didn't invite her father I *think* for similar reasons.  It does not appear she has regretted her choice.

LittleMissCutiePie

Is he even aware about the engagement? You say he hasn't attempted to contact you. I would try and speak with him about how he feels. If you feel that you are uncomfortable having him there based on drinking issues alone, give his name and description to the bartenders so they don't serve him? I'm not sure what I would do, but it sounds like you care less about that and more about your relationship. If you have no interest in salvaging your already very shaky and bare bones relationship, I wouldn't even attempt this. You do sound like you want to have him in your life, even if it's just a little bit. Talk to him.

adamar15

I don't think this is something that should be decided by a poll of the internet.

HeathenSwan

I don't think it should be about deserving as much as what you want. You've said that you currently don't want him there. I'd say talk to him about how you feel and explain your concerns, then make the final decision. I'm of the opinion that you should do what you want to do, not what others want you to do. He is your father.

The fact that you're asking seems to tell me that you may not be completely sure of your decision. If you speak with him and explain to him how you feel, you might feel better about inviting or not inviting him. 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've dealt with an absent (but still physically there) father growing up, as well as an alcoholic step-father (heart of gold, but weak, luckily he's on the wagon now). E-hugs for you.

pinkbunny8385

You already have your answer in your post. However, my father will not be invited to my wedding. I have not seen him since I was 6-7. He's been in prison since I was 11. He should be out by the time my wedding comes, but I have no relationship with him. He writes, I read it, then it gets buried in a box.

Natrasha

If you don't want him there, don't invite him. But don't not invite him just to teach him a "lesson" about being present in the lives of his other children.
It seems like nobody wants him there, and you don't have much of a relationship with him, so I wouldn't bother.

NinaSchwab

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-father-to-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b10343a-9ae0-4ee4-9a5e-59743a4770ffPost:5feb46cc-69c0-41ea-b2ab-55999ebe354a">Re: Not Inviting Father To Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think this is something that should be decided by a poll of the internet.
Posted by adamar15[/QUOTE]

Haha! Yes, I'm going to tally up the votes and make my decision solely based on what this poll says. No, come on, I'm just looking for people who have been in similar situations, or people who may have some input.

NicoleSahara

I wouldn't exclude your father from your wedding as a way to "stick it to him," but you said neither you nor your family wants him there, so I don't think you should invite him.

lbarr088

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-father-to-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b10343a-9ae0-4ee4-9a5e-59743a4770ffPost:654de56c-59cb-45a1-b50e-466d014de923">Not Inviting Father To Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello everyone! So, a little background first: My dad has a severe drinking problem that has gotten in the way of our relationship since the day I was born. He left my mother when I was 2, and I didn't see him again until I was 16. Then he quit drinking and reached out to me. I found out that he had three other children, and was re-married. Over the next three years I built a relationship with him and his new family- grew to love them. Then when I was 19, he relapsed, and ended up in prison. I maintained contact with his (now ex) wife and children, but had no contact with him until he got out of prison. After that we spoke a few times, and three years ago (when I was 21) I took my fiance to meet him. That was the last time I saw him, because he fell off the wagon again, went to jail again, and for one reason or another has not tried to contact me ONCE since. I'm now 24 and haven't heard from him in three years. My dad has many, many issues, and he's a very weak man. BUT, he is very kind, sweet, emotional, and loving. Not inviting him to my wedding would absolutely break his heart. But my family doesn't want him there, my fiance doesn't want him there, and<strong> frankly, I don't want him there</strong>. I feel like he doesn't deserve to be at my wedding. <strong>He has three young children (ages 11, 9, and 7), and I feel like maybe feeling the pain of not being invited to my wedding will encourage him to be more present in their lives. </strong>Do you think this is too severe? Should I invite him anyway? Or am I right in thinking that he doesn't deserve to see his first born child walk down the isle?
Posted by NinaSchwab[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>If he has been MIA while you were growing up and you don't have a relationship with thim then yeah, and plus you answered your question.  </div><div>
</div><div>For the second bolded part, I would be hesitant if this is your main reason for not inviting him.  Who's to say that it will change anything?</div><div>
</div><div>Also, as adamar pointed out.... this situation is a little more personal and I don't think a poll of a bunch of internet strangers should be what makes your decision. Wishing you the best with whatever you choose!

</div>

sarahlm619

Our stories sound very similar -- my father doesn't even know i'm engaged!  We haven't spoken in YEARS -- and in fact the last time I spoke to him I was walking out on him while he got drunk in front of me threating to drink himself to death...needless to say -- I told him to go to rehab or don't even try...no rehab...no relationship!

I'm not inviting him...being a father is something that is easy -- being a DAD takes work...

Carla1019

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-father-to-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b10343a-9ae0-4ee4-9a5e-59743a4770ffPost:0ef8fe81-7084-4a26-8752-3693e9aac7ed">Re: Not Inviting Father To Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]If you don't want him there, don't invite him. <strong>But don't not invite him just to teach him a "lesson" about being present in the lives of his other children</strong>. It seems like nobody wants him there, and you don't have much of a relationship with him, so I wouldn't bother.
Posted by Natrasha[/QUOTE]

This!

NinaSchwab

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-father-to-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b10343a-9ae0-4ee4-9a5e-59743a4770ffPost:2a421293-1376-4881-a1e6-df28590b125a">Re: Not Inviting Father To Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Our stories sound very similar -- my father doesn't even know i'm engaged!  We haven't spoken in YEARS -- and in fact the last time I spoke to him I was walking out on him while he got drunk in front of me threating to drink himself to death...needless to say -- I told him to go to rehab or don't even try...no rehab...no relationship! I'm not inviting him...being a father is something that is easy -- being a DAD takes work...
Posted by sarahlm619[/QUOTE]

Amen, sister!!! The last time I heard from my dad was on my answering machine on my 22nd birthday- he drunkenly pocketdialed me! He didn't even know that it was my birthday! And I don't know if he knows I'm engaged- I'm assuming he does because I told my half-siblings and they tell him everything.

NinaSchwab

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-father-to-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b10343a-9ae0-4ee4-9a5e-59743a4770ffPost:0ef8fe81-7084-4a26-8752-3693e9aac7ed">Re: Not Inviting Father To Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]If you don't want him there, don't invite him. But don't not invite him just to teach him a "lesson" about being present in the lives of his other children. It seems like nobody wants him there, and you don't have much of a relationship with him, so I wouldn't bother.
Posted by Natrasha[/QUOTE]

But why not? I mean, a big part of it is that I DO want to teach him a lesson. I see him treating my half-siblings exactly the same way he treated me, and he needs to know that it has concequences beyond just having a fractured relationship. He forces everyone to treat him like a child, and isn't this how you teach a child that their behavior is bad? By showing them that each action has a concequence?

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-father-to-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b10343a-9ae0-4ee4-9a5e-59743a4770ffPost:606bf257-2115-451d-8ce4-e036245f22c9">Re: Not Inviting Father To Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not Inviting Father To Wedding : But why not? I<strong> mean, a big part of it is that I DO want to teach him a lesson</strong>. I see him treating my half-siblings exactly the same way he treated me, and he needs to know that it has concequences beyond just having a fractured relationship. <strong>He forces everyone to treat him like a child, and isn't this how you teach a child that their behavior is bad? By showing them that each action has a concequence?</strong>
Posted by NinaSchwab[/QUOTE]
I don't know that it's really your place to teach him a lesson. 
If you don't invite him and he asks you why calmly explain it to him how you feel. Hopefully, he will learn from that but if not that's his choice as well. You can't force him to see the error of his ways.

rebarobert2012

You said that you don't want him there, your fiance doesn't want him there, and that your family doesn't want him there - so there's your answer.  Don't invite him.

toothpastechica

I have met my Bio dad a couple times, but he is not invited the to wedding. I'm not worried about drama or anything, but he's not a part of my life, so I dont feel its important to have him there. I have pleanty of family who are involved in my life who I would much rather hold a seat for. Having said that, You have decide for yourself...I dont think think "to teach him a lesson" is probably the best way of dealing with it, if you want to ever work on bettering that relationship, not inviting him could impact that negatively. For me its more apathy (since my relationship with him will not get worse nor will it ever get better) than malice, if its malice, I would definately really consider where the relationship is at and where you want it to go, that would impact my decision.

NinaSchwab

Wow, I was just joking when I put the "Who cares, figure it out for yourself" option on my poll, but people are actually selecting that!! I don't understand the negativity!! This is a topic that has been eating me up inside, and all I wanted was some input! If you seriously have a problem with this topic, then by all means don't give your input! Jeeze louise!

sonya+adam

If you truly don't want him there, then don't invite him. But if you're just going to not invite him to "teach him a lesson", you're being petty and childish. Yes, he should be, and should have been a better father, but it isn't your place to set him straight by not inviting him to your wedding. Like I said, if you really don't want him there, or don't feel comfortable with him attending your wedding, then don't invite him. If you don't talk to him and it won't change your relationship with him, then I don't think it would be a big deal.

OP, nobody has been negative towards you, or even harsh in their posts. I feel that everyone has given you pretty great advice. You gave an option in a poll, so you took a chance that people are going to select that option. If you were going to get upset about it, then you shouldn't have put it up there.

NinaSchwab

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-father-to-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b10343a-9ae0-4ee4-9a5e-59743a4770ffPost:ddb15411-3d08-46e8-bcd7-7c0527616a2b">Re: Not Inviting Father To Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]If you truly don't want him there, then don't invite him. But if you're just going to not invite him to "teach him a lesson", you're being petty and childish. Yes, he should be, and should have been a better father, but it isn't your place to set him straight by not inviting him to your wedding. Like I said, if you really don't want him there, or don't feel comfortable with him attending your wedding, then don't invite him. If you don't talk to him and it won't change your relationship with him, then I don't think it would be a big deal. OP, nobody has been negative towards you, or even harsh in their posts. I feel that everyone has given you pretty great advice. You gave an option in a poll, so you took a chance that people are going to select that option. If you were going to get upset about it, then you shouldn't have put it up there.
Posted by sonya+adam[/QUOTE]

Seems there's a pretty negative undertone! Thanks for your input though!

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-father-to-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b10343a-9ae0-4ee4-9a5e-59743a4770ffPost:6394c0b2-b906-426a-b221-fff9ac0110ea">Re: Not Inviting Father To Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not Inviting Father To Wedding : Seems there's a pretty negative undertone! Thanks for your input though!
Posted by NinaSchwab[/QUOTE]
What kind of responses were you expecting? <div>
</div><div>Also, you can't really dictate how people respond to your posts or your polls. If you didn't want people to pick that choice you shouldn't have included it.</div>

NinaSchwab

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_not-inviting-father-to-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4b10343a-9ae0-4ee4-9a5e-59743a4770ffPost:ac201acc-7f64-4b2f-ad82-1047832a0090">Re: Not Inviting Father To Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]You asked for opinion you got it...just because its not what you want to hear doesnt make it bad advice, it just means you dont like it, not that people are trying to be negative to you. "Illl can do whatever I want, missy!" sounds like one of the most negative comments on this thread! If you don't want to dictate how people respond why are you reacting so meanly to people who gave you advice that you asked for? I am confused.
Posted by toothpastechica[/QUOTE]
I wasn't trying to come off mean at all. At all! I meant that to come off lighthearted.

NinaSchwab

I guess I must be misinterpreting people, and other people me. I guess if you knew me you would know that I am joking and sarcastic most of the time. I learned my lesson and certainly wont be posting again. I wish I could delete this entire thread because now I'm feeling really weird about this whole situation.

NinaSchwab

Also, my fiance read this thread and totally sided with me, which got me fired up.

articulateash

I may be a little late, but I am in a similar situation so I thought I'd give input for other brides who might be reading (like myself!).
My father is an alcoholic and has a history of domestic violence. My mother has been divorced from him since I was a baby. I have continued to have a relationship with him from a distance, but it is far from perfect...
I have thought so much about whether to invite him to my wedding. My family (including my father's father) doesn't think he should come, but my father really wants to come as I am his only child. He has shown up drunk to many family events and ruined them. Before I was even born he had greatly damaged many of his own family relationships and as a conseqnece I grew up not really knowing his family.
No one can understand a parent/child relationship like that parent and child. For someone to say, be prepared for not inviting him to damage the relationship beyond repair I say this: I feel that my relationship with my dad is already greatly damaged. Is my wedding day an appropriate time to try to bridge the gap and start to repair so many hurts of the past? I say no. I want to be happy and surrounded by people who love me on that day. It is my father's own choices that have left him out of that circle of people.
Obviously every situation is different, but there *are* some parents who don't deserve to be at their children's weddings. Don't feel bad for someone who is finally feeling the consequences of his actions...
good luck to everyone who has to deal with crazy family issues...