Is it completely rude of me to do this?

gonnabemrsh

Our wedding is going to be at 5 in the evening, with a buffet-style "sandwich" reception afterward (meat & cheese trays w/ buns & crackers, fruit platter, chips, etc.)

My grandma told me that since it's an evening affair, it's completely rude of me to not offer an open bar, or at the very least buy enough beer for everyone.

"Everyone" equals around 125 people (not all of whom are old enough to drink, but still).  I hadn't planned on any alcohol; my fiance doesn't drink and I rarely do (I'll have the occasional mixed drink on New Year's Eve with my family, but that's about it), so we didn't see a need - we're not even toasting with champagne.

My mom said it'd be fine to just tell anyone who asks if there'll be alcohol it's "bring your own beer", because alcohol is going to add a decent amount of money to the cost. Is she right, or is my grandma right that I'm going to offend a lot of people by not providing them with alcohol?

salt78

Open bar isn't necessary, but I think it's nice to provide at least beer and wine for your guests. 

lapcan

I don't think you're going to offend anyone but I really wouldn't set this up as a BYOB.  Is it possible for you to provide some beer and wine for the reception?  I know that you and  your FI aren't big drinkers but there might be a few people there that would enjoy a glass of wine or a beer.

laurenclaire1386

Telling people your wedding is BYOB is definitely rude. It's not rude to not have any alcohol at all. I prefer it at a wedding, but that's just me. If you do decide to have alcohol, having only beer and wine shouldn't set you back too much. Check and see if it's in your budge to do that. If not, not providing alcohol is perfectly acceptable.

GreenPepperBurger

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_completely-rude-of-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c6571c9-90de-4ca0-8989-206648244bcdPost:86e97f8e-fa66-47c6-bade-ae84bec5810e">Is it completely rude of me to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Our wedding is going to be at 5 in the evening, with a buffet-style "sandwich" reception afterward (meat & cheese trays w/ buns & crackers, fruit platter, chips, etc.) My grandma told me that since it's an evening affair, it's completely rude of me to not offer an open bar, or at the very least buy enough beer for everyone. "Everyone" equals around 125 people (not all of whom are old enough to drink, but still).  I hadn't planned on any alcohol; my fiance doesn't drink and I rarely do (I'll have the occasional mixed drink on New Year's Eve with my family, but that's about it), so we didn't see a need - we're not even toasting with champagne. <strong>My mom said it'd be fine to just tell anyone who asks if there'll be alcohol it's "bring your own beer", </strong>because alcohol is going to add a decent amount of money to the cost. Is she right, or is my grandma right that I'm going to offend a lot of people by not providing them with alcohol?
Posted by gonnabemrsh[/QUOTE]

THIS is rude. It's not rude to have a dry wedding (people will get over it). Can you maybe swing just cheap wine from Trader Joe's?

pirategal03

You wouldn't ask them to bring their own grilled chicken, so don't ask them to bring their own beer.  You don't have to do a full open bar, but providing some alcohol would be nice. 

stinkerbell6879

I was just at my cousins wedding and because there was only wine on the tables...some of the guys decided to BYOB it because they don't drink wine. So I would at least offer Wine & Beer.

gonnabemrsh

It is *possible*, but this is already a cheap wedding (as documented by the food choice, lol), and fairly casual (it's at a relative's riverfront property and there will be no fancy dresses or anything) and we're trying to keep the cost down as much as possible - this probably sounds *terrible* but having everyone we want there with us is more important to us than whether they get their booze.

As far as my family goes...there is no "some" or "a little" lol. Once they start many of them will drink quite a bit.

AmoroAgain

Oh my lord.  Don't do BYOB.  Frankly, I think it's worse to serve them sandwiches for an evening reception than it is to not give them drinks.  Drinking after eating a sandwich only is just asking for trouble.

stinkerbell6879

Since it's at a relatives property couldn't you go to Costco and buy Beer and Wine in bulk? That's what we did for our wedding, brought in our own alcohol.

gonnabemrsh

"You wouldn't ask them to bring their own grilled chicken"

Don't people do that very thing with potluck weddings though, to keep costs down?

AmoroAgain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_completely-rude-of-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c6571c9-90de-4ca0-8989-206648244bcdPost:3ada10f8-9cdd-4ed7-a8d0-c6611d549cc1">Re: Is it completely rude of me to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]"You wouldn't ask them to bring their own grilled chicken" Don't people do that very thing with potluck weddings though, to keep costs down?
Posted by gonnabemrsh[/QUOTE]
Aaaaand they're tacky.  My sister had a potluck wedding, and it was awful.  There wasn't enough food for everyone and people (including me!) bailed early because there was nothing to eat. 

gonnabemrsh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_completely-rude-of-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c6571c9-90de-4ca0-8989-206648244bcdPost:c2fc2f14-43f3-4b71-bdfe-8490418cd667">Re: Is it completely rude of me to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh my lord.  Don't do BYOB.  Frankly, I think it's worse to serve them sandwiches for an evening reception than it is to not give them drinks.  Drinking after eating a sandwich only is just asking for trouble.
Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]

I didn't realize anyone would find that bad. Hmm. What would you suggest serving for an evening reception?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

If your guests are the type of crowd that usually drink at parties, it would be kind to provide something, like a keg and a few cases of wine. Alcohol is not required, but you shouldn't make your guests pay for it if you choose to not pay for it. Having a dry reception might also curtail to length of the reception, depending on your crowd.

shoegal715

BYOB is such a bad idea for a wedding. In fact, most venues strictly forbid it.

Give your guests alcohol. 

louisvillebride21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_completely-rude-of-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c6571c9-90de-4ca0-8989-206648244bcdPost:23827a5b-f608-44e7-a523-22d721556b0e">Re: Is it completely rude of me to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it completely rude of me to do this? : I didn't realize anyone would find that bad. Hmm. What would you suggest serving for an evening reception?
Posted by gonnabemrsh[/QUOTE]
Look, as long as there's enough food for everyone to eat, it's fine. Alcohol is not required, but I really wouldn't make it a BYOB. If sandwhiches is the only thing you can afford, then so be it. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. There are all kinds of different weddings. Just make sure there is enough for everyone.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Also, I think if you're doing a casual, picnic-type, dry reception, an earlier wedding might be the way to go. People won't really expect a big sit-down dinner and champagne if it's lunch time.

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_completely-rude-of-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c6571c9-90de-4ca0-8989-206648244bcdPost:3ada10f8-9cdd-4ed7-a8d0-c6611d549cc1">Re: Is it completely rude of me to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't people do that very thing with potluck weddings though, to keep costs down?
Posted by gonnabemrsh[/QUOTE]

<div>I don't care how much money you don't have...you should NEVER have a potluck wedding. It's the epitome of bad manners. </div>

georgia_bride09

You might want to think about moving your wedding to morning/ early afternoon (ceremony at 10:00 or 11:00, reception with sandwiches or brunch to follow). Then, a dry wedding wouldn't seem so weird.

gonnabemrsh

"Alcohol is not required, but you shouldn't make your guests pay for it if you choose to not pay for it."

Isn't that the point of BYOB though? I'm not "making" anyone pay for anything with that, they are buying it if they want to bring it, and if they don't want it then they don't buy it. Perhaps I am missing something

As far as having it earlier - I have talked to my aunt (the one who's house it'll be at) and that's the time she thinks is best, so that is the time I'm having it. She's gracious enough to let me use her home this way, I will let her have that.

AmoroAgain

LVB, I'm not trying to make her feel bad, but sandwiches at 5 is a bit of a weird idea, imo.  That's definitely more appropriate to an earlier wedding, around lunchtime.  I don't consider that to be a "meal" for that time of day is all.

Can you do picnic with chicken and bbq or something?  I just think it should be more substantial for evening.

louisvillebride21

I agree it's different. It just came across as a little harsh and I didn't want her to feel awful. I had some try to make me feel bad about my wedding, but I did the best I could with what I could afford.

I agree a cute picnic could go over well without adding very much money at all.

AmoroAgain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_completely-rude-of-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c6571c9-90de-4ca0-8989-206648244bcdPost:977eaccc-ee97-45f1-8e01-1cf90ca6982e">Re: Is it completely rude of me to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]"Alcohol is not required, but you shouldn't make your guests pay for it if you choose to not pay for it." <strong>Isn't that the point of BYOB though? I'm not "making" anyone pay for anything with that, they are buying it if they want to bring it, and if they don't want it then they don't buy it. Perhaps I am missing something :( </strong>As far as having it earlier - I have talked to my aunt (the one who's house it'll be at) and that's the time she thinks is best, so that is the time I'm having it. She's gracious enough to let me use her home this way, I will let her have that.
Posted by gonnabemrsh[/QUOTE]

BYOB is so.... college party.  Not wedding.  Aren't there rules about drunk driving and if it was at a house party, then the person holding the party can be held responsible?  Hence why venues and bars have insurance and rules about this?

shellydiane820

There is no tasteful way to say 'BYOB' on a wedding invite.

As a guest, I'd rather go to a dry wedding than have to worry about stopping at the nearest store to pick up some booze.

AmoroAgain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_completely-rude-of-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c6571c9-90de-4ca0-8989-206648244bcdPost:66b18e90-188e-4d72-a5a1-ea65946d5ded">Re: Is it completely rude of me to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree it's different. It just came across as a little harsh and I didn't want her to feel awful. I had some try to make me feel bad about my wedding, but I did the best I could with what I could afford. I agree a cute picnic could go over well without adding very much money at all.
Posted by louisvillebride21[/QUOTE]
Well, I was stating fact.  Sandwiches at 5? Eh.

Don't throw that "did the best with what I could afford" crap with me.  I did the whole thing for under $5000, so it's not like I'm talking about my $30000 wedding here. 

I Want Cake

Please don't do BYOB.  If this were at a reception venue, and not a relative's property, there's no way you'd get away with that because you wouldn't be able to control what and how much people drink, and if underage people are consuming it.  BYOB is just asking for trouble.  A dry wedding wouldn't be rude to have, but what IS rude is only offering cold sandwiches for a reception that takes place over dinnertime.  Please feed your guests a real dinner, or at least something hot.  I recently went to a wedding that was dry, music/dancing-free, and featured only cold sandwiches and sides, and everyone who'd traveled for hours was PISSED that that's all we got for our trouble.

Lisa8888

Trying to cut down on expenses is one thing but BYOB is ridiculous and definitely in bad taste.

I have never heard of anyone serving sandwiches and chips at a wedding reception. It is suppose to be a wedding reception not a picnic.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_completely-rude-of-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c6571c9-90de-4ca0-8989-206648244bcdPost:977eaccc-ee97-45f1-8e01-1cf90ca6982e">Re: Is it completely rude of me to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]"Alcohol is not required, but you shouldn't make your guests pay for it if you choose to not pay for it." Isn't that the point of BYOB though? I'm not "making" anyone pay for anything with that, they are buying it if they want to bring it, and if they don't want it then they don't buy it. Perhaps I am missing something :( As far as having it earlier - I have talked to my aunt (the one who's house it'll be at) and that's the time she thinks is best, so that is the time I'm having it. She's gracious enough to let me use her home this way, I will let her have that.
Posted by gonnabemrsh[/QUOTE]

It creates a schism, whether you intend to or not. First, they DO have to pay for their own alcohol - picking up a sixer on the way to your wedding requires money. Second, the guests who don't spend money on the BYOB alcohol might WANT to drink, but they didn't want to BYOB - so they don't get to drink at the wedding, but other people do. What about OOT guests? Are they supposed to find their way to a liquor store prior to the wedding if they want to drink? It just seems like a bad idea. Especially since alcohol is such that people won't bring enough for everyone else. Other people are likely not going to want to provide all the drinks at your wedding if YOU don't want to provide the drinks at your wedding.

But if you have a Trader Joes, I'd look into getting a case of Charles Shaw. It's about $25/case (12 bottles).

gonnabemrsh

Oh I'd never mention it on the invite, I agree that sounds really odd. Just if anyone asked.

Thank you louisvillebride: I am finding some of these responses harsher than I'd imagined lol, but I don't spend a lot of time on forums so I'm sure that's why.

I only don't want to do a "BBQ" (meaning where food would have to be cooked) because I don't want to spend my entire reception chained to the grill cooking enough food for everyone, I'd rather spend it talking and having fun with them.

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_completely-rude-of-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c6571c9-90de-4ca0-8989-206648244bcdPost:bccd5177-4c3c-4b1a-bd29-d554a14a065d">Re: Is it completely rude of me to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE] I recently went to a wedding that was dry, music/dancing-free, and featured only cold sandwiches and sides, and everyone who'd traveled for hours was PISSED that that's all we got for our trouble.
Posted by I Want Cake[/QUOTE]

<div>OMG were we at the same wedding??</div><div>My husband and a couple friends and I ended up leaving after like an hour and a half.</div>

georgia_bride09

How many people are we talking here, OP?

And I would honestly revisit the time-of-day situation with your aunt. Even if it was at 3 or 4, sandwiches would fly better. 5 and later is dinner time.