Rude to not let guests bring +1's??

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-not-let-guests-bring-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4e9b7104-8100-41f7-b609-a61e5bb37ef1Post:8679f3bf-b199-4528-aabb-8a81376a627d">Re: Rude to not let guests bring +1's??</a>:
[QUOTE]Why would I kick out my bridesmaids? We all like each other.  Everyone takes themselves WAY too seriously. It's only a wedding. Yes, it's a big day, but <strong>the marriage is a lot more important than the guest list. 
</strong>Posted by musicalcanadianbride[/QUOTE]

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE ARE ALL TELLING OP TO SUCK IT UP AND DO THE POLITE AND PROPER THING.  At the end of the day, she'll be married regardless of who is in attendance, so why be rude to people?  Why start your marriage out as two rude jerks who didn't invite SOs just because you didn't like them?  Why not start your marriage as a gracious couple who values the comfort of friends and family more than having "the perfect day"?

chrmun

You guys are so MEAN!  I feel sorry for my husband!

Wait.  What?

midgetthemighty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-not-let-guests-bring-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4e9b7104-8100-41f7-b609-a61e5bb37ef1Post:1cdd7227-773b-471c-9482-8ad7671bcb36">Re: Rude to not let guests bring +1's??</a>:
[QUOTE]You guys are so MEAN!  I feel sorry for my husband! Wait.  What?
Posted by chrmun[/QUOTE]

<3

BrooklynBride20

My FI and I decided before even beginning the guest list that everyone invited over the age of 18 would be invited with a guest.  Some of our single friends have indicated that they will be looking for dates and some said they would probably come alone since they know many of the other people on the guest list.

I think that when you invite an adult to a wedding you must treat them like an adult and give them the option of a +1.

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-not-let-guests-bring-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4e9b7104-8100-41f7-b609-a61e5bb37ef1Post:8464c7da-0e6b-410a-9d23-06805e9e6928">Re: Rude to not let guests bring +1's??</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI and I decided before even beginning the guest list that everyone invited over the age of 18 would be invited with a guest.  Some of our single friends have indicated that they will be looking for dates and some said they would probably come alone since they know many of the other people on the guest list. I think that when you invite an adult to a wedding you must treat them like an adult and give them the option of a +1.
Posted by BrooklynBride20[/QUOTE]

This, to me, is the other extreme. It's a very nice thing to do if you can afford it -- and we are for all of our OOT guests and wedding party, but I don't think adults come in twos necessarily. Not sure how that's related.

ambersthebride

We're not inviting singles. We're just not adding in that Guest __ spot for them to fill out and the invitation addressed directly to the people.

Unless of course they have a bf/gf long term, SO, FI etc. But the invites will include the SO's name.

We cannot afford to invite all of our single friends random date of the week either, and won't. I actually don't care if it's rude.

If they want to later, call you up and ask if they could bring someone I will probably say YES unless we literally cannot fit any more in the venue.

A

gwencortopassi

Just let everyone bring +1.  My husband's incredibly rude family all RSVP'd +1 (or 2 or 3) when they were not in relationships and +1 was nowhere indicated on the reply card (like, they brought their friends and drinking buddies), and then some were no shows.  At $100/plate, I was beyond pissed.  Etiquette just doesn't apply to some people, so I've learned to adjust my expectations. 

kinsey0628

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-not-let-guests-bring-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4e9b7104-8100-41f7-b609-a61e5bb37ef1Post:8b155250-e186-446e-b2a2-010323475d77">Re: Rude to not let guests bring +1's??</a>:
[QUOTE]What is with all of the "don't you worry, sweetie, etiquette is over-rated, you just do what you want because it wouldn't hurt my personal feelings if you did it to me" crap around here lately?  Etiquette = rules, people.  Rules are not opinions, they're rules.  It's not my opinion that no one should steal my car, it's a rule.  You may think it's a b/s rule, but guess what?  It's still a rule, and you will still go to prison if you steal my car.  Dress code at your job?  Also a rule.  You may not like that you can't wear beachwear to your job as an accountant, but guess what?  Your stupid ass can still get fired for wearing beachwear to your job as an accountant.  Etiquette's the same thing .  You may not like that you have to invite SOs you don't know/don't like, but you still have to, if you want to avoid being a rude jerk.  Anyone who tells you otherwise is simply encouraging you to be a rude jerk (and probably is one themselves). /endrant.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

I totally agree with this.  If you want to break etiquette, go for it.  But whatever your justifications are doesn't change the fact that you are STILL BREAKING ETIQUETTE.

Etiquette knows no excuses!

I also thinking exntending +1's to single guests is a very nice gesture.  I realize it's not always affordable though.

eserca

Agree that to not invite an SO, whether you like them or not, is rude. Not to throw a wrench into the works, but why not... What about those who all of a sudden, after being told no +1, declare that they have a gf/bf and want to bring them? That gets sticky. We've had several people try to go the +1 route on our wedding and have had to be very selective. Granted our guest list is capped at 75, but we still have family members that we invited as units, sans children however. There are so many we would've liked to invite, but just can't.

PS Love that pic, too, Birdie!

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-not-let-guests-bring-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4e9b7104-8100-41f7-b609-a61e5bb37ef1Post:caf3728e-d2ae-4081-a939-915987606b4c">Re: Rude to not let guests bring +1's??</a>:
[QUOTE]Agree that to not invite an SO, whether you like them or not, is rude. Not to throw a wrench into the works, but why not... <strong>What about those who all of a sudden, after being told no +1, declare that they have a gf/bf and want to bring them?</strong> That gets sticky. We've had several people try to go the +1 route on our wedding and have had to be very selective. Granted our guest list is capped at 75, but we still have family members that we invited as units, sans children however. There are so many we would've liked to invite, but just can't. PS Love that pic, too, Birdie!
Posted by eserca[/QUOTE]

Those people are douches. But honestly? If they say they're in a relationship, I'm inviting them with their SO. To do otherwise gets into judgy territory.

Sportzchck

I have been to a number of weddings where the bride and groom have let me know in advance that they are only giving plus ones to those guests that are engaged or married. It is not to be rude but to do size limitations.

My own wedding is restricted by size limitations and the sizes of both our families and all our friends have been very understanding of the fact that we have choosen to do the same. I think if you are upfront with you friends ahead of time and explain why the limitations exist people understand.

Also I think it depends on the age of the guests you are talking about. Many of our friends are in their early twenties and agree with this approach but I could see how this feeling may change as you get older.

It may not be the traditional proper ettiqute but I think being honest and upfront goes a long way.

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-not-let-guests-bring-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4e9b7104-8100-41f7-b609-a61e5bb37ef1Post:1db4624f-a894-45d1-b8b2-8f952c77b078">Re: Rude to not let guests bring +1's??</a>:
[QUOTE]I have been to a number of weddings where the bride and groom have let me know in advance that they are only giving plus ones to those guests that are engaged or married.<strong> It is not to be rude but to do size limitations.</strong> My own wedding is restricted by size limitations and the sizes of both our families and all our friends have been very understanding of the fact that we have choosen to do the same. I think if you are upfront with you friends ahead of time and explain why the limitations exist people understand. Also I think it depends on the age of the guests you are talking about. Many of our friends are in their early twenties and agree with this approach but I could see how this feeling may change as you get older. It may not be the traditional proper ettiqute but I think being honest and upfront goes a long way.
Posted by Sportzchck[/QUOTE]

Here's the thing - just because your intent isn't rude doesn't mean that what you're doing isn't rude, because, as has been repeated ad nauseum at this point, no matter what your intent or reasoning, <em>it is always rude to break a rule of etiquette.  Always. 

</em>There are a million ways to accommodate more people - switch to a cheaper venue.  Switch to a bigger venue.  Have a lunch reception instead of a dinner reception to cut back on catering costs, or have a reception at a non-meal time so that you only have to offer cake and punch instead of a full meal.  Have a beer-and-wine-only wedding.  Have a dry wedding.  Shorten the reception by an hour.  Don't have a cocktail hour.  Seriously, there are a million ways to save money without being a jerk to your guests.

When you decide not to include people's SOs because of "space" or "budget limitations," what you are really doing is saying that the type of meal you have at your wedding or the space where your wedding and reception takes place is <em>more important to you than being polite and accommodating the SOs of your family and friends</em>.  That's the choice you're making, and in spite of your personal opinion, it IS rude.  The fact that you've been rude, and other people you know have been rude, doesn't make being rude okay.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-not-let-guests-bring-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4e9b7104-8100-41f7-b609-a61e5bb37ef1Post:1db4624f-a894-45d1-b8b2-8f952c77b078">Re: Rude to not let guests bring +1's??</a>:
[QUOTE]I have been to a number of weddings where the bride and groom have let me know in advance that they are only giving plus ones to those guests that are engaged or married. It is not to be rude but to do size limitations. My own wedding is restricted by size limitations and the sizes of both our families and all our friends have been very understanding of the fact that we have choosen to do the same. I think if you are upfront with you friends ahead of time and explain why the limitations exist people understand. Also I think it depends on the age of the guests you are talking about. Many of our friends are in their early twenties and agree with this approach but I could see how this feeling may change as you get older.<strong> It may not be the traditional proper ettiqute but I think being honest and upfront goes a long way.
</strong>Posted by Sportzchck[/QUOTE]

So if I tell you to your face that you're fat and ugly and stupid and you shouldn't be allowed out in public, you'd be okay with that because honesty and upfronted-ness matter more than "traditional proper" etiquette?

jsbt2014

As someone who was excluded from an invitation, it is definitely rude. My FI (then BF of 3 years), his parents, siblings, and their SOs were all invited, but I was left out. FI declined the invitation. I was the newest one to join the family, but still, 3 years is a pretty long time. They told FMIL that it was because of size, and we're always friendly towards each other, but it still feels a little awkward.

Sportzchck

So I decided to do some more research on this and found this post on the proper ettique for +1s from Emily Post who is an ettique expert and writes an ettique column for the NY Times.
Just trying to provide all sides of the picture. It isn't necessary to jump down each other's throats here. Everyone should be happy. You are all engaged!
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/04/fashion/weddings/04WELLMANNERED.html

kinsey0628

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-not-let-guests-bring-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4e9b7104-8100-41f7-b609-a61e5bb37ef1Post:de96f162-97ec-4660-8b5b-94e77d2eec4a">Re: Rude to not let guests bring +1's??</a>:
[QUOTE]Everyone should be happy. You are all engaged!
Posted by Sportzchck[/QUOTE]

No we're not

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-not-let-guests-bring-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4e9b7104-8100-41f7-b609-a61e5bb37ef1Post:de96f162-97ec-4660-8b5b-94e77d2eec4a">Re: Rude to not let guests bring +1's??</a>:
[QUOTE]So I decided to do some more research on this and found this post on the proper ettique for +1s from Emily Post who is an ettique expert and writes an ettique column for the NY Times. Just trying to provide all sides of the picture. It isn't necessary to jump down each other's throats here. Everyone should be happy. You are all engaged! <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/04/fashion/weddings/04WELLMANNERED.html" rel="nofollow">http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/04/fashion/weddings/04WELLMANNERED.html</a>
Posted by Sportzchck[/QUOTE]
Emily Post is dead.  When she was alive she gave good etiquette advice, but now her descendants are writing in her name and frankly f*cking her reputation up.  The person who wrote the response was PEGGY Post, not Emily, and she's incorrect.

likeadeadstar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-not-let-guests-bring-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4e9b7104-8100-41f7-b609-a61e5bb37ef1Post:995b7af7-2fee-4d79-bb17-23f017bc8c23">Re: Rude to not let guests bring +1's??</a>:
[QUOTE]Seriously, if a super close friend or family member told me that she simply could not afford to have everyone's SOs at the wedding, I would not be super excited about it, but I certainly would not throw a giant hissy fit and refuse to attend. Oh no! One evening/weeked away from my SO! It's the end of the world as we know it.  It is not a big deal. If someone is going to refuse to attend your wedding without their bf or gf of six months, then save their invite for someone else. 
Posted by musicalcanadianbride[/QUOTE]

My fiance and I were essentially living together (as in, he never went home except to grab clothes) after two months.  Length of time does not a serious relationship dictate and yes, I would be mighty pissed if someone invited me to a wedding without him even then, because, surprise, we were talking marriage at 6 months in.  I know we're kind of an exception, but this is precisely why etiquette states inviting SOs of all relationships, as defined by those in it. 

You also disregard that someone might not want to travel hours and book a hotel solo, or even drink solo at a wedding with mostly strangers,  One would hope that nothing bad would happen at a wedding, but it could, and frankly, even if single at the time, I wouldn't attend a wedding without a plus one unless I knew a lot of friends due to safety concerns and personal comfort.

To clarify: as an example, I would not, personally, be put out by a wedding with certain drinks for free and cash for everything else, <strong>but it is still poor etiquette for that wedding to be set up like that</strong>.  You can feel it's not a big deal, and that's fine to feel that, but it doesn't change the fact it's lousy etiquette, which is the topic of this board.

edited for clarity

lilja032

I was invited to a coworkers wedding where both my Fi and I were invited to the ceremony but only I was invited to the reception. We both found that so offensive and we declined. The person who's wedding it was seems to come from a group of friends who have serious etiquette issues (for the wedding of her best friend who also works with us Fi and I were invited to the ceremony and not the reception, a day before the wedding we got a text from said friend saying "So and so can't come to the reception so they've now got spare seats for you guys if you want to come to the reception"). 

Despite the fact that she explained to me that budget restrictions were such that she couldn't accommodate everyone I felt insulted that I didn't mean enough to her to include my Fi and Fi felt hurt that she didn't think he was important enough to attend. Nobody wins in these sorts of situations.

mollyehren

I personally would not attend a wedding my fiancee was not also invited to and would almost take it as an insult to our relationship and probably would not invite that person when I got married.

tinstarsunshine

We gave most of our guests a +1 (exception being younger cousins if you are in HS i dont want your BF/GF there and neither do your parents). It came in handy since one of my BM just got engage and NO ONE  outside her family knew she was even dating this guy.  I understand the aggravation and the expense though.  On the brightside most non-serious  BF/GF relationships you are worried about dont usually show.  Girls will guilt their partners into coming but guys usually dont give two figs if its causual.  Remember weddings are an expense for guests too.  If you are concerned just dont invite the pair.  I know its sucks if you want them there but its rough to break up couples.  Only time i wouldnt care is if the invites and RSVP have come back and its the week of.  At that point its too late to be adding people in last minute.  Best of luck to you in your planning.  Just wait until closer to your date to decide who you want with you.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-not-let-guests-bring-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4e9b7104-8100-41f7-b609-a61e5bb37ef1Post:20a7f4fe-8cd2-40ce-895f-e4a98c14dd7f">Re: Rude to not let guests bring +1's??</a>:
[QUOTE]When my fiance (at the time he was my boyfriend) was invited to a wedding & I wasn't invited, I didn't care. I actually liked not being invited because I didn't know anyone else there except my now fiance. Had I been invited then I probably would have felt obligated to go & secretly hate being there. I do believe inviting significant others, but there has to be a cutoff limit. Now my brother has this girlfriend, who "no one" in the family can stand. She's rude & disrespectful to everyone.<strong> My fiance don't want her there period & I was going to invite her just not to cost any trouble.</strong> Get creative. Our wedding is immediate family only. And with the siblings our rule is no ring, no date, period. My brother won't care. He doesn't like taking her anywhere because she starts fights with everyone & we don't want that kind of drama.
Posted by Dont AskMeAgain[/QUOTE]

How much would her trouble cost?

LeahMI

My question is....

Do you have to write their name on the invitation? Or should you just assume that your invitee will write their name on the RSVP card?

I feel like it looks weird to invite say, a friend or cousin, and on the invitation write their gf/bf's name. Particularly if they don't live together...

Also, what if there's a SO but they don't live together but we're inviting them together? Should we just send it to the guy's house and write both of their names on the invitation?

cescob01

Just be consistent. If you are inviting some friends with SOs, then, yes, you have to invite all friend that have SOs. 

stefaniewattie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-not-let-guests-bring-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4e9b7104-8100-41f7-b609-a61e5bb37ef1Post:4a4f6824-93ef-4601-8fe9-ea86e1f76503">Re: Rude to not let guests bring +1's??</a>:
[QUOTE]Just be consistent. If you are inviting some friends with SOs, then, yes, you have to invite all friend that have SOs. 
Posted by cescob01[/QUOTE]

no. no. no.
Do people not read the PP before commenting??
You MUST invite EVERYONE that has a SO, WITH that SO! Period, there are NO exceptions to this matter.

JSBabiarz

I'm running into a similar problem. 

I tend to agree that if your friend has a significant other that they should be invited to the wedding whether you like them or not.  However,  a practice in our family is to invite all the cousins and their SO only if they are married, when we get the RSVPs back and have some No's, then we invite the g/f or b/f.  It only works because its family and everyone understands.  

Also for work friends, we told them that we wouldn't be able to invite everyone if we had to invite their SO, so we told them we would be inviting them without a +1 and they were all ok with that.  They actually think they will have more fun this way. 

Dont AskMeAgain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-not-let-guests-bring-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4e9b7104-8100-41f7-b609-a61e5bb37ef1Post:378678c5-2088-436e-86fb-f9ac1623ad98">Re: Rude to not let guests bring +1's??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Rude to not let guests bring +1's?? : How much would her trouble cost?
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

Ours is $172 pp. Which may or may not be a lot depending on who you ask. For us, it's not that bad, but peace of mind is priceless. The way we are doing our wedding is we each have to agree with something or it's not going to happen. He put his foot down & said she's not coming. She literally starts fights with everyone. Then she has to be escorted out before it turns physical. Also, we decided a long time ago any family members the other has to be intoduced to (whether it's his stepgrandma or my stepsister) can't come. I'm not close with my stepfamily & he isn't close with his.

[Deleted User]

I agree with most everyone here. I also had this happen to me, first when I had just started dating my now fiance, and I accepted it- they didn't know him well and we were new then. But then it happened 3 more times with other friends who set up a long-term or marriage rule. The first time, I was with my SO for just under a year, which was the "dead-line" for a +1 invite- made me more pissed that my SO went to the wedding and sat next to an empty seat... I also, got fed up with this and declined the invitation to the most recent offender who told me we weren't serious enough- 3 and a half years isn't serious apparently (they were together for 3 when they got married). It is really hurtful when a friend does this, especially when other SOs get invited. I have been to 1 too many weddings where I had to sit out on couples dances watching the other people who's SOs got an invite.  And trust me, there is always one or two people there you don't want, but you won't be spending that much time with them anyway- you will be pulled amongst all the guests, so in the end it won't matter the peope you dislike are there.

carrieloomis

If someone has a significant other and you know about him/her, I think it's rude to not have a +1. If they're single when you send out invites and start dating someone a week before the wedding that's a little different but if Jimmy has been dating Sally for 6 months it would be rude to invite only Jimmy just because you don't know/like Sally. Especially if Johnny got to bring his girlfriend because you like her.

stefaniewattie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rude-not-let-guests-bring-1s?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4e9b7104-8100-41f7-b609-a61e5bb37ef1Post:fd5b7693-45dd-4a46-a5e1-ea80f8223acb">Re: Rude to not let guests bring +1's??</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm running into a similar problem.  I tend to agree that if your friend has a significant other that they should be invited to the wedding whether you like them or not.  However,  a practice in our family is to invite all the cousins and their SO only if they are married, when we get the RSVPs back and have some No's, then we invite the g/f or b/f.  It only works because its family and everyone understands.   Also for work friends, we told them that we wouldn't be able to invite everyone if we had to invite their SO, so we told them we would be inviting them without a +1 and they were all ok with that.  They actually think they will have more fun this way. 
Posted by JSBabiarz[/QUOTE]

So, technically, your FI wouldnt be invited to any family weddings then? Your not married..right?
Thats rude, who are YOU to judge the place someone else is in their relationship? Hell, FI and I have been together for 4 years, have been living together for 3, and have a 1 year old son! Were not married, so I guess were not serious enough.
Its RUDE, and this is the ETIQUETTE board, you as a host are obligated to invite the SO's of all guests, whether theyve been dating for a month or 10 years. If you cannot invite their SO, then do not invite either of them, or do a little budget wiggling and find the room for BOTH of them. Under no circumstances, is it ok to disregard this etiquette rule. Period.