Engagement faux pas?

MrsShay10

So I've read other boards and found out that it is considered a faux pas to throw your own engagement party. My fiance and I just had our engagement party, which we paid for, decorated, etc...No gifts were received ( I made sure to spread the word) outside of three cards with small monetary gifts form close family members and one friend. I was under the impression that as long as you dont hint at receiving gifts, this would be okay. We wanted to have one for our families to get accquainted, and for eveyone to relax and have a good time, watch our engagement slideshow, etc. Obviously, it's too late now (lol) but I guess I just wanted to clarify. There are quite a few rules of etiquette that I had never herad of until I started wedding planning. Now we had a wonderful time with family and friends and I wouldn't change a thing, but it's always nice to get opinions, agree/disagree. I know that I'm probably breaking a rule letting everyone know the reception is adults only, but the engagement party thing kinda shocked me. Is it a no-no no matter what, or does it depend on the way in which you present it??

akhensley81

Like you said, it's too late now anyway. Typically it's a no-no but I'm pretty sure you're not the only one who's done it. Just be sure to write good thank-you notes for the people who gave you gifts, and move on.

And make sure you don't plan your own shower or anything.

rbtrumpet

I think if you threw a party so your family and his family could get together and get to know each other, that's fine (I may be against proper etiquette on this, but if it's just a "get to know you" thing, then I can't see any harm).




defeinly do not throw your own shower!

waltzingmatilda13

What's done is done.

For future reference though, it's in poor taste to throw any party in your own honor. It just doesn't come across well.

[Deleted User]

I think the way you did it made it an exception. You really held more of a meet and greet and wanted your families together to celebrate your engagement with you. If more people brought gifts it probably would have been on the tacky side but since it was so few, they are probably people that would have sent you something if you did nothing at all for your engagement just because they love you.

jemmini6

I wouldn't worry about it, I intend to do sort of the same thing...although I don't think we'll really classify it as an "engagement party".  I just want my family and his to have an opportunity to meet before the wedding.  We'll probably just have a little party at our house, just the parents, siblings, grandparents and maybe a few aunts/uncles and friends.  (mostly just the people that are going to be the most involved in the wedding planning, so that if they ever need to contact one another, it won't be awkward).  This definitely won't be a gift situation at all...if people want to bring something, we will just say maybe a bottle of wine or food dish to share at the party...not actually a gift for us.

MISSCOURTNEY20

My FH and I had an engagement party that we hosted but it was nothing formal. We decided to go to a sport's bar and celebrate and just invited people to come out and celebrate with us. No gifts were expected or received.

I think what you did was fine but as PP said, do not host your shower.

BreeB89

it really doesnt matter what other people consider as a no-no....it seems like a great idea if your family doesnt know each other real well!

and to waltzingmatilda, if its poor taste to throw a party in your honor, what do you consider a wedding reception?
...just saying...

frenchy730

I aggree with the others.  This seems more of a party to introduce the families as a result of your engagement, not so much a party for the engagement itself. 

Yes there are several ettiquite rules that are old fashioned and may or may not hold in today's society, but in general, these social rules were at one time in place for a reason, and people should consider why they were used to begin with.

frenchy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_engagement-faux-pas-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5553d410-8bc8-4323-8a54-51ad109318e4Post:5225b54e-2228-4237-ab31-603f31c3e31f">Re: Engagement faux pas?</a>:
[QUOTE] if its poor taste to throw a party in your honor, what do you consider a wedding reception? ...just saying...
Posted by BreeB89[/QUOTE]
Receptions are usually considered a party for the people who attended your wedding.  The wedding reception is a way to thank your guests for sharing in the day's occasion.  You are "recieving" your guests.

MrsShay10

Thanks for all the feedback!
@ schlageterami and jemmini: yes that's exactly how we wanted it to be  
@frenchy: I agree, and I have no problem with the social rules, there are just some that I was not aware of until I began planning. I understand the need for them though, as I do consider myself a traditional bride.

I feel slightly better after reading the responses...we did want it to be a meet and greet, and it turned out great! We also introduced the bridal party to everyone, and our friends who had not met got a chance to talk. Good rule to know either way....and to all, NO I am definitely NOT throwing my own bridal shower!! lol

MrsShay10

To waltzingmatilda: Thanks for your advice, I see what you mean...except now I feel bad for throwing my sweet 16 and my 25th bday party too!!...  JK

TheCranberry

I think there are  many etiquette rules that have been around a long time that not many know about these days.  This is one of them.  I've gone to a few engagement parties thrown by the couple, and no one was offended or commented that it was bad etiquette that they hosted it themselves.  If no one in your family/social circle thinks it was bad etiquette or felt mistreated or put upon, I don't think you have to worry. 

WeddingBelleCR

I don't think you have to worry either.  I don't think there is anything wrong with throwing the engagement party yourselves. 

Did you register for your engagment party?  I just sent out the invites for our engagement party in October, but wasn't sure if I should include my registry info with the invite.  I'm registered on MyRegistry.com so I could easily use their free eCard service to send my info to everyone via e-mail...but wasn't sure how that would be received.  Any thoughts?

tesskerr

I think it's rude to expect other people to pay for and host parties eg. engagement parties. Maybe back in "the olden days" when you lived with your parents until you were married. I have lived with my FI for 7 years, and it would make me feel sick and embarrassed if someone hosted a party for us. I think now days it is much more acceptable to host your own (gift free) parties.

To me, an engagement party is not really "honouring" the couple, it's more of a celebration, meet and greet, "yay we're getting married".

BTW I'm not from the states, so perhaps etiquette is a little less important 

ClassicT

There was nothing wrong with you throwing your engagement party.

There is theknot.com and then there's the real world. I highly doubt any of your guests thought it was inappropriate or offensive. If they did, they wouldn't have shown up.

clearheavens

I think these days, most people are very forgiving about you throwing your own party with the exception of showers.  The reason is that showers are meant for people to shower you for gifts.  The very nature of throwing your own shower means asking for gifts.  That is a very bad faux pas.

On that same note, never broadcast your registry information anywhere (even on an invitation insert!) except by word of mouth (from someone other than yourself), on a shower invite, and pooooosibly via wedding website.  There will even be brides who feel putting registry information on a wedding website is also tacky.

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]There was nothing wrong with you throwing your engagement party. There is theknot.com and then there's the real world. I highly doubt any of your guests thought it was inappropriate or offensive. If they did, they wouldn't have shown up.
Posted by ClassicT[/QUOTE]
That's right, TK exists in its own little bubble. We just make up our own etiquette as we go along. That it coincides with experts on the subject is purely coincidental.

Classic, there is such a thing as thinking something inappropriate or offensive and just not saying anything.... but still giving major side-eye even as they do show up to your self-hosted party in honor of yourselves.

(OP, this wasn't directed at you - if you didn't know when you were planning it, you didn't know, which is better than knowing and doing it anyway.)