getting married on the DL?

SoonToBeMrsH0309

I recently lost my health insurance. My fiance suggested that we get married in secret so I can be covered under his and still have our big wedding next summer.The only one that would know would be one of my sorority sisters that would be there as a wittness. We are not living together, nor would we until next summer. He has a good job about 2 north and I still have a little  bit of school yet, so living together is not an option. Good idea? Bad idea?

sarabellam

Lying to people is NEVER a good idea. And by keeping your marriage a secret from people, you are lying by omission.

Stackeye210

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:a4cf9b7e-1e16-4355-b48c-ac688aee99d2">getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]I recently lost my health insurance. My fiance suggested that we get married in secret so I can be covered under his and still have our big wedding next summer.The only one that would know would be one of my sorority sisters that would be there as a wittness. We are not living together, nor would we until next summer. He has a good job about 2 north and I still have a little  bit of school yet, so living together is not an option. Good idea? Bad idea?
Posted by SoonToBeMrsH0309[/QUOTE]


This would be lying.  Lying is always a bad idea.  People will find out and feelings will be hurt.  Be honest with yourself and with the people you consider friends. 

If you feel it's necessary to get married now then do so - - but that would be your wedding date.  By all means simulate your wedding day later if you seriously have to (vow renewal), but don't lie about it being the first time getting married.  That's just wrong. 

waltzingmatilda13

I personally know someone who did this (my own sister) and I found out almost a year later and really felt cheated and stupid. Looking back I saw how I was all excited about the wedding day and signing the marriage certificate and now I feel like an idiot because I know it was all a big show. Some part of me will probably never forgive and forget. Please don't do this to your family.

Rosie109

I really love my family and FI's family and I know how much it would hurt them to be lied to about something so significant. I don't like the idea at all. 

baystateapple

I understand that health insurance is expensive, but there are other ways to get it, rather than marrying in secret and lying to your family and friends.  I know someone who did this and I was devastated when found out she lied to me.  Her parents still don't know.  I can't believe she's kept up this lie since 2006. 

If you decide you have to get married early...don't make it a secret.  Or move the wedding up.  Wouldn't you rather have the REAL wedding early, than do a quickie wedding with a big party a year later?

AdeleDazeem

Just out of curiousity... what would you do if you WEREN'T engaged?  What if you didn't have a fiance to fall back on for health insurance?

I was out of health insurance for a few months last year.  Instead of getting married on the DL, I got single payer insurance from BlueCross Blue Shield.  It was ~ $100 a month.

EDIT: and before you say that's too much, most cell phone plans cost something around that if you have internet access.  Make health insurance a priority.

Ciaram22

I agree with everyone else. Never a good idea to lie to your family and friends about such a huge life changing decision.

b0710

I agree with everyone else. I attended an out-of-state wedding and spent a ton of money getting there, hotel, dress, parties, etc. and attended their back at home reception....only to find out a few months later they had secretly gotten married in Vegas a few months before all of that. I was very annoyed and upset about all the money for show.  I wouldn't do this. Like PPs have said, get some cheap insurance until the wedding....that's what my FI had to do, and he's managed to make it work w/o a full time job.

Blue & White

If you're under 26, you are required by law to be covered by your parents' insurance.

If not, look into domestic partner coverage before the wedding.  Not all companies have it, but your BF's might.

United Healthcare is also somewhat reasonably priced and I had no problems with them when I was making about $500 a month before I got my current job.  Since I actually HAVE health problems, and they didn't make me broke, it works out.

Mrs.B6302007

Bad.

jrkjpf

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:4b21b71c-aeec-4910-9fe7-09cb2e4c4f6e">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you're under 26, you are required by law to be covered by your parents' insurance. If not, look into domestic partner coverage before the wedding.  Not all companies have it, but your BF's might. United Healthcare is also somewhat reasonably priced and I had no problems with them when I was making about $500 a month before I got my current job.  Since I actually HAVE health problems, and they didn't make me broke, it works out.
Posted by Blue & White[/QUOTE]

I really wish i would have know this. I had been out of coverage for almost 4 years. All under the age of 26, which I happen to be now.

mespence47

I know someone who did this in my town.  They looked like fools when everyone found out about 2 months before their wedding.  It was their witness who spilled the beans.  Trust can only go so far and just because they are your "sorority sisters" doesn't swear them to secrecy. They are humans too.

midgetthemighty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:51a619f5-3e1b-47a8-9b5f-050b92740d8a">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: getting married on the DL? : I really wish i would have know this. I had been out of coverage for almost 4 years. All under the age of 26, which I happen to be now.
Posted by jrkjpf[/QUOTE]

If I remember correctly, it used to be younger that your parents were no longer able to cover you but Obama care changed the age to 26 (last year I think).

laurenpm

I agree with all PP.  OP, don't try to deceive your friends and family it will always get back to them.  

I bought temporary insurance last year for 6 months in between jobs and it was really reasonable.  Shop around some different companies and do your research and you'll be able to find a good deal.

jrkjpf

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:81fec2a8-a038-428e-84ac-ae0356078001">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: getting married on the DL? : If I remember correctly, it used to be younger that your parents were no longer able to cover you but Obama care changed the age to 26 (last year I think).
Posted by midgetthemighty[/QUOTE]

Oh ok, I was going to say, how did I not hear about this. I got booted off of their insurance after i graduated college. And when i took this contractor job with the government, they only offered partial insurance, and it's just not worth the money. So i just waited it out until I got hired on.

But this may help OP, Geisigner Choise offers very very reasonable affordable heath plans, actually better than some I have had while being employed.

ggirl2001

Bad, bad idea. You don't want to start off your marriage with a lie. Also it will be hard to refer to your FI as FI when he is really your husband. I understand that health insurance is a pain. I had one month without health insurance (finished school, started work, health insurance wasn't active yet) and I ended up in the ER with some injuries. I paid the bills off little by little. If something happens, most places will work with you on a payment plan, or help you apply for emergency medicaid or something. If you're on meds that you take daily, check with the company a lot of time they have coupons and other things to help afford the cost.

[Deleted User]

No. You don't do this.

firsttimersluck

If you get married, it's not a wedding it's a vow renewal.
Telling people otherwise is lying to them, and I don't tihnk you wanto to start your marriage off as a lie.

SoonToBeMrsH0309

We didn't think that it would be taken so poorly. We don't consider a marriage to be 'real' unless your married in a church. A quick wedding at a court house would simply full fill the need for the state to consider us married. Our families and circles of friends are mostly very catholic and only consider a church wedding valid. Please don't take that as an insult to those of you who disagree. That's just my families beliefs. I am not criticizing or judging you.
.....and as for my sorority sister, I would trust her with my life and have no problems trusting her to keep a secret like that. If your not Greek, you wouldn't get it.
I am just under 26, so technically I could be put back on my parents policy, but I don't see that happening. They are still upset that I moved 5 hours away a couple years ago and still only call when mail gets delivered to their house.
Health insurance on my own is more then I can afford. The cheapest I have found is 250 a month and that is pretty basic. My school offers coverage for 1800 a semester, which is also out of the question.
Joy2611- I don't pay for my internet (thank you neighbors) and I sell cell phones so I get a HUGE employee discount. I pay like 20 bucks a month, so adding and extra 100 bucks to my budget is out of the question. so, thank you for judging my priorities.

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:cc8ddf93-ea5f-4954-84d1-500f9138c067">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]We didn't think that it would be taken so poorly. We don't consider a marriage to be 'real' unless your married in a church. <strong>A quick wedding at a court house would simply full fill the need for the state to consider us married. Our families and circles of friends are mostly very catholic and only consider a church wedding valid.</strong> Please don't take that as an insult to those of you who disagree. That's just my families beliefs. I am not criticizing or judging you. .....and as for my sorority sister, I would trust her with my life and have no problems trusting her to keep a secret like that. If your not Greek, you wouldn't get it. I am just under 26, so technically I could be put back on my parents policy, but I don't see that happening. They are still upset that I moved 5 hours away a couple years ago and still only call when mail gets delivered to their house. Health insurance on my own is more then I can afford. The cheapest I have found is 250 a month and that is pretty basic. My school offers coverage for 1800 a semester, which is also out of the question. Joy2611- I don't pay for my internet (thank you neighbors) and I sell cell phones so I get a HUGE employee discount. I pay like 20 bucks a month, so adding and extra 100 bucks to my budget is out of the question. so, thank you for judging my priorities.
Posted by SoonToBeMrsH0309[/QUOTE]

It doesn't matter what your family believes.  A courthouse wedding is STILL a wedding.  If it's real enough for you to write "M" on your taxes, or be on each other's insurance -- guess what.  It's still a legally-binding marriage.

Also, I am Catholic, and yes, while a courthouse wedding would not be considered a "marriage", guess what it WOULD be considered?  Living in sin.  Would your family really be happier with you living together (and lying to them)?

But it sounds like you're going to do whatever you want anyway, regardless of how we all see it, so why did you even ask this question in the first place?

laurenpm

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:cc8ddf93-ea5f-4954-84d1-500f9138c067">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]We didn't think that it would be taken so poorly. <strong>We don't consider a marriage to be 'real' unless your married in a church.</strong> A quick wedding at a court house would simply full fill the need for the state to consider us married. Our families and circles of friends are mostly very catholic and only consider a church wedding valid. Please don't take that as an insult to those of you who disagree. That's just my families beliefs. I am not criticizing or judging you. .....and as for my sorority sister, I would trust her with my life and have no problems trusting her to keep a secret like that. If your not Greek, you wouldn't get it. I am just under 26, so technically I could be put back on my parents policy, but I don't see that happening. They are still upset that I moved 5 hours away a couple years ago and still only call when mail gets delivered to their house. Health insurance on my own is more then I can afford. The cheapest I have found is 250 a month and that is pretty basic. My school offers coverage for 1800 a semester, which is also out of the question. Joy2611- I don't pay for my internet (thank you neighbors) and I sell cell phones so I get a HUGE employee discount. I pay like 20 bucks a month, so adding and extra 100 bucks to my budget is out of the question. so, thank you for judging my priorities.
Posted by SoonToBeMrsH0309[/QUOTE]<div>Sorry I couldn't read past the bolded part.  I know you (hopefully) don't mean this but you are offending all the people who get married in a court house and consider it their REAL wedding <strong>because it is</strong>.  </div><div>
</div>

jrkjpf

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:cc8ddf93-ea5f-4954-84d1-500f9138c067">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]We didn't think that it would be taken so poorly. We don't consider a marriage to be 'real' unless your married in a church. A quick wedding at a court house would simply full fill the need for the state to consider us married. Our families and circles of friends are mostly very catholic and only consider a church wedding valid. Please don't take that as an insult to those of you who disagree. That's just my families beliefs. I am not criticizing or judging you. .....and as for my sorority sister, I would trust her with my life and have no problems trusting her to keep a secret like that. If your not Greek, you wouldn't get it. I am just under 26, so technically I could be put back on my parents policy, but I don't see that happening. They are still upset that I moved 5 hours away a couple years ago and still only call when mail gets delivered to their house. Health insurance on my own is more then I can afford. <strong>The cheapest I have found is 250 a month and that is pretty basic.</strong> My school offers coverage for 1800 a semester, which is also out of the question. Joy2611- I don't pay for my internet (thank you neighbors) and I sell cell phones so I get a HUGE employee discount. I pay like 20 bucks a month, so adding and extra 100 bucks to my budget is out of the question. <strong>so, thank you for judging my priorities.
</strong>Posted by SoonToBeMrsH0309[/QUOTE]

Unless you have only looked at 1 site, this may be the case. But seriously, look around, there are plans cheaper than $250 a month. Or call your FI's insurance and see if they will honor an early add-on.

Also, you asked for help, people are giving you help. Don't get snippy when it doesn't go your way and everyone doesn't jump on your "do it" band wagon.

lyndausvi

How much is it going to cost your FI to put you on his policy?   It costs us $104 per paycheck.  We get paid bi-weekly, which averages to $225 a month (pre-tax).

  If your FI is willing to put you on the policy and he has to pay for it, maybe the 2 of you can come up with the money together to get your own policy.

sarah0725

Can you guys get a domestic partnership and share health benefits that way? I know a couple who is doing that in NJ.

waltzingmatilda13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:cc8ddf93-ea5f-4954-84d1-500f9138c067">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]We didn't think that it would be taken so poorly. <strong>We don't consider a marriage to be 'real' unless your married in a church.</strong> A quick wedding at a court house would simply full fill the need for the state to consider us married. Our families and circles of friends are mostly very catholic and only consider a church wedding valid. Please don't take that as an insult to those of you who disagree. That's just my families beliefs. I am not criticizing or judging you. .....and as for my sorority sister, I would trust her with my life and have no problems trusting her to keep a secret like that. If your not Greek, you wouldn't get it. <strong>I am just under 26, so technically I could be put back on my parents policy, but I don't see that happening.</strong> They are still upset that I moved 5 hours away a couple years ago and still only call when mail gets delivered to their house. Health insurance on my own is more then I can afford. The cheapest I have found is 250 a month and that is pretty basic. My school offers coverage for 1800 a semester, which is also out of the question. Joy2611- <strong>I don't pay for my internet (thank you neighbors)</strong> and I sell cell phones so I get a HUGE employee discount. I pay like 20 bucks a month, so adding and extra 100 bucks to my budget is out of the question. so, thank you for judging my priorities.
Posted by SoonToBeMrsH0309[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>1. The state considers a real marriage as one that is legal, as in you signed the paperwork and swore before an officer of the court, so yes, you would really be married. A church wedding does not make it real, the legal paperwork does. </div><div>
</div><div>2. You won't know unless you ask. I can't believe your parents would rather have you get married to get insurance than let you go without. </div><div>
</div><div>3. Please tell me you are not stealing internet service from your neighbors, because that is what I am getting out of that comment. </div><div>
</div><div>BTW, If you were looking for validation for your bad idea you definitely came to the wrong forum. Please take what we have all said to heart, especially those of us who have dealt with situations like this. When people find out, and they will one way or another, they will be hurt and mad. Continue looking for insurance somewhere else. Have your FI ask at work, because if you live together you may still be able to on his insurance even without getting married first. 

</div>

pantherRN

Ditto everyone else. If you are a college student, your school should be able to offer you coverage at a decent cost. ETA: Reading comprehension fail.

LDYGTR13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_getting-married-dl?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:574b8386-c155-405e-b155-83f732a532b5Post:cc8ddf93-ea5f-4954-84d1-500f9138c067">Re: getting married on the DL?</a>:
[QUOTE]We didn't think that it would be taken so poorly. We don't consider a marriage to be 'real' unless your married in a church. A quick wedding at a court house would simply full fill the need for the state to consider us married. Our families and circles of friends are mostly very catholic and only consider a church wedding valid. Please don't take that as an insult to those of you who disagree. That's just my families beliefs.<strong> I am not criticizing or judging you. .....and as for my sorority sister, I would trust her with my life and have no problems trusting her to keep a secret like that. If your not Greek, you wouldn't get it. </strong>I am just under 26, so technically I could be put back on my parents policy, but I don't see that happening. They are still upset that I moved 5 hours away a couple years ago and still only call when mail gets delivered to their house. Health insurance on my own is more then I can afford. The cheapest I have found is 250 a month and that is pretty basic. My school offers coverage for 1800 a semester, which is also out of the question. Joy2611- I don't pay for my internet (thank you neighbors) and I sell cell phones so I get a HUGE employee discount. I pay like 20 bucks a month, so adding and extra 100 bucks to my budget is out of the question. so, thank you for judging my priorities.
Posted by SoonToBeMrsH0309[/QUOTE]

I'm Greek. I love my sorority sisters. Last check, they're still human and most are capable of speaking and gossiping. I'm Greek and I still don't get it.

On the topic of what you're thinking about - I find it to be kinda shady. I'm also interested in what you would do if for some reason you ended up NOT getting married the next summer. You'd be married, so you'd have to get a divorce. How would you go about that without people knowing?

I need to be nice. OP, it's just not a good idea. Trust us on this one.

Good luck planning your wedding!! (The one that's next summer...b/c after everything we've said, I know you're smart enough not to do this JOP super secret ninja wedding)

FutureMrsTR

I had temporary health insurance for $45/mo.  UnitedHealthcareOne.  Check it out.  Don't be a liar.

FutureMrsTR

And what if something serious happens and you have to use your new H's insurance?  How will you explain that to everyone while pretending you're not married?

ggirl2001

Ok, so the "real wedding" would be your catholic ceremony. I'm Catholic. I'm pretty sure that part of being Catholic is not lying to your family and friends. So please don't use that line. Your priest would not be happy to find out that you lied about the ceremony to your family and friends.