HELP! Bridesmaidzilla!

aislinnangel82

I have gotten myself into a bit of a pickle and I am not sure what to do! I have had a close group of friends since I was little. I asked all 9 to be in my wedding and am now having regrets. My maid of honor has done nothing to help me. The two things I have asked for her help with she has blown off. She hardly even talks to me. Then another bridesmaid told the other girls that she doesnt care what they say shes picking the dress and color. She has also blown off 3 big things I have invited her to. Any advice??

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaidzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cd5f92e-8e7d-49e8-a228-35991c23b7aePost:562d8db0-f4b6-413f-9090-f8e1183846f5">HELP! Bridesmaidzilla!</a>:
[QUOTE]I have gotten myself into a bit of a pickle and I am not sure what to do! I have had a close group of friends since I was little. I asked all 9 to be in my wedding and am now having regrets. My maid of honor has done nothing to help me. The two things I have asked for her help with she has blown off. She hardly even talks to me. Then another bridesmaid told the other girls that she doesnt care what they say shes picking the dress and color. She has also blown off 3 big things I have invited her to. Any advice??
Posted by aislinnangel82[/QUOTE]

Unfortunately, no one will care as much about your wedding as you do. Your BMs might help you plan, but they have no obligation to do so. You pick people based on their friendships, not how they can help you plan. Some people hate weddings, that doesn't mean they aren't your best friends.

If you kick anyone out, plan on completely ending the friendship & never talking to them again. Work on your friendships, then the wedding will work itself out. Take them out just to hang out, no wedding talk.

iamsteph

I guess you could ask her again whether she actually wants to be in the wedding party, and if so, you've picked out the dress style and color, and you want all your bridesmaids to match. And you can't force your bridesmaids (even the MOH) to do stuff.  All they have to do is show up for the wedding.

Take a calming deep breath.  You have nine bridesmaids, and so if one doesn't have the time to help you out with stuff, you still have eight more

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaidzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cd5f92e-8e7d-49e8-a228-35991c23b7aePost:d2a7927e-c135-4b61-8d38-065b89fd105f">Re: HELP! Bridesmaidzilla!</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess you could ask her again whether she actually wants to be in the wedding party, and if so, you've picked out the dress style and color, and you want all your bridesmaids to match. And you can't force your bridesmaids (even the MOH) to do stuff.  All they have to do is show up for the wedding. Take a calming deep breath.  You have nine bridesmaids, and so if one doesn't have the time to help you out with stuff, you still have eight more :)
Posted by iamsteph[/QUOTE]

*headdesk*

NO!

You do not ask people if they "really, truly want to be in the WP" That only comes off as "I want to kick you out but I'm not going to tell you that so could you just do me a favor and step down?"

OP, no one is required to help you with anything. No one. It would behoove you to learn that quickly. If you and your FI cannot handle the plans by yourselves, then you need to scale back or hire a coordinator.

And since these girls are paying for the pretty dresses they will be wearing, I think it would be nice if you took their opinions into consideration. Lots of girls pick fabric, color, and length and set them loose. I personally picked a color family (blue) and a length and told them to go to town. Mostly cause I think matchy matchy looks weird. Either way, you need to keep their budgets and tastes in mind when choosing attire.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaidzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cd5f92e-8e7d-49e8-a228-35991c23b7aePost:d2a7927e-c135-4b61-8d38-065b89fd105f">Re: HELP! Bridesmaidzilla!</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess you could ask her again whether she actually wants to be in the wedding party, and if so, you've picked out the dress style and color, and you want all your bridesmaids to match. <strong>And you can't force your bridesmaids (even the MOH) to do stuff.  All they have to do is show up for the wedding.</strong> Take a calming deep breath.  <strong>You have nine bridesmaids, and so if one doesn't have the time to help you out with stuff, you still have eight more </strong>:)
Posted by iamsteph[/QUOTE]

No and no.  Even asking if she wants to remain in the WP is hinting at asking her to step down. You're right, BMs don't have to do anything with wedding prep so your last couple of  sentences are almost contradictory.  What does she has 8 more have to do with anything?

iamsteph

Let me clarify:

I'm the type of person that if I think someone doesn't want to do something, I'll ask them. I don't want to make them do something if they regret saying they'll do it.  If their life is so hectic, or they can't afford to be in the wedding party, I'll ask them if they still want to be in it, TO GIVE THEM AN OUT. Trust me, I'd reaffirm that I would love to have them in the wedding party, and anyways, I wouldn't have asked anyone who didn't know me well enough and would assume that I was trying to boot them out. 

And my "contradictory" statement was only saying that if you have one bridesmaid not helping out, you still have eight more you can ask, not eight more that you can make them do it. It wasn't contradictory, you just didn't comprehend what I was trying to say.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaidzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cd5f92e-8e7d-49e8-a228-35991c23b7aePost:1229b676-6538-4198-b29f-12f2d43c3179">Re: HELP! Bridesmaidzilla!</a>:
[QUOTE]Let me clarify: I'm the type of person that if I think someone doesn't want to do something, I'll ask them. I don't want to make them do something if they regret saying they'll do it.  If their life is so hectic, or they can't afford to be in the wedding party, I'll ask them if they still want to be in it, TO GIVE THEM AN OUT. Trust me, I'd reaffirm that I would love to have them in the wedding party, and anyways, I wouldn't have asked anyone who didn't know me well enough and would assume that I was trying to boot them out.  And my "contradictory" statement was only saying that if you have one bridesmaid not helping out, you still have eight more you can ask, not eight more that you can make them do it. <strong>It wasn't contradictory, you just didn't comprehend what I was trying to say.</strong>
Posted by iamsteph[/QUOTE]

Perhaps because it wasn't written well? 
If the BMs offer to help, that's fine; but you don't ask them to help.  That's why a bride has a FI. ;-)

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaidzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cd5f92e-8e7d-49e8-a228-35991c23b7aePost:1229b676-6538-4198-b29f-12f2d43c3179">Re: HELP! Bridesmaidzilla!</a>:
[QUOTE]Let me clarify: I'm the type of person that if I think someone doesn't want to do something, I'll ask them. I don't want to make them do something if they regret saying they'll do it.  If their life is so hectic, or they can't afford to be in the wedding party, I'll ask them if they still want to be in it, TO GIVE THEM AN OUT. Trust me, I'd reaffirm that I would love to have them in the wedding party, and anyways, I wouldn't have asked anyone who didn't know me well enough and would assume that I was trying to boot them out.  And my "contradictory" statement was only saying that if you have one bridesmaid not helping out, you still have eight more you can ask, not eight more that you can make them do it. It wasn't contradictory, you just didn't comprehend what I was trying to say.
Posted by iamsteph[/QUOTE]

1. If you ask them if they still want to be in the WP, you are making it clear that they haven't done what you wanted & are giving them an out. Plus, you will make them uncomfortable and make the relationship worse, not better.

2. Personally, asking someone to do something for your wedding should include a discussion about much you can pay them. My point is BMs aren't vendors, don't treat them like they are.

Snippylynn

No, Steph, we didn't misunderstand, you're still wrong.

[Deleted User]

BM's are not required to do anything besides put on the dress and stand beside you on your wedding day. If she offers to help with anything else, then that is fine and great, but she is definitely not required and shouldn't feel obligated.

My MOH/sister lives 650 miles away from us. Do you think she could help me a lot even though our wedding was in our hometown? No, she did what she could, a few things here and there, but everything else my husband and I took care of ourselves via phone or e-mail. Plus, she is very busy in school and works full time and I didn't want to put an extra burden and stress on her.

tldh

Your wedding is 09/11/2011.  What in the world are you asking these girls to do this soon??

No matter, their only job is to walk down the aisle, stand next to you and smile at the camera.  Everything else is voluntary on their parts.  The one who helps you with the wedding is your FI.

As for the BM who thinks she's picking out the dresses, you are the bride.  Just tell her and the others that this is not how it's going to go down.

mermaidutp

I think it has more to do with the title of bridesmaid or MOH.  If you're someone's best friend and they ask you for help it seems kind of catty to keep blowing them off.  If the MOH isn't in to wedding planning or is tired of hearing about/doing wedding things - I would hope she'd be honest (yet kind) about it.  Maybe she's upset about something else or maybe there are things going on in her life that you aren't aware of or aren't paying attention to?  While it's not the wedding party's job to plan the wedding and I'm not quite sure what OP's expectations are for her party...it just kind of bums me out for her that she feels that her friends aren't being supportive.  As for the dresses... I think you should reserve the "right" to pick the colors for your wedding, but it's always a good idea to have input or a consensus from the wp about what they like.  You want the ladies to look and feel their best, too.  One bridesmaid does not get to dictate what the other girls should wear.  With such a large party you could definitely get away with having a color family (as someone else suggested) or picking maybe 2 different color/fabric choices that go well together and letting the girls choose the cut/color/fabric option that fits best with their skin tone/shape.  Good luck!

mermaidutp

First line of last post was confusing...sorry...Sunday daze.  *I think its about more than just having the title of MOH or BM.  It's about the underlying friendship/relationship.  If you're a good friend it seems odd to me that you would keep blowing a friend off without explanation.

Gismo123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaidzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cd5f92e-8e7d-49e8-a228-35991c23b7aePost:1a298536-8af0-491f-9f3d-95015b7fa553">Re: HELP! Bridesmaidzilla!</a>:
[QUOTE]First line of last post was confusing...sorry...Sunday daze.  *I think its about more than just having the title of MOH or BM.  It's about the underlying friendship/relationship. <strong> If you're a good friend it seems odd to me that you would keep blowing a friend off without explanation</strong>.
Posted by mermaidutp[/QUOTE]

     EXACTLY!  While it's true your BM's and MOH aren't "required" to help with the wedding, I find it really rude that the MOH was asked to do something and she said ok then blew it off.  She should of just said something like "I would love to be your MOH but my life right now is really busy so I may not be able to help you as much as I would like".  If she agrees to do something she should <strong><em>DO IT</em></strong>, not just blow it off. 
     As for dress picking I find it appalling that you guys think the BM's should call the shots on the type of dress they should wear.  I have <strong>NEVER </strong>been in a wedding where the Bride didn't pick the dress.  Yes we were asked our opinions but in the end she picked the dress we wore...the wedding is about the BRIDE not the Bridesmaids.....and no I am not forcing my BM's to wear a dress they didn't like.  They actually love the one I picked except for the sash, which I let them pick out.

jericamegan06

my MOH was the same way. I actually had 2. My little sister and then my BFF. My bff did the same thing. when we went to do the dress fitting she never showed up! it was bothering me to the point that, that was all i was worried about. It is your wedding, and you dont want to lose a friendship over it, but it got so bad for me and my friend (she was only worried about her new beau) that i hated her! your bridesmaids dont HAVE to do anything, but true best friends want to. I had 9 bridesmaids as well.... every other one wanted to help out with everything! My BFF... my MOH upset me so much that my FI called her and told her how bad she hurt me and told her he wanted her to call me and step out of the wedding. We talked and fought, but now we are fine... and she is no longer in the wedding. She diidnt really want to be or have the time or money to be. Maybe your friend is the same way. Sometimes people have so much going on that they just dont have the time or patients to be in a wedding right now! she may have said yes to be polite bcuz she is one of ur best friends, but maybe right now she just cant do it!

Good luck with her and everything.... it is very hard when a friend hurts you like this! i know the feeling. but just remember their may be something going on with her to be making her act like this and you just havnt noticed!

marinabreeze

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaidzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cd5f92e-8e7d-49e8-a228-35991c23b7aePost:dd2360a1-e0f9-4a17-97e9-81d9b4098ae4">Re: HELP! Bridesmaidzilla!</a>:
[QUOTE]my MOH was the same way. I actually had 2. My little sister and then my BFF. My bff did the same thing. when we went to do the dress fitting she never showed up! it was bothering me to the point that, that was all i was worried about. It is your wedding, and you dont want to lose a friendship over it, but it got so bad for me and my friend (she was only worried about her new beau) that i hated her! your bridesmaids dont HAVE to do anything, but true best friends want to. I had 9 bridesmaids as well.... every other one wanted to help out with everything! My BFF... my MOH upset me so much that my FI called her and told her how bad she hurt me and told her he wanted her to call me and step out of the wedding. We talked and fought, but now we are fine... and she is no longer in the wedding. She diidnt really want to be or have the time or money to be. Maybe your friend is the same way. Sometimes people have so much going on that they just dont have the time or patients to be in a wedding right now! she may have said yes to be polite bcuz she is one of ur best friends, but maybe right now she just cant do it! Good luck with her and everything.... it is very hard when a friend hurts you like this! i know the feeling. but just remember their may be something going on with her to be making her act like this and you just havnt noticed!
Posted by jericamegan06[/QUOTE]

Nooooooooo!!!

On one hand, I do think there's an issue with friend not showing up or not doing what she says she'll do.  However, would you or the OP care if there wasn't a wedding being planned?  Both this and the OP's issue sound like friend issues, not wedding/BM issues.

1.  If you're truly good friends, what about asking them if they're okay, or if there's anything going on in their lives?  Maybe they're having problems that they haven't told you about because they don't want to make you feel bad while you're planning said wedding.  If that's the case, hinting at (or outright saying via enforah FI) removing MOH/BM from wedding party equals friend fail on your part, not their part.

2,  Were these people unreliable prior to accepting the honor of being in the wedding?  If so, what makes you think they're going to all of a sudden change just because they have a title?  Don't expect a leopard to change her spots just because it's for your wedding, and don't remove them because of your own unrealistic expectations.

3.  Maybe, just maybe, they aren't wedding people.  I agree they shouldn't stand you up when they say they're going to meet up or do something.  But at the same time, all a BM or MOH is supposed to do is get required dress in time for the wedding, stand up with you for ceremony and smile for pictures. That's it.  Don't expect other things out of them.  If they help out, that's great, but if not, fine.   But just because they're not psyched up for the wedding doesn't mean they don't support you or the marriage.    So don't make their non-desire to participate in pre-wedding festivities or activities into more than what it is.

marinabreeze

quick threadjack....

BTW, MissySue, love the siggypic!  O-H!

...back to original subject...

jagore08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaidzilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cd5f92e-8e7d-49e8-a228-35991c23b7aePost:562d8db0-f4b6-413f-9090-f8e1183846f5">HELP! Bridesmaidzilla!</a>:
[QUOTE]I have gotten myself into a bit of a pickle and I am not sure what to do! I have had a close group of friends since I was little. I asked all 9 to be in my wedding and am now having regrets. My maid of honor has done nothing to help me. The two things I have asked for her help with she has blown off. She hardly even talks to me. Then another bridesmaid told the other girls that she doesnt care what they say shes picking the dress and color. She has also blown off 3 big things I have invited her to. Any advice??
Posted by aislinnangel82[/QUOTE]
You're having quite a few BM problems from what I saw on the WP board.  Have you ever thought it's you, not them?