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Mind if I vomit on this page?

Those of you who were here last fall, know that my nephew is/was in AA & a heroin withdrawal program.  I won't bore you with the whole store.

He's 30 and he met a girl, 22, at the heroin program. I think  met her last year sometime.  Family party perhaps.  They live together in a room they rent in a house about 45 minutes from where his parents live.  She has no contact with her family save one sister.  They both get welfare and Medicaid, food stamps, etc.  Neither one has ever had a job.  Nephew may or may not have bipolar.

Thanksgiving surprise was the announcement that they will be having their first child in May.  THEIR first child.  Now I know I should have paid more attention at the time.

Yes, the little girl, EDD 5/30, is their first child.  She had a son two years ago who was removed by CPS.  She has no custody or parental rights but she does get a visit about once a month.  I assume the child was taken because of the heroin. I don't know, no one is talking.

I made Facebook because M was always teasing me that I was the only person she knew without it. I phone, visit, write, much more than do anything with FB.

This young lady requested me as a friend so I went to her page.  Nothing really unusual.  Some silly stuff, talking with her GFs, trying to place a litter of cats, and the like.

The only unusual thing was that she was posting in CAPS how many hours she has gone without a cigarette.   It's been a whole 17 hours.  And the baby is due May 30th.

She's applying for a ":mother's scholarship" (not a clue there) and complained that her dermal anchor piercing are falling out.

Tell me, should I worry or just RUN?

I have no problem with not being married but a total of $1100 in welfare a month does worry me.  My youngest sister is giving a baby shower in late April.  I guess I should go, right?
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Re: Mind if I vomit on this page?

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    OOT, that sucks.   I don't know if I have any real advice but I hate to hear that people who can't be trusted to take care of the children they already have to the point of removal continue to have them.  That poor, poor baby.  Breaks my heart.
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    don't worry, I have a garbage bag.  Got it when I opened that page

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    I haven't asked where they will be living;

    Wouldn't CPS. given her history, check in on the baby to be sure that she's being well cared for?

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mind-if-i-vomit-on-this-page?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cdae1a7-8a6b-4d72-9596-5151a4204f21Post:c80d4861-4d2e-4e83-958a-a31913954a03">Re: Mind if I vomit on this page?</a>:
    [QUOTE]One would hope, right?  This might be a stupid question, but do they know she's pregnant?  
    Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]

    I would assume so as she has to check in weekly. I believe they both do,

    I didn't know about the drugs, the girlfriends, the AA or any of this until another nephew's wedding last September.  I did know that he had been in the hospital for abipolar episode.
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    meg65meg65 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    If things are really that bad for them (which, since they are not homelessness and drug addicted, they aren't actually), they will need a lot of support, particularly if your nephew is bipolar.

    If the worst thing happening is that she is smoking cigarettes and they are on welfare, count yourself lucky.
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    Thank you all for the advice and prayers.

    The practical side:  yes, I think I have to go to the shower.  It's for the baby, not for the mother and that is my niece after all.  She needs everything, starting with a crib.  You know, the little things.

    Honestly, I'm afraid the person who will wind up raising this child will be my sister.  She's 61.  I'm only 8 years younger and there is NO way I could take on a newborn at this point of my life.
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    I'm sorry, that is a tough situation. That poor child. Do you live nearby the shower? If so I might just "swing by" if not I don't think it would be outrageous for you not to go (either way, for the record). 

    Megs, the "it could be worse" is never helpful.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mind-if-i-vomit-on-this-page?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cdae1a7-8a6b-4d72-9596-5151a4204f21Post:870fb479-aebb-4f7d-954a-2b9d2b5eb1ad">Re: Mind if I vomit on this page?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm sorry, that is a tough situation. That poor child. Do you live nearby the shower? If so I might just "swing by" if not I don't think it would be outrageous for you not to go (either way, for the record).  Megs, the "it could be worse" is never helpful.
    Posted by Megbo2012[/QUOTE]

    Thanks.  I live in Manhattan and the shower will be about 40 minutes out in NJ.I wouldn't be going for them, I would be going for that baby and for my sister!
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    meg65meg65 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mind-if-i-vomit-on-this-page?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cdae1a7-8a6b-4d72-9596-5151a4204f21Post:870fb479-aebb-4f7d-954a-2b9d2b5eb1ad">Re: Mind if I vomit on this page?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm sorry, that is a tough situation. That poor child. Do you live nearby the shower? If so I might just "swing by" if not I don't think it would be outrageous for you not to go (either way, for the record).  Megs, the "<strong>it could be worse" is never helpful.</strong>
    Posted by Megbo2012[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>I just think OP needs to put things into perspective. I mean really. These people need support, not "vomiting" and judgement of their lifestyle- their clean and sober, housed, $1100/month lifestyle. OP seems to have zero faith in her nephew and his girlfriend</div>
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    This is dividing the family.  1/4 are extreemly against her keeping the child.  1/4 are blowing up balloons ad giving showers. Quite honesly, 1/2 of us are sitting here with our thumbs in our butt because we don't k0ow what to do.

    My only firm stand is that  I will treat that baby the same as I treat my other nieces -and nephews.without exeption.  She didn't choose to be born to these two idiots, did she?
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mind-if-i-vomit-on-this-page?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cdae1a7-8a6b-4d72-9596-5151a4204f21Post:12f04170-adf3-42aa-8441-b321a8a5a929">Re: Mind if I vomit on this page?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mind if I vomit on this page? : I just think OP needs to put things into perspective. I mean really. These people need support, not "vomiting" and judgement of their lifestyle- their clean and sober, housed, $1100/month lifestyle. OP seems to have zero faith in her nephew and his girlfriend
    Posted by meg65[/QUOTE]


    Well $1100 a month in Jersey isn't a whole lot to afford a baby. Plus I really don't think it was that out of line to judge the woman on smoking while pregnant. Yeah things could be worse but voluntarily doing something that can severely harm a fetus is pretty judgeworthy and worrisome, IMO. It indicates carelessness toward another (currently completely dependent) human being.
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    edited March 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mind-if-i-vomit-on-this-page?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cdae1a7-8a6b-4d72-9596-5151a4204f21Post:a7b78c68-4f2b-4279-b19b-4339af427655">Re: Mind if I vomit on this page?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mind if I vomit on this page? : Thanks.  I live in Manhattan and the shower will be about 40 minutes out in NJ.I wouldn't be going for them, I would be going for that baby and for my sister!
    Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]

    <div>Yeah, that's what I figured.  Also, like you said, I can imagine that they don't have much to offer that baby. </div><div>
    </div><div>Megs the money is from welfare. You are missing the point. Any situation could be worse.  Pointing that out does not help.</div>
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    harpsdesireharpsdesire member
    First Comment
    edited March 2012
    Well when the baby is born I'm sure they'll get more wellfare.... at least that's the reason my ex's friend gave why friend and his on/off girlfriend kept having them....

    iJudge. 

    But on a more serious note, I'm sure your nephew and sister could use the support, so it's nice you're going to the shower.  It does seem like CPS probably knows about the baby, so he/she will at least get checked on regularly I expect.
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    Please excuse the intrusion.  Because my postings are so limited, I feel as if I  "invite myself into the homes of others" on boards where I am far from a "regular", and most certainly not as familiar as some of you appear to be with each other.

    I have had an almost identical situation with a nephew as well.  I would offer a few other thoughts to consider.......

    If the couple are currently receiving public assistance, in all likelihood the baby will be enrolled in a WIC program or other child welfare program that would provide formula, diapers, and other well being items.  A car seat would probably be provided as well.

    Without sounding like a pessimist, you may want to hold off on "showering" the baby until after the birth.  In our case, the baby was born with complications from the birthmother and her drug history.  The baby remained in the hospital over a month before being healthy enough to be released.  And, sadly, even after his release, the baby was put into foster care for a variety of reasons too long and complicated to address here.

    Good luck to you all, particularly the little one.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mind-if-i-vomit-on-this-page?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cdae1a7-8a6b-4d72-9596-5151a4204f21Post:8fd5d6a8-c070-4196-9220-3b43d824e237">Re: Mind if I vomit on this page?</a>:
    [QUOTE]If things are really that bad for them (which, since they are not homelessness and drug addicted, they aren't actually), they will need a lot of support, particularly if your nephew is bipolar. If the worst thing happening is that she is smoking cigarettes and they are on welfare, count yourself lucky.
    Posted by meg65[/QUOTE]

    My nephew has been supported since he was 14 and dropped out of high school. (brings up the bipolar again, never proven nor disproved)

    I happen to have a problem with a member of my family living off welfare and reproducing without a brain!  That isn't called luck but thanks for the reply
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    meg65meg65 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    I s'pose I see worse things everyday at my job (at a family homeless shelter, fyi, where people disappear into the night because the cops finally caught up with them/they relapsed on meth/CPS took their kids/they beat the sh*t out of their spouse) so this just rubs me the wrong way- just smoking while pregnant? just on welfare? What's the big deal?

    So yes, Megbo, I do actually think it is helpful when people put things in perspective. Isn't that the point of half these conversations on these boards? A reality check? 

    OP, like I said before, they need your support now. Feel free to "I told you so" if they fail, but don't go into it with such a bad attitude, even if you don't support "living off welfare and reproducing without a brain."
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mind-if-i-vomit-on-this-page?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cdae1a7-8a6b-4d72-9596-5151a4204f21Post:82e5c774-689d-4275-ae50-4c11d0b60308">Re: Mind if I vomit on this page?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I s'pose I see worse things everyday at my job (at a family homeless shelter, fyi, where people disappear into the night because the cops finally caught up with them/they relapsed on meth/CPS took their kids/they beat the sh*t out of their spouse) so this just rubs me the wrong way- just smoking while pregnant? just  on welfare? What's the big deal? So yes, Megbo, I do actually think it is helpful when people put things in perspective. Isn't that the point of half these conversations on these boards? A reality check?  OP, like I said before, they need your support now. Feel free to "I told you so" if  they fail, but don't go into it with such a bad attitude, even if you don't support "living off welfare and reproducing without a brain."
    Posted by meg65[/QUOTE]

    I agree that a couple on welfare having a baby and the mom smoking while pregnant is not shockingly scandalous necessarily, but from OOT's original post, it seems that there are deeper issues here.  Sure, there's a lot of people on welfare, and that does not necessarily make someone unfit for parenthood.  But neither of these people have EVER had a job.  And this woman already has a child that CPS took away, and she still does not have custody.  That makes me think there could be some serious issues going on with them, and that they're not trying to improve their own situation.  I think that's OOT's concern.

    Of course, I hope and pray the best for this couple and especially their baby.

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    edited March 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mind-if-i-vomit-on-this-page?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cdae1a7-8a6b-4d72-9596-5151a4204f21Post:82e5c774-689d-4275-ae50-4c11d0b60308">Re: Mind if I vomit on this page?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I s'pose I see worse things everyday at my job (at a family homeless shelter, fyi, where people disappear into the night because the cops finally caught up with them/they relapsed on meth/CPS took their kids/they beat the sh*t out of their spouse) so this just rubs me the wrong way- just smoking while pregnant? just  on welfare? What's the big deal? So yes, Megbo, I do actually think it is helpful when people put things in perspective. Isn't that the point of half these conversations on these boards? A reality check?  OP, like I said before, they need your support now. Feel free to "I told you so" if  they fail, but don't go into it with such a bad attitude, even if you don't support "living off welfare and reproducing without a brain."
    Posted by meg65[/QUOTE]

    Oh my god, seriously? It can ALWAYS be worse. I don't think OOT needs reminding of those things --- she wasn't born yesterday. So by your count, it isn't a big deal that someone is smoking while pregnant just because instead they could be taking meth or something worse? Are you also the type to say "Why are we spending all this money on frivolous entertainment when there are starving children in Africa?" Because this argument is pretty much the same.
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    OP look on the bright side she is quiting smoking shoulld have happened months ago but it is happening now. 

    While I agree that they should have been using protection and no have gotten pregnant there is nothing anyone can do about that now. 

    I am happy to hear that you will be going to the shower for the baby. While you may not like the lifestyle choices of the parents that little one is going to need a loving and supporting family. 

    T&P going your way for your family and the little one. 
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    Meg - I have to jump in and agree with everyone saying "it could be worse" is not helpful. In fact, I'm gonna go one further and say it's downright insulting. Yes, there are people out there who have it worse, but that does not make this any less of a worrying situation.  To illustrate, I have lupus, and sometimes I'll hear "well at least it's not cancer!"  Does nothing but make me want to punch the person saying it. The fact that others have cancer does not make my worries about my health and future any less valid.  You have basically just told OP that her worries aren't valid because other parents do meth.  Really?

    OP - so sorry to hear everything that's happening :(  In these situations there's not a lot one can do except pray and stay close - not so close as to be burned if the situation blows up into something worse, but close enough that the child knows you are there for him/her, no matter what.  That's what this child is going to need most of all.
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    meg65 -- step away from the computer.

    OOT -- oh dear.  I like the idea of giving a bunch of smaller, practical gifts like diapers and bibs, etc. rather than a grand gift that then gets returned for cash.  That poor child.
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    Just an idea of a way to provide a crib without them being able to return it. You could buy one and personalize it. If you know the child's name you could get wood letters from a craft store, paint them, and glue them on the front of the crib. Or get stencils and stencil a pattern on the legs. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mind-if-i-vomit-on-this-page?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cdae1a7-8a6b-4d72-9596-5151a4204f21Post:82e5c774-689d-4275-ae50-4c11d0b60308">Re: Mind if I vomit on this page?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I s'pose I see worse things everyday at my job (at a family homeless shelter, fyi, where people disappear into the night because the cops finally caught up with them/they relapsed on meth/CPS took their kids/they beat the sh*t out of their spouse) so this just rubs me the wrong way- just smoking while pregnant? just  on welfare? What's the big deal? So yes, Megbo, I do actually think it is helpful when people put things in perspective. Isn't that the point of half these conversations on these boards? A reality check?  OP, like I said before, they need your support now. Feel free to "I told you so" if  they fail, but don't go into it with such a bad attitude, even if you don't support "living off welfare and reproducing without a brain."
    Posted by meg65[/QUOTE]

    <div>I would like to think that someone working at a shelter would have empathy, but based on everything you are saying, it seems you do not. </div><div>
    </div><div>What's the big deal is there is a child involved. And "just" smoking, are you serious? Teratogens can harm the baby. </div>
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    This situation would worry me too. These two people met in rehab and neither of them have ever had the responsibility of a job. The mother is clearly showing a continuing lack of care for her child by smoking while pregnant. She sees nothing wrong with this if she is writing about it on facebook for the world to see. Not smoking for 17 hours does not mean she is quitting now. She was on herroin and lost her first child and hasn't done anything to straighten out her life. Yes she went to rehab but we don't know if that was her choice or court ordered.
    OOT I understand how you feel and would feel the same way. Having a baby shower might seem to some like the family is condoning the way they are choosing to live. I would go to it in support of your sister and give that lil one a nice gift. I've never heard of WIC giving out diapers. I wish the best for your sister because that baby is going to need her. I hope that your nephew and his gf keep on the road to sobriety and someday soon get their lives on the right track.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mind-if-i-vomit-on-this-page?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cdae1a7-8a6b-4d72-9596-5151a4204f21Post:30a9f5f6-c035-4202-86f6-7831a4638bfc">Re: Mind if I vomit on this page?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just an idea of a way to provide a crib without them being able to return it. You could buy one and personalize it. If you know the child's name you could get wood letters from a craft store, paint them, and glue them on the front of the crib. Or get stencils and stencil a pattern on the legs. 
    Posted by ArynBaker[/QUOTE]

    I like this idea.  Or purchase it from a private seller or etsy, craigs list, or ebay perhaps? I think as a previous poster mentioned, if they receive WIC, then the baby's basic needs such as diapers and formula or covered.  It is just so sad that you have to worry about buying the baby things like clothes because they might get returned for cash. 

    As for CPS, what about calling them and notifying them that she is pregnant?  Or at least finding out what their practice is in cases like this.

    OOT, I wish I had better advice for you. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_mind-if-i-vomit-on-this-page?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5cdae1a7-8a6b-4d72-9596-5151a4204f21Post:549abee0-4a73-4a32-8742-67f04d43fa3d">Re: Mind if I vomit on this page?</a>:
    [QUOTE]meg65 -- step away from the computer. OOT -- oh dear.  I like the idea of giving a bunch of smaller, practical gifts like diapers and bibs, etc. rather than a grand gift that then gets returned for cash.  That poor child.
    Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

    Oh give it up Mica. You are absolutely insufferable and look for any reason to wave your "mod finger". Give it up already.

    Meg65 said absolutely nothing inflammatory, combative or even remotely confrontational.  All she did was not go along with the masses kissing OOT's cantankerous postings. That does not warrant a hand slap. What happened to "you can't tell someone how to post on an international message board!" Isn't that the E Party line?

    You are kind of like the over-eager micromanager that all the employees cannot stand. You're not that important. Really, you're not.
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    In Response to Re:Mind if I vomit on this page?:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Mind if I vomit on this page?:meg65 step away from the computer. OOT oh dear.nbsp; I like the idea of giving a bunch of smaller, practical gifts like diapers and bibs, etc. rather than a grand gift that then gets returned for cash.nbsp; That poor child.Posted by mica178Oh give it up Mica. You are absolutely insufferable and look for any reason to wave your "mod finger". Give it up already. Meg65 said absolutely nothing inflammatory, combative or even remotely confrontational.nbsp; All she did was not go along with the masses kissing OOT's cantankerous postings. That does not warrant a hand slap. What happened to "you can't tell someone how to post on an international message board!" Isn't that the E Party line? You are kind of like the overeagernbsp;micromanager that all the employees cannot stand.nbsp;You're not that important. Really, you're not. Posted by expiredbride[/QUOTE]

    Oh fuuck off. Meg65 was being obtuse and insensitive and we are calling her on it. Really it has nothing to do with sticking up for OOT, but rather for the poor kid that these people are bringing into this world and how she can support the child.
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    Smoking while pregnant may not be the worst thing in the world, but it's going to create problems, and not just for that child.

    My grandma smoked while pregnant. Both my dad and aunt have asthma. Two of my cousins and I have asthma. One of cousin's kids has asthma, and there are early warning signs on my other cousin's baby. Their spouses, my mom and my uncle come from families with no asthma history.

    My grandma chose to smoke while pregnant, and complicated the lives of 7 people who had no choice in the matter. When/if I have kids, at least one of them is going to get the short end of a really crappy stick.

    There are worse things, but sitting in a hospital while a 2 year old fights to breath is pretty high up there.

    OTT, I would notify CPS. They have resourses for expectant moms who smoke, as well as can point her in the direction of resources for a baby who was exposed to smoke. Fingers crossed the little mite can come out swinging.

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    I like the idea of not throwing a shower until after the baby is born and you're relatively sure that they'll maintain custody.  I can't even imagine how much pain they would be in if they have all this baby stuff given to them, and then the baby is taken away.  It would throw me into a horrible place for sure.

    Make sure CPS is aware that she's pregnant.  She could be going to check-ins in gigantic shirts to hide her bump.

    Go hug your sister.
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    edited March 2012
    we're sorta in the same situation with my cousins.  they're twins, neither went to collee (even though it would have been paid for, they just chose not to), neither really had a job (one worked at BK, for maybe a week?), and they both lived at home off my aunt and uncle.  because neither had anything better to do during the day, they each got their respective girlfriends pregnant.  one girl already had a child with another person, and did not have custody of said child.  my cousins were 18 at the time ('adults'), and when i met the girlfriend with now two kids, she said to me "oh you teach children?  I love kids!  i must anyway, that's why i keep having them!"  what an excellent reason.

    anyway, my mom, their aunt, felt bad for these children being born to morons and spent a lot of money on baby gifts and making them quilts when they were younger.  she didn't want them to go without at holidays because their parents chose not to work.  she never received any sort of thank you over the years.  my aunt and uncle were not in a situation to provide for these children either, other than give them a house to live in; in fact, my aunt even called CPS herself because she didn't think the children were being cared for properly.  now we're at the point where one twin may or may not have broken up with his GF and the other twin (whose GF had the two children) definitely broke up with her and she moved on, married someone else, and had yet ANOTHER baby.   she took his daughter to alabama somewhere, and now nobody sees her.  

    i tend to agree with previous posters that you should maybe hold off on any major purchases until you know how things may turn out.  but, i tend to be cynical.  you are right though in not faulting the baby; he/she had no choice in parents.  and I will also say that it is a step in the right direction that the mother is maybe quitting smoking? no real help here, just letting you know you're not the only one with family baby mama drama.

    **sorry, meant to say 'college' at the beginning.  and i apologize for lack of caps; i'm being lazy.
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