FMIL Guest List

s500783

My FI and I asked our parents to compile a list of "must invite" people since we are trying to keep the wedding under 75 people and are paying for the wedding by ourselves with a little help from my mom.  After lots of prodding, my FMIL emailed my FI a guest list.  There are about 15 people on the list that my FI and I agreed we would never invite if given the choice (FMIL random co-workers and friends that they haven't talked to in over 5 years mostly).  On top of that, she keeps adding people as she thinks of them!  We have expressed several times that we wanted the wedding to be on the small side.

Can I just cut the guest list without mentioning it to my FMIL or do I have to tell her that we are not inviting all the people she wants us to?

SirJuliusVonHaast

However you end up dividing the guest list, you should let her know. It could be pretty embarrassing if she starts talking to people as if they are invited or verbally invites them.

hbatchel2

If she's not paying then she has no say on guest list.

Make the list how you and your FI want it. If there are extra spots, decide on a number of people she can add and tell her thats how many people she can add and thats it.

Simply Fated

I would make the cuts and let her know. I would let her know because if she thinks they're invited, it'll be embarrassing for her.

How many people over your 75 limit does her list put you over by?

And try to comporimise. If her list only puts you over by a couple of people, try something like, "You haven't seen these people in X years, but your co-workers you see all the time, so how about we just invite the co-workers?"


Oh, and make sure your Fi does the talking.

"Mom, our guest list has been finalized. We can't add anymore people."

kmmssg

Don't just cut it without telling her.  She is going to be your FMIL for a very long time and secretly cutting her guests is passive aggressive.

Your FI needs to say, "Mom, we can only invite xx number of people from your list.  Who do you want them to be?"  If she balks HE needs to let her know that he will make the cuts if she doesn't.

Is FMIL helping to pay for the wedding?

krizzo17

I had a knot (no pun intended) in my stomach for weeks over this same issue. I finally told my fi he had to discuss it with his mother sooner rather than later (because she kept mentioning our wedding to people), and when he did, he just told her that we were envisioning a smaller wedding (100 people or fewer), and preferred to only invite those people who had an active role in our lives. Out of the 40 people we wanted to cut off her list, she decided only 3 of them were really important to have there, which we could certainly deal with.

Also, make up your mind in advance if you're willing to invite these people if she pays. We are also paying ourselves, and his mother's first response was that she would pay for those extra people - but we were more concerned about wanting a smaller wedding than the cost.

Write up her list in two categories, invited and not invited, and show it to her. Ask her if there's any switches that need to be made, but keep the emphasis on wanting a small wedding.

jelybeancg

This is exactly why we did not ask for a list from FILs. No one got x number of invites. FI & I made the list. All the people important to us will be invited.

It should also be said they aren't giving us one cent.

If I were you I would have your FI tell her who is invited and say that is it. If she is anything like my FMIL she will yell about it (mine is still after 6 months) but just stand firm.

rebarobert2012

Since she isn't paying, you and your fiance have the final say in the guest list.  Your fiance should talk to her about some of her guest choices and tell her that you don't want to add any more people.

Maggie0829

Hand her back her list and tell her that out of the X number of people she has listed she needs to narrow the list down to Y number of people to fit within your budget and overall guest list.

Since you and your FI are paying for the wedding you have final say over who or who not to invite.  Just make sure that if you do cut anyone from her list that you tell her before sending the invites.