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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Open bar, Religious parents. Mom talks about not coming.
Ugh. Okay, so let me start out by saying my parents are good people, but very religious and rigid about not only their lives, but mine. It annoys me greatly.
On to the problem: I'm having an open bar at my reception and living in sin (because I moved in with him 3 months before the wedding because I got a new job in the city he lives in). My mom is being an absolute nightmare. She told me that if my grandparents were alive (died before I was born) that they wouldn't have attended this wedding, and that she wouldn't have come to the wedding if they didn't. I told her that they're not alive, so she can't speak for them and that it would be pretty crappy of her not to attend my wedding. She said it was crappy of me to have an open bar because my family is religious. This was almost two weeks ago, and I am just really upset about her even alluding to the idea of skipping my wedding based on a mild reception with a little wine and beer. I love my mom. I really do, but at what point do you just say....this is my life. I am 25. I am not religious. So if you're so disgusted, then don't come. It's not like I am hitting the crack pipe, drop kicking babies, and diminishing humanity. I am living with my fiancé and supplying drinks at the wedding. Really, what is it about religion? How can what I do with MY LIFE be so important to her that she is totally okay with hurting and alienating me? So in summary...what is the etiquette advice? Not only on handling my mother, but handling an open bar with a (probably not present) religious family? Am I in the wrong here to have an open bar if it offends?
On to the problem: I'm having an open bar at my reception and living in sin (because I moved in with him 3 months before the wedding because I got a new job in the city he lives in). My mom is being an absolute nightmare. She told me that if my grandparents were alive (died before I was born) that they wouldn't have attended this wedding, and that she wouldn't have come to the wedding if they didn't. I told her that they're not alive, so she can't speak for them and that it would be pretty crappy of her not to attend my wedding. She said it was crappy of me to have an open bar because my family is religious. This was almost two weeks ago, and I am just really upset about her even alluding to the idea of skipping my wedding based on a mild reception with a little wine and beer. I love my mom. I really do, but at what point do you just say....this is my life. I am 25. I am not religious. So if you're so disgusted, then don't come. It's not like I am hitting the crack pipe, drop kicking babies, and diminishing humanity. I am living with my fiancé and supplying drinks at the wedding. Really, what is it about religion? How can what I do with MY LIFE be so important to her that she is totally okay with hurting and alienating me? So in summary...what is the etiquette advice? Not only on handling my mother, but handling an open bar with a (probably not present) religious family? Am I in the wrong here to have an open bar if it offends?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Open bar, Religious parents. Mom talks about not coming.
I think it's a pretty easy choice. Maybe you could have some non-alcoholic beverages available like raspberry lemonade and skip the bar. IMO, family is more important than booze.
[QUOTE]Ugh. Okay, so let me start out by saying my parents are good people, but very religious and rigid about not only their lives, but mine. It annoys me greatly. On to the problem: I'm having an open bar at my reception and living in sin (because I moved in with him 3 months before the wedding because I got a new job in the city he lives in). My mom is being an absolute nightmare. She told me that if my grandparents were alive (died before I was born) that they wouldn't have attended this wedding, and that she wouldn't have come to the wedding if they didn't. I told her that they're not alive, so she can't speak for them and that it would be pretty crappy of her not to attend my wedding. She said it was crappy of me to have an open bar because my family is religious. This was almost two weeks ago, and I am just really upset about her even alluding to the idea of skipping my wedding based on a mild reception with a little wine and beer. I love my mom. I really do, but at what point do you just say....this is my life. I am 25. I am not religious.<strong> So if you're so disgusted, then don't come. It's not like I am hitting the crack pipe, drop kicking babies, and diminishing humanity.</strong> I am living with my fiancé and supplying drinks at the wedding. Really, what is it about religion? How can what I do with MY LIFE be so important to her that she is totally okay with hurting and alienating me? So in summary...what is the etiquette advice? Not only on handling my mother, but handling an open bar with a (probably not present) religious family? Am I in the wrong here to have an open bar if it offends?
Posted by MissMandey[/QUOTE]
That bolded part made me giggle. :)
Unless they're paying for all or part of the reception, she can protest all she wants, but it's not her decision. I'd probably call her on it, and tell her if she doesn't want to attend the wedding, that's fine, but she would be making a decision to not be a part of your life. Personally, religion is about forgiveness, not about judging people to hell and back. Remind her that she is not God, and it isn't her place.
Well, I am religious, and I do drink, so there's that. Remind your mom that Jesus turned water into wine.
We kind of went through this with DH's family, but they weren't being as redic as your family is being. Remind them that just because there will be alcohol present doesn't mean they have to drink it. No one will be holding a gun to their heads and making them do keg stands. If they continue, call their bluff. Say "discussion on this topic is closed. So, how's work?" and if they say they aren't coming, say "that's really too bad. We'll miss you!" They will come around.
People who act like this have to learn that they can't control other's actions.
[QUOTE]What is more important to you? Having an open bar or having your family attend your wedding? I think it's a pretty easy choice. Maybe you could have some non-alcoholic beverages available like raspberry lemonade and skip the bar. IMO, family is more important than booze.
Posted by btrflykate1230[/QUOTE]
I don't think that's the point at all Kate. It's about her family being controlling of her adult life. I mean, would you happily whistle a tune if your mom did that? I can't imagine so.
Can you talk to her at all and help her to realize that drinking at a wedding is not bad, we are not going to go to hell for it or anything, it is when it is excessive, that it becomes a problem. If you don't mind me asking, what religion are they? I have know people like that, but I am religious as well, and we will be having a bar at our wedding (we can't afford an open bar, but I wish). Also, do you realize how expensive a tab an open bar can be assuming there are going to be drinking guests at your wedding. Just something to consider, esp if you are in the early planning stages. FI wanted one at first as well, and his Mom and I made him realize it wasn't feasible with our budget. Good luck
[QUOTE]Ugh. Okay, so let me start out by saying my parents are good people, but very religious and rigid about not only their lives, but mine. It annoys me greatly. On to the problem: I'm having an open bar at my reception and living in sin (because I moved in with him 3 months before the wedding because I got a new job in the city he lives in). My mom is being an absolute nightmare. She told me that if my grandparents were alive (died before I was born) that they wouldn't have attended this wedding, and that she wouldn't have come to the wedding if they didn't. I told her that they're not alive, so she can't speak for them and that it would be pretty crappy of her not to attend my wedding. She said it was crappy of me to have an open bar because my family is religious. This was almost two weeks ago, and I am just really upset about her even alluding to the idea of skipping my wedding based on a mild reception with a little wine and beer. I love my mom. I really do, but at what point do you just say....this is my life. I am 25. I am not religious. So if you're so disgusted, then don't come. It's not like I am hitting the crack pipe, drop kicking babies, and diminishing humanity. I am living with my fiancé and supplying drinks at the wedding. Really, what is it about religion? How can what I do with MY LIFE be so important to her that she is totally okay with hurting and alienating me? So in summary...what is the etiquette advice? Not only on handling my mother,<strong> but handling an open bar with a (probably not present) religious family?</strong> Am I in the wrong here to have an open bar if it offends?
Posted by MissMandey[/QUOTE]
^^ That's where I got the "whole family not attending" vibe from!
[QUOTE]Well, I am religious, and I do drink, so there's that. Remind your mom that Jesus turned water into wine.
Posted by goheels05[/QUOTE]
This. My dad is one of the most religious people I've ever known, and he drinks like a fish. The disciples drank wine all the time -- they didn't exactly have alternative beverages like juice and soda. I never understood why people use religion as an excuse to condemn liquor. In biblical times, people drank all the time.
And I think the whole "your deceased grandparents would never have come to this wedding since you're living in sin" thing is a pretty cruel and unnecessary, and possibly untrue, thing to say. My grandparents are pretty conservative as well, but times have changed, and while they weren't THRILLED with the "living in sin" idea when I told them we were doing it, they definitely realized that it was more practical than our living two states away and commuting to see each other every weekend, and they got over it. Maybe your grandparents wouldn't have, but your mother shouldn't really be projecting that, when the argument is a moot point anyway.
Books read in 2012: 21/50
i say just put your foot down and tell your mother that just because this is HER belief doesn't mean it should be forced on everyone. i highly doubt she would not go to your wedding, especially over alcohol.
yes another reason why i can't stand religion.
[QUOTE]I know what you're saying. I guess I always feel like I am bending over backwards to appease them. I couldn't do anything about it when I was 16, I didn't mind when I am 20...but I am getting a little old to be pushed around. I was just thinking the wedding could be one of those things that we did mine and FI's way. I know a lot of my extended family won't come because it is 2 hours away, and I don't really know them at all...so all I am concerned about is my own mother! I just can't get how a few cocktails can be such a big deal to her that hurting me seems reasonable. I guess it goes a lot deeper than just the wedding. I've done a lot of accomidating for their beliefs. I just want to know where their compromise is at...and why I have to fight so hard to live my life my way. For me, this is not an issue that is about money, and money has not been brought up by either party...but to explain the financial situation: I was enaged when I was somewhat younger. When I called it off, my parents gave me the money after college graduation before I was even engaged and told me that was what they had set aside for my wedding. <strong> I spend that money on furniture and a boob job (worked out a lot better for me than my previous fiance, lol) so that money is long gone, but they did give me a wedding fund, I guess.</strong> As far as booze being expensive, FI and I are doing okay on our budget.
Posted by MissMandey[/QUOTE]
Do they know this? Perhaps they harbor ill feelings for they way you spent your "wedding fund."
Even so, I don't think it give your mom the right, so to speak, to be throwing around ultimatums.
[QUOTE]<strong>So breast implants are okay but alcohol is not? Wow.</strong> I agree with everyone who said to call your mom out on it. I really can't imagine she wouldn't attend her daughters wedding. If you're paying for it, then just let her know that you are going to have alcohol at the reception to accommodate the guests who drink but you're quite sure that it won't get out of hand.
Posted by lovethebeach16[/QUOTE]
Not quite, but I got them anyways....maybe I don't bend over backwards for their beliefs as much as I think... :)
OP, the only reason I brought up money was that, if they were paying for the reception, then, you know, you kind of have to acceed to their wishes. But, since you're paying for it on your own, do what you want. I'm sorry, but if people are so high and mighty about their beliefs, I don't think I'd want them there anyway, to judge the entire thing.
[QUOTE]i'm going to guess that the family is mormon. that's the only religion i know of that says no alcohol. and they do try to push that on others in some cases. this happened with a friend. his sister turned morman (the whole family is catholic, no one knows where it came from) and when he got married she freaked and tried to make him have a dry wedding because her and her husband don't believe in drinking. she also pulled the whole not coming thing if he didn't. guess what? he didn't have a dry wedding, and his sister was not only there but her husband performed the ceremony. i say just put your foot down and tell your mother that just because this is HER belief doesn't mean it should be forced on everyone. i highly doubt she would not go to your wedding, especially over alcohol. yes another reason why i can't stand religion.
Posted by psichick[/QUOTE]
Some sects of Baptist churches are anti-alcohol, too. My DH's family is Southern Baptist and they don't believe in drinking or dancing, so my wedding was doubly heathen.
Also, it makes me sad that stuff like this makes people hate religion. Not all religious people are judgmental and condemning and expect everyone to conform to their ways. Sadly, the crazies are just the ones who get more press (Westboro Baptist, anyone?).
[QUOTE]I'm still wondering about this "wedding fund" thing. Do they know you spent the money? If not, they may think they are, in fact, funding your wedding still---which could be why they feel the need to insist upon no alcohol.
Posted by RachNRich[/QUOTE]
<font face="Consolas" size="3" color="#000000">I guess it is fuzzy. </font><a name="_MailAutoSig"></a><font size="3"><font color="#000000"><font face="Consolas">It was sort of a...that was a horrible messy breakup. You will probably not get married for a very long time. You're graduating and got a well paying job so when the time comes to marry you can afford it on your own, so here is some starter money/graduation gift. </font></font></font><span><font size="3"><font color="#000000"><font face="Consolas">
But it was the money they had set aside for my wedding. I guess the lines are blurry here....but they know it is gone, and they were right. I can now afford my own wedding. I am mulling over repaying the money they gave me, $6000. Just because after we pay for this wedding, I can afford to do it. </font></font></font></span><span><font face="Consolas" size="3" color="#000000">
</font></span><span><font size="3"><font color="#000000"><font face="Consolas">In case it changes anything, my wedding is well over $15 grand...so I would still be paying part of it. Fiance's parents gave us $7000, so if my parents have a say in whether or not there is booze, so do they. </font></font></font></span><span><font size="3"><font color="#000000"><font face="Consolas">
I just wish a gift was really a gift. I can't wait till I have children. They will know when something is a gift and when something is a conditional contribution...but as I mentioned, money has not once been brought up on this fight...so I hope this is not how my parents are reasoning this out in their minds... </font></font></font></span>
As for your mother, let her know that she is in now way expected to drink, but that beverages will be available for those who wish to consume them. Just like you wouldn't mandate that she become Catholic and attend the Catholic church, you won't impose a set of religious beliefs from your family onto your FIs family.
And then, stop talking about it. If she brings it up, just move on to a different subject. I'd guess, in the end, she will be there - she's just trying to guilt you into doing what she wants. My guess is she learned she couldn't bully you, and so guilt was her last "big" weapon. Don't be rude or confrontational about it, but I don't see any reason to need to bend to her will either.
Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
[QUOTE]Nah. If they know it's gone, and they haven't brought it up, then don't worry. Just have the bar and tell them to suck it up.
Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]
Ditto everything Amoro said.
I was just being nosey and wondering if they knew what had happened to the money they gave you---so, if they know and are on board with it, then it's really a moot point now.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Open bar, Religious parents. Mom talks about not coming. : Ditto everything Amoro said. <strong>I was just being nosey and wondering if they knew what had happened to the money they gave you</strong>---so, if they know and are on board with it, then it's really a moot point now.
Posted by RachNRich[/QUOTE]
LOL, well if you're being nosey, I'll be open....
Boob job: mom knows, doesn't like. Dad doesn't know and wouldn't like.
Furniture: they were on board with the furniture purchase. As cherry wood rarely, if ever, violates moral beliefs.
But if you're wondering...I prefer the boob job to my furniture. I'd keep the D's and sleep on a futon if needed.
Booze is proof that baby jesus loves. Well that and cake.
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[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Open bar, Religious parents. Mom talks about not coming. : LOL, well if you're being nosey, I'll be open.... Boob job: mom knows, doesn't like. Dad doesn't know and wouldn't like. Furniture: they were on board with the furniture purchase. <strong>As cherry wood rarely, if ever, violates moral beliefs.</strong> But if you're wondering...I prefer the boob job to my furniture. I'd keep the D's and sleep on a futon if needed.
Posted by MissMandey[/QUOTE]
Tell that to the sacred wood fairies! lol
yeah, and I can't imagine how your dad hasn't noticed the change. Also, I hope you stick around a bit. That's the second time you've made me laugh in one thread.
[QUOTE]i'm going to guess that the family is mormon. that's the only religion i know of that says no alcohol. and they do try to push that on others in some cases. this happened with a friend. his sister turned morman (the whole family is catholic, no one knows where it came from) and when he got married she freaked and tried to make him have a dry wedding because her and her husband don't believe in drinking. she also pulled the whole not coming thing if he didn't. guess what? he didn't have a dry wedding, and his sister was not only there but her husband performed the ceremony. i say just put your foot down and tell your mother that just because this is HER belief doesn't mean it should be forced on everyone. i highly doubt she would not go to your wedding, especially over alcohol. yes another reason why i can't stand religion.
Posted by psichick[/QUOTE]
Yet another reason I can't stand uninformed rants about religion. There are plenty of groups who shun all "mind-altering" substances as part of a slippery slope that leads to other sins.
Miss Mrs.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Open bar, Religious parents. Mom talks about not coming. : That made me laugh. How in the world have you hide a boob job from your dad? Are your parents separated or something? Sorry, I guess I'm being nosey too.
Posted by lovethebeach16[/QUOTE]
<font face="Consolas" size="3" color="#000000">My father is</font><a name="_MailAutoSig"></a><font color="#000000"><font face="Consolas"><font size="3"> a workaholic, so while they are still happily married, he is not around a lot.
They are not Mormon, for those who have mentioned it. They are church of Christ, and I do feel that I should mention that they really are good people. They are rigid when it comes to the "do nots" of religion, but they are likewise enthusiastic on the "dos"...such as serving the community, visiting the sick, caring for the poor...the whole 9 yards. </font><font size="3"><span> </span></font></font></font><span><font color="#000000"><font face="Consolas"><font size="3">
And about the surgery... the truth is... most people don't notice. I went from a B (padded to a C) to a D and because I don't really bring the girls out to play since the surgery. I don't know why really...I guess it draws too much attention, and I don't like it. Go figure, right? I would have put anything short of socks in my bra before the surgery for a little oomph. The plastic surgeon gives me the big guns, and I back down... such is life! Anyways, to further any nosiness here are before and after. Before: black shirt. After...show girl Halloween costume. Yes a showgirl, see?...I am super modest now... Yes, I am 25. Maybe it is time to put the Halloween thing to rest. And here is a pic of my placecards because I just finished them this weekend, my FI doesn't care about them, and I want to show someone.
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[QUOTE]FWIW, I don't think your parents are bad people because they don't want you to serve alcohol, I just think they're misguided in that regard. :)
Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]
<font color="#000000"><font face="Consolas"><font size="3">I know that. It is just that I love her and feel bad discussing her being redic to strangers...but I needed some perspective, which I got and am grateful for... Honestly, I lurk around these boards some and I see some of the cattiness that I think is so stupid, but FWIW some of this stuff has really helped me to understand the "dos" and "do nots" of weddings.
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Like, I almost got married last month by the JOP when I moved down here to appease my mom about my sin living...then would have had the "real" wedding this July. Didn't know that was bad etiquette. I would have probably put registry cards in invites because I didn't know it was rude and because almost every invite I have gotten has them. I probably would have done a honeymoon registry because FI and I have both lived on our own and don't need any stuff...but honeymoon money would have been a nice alternative. But then I came to TK, and I saw why it was in bad taste to do so. </font></font></font><font face="Consolas" size="3" color="#000000">
</font><font size="3"><font color="#000000"><font face="Consolas">Coming here just makes you really think about stuff that you might have done without even thinking, so I want to know if maybe I was in the wrong here. You girls rock. Even the mean ones, because the truth is the truth....and I am glad I know! </font></font></font>