Being a surrogate

RobotLegs

I was watching Oprah yesterday, and there was a 61-year old woman on who had just given birth to her own grandson.  She was a surrogate for her daughter who had been through several miscarriages and unsucessful IVF treatements.  I thought it was pretty amazing.

I've offered to be a surrogate for my sister, who lost a baby at 25 weeks and was told not to try again (she almost died herself).  I offered a few years ago, and she said she wanted me to have one of my own first.  So... I think the conversation could come up again in a year or two.

What do you guys think of surrogates?  Would you ever do it for someone?   A stranger or only someone you were really close to?

aleighk1

I've actually considered donating my eggs but I could never be a surrogate. I think if I had a baby in me for 9 months I'd be a little attached and I'd want to keep it!

FutureMrsTR

I would probably only do it for someone I was close to.  I've never been pregnant so I don't know how it feels or how I particularly would feel, but I don't know if that's a 9 month sacrifice I want to make for a total stranger.

RobotLegs

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't do it for anyone but my sister, because the child would still be in my life.  And I know my sister wants a baby more than anything in the world.

missy68

I offered to be one for my brother and sister in law.  However, after the fact, I discovered you have to have had a successful pregnancy of your own to be a surrogate for someone else, so I would not have been a candidate anyway.

But I would have done it. I'm not sure I could love my nephews much more if they were my own. Folks have a lot of people to go through to mess with them.

midgetthemighty

Personally, I am torn on the kids issue. I really want them, like my own, but I'm scared to death of physically having them. Not the biggest fan of needles, doctors, or hospitals, and all of those are involved with delivery and being pregnant in general. For this reason, I'll be lucky enough to have my and future husbands children let alone someone else's. I think it's great when someone is a surrogate for someone (either friend, family or stranger), I just don't think it is something that I could handle.

I also saw the commercial for that Oprah and was amazed that she was able to do that at her age. Had to be very risky, but it all turned out okay!

maratea

I would do it for someone I know because there's a little part of me that wants to be pregnant but I don't want to actually raise a kid. I just want to be a cute pregnant lady (which probably wouldn't actually happen, I'd be the gross fat pregnant lady).

annakb8

I might be able to do it for my sister or something, like MilkDuds said, it would depend on how much I liked being pregnant. I don't think I could ever do it for a stranger.

Also, I think if I were in a situation where I had tried IVF multiple times without being able to carry a baby to term like the woman on Oprah I would adopt instead of seek out a surrogate.

musicalsunlight

That is a really amazing thing you offered your sister, kikibot. I think I would be in the same boat as you, where it would have to be someone very close to me that I would still see the child, in case I did get attached to it while carrying the baby.

[Deleted User]

I would never do it. I think going to such extreme measures to produce a kid in such an overpopulated world is...something I don't agree with.

I also foresee more legal issues popping up as this becomes more common.
http://jezebel.com/#!5791134/couple-told-to-pay-child-support-after-surrogate-decides-to-keep-baby

achiduck

I think surrogacy is a wonderful gift to give someone. I don't think I'd be strong enough to carry the child for nine months, feel it move, etc and then have to give it up.

As OP pointed out, it might be easier to do it for a family member or a close friend since you'd still have semi-regular interaction with the child.

RobotLegs

I saw that story, Daff.  Yet another reason I'd only do it for my family.

midgetthemighty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-surrogate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6aeaab07-d495-44e8-9706-6d9df1873e09Post:7f949375-94a9-49cf-a2e7-247cd7ec9acc">Re: Being a surrogate</a>:
[QUOTE]I would never do it. I think going to such extreme measures to produce a kid in such an overpopulated world is...something I don't agree with. I also foresee more legal issues popping up as this becomes more common. <a href="http://jezebel.com/#" rel='nofollow'>http://jezebel.com/#</a> !5791134/couple-told-to-pay-child-support-after-surrogate-decides-to-keep-baby
Posted by daffodil_jill[/QUOTE]

That story is terrible! I can't imagine doing that to someone!

waltzingmatilda13

I would do it for my sister, but that's it. And I actually considered it before she was able to have her first child. She was in a really bad accident in college and broke her pelvic bone in 5 places, so the doctors weren't sure she'd be able to carry a baby to term. I felt awful for her and had a conversation with myself about whether I would do it or not. I finally decided that if she ever got to that point and asked me, I would totally do it for her. Luckily she was able to carry her baby to term and it became a non-issue.

J&K10910

I would never do it, but I also don't want any children of my own, so that probably skews things a little.  I'm iffy on how I feel about surrogacy in general, but I do think that being willing to do it for someone else is pretty amazing.

baystateapple

I have so much respect for the women who choose to be surrogates.  I don't think I could do it, especially not for someone I would never know.  I would get too attached to the baby I was carrying.  If my sister asked me to be a surrogate, I think I would do it, because a) she's my sister and b) I would still be able to be a part of the baby's life.

I think if you chose to do that for your sister, it would be a beautiful thing, Kiki.

FutureMrsTR

Are surrogacy agreements binding in the US?  I mean, it's just dumb to do something so serious and expensive (monitarily and emotionally) like that without a contract.

waltzingmatilda13

That story is awful Daff. I can't imagine how someone could do that to a couple.

RobotLegs

I think the weirdest part would be explaining to people.  Like, at work.  "Oh, I'm pregnant again!  But um... it's my BIL's baby.  lol!"  hahaha

Ok, nevermind, that would be FUN.

FutureMrsTR

And for my second Friends reference of the morning...

"My sister's having my baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

waltzingmatilda13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-surrogate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6aeaab07-d495-44e8-9706-6d9df1873e09Post:b0c45900-aa19-4951-ae37-ce955932760b">Re: Being a surrogate</a>:
[QUOTE]And for my second Friends reference of the morning... "My sister's having my baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

I was just thinking about Phoebe saying "I'm having my brother's baby". That episode was just on the other day.

mandapanda78

I thought your sister had a baby, kikibot?

I wouldn't do it. I'm hating being pregnant so much I'm not even sure I want to go through this again for myself.

RobotLegs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-surrogate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6aeaab07-d495-44e8-9706-6d9df1873e09Post:759c5fa3-b1e8-4683-b293-94fc809df46a">Re: Being a surrogate</a>:
[QUOTE]I thought your sister had a baby, kikibot? I wouldn't do it. I'm hating being pregnant so much I'm not even sure I want to go through this again for myself.
Posted by mandapanda78[/QUOTE]

Nope, no babies in my family.  My SIL has one, though, so maybe that's what you're thinking of? 

You're just hating it cause you're still in 1st Tri.  It gets better, promise!!

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-surrogate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6aeaab07-d495-44e8-9706-6d9df1873e09Post:0dfd6cea-6862-46a3-85a6-cd36a835a1b9">Re: Being a surrogate</a>:
[QUOTE]Are surrogacy agreements binding in the US?  I mean, it's just dumb to do something so serious and expensive (monitarily and emotionally) like that without a contract.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

I think generally, no.  Binding surrogacy agreements tread too much into baby-selling  territory from a policy perspective. 

mandapanda78

Yes, that splains my confusions.
I keep hearing 2nd tri is better. How do you think I felt yesterday when they set me back a week? :

nurse.misty

When I was single I offered for a friend before, and also my sister. My sis probably would have taken me up on it if their IVF didn't work, but luckily it worked and she's actually due next week. I brought it up in casual conversation with FI before and he was adament he would never want me to do that with him. He wouldn't be able to handle me being pregnant for 40 weeks and him getting close to the baby and then having to give it away, which I understand.

achiduck

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-surrogate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6aeaab07-d495-44e8-9706-6d9df1873e09Post:e1c640bf-37fd-4d02-b5a7-1f83676fc07c">Re: Being a surrogate</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Being a surrogate : I was just thinking about Phoebe saying "I'm having my brother's baby". That episode was just on the other day.
Posted by waltzingmatilda13[/QUOTE]

I saw the episode where Mike and Pheobe give up the rats and ends up talking about the triplets. Hilarious!

Pheobe: it's just so hard for me because it reminds me of when I had my brothers triplets and had to give them up

Mike: Stunned silence

Pheobe: Haven't told you about that, have I?

RobotLegs

Poor Manda! 

Misty, your FI's feelings are understandable.  I mentioned it to my H waaaay back, before we were even engaged, but I haven't brought it up again since.  I think he'd be ok with it... maybe not thrilled, but ok. 

specialk84

When I took bioethics law last year, we spent tons of time covering surrogacy.  While you can't make a contract for the baby (you can't sell or barter a human), the courts now generally take several things into consideration when a custody disagreement comes up.

The big thing they consider is who had the intent to have the child.  If a couple actively pursued surrogacy, then decided at the last minute they didn't want the baby, they can be held liable for child support, etc.  If the surrogate doesn't want to give up the baby, the same principle applies: she didn't have the intent to have a biological child, so the parents would get custody.

It's complicated, and the above examples are not set in stone.  Different courts use different logic, but this has been the prevailing trend in recent years.

FutureMrsTR

For people saying they're afraid that they or their H/FI/SO would get attached to the baby, I think that if you were going into the entire process knowing what the outcome would be that you would get less attached.  At least, that's what I've heard from women who have done surrogacy.

Calypso1977

i would not it becuase of my religious beliefs.

but i think that even if i did not have religious beliefs, logistically i would not do it either for some of the reasons others listed (legal issues, attachment to a child i couldnt keep, etc.)