Being a surrogate

RobotLegs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-surrogate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6aeaab07-d495-44e8-9706-6d9df1873e09Post:f256cd7c-7695-4c9e-9c35-fc38b93476db">Re: Being a surrogate</a>:
[QUOTE]For people saying they're afraid that they or their H/FI/SO would get attached to the baby, I think that if you were going into the entire process knowing what the outcome would be that you would get less attached.  At least, that's what I've heard from women who have done surrogacy.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I think that's key.  Knowing from the outset that's it's NOT your baby.  it would be hard, but you'd have to sort of seperate yourself in a weird way.

Mrs.B6302007

I think it's an incredible gift.

IDK if I could do it, though.

nurse.misty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-surrogate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6aeaab07-d495-44e8-9706-6d9df1873e09Post:f256cd7c-7695-4c9e-9c35-fc38b93476db">Re: Being a surrogate</a>:
[QUOTE]For people saying they're afraid that they or their H/FI/SO would get attached to the baby, I think that if you were going into the entire process knowing what the outcome would be that you would get less attached.  At least, that's what I've heard from women who have done surrogacy.
Posted by FutureMrsTR[/QUOTE]

I've never wanted children of my own, so I have no worries about getting attached. FI does want more children though, so the fact that I would be having a baby and not keeping it would get to him. I think if you really want children, it would be harder to separate yourself from the pregnancy even knowing it's a surrogate. If it really came down to me being my sister's only option I would probably push it a little more, but since the IVF worked I wouldn't consider doing it anymore and putting him through that.

[Deleted User]

I don't think I could ever do it. Party due to religious beliefs, partly due to the idea of it creeps me out. I think I would rather encourage someone to adopt.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I don't know. I might change my mind later, but I've iffy about IVF in general (which is basically what would happen with surrogacy, right?) and I have a feeling that being pregnant will be my least favorite part of parenthood. I'm not looking forward to actually being pregnant. But we'll see.

Karen's MOH

In regards to that article someone posted, I'm 99% sure that almost all of the time, they use a donor egg or the soon-to-be mother's egg, not the surrogate's egg. It gets WAY too confusing in those cases.

Also, when it is a stranger who is acting as surrogate, they usually get paid a pretty healthy sum (as they should, I think). I just read an article somewhere about how a lot of military wives do it to make some extra money while their husbands are deployed, but it's a controversial thing. And different states have different laws-- in some, you cannot get paid for it, even in reimbursements for related costs.

All that said, I could never for a stranger, though I think it's a beautiful thing to do. I'm not sure if I could for a sister-- I would definitely encourage adoption first. And if it was me, I'd go for adoption over finding a surrogate as well.

waltzingmatilda13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-surrogate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6aeaab07-d495-44e8-9706-6d9df1873e09Post:42e9f03f-74eb-445a-86ba-362d5cfa8790">Re: Being a surrogate</a>:
[QUOTE]In regards to that article someone posted, I'm 99% sure that almost all of the time, they use a donor egg or the soon-to-be mother's egg, not the surrogate's egg. It gets WAY too confusing in those cases. Also, when it is a stranger who is acting as surrogate, they usually get paid a pretty healthy sum (as they should, I think).<strong> I just read an article somewhere about how a lot of military wives do it to make some extra money while their husbands are deployed, but it's a controversial thing. </strong>And different states have different laws-- in some, you cannot get paid for it, even in reimbursements for related costs. All that said, I could never for a stranger, though I think it's a beautiful thing to do. I'm not sure if I could for a sister-- I would definitely encourage adoption first. And if it was me, I'd go for adoption over finding a surrogate as well.
Posted by Karen's MOH[/QUOTE]

I was going to bring this up, but it seemed like a separate issue. The reason it's so controversial is because the military and their dependents (including spouses) get medical care that is paid for by the government. So all of our tax dollars are paying for the pre-natal care of a child who is not a dependent and the spouse pockets all the money from the donors that should go to pay for those services. I don't think it's right and I think something needs to be done to stop it, because it basically amounts to fraud.

Moneypenny424

I wouldn't be a surrogate.  I guess if I had a sister, I'd maybe consider it, but since my brothers already have kids, it isn't an issue.  They wouldn't have asked me, they would have adopted instead.

Kiki, I also think it is a wonderful thing to do for a sister and commend you for it.

For people doing it for strangers, I don't get it.  At some point, you have to recognize that you can't birth a child of your own.  I know that must be unbearably difficult, but there are children around the world who need homes.

jemmini6

I couldn't do it for a complete stranger, it'd have to be for one of my sisters and they both already have children, so it's not like I'll need to.  My oldest sister said she would do it for us if we couldn't get pregnant, but I honestly think I'd rather adopt than to go through surrogacy, or even IVF. 

barbie92

Kiki- you are an amazing person and sister.
I do not think I could do it.

My mom wanted lots of kids but due to complications she lost the twins she was pregnant with after me. Our neighbor seriously offered to be a surrogate for my mom because she had such easy pregnancies. My mom did not take her up on it, but people like you (kiki) and my neighbor are such good people.

RobotLegs

Just for the record and what-not, my sister and BIL are fully open to adopting.  They never brought up surrogacy, I did.  Their current plan is to adopt when they finish school (sister is in law school, BIL is finishing PhD).

tidetravel

I would do it for a close friend or family member (of course, I've had 2 of the easiest pregnancies ever).  When strangers/money gets involved, I think it gets dicey.  There was an episode of Private Practice where the mother was a surrogate to a couple.  Mother was having complications w/ the pregnancy (I think she was in a coma at one point?); the husband wanted them to deliver the babies early due to his wife's health, and the couple wanted the unconscious mom to be an incubator until term.  I know it's just a show, but I'm sure stuff like that happens.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-surrogate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6aeaab07-d495-44e8-9706-6d9df1873e09Post:db6076e4-685e-414f-916a-4c00b21021dc">Re: Being a surrogate</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't be a surrogate.  I guess if I had a sister, I'd maybe consider it, but since my brothers already have kids, it isn't an issue.  They wouldn't have asked me, they would have adopted instead. Kiki, I also think it is a wonderful thing to do for a sister and commend you for it. For people doing it for strangers, I don't get it.  At some point, you have to recognize that you can't birth a child of your own.  I know that must be unbearably difficult, but there are children around the world who need homes.
Posted by Moneypenny424[/QUOTE]

I have similar feelings. I'm all for people completing their families in whatever way they see fit, but personally, I can't see wanting to go through so much medically/scientifically for that. So what? So I can have a kid who matches me on a genetic level? I just don't care about that so much. If my body can't support a pregnancy, so be it. We'll look into adoption. If that doesn't pan out, it is what it is.

mica178

I'm way too selfish to be a surrogate.  I'm freaked out enough about possible body changes if I decide to have kids of my own, I can't imagine making that sacrifice for someone else.  (Also, it's against my religious beliefs to participate in IVF.)

barbie92

So...The people who said they wouldn't because of religious beliefs I am genuinely curious...why?

RobotLegs

Can someone explain the religious objections to it? 

RobotLegs

Jinx, barbie

TTiger03

Before my sister was married she asked me in front of her MIL if I would be a surrogate if she needed one.  When I said no both she and her MIL were horrified that I said no.  Her MIL said "If I hadn't had a hysterectomy I would do it." -- She just really wants a grandkid.

My mom understood.  We are twins.  We have fought over everything our entire lives in a "that's mine" fashion.  Even if I knew ahead of time that it would be hers I couldn't do it.  I know I would be watching her raise the baby and be upset that she wasn't doing it "right".  As is, my sister and her husband are incredibly selfish people and I don't know how they would raise their child if she does have one. 

-My sister brought it up not because she was told she would have difficulty or couldn't have one.  She just assumes that she might have trouble since she didn't hit puberty until very late and only assisted by BCPs.  She isn't even ready to have a kid. 

Birdie1483

I"m not Catholic, but I would guess it would have something to do with going against God to create a baby. Like how they don't use birth control because it stands in the way of God's will? I guess if God wants them to have a baby, he'll make it happen. If he doesn't, he'll make that happen as well and I think they believe they shouldn't stand in his way.

missy68

Kiki - I know had my SIL gotten pregnant via IVF, even though it would have been genetically their child, because she was employed at a Catholic hospital, they would not have covered her pregnancy insurance-wise.
She no longer works for them.

FTR - as most folks know, my nephews ARE adopted.

mica178

The straightforward, easy answer to the religion question is that Catholics believe that with sex, we must welcome the possibility of children, and with children, we should bring them forth by sex.  So that's why birth control is a no no in Catholicism (sex without the likelihood of pregnancy) and why IVF is off-limits too -- fertilization/conception happens outside of the marital embrace.

DNAtime

I know I am a little tardy, but..... I just wanted to add because I have a friend consideringa surrogate. 

My friend and his partner had arranged and adoption, signed all the paper work, the whole 9 yards.  The birth mom gave birth, and then backed out and kept the baby.  The adoption agency wouldn't help them find another baby since they are a same sex couple they needed to be requested.

Anyway, I ran into them at a baseball game and they were there with a friend who might surrogate for them. 

I don't blame them for not wanting to try adoption again.  And they REALLY want a baby and obviously can't make one on their own.

I think it depends on the situation, I might be able to do it for my sister or like best friend.  I think surrogacy makes a great gift possible for a lot of loving potential parents.  So if you can stand to do it, do it.

Birdie1483

I love the term marital embrace.

mica178

Sorry Birdie.  I couldn't think of a better term.  Conjugal sex?

missy68

Humpty hump?

Birdie1483

No I like it because it's so romantic! I think I'm going to use it on FI tonight.









Man I hope my FMIL doesn't read this

RobotLegs

Mica, I remember now an argument on the CW board about this.  Aren't some people also really upset at the idea that with IVF, some embryos could be discarded, therefore sort of 'aborting' them? 

[Deleted User]

Mica, you said that beautifully.

barbie92

Mica- That was my guess but I wasn't sure. Thanks for explaining it

laurenclaire1386

I'm with Daff. I couldn't do it for somebody else because I'm idealogically opposed to it. I'm not entirely sure I even want to add another kid to the planet for myself, let alone do it for someone else.