How do you deal with inviting your "B" list wedding guests?

bummedbridezilla

I'm doing some research and I was curious how others deal with their "B" list invites. You know the people you invite to fill up the spots that the "A" list couldn't.

How do you do it with out hurting someone's feelings?

azdancer8

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-you-deal-with-inviting-your-b-list-wedding-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d49b6e1-810e-4807-a85a-754ab70e0e9fPost:51720949-1d72-498a-9b95-46d9fb588351">How do you deal with inviting your "B" list wedding guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm doing some research and I was curious how others deal with their "B" list invites. You know the people you invite to fill up the spots that the "A" list couldn't. How do you do it with out hurting someone's feelings?
Posted by bummedbridezilla[/QUOTE]

<div>Umm, you don't. You shouldn't even have a B-list. It's considered very poor etiquette. People will find out that they weren't good enough to make the first cut, and yeah, their feelings will be hurt. You can't get around that.</div>

RebeccaB88

You do it by not B-listing anyone.  It's incredibly rude, mean, and for most people, a friendship ending move.

Anyone want popcorn?

samantha24p

Please don't B-list. It hurts worse then not getting invited. I know from experience.

bummedbridezilla

So no one you guys know has sent out invites after they became aware their family or very close friends couldn't make it?

DramaGeek

Bummed, nope.  No one I know sent invitations to second rate guests.  People either need to be invited or not.  If they can't make it, then you have extra room at your wedding.

samantha24p

I was the B list guest and it bothered me so I didn't go. Felt like she just wanted a spot to be filled and a gift.

swtpinkldy

Hmmm I invited many people way after invites went out and they knew it and they were THRILLED to be invited. Anyone that truly cares about you and not just their feelings getting hurt will be happy either way. I also was a B lister once and we were so honored to be invited cuz we know how hard it is and expensive weddings are. Hopefully your blisters will be mature enough to understand.

bummedbridezilla

Swtpinkldy - You are so right! I don't think it is a rude thing. I mean, no one wants to be second, but sometimes the bride and groom have to invite family over their friends. 

and to everyone else - What if you are having a smaller wedding, do you really want a bunch of empty chairs?

Avion22

We invited 125 and only had 80 attend.  Everyone was out of town, so we understood why they declined.   Were there more people we would have potentially invited to "fill seats"?  Yes.  But we thought that sending someone an invitation to an OOT wedding 3 weeks out was really obvious B-listing, and didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  Having fewer guests put us WAY under budget, and we still had an amazing time with the people who were able to attend.

I've been B-listed a few times, and have always declined.  I really don't want to be someone's "seat filler."

samantha24p

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-you-deal-with-inviting-your-b-list-wedding-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d49b6e1-810e-4807-a85a-754ab70e0e9fPost:9c1885c9-ec3c-4fa1-8487-563db3cc0c45">Re: How do you deal with inviting your "B" list wedding guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]We invited 125 and only had 80 attend.  Everyone was out of town, so we understood why they declined.   Were there more people we would have potentially invited to "fill seats"?  Yes.  But we thought that sending someone an invitation to an OOT wedding 3 weeks out was really obvious B-listing, and didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  Having fewer guests put us WAY under budget, and we still had an amazing time with the people who were able to attend. I've been B-listed a few times, and have always declined.  I really don't want to be someone's "seat filler."
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]



Yes I agree

bummedbridezilla

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-you-deal-with-inviting-your-b-list-wedding-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d49b6e1-810e-4807-a85a-754ab70e0e9fPost:9c1885c9-ec3c-4fa1-8487-563db3cc0c45">Re: How do you deal with inviting your "B" list wedding guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]We invited 125 and only had 80 attend.  Everyone was out of town, so we understood why they declined.   Were there more people we would have potentially invited to "fill seats"?  Yes.  But we thought that sending someone an invitation to an OOT wedding 3 weeks out was really obvious B-listing, and didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  Having fewer guests put us WAY under budget, and we still had an amazing time with the people who were able to attend. I've been B-listed a few times, and have always declined.  I really don't want to be someone's "seat filler."
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

<div>(bare with me on this replying. I'm not sure how it works, so I hope it just posts in the forum. Sorry if it doesn't work correctly)</div><div>
</div><div>80 people is still a good number. What about the girls who only invited 50? Not having so many show up would be devastating. The bride and groom have to invite their family and super close friends FIRST. So a "B" lister may be filling their spot. I don't really think they should be offended. They should understand. Obviously if someone is "B" listed they aren't your best friend to begin with. You are right about the OOT wedding tho, it would probably be very hard for them to make the arrangements. I'm just speaking in general...</div><div>If you are having an OOT wedding it would be a good idea to send those invites out early so you could have the desired amount at your wedding!</div>

MoonlightSilver

We invited 145 and only 75 attended. EVERYONE who I wanted to be there was invited the first (and only) time I sent out invitations. If you really wanted them there, you'd invite them with your A (and only) list. 

Your friend's feelings will be hurt when they learn that you didn't actually want them at the wedding, you just need them to fill empty seats. 

This is why you make a budget, then a guest list, and then figure out what you can afford to host for the people you want to attend. 

KellyBrian2013

B lists are rude. They make the bride and groom look as though they only care about gifts, not about the feelings of their guests... I've been "B listed" before, and I still resent the couple for it. In fact, I no longer speak with the groom who used to be a very good friend of mine. Just because it's your wedding day does not give you carte blanche to be rude to your friends and family. People who are on the B list may tell you that they're excited or happy to be invited, but in reality, they're just being nice; guaranteed they are talking poorly about the bride and groom who only cared enough to invite them when other people declined.

M1ssJ

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-you-deal-with-inviting-your-b-list-wedding-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d49b6e1-810e-4807-a85a-754ab70e0e9fPost:da043be4-8ebb-455c-bc0a-70e6a160c004">Re: How do you deal with inviting your "B" list wedding guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]So no one you guys know has sent out invites after they became aware their family or very close friends couldn't make it?
Posted by bummedbridezilla[/QUOTE]

<div>I did it. I had 20 of my invitations printed with a second RSVP date. I had to invite all 15 aunts and uncles and 40 odd first cousins even though I knew about 1/3 couldnt make it. Once i got a firm no from those family members I was able to invite the friends I really wanted. </div><div>
</div><div>Do not separate circles. IE all college friends should have the same deadline. Everyone on the board will tell you it's rude. I wanted to include these friends but I had to invite my family first.  They were fine with it.</div><div>
</div><div>HTH</div>

Avion22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-you-deal-with-inviting-your-b-list-wedding-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d49b6e1-810e-4807-a85a-754ab70e0e9fPost:9af7574a-3374-4db4-9a9f-f32f03cf9535">Re: How do you deal with inviting your "B" list wedding guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How do you deal with inviting your "B" list wedding guests? : (bare with me on this replying. I'm not sure how it works, so I hope it just posts in the forum. Sorry if it doesn't work correctly) 80 people is still a good number. What about the girls who only invited 50? Not having so many show up would be devastating. The bride and groom have to invite their family and super close friends FIRST. So a "B" lister may be filling their spot. I don't really think they should be offended.<strong> They should understand. </strong>Obviously if someone is "B" listed they aren't your best friend to begin with. You are right about the OOT wedding tho, it would probably be very hard for them to make the arrangements. I'm just speaking in general... If you are having an OOT wedding it would be a good idea to send those invites out early so you could have the desired amount at your wedding!
Posted by bummedbridezilla[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>They should understand that the bride and groom don't care about them enough to invite them the first time and only want a gift?  Look, adults understand about wedding budgets.  If I'm not invited to a wedding, I understand that it's because the couple wants a smaller/intimate affair, or they have a small budget, or that we are just not close enough for me to be at their wedding.  I get that.   I would rather not be invited at all than be B-listed.   I'm not a seat filler.</div><div>
</div><div>My advice to people who want smaller weddings is to consult your really important guests first on dates that work for them.  Be sensible about holiday weekends and people's time off from work.  Send out save-the-dates 6-9 months out to give people a chance to budget for travel, or mark it on their calendar in advance.    Then accept the fact that an invitation is not a summons and understand if people decide they are unable to attend.</div><div>
</div><div>It's not a bride and groom's RIGHT to have people attend their wedding.  It shouldn't be "devastating" to have a smaller crowd.   </div><div>
</div><div>Edited for typos.</div>

DramaGeek

If you can't afford to invite everyone you want, change some things about your budget.  Go from a full meal to cake and punch.  If you're not willing to do that, it tells me food is more important than those guests...in which case, yes, it would be insulting to them to be B listed.

Lisa50

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-you-deal-with-inviting-your-b-list-wedding-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d49b6e1-810e-4807-a85a-754ab70e0e9fPost:da043be4-8ebb-455c-bc0a-70e6a160c004">Re: How do you deal with inviting your "B" list wedding guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]So no one you guys know has sent out invites after they became aware their family or very close friends couldn't make it?
Posted by bummedbridezilla[/QUOTE]

Yup, I was invited, by a former co-worker, to her wedding.  Paraphrasing, the conversation (about a week before the wedding) went something like this: "Hey!  We have some empty seats.  Some of my stupid relatives changed their minds at the last minute so you're welcome to come to the wedding."  I smiled, said "No, thanks!  We have other plans.  Have fun." and walked away.

QueerFemme

Don't blist. Don't do a seperate set of rsvp cards with a later date on it. People DO find out that they were blisted and their feelings DO get hurt. They may not say anything to you about their hurt feelings, but it doesn't change that you were rude to your friends. People SHOULD understand that you are on a budget and cannot invite everyone you know. People should NOT ever be told that they are second rate and just a seat filler. Blisting is telling your friends that their relationship with you isnt that important. Its rude.

kmmssg

Please don't b list.  People will tell a bride or groom straight to their face something dreadful is a good idea when it isn't so they don't hurt their feelings.

You invite whom you can afford to invite.  Whomever can attend - great!  Those who can't will have a good reason (usually).   Why should it be devastating if a lot of guests can't attend?  You party with those who are there and move along like an adult.  As Avion said, it isn't a couples right to have a full wedding.  The amount of people who can attend isn't what makes the day.  It is how the couple handle it that does.

Please, do not B list.  People do talk about it being poor form, even if they accept.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-you-deal-with-inviting-your-b-list-wedding-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d49b6e1-810e-4807-a85a-754ab70e0e9fPost:da043be4-8ebb-455c-bc0a-70e6a160c004">Re: How do you deal with inviting your "B" list wedding guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]So no one you guys know has sent out invites after they became aware their family or very close friends couldn't make it?
Posted by bummedbridezilla[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>We didn't.  We invited everyone we wanted the first time around.</div><div>
</div><div>I do not get the concept of seat fillers.</div>

NOLAbridealmost

Look, OP, it's one thing if 20 or so relatives tell you way before the invitations go out that they're definitely not going to be able to make it and then you invite 20 additional people when you do eventually send out invitations. That's not B-listing and isn't rude.  The additional people would never know they weren't originally going to be on the list. 

What is not okay, is sending out your invitations at a reasonable time (which is 6-8 weeks), and then sending out another round of invitations as the date gets closer (3-4 weeks) when you get declines.  That's B listing and it's incredibly obvious to the people who receive the invitations that they were B-listed and it is very hurtful and very rude.  It's also not okay to send out the first round of invitations way early to make time to invite B-listers because it's rude to expect people to give you a definite answer so far in advance of the wedding and it's obvious to the A-listers that there is going to be a B-list....so while they might not have hurt feelings, they'll know that the bride and groom are being rude. 

What you can do, is invite truly single guests without a plus-1 and then extend plus-1s to them if other guests decline.  That's not rude.  The single guests will appreciate the courtesy, the date won't be hurt, and you'll still have your seats filled. 

wrigleyville

I won't be "devastated" if we only have 2/3 of the guest list there, and we're having a small-ish wedding. If some people can't make it, we'll use that money for other things, like upgrades on the appetizers or a better bar package.

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-you-deal-with-inviting-your-b-list-wedding-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d49b6e1-810e-4807-a85a-754ab70e0e9fPost:a58db857-6191-4077-ad2b-75a0e3d22cbf">Re:How do you deal with inviting your quot;Bquot; list wedding guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hmmm I invited many people way after invites went out and they knew it and they were THRILLED to be invited. Anyone that truly cares about you and not just their feelings getting hurt will be happy either way. I also was a B lister once and we were so honored to be invited cuz we know how hard it is and expensive weddings are. Hopefully your blisters will be mature enough to understand.
Posted by swtpinkldy[/QUOTE]

1. I think you should learn some etiquette before you post on the etiquette board.

2. The reasoning of "hopefully your b listers will be mature enough to understand" is just offensive.  B listing is rude.  Plain and simple.  If you are going to do something rude and people get upset, it's on YOU not THEM.  "We're not serving food!  Our close friends and family will understand."  "We aren't having seating!  Or close friends and family will understand."  "We're making everyone drive for seven hours in circles!  Our close friends and family will understand."

To be blunt, no - they will not understand.  Having a wedding does not give you carte blanche to ignore people's feelings.  You are hosting a party and the comfort of your guests comes first.  If this is a foreign concept to you, please pick up a book or read these boards to understand why before you start posting nonsense "advice" that is more hurtful than helpful.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-you-deal-with-inviting-your-b-list-wedding-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d49b6e1-810e-4807-a85a-754ab70e0e9fPost:cf18d673-4d11-4bbc-8104-6a5165facac0">Re: How do you deal with inviting your "B" list wedding guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]Swtpinkldy - You are so right! I don't think it is a rude thing. I mean, no one wants to be second, but sometimes the bride and groom have to invite family over their friends.  and to everyone else<strong> - What if you are having a smaller wedding, do you really want a bunch of empty chairs?</strong>
Posted by bummedbridezilla[/QUOTE]

I do not understand that line of thinking. 

  Even though I have a huge family where most of the people RSVP yes, there are still empty seats because churches are so big anyway.   

If I was having  non-church wedding, I would put out the number of seats I need.

Sure some people will understand being B-listed, but that does not mean those who are offened are wrong about how they feel.

rajahmd

I have personal experience with this, and it sucks.  I was invited to a close friend's wedding this fall.  She refused to invite my fiance with me because she did not have room for him.  She said she would let him come after she got enough "no's".  I was offended she thought it was ok to separate us and he was offended that she didn't care enough of his feelings.  On top of this, she sent her RSVP's out over 3 months before the wedding and the RSVP date was 7 weeks before the wedding.  Painfully obvious that she B-listed people other than my fiance, and there's no excuse for it. Just don't do it.

Summer2011Bride

No, your guests shouldn't "understand." I should understand that I wasn't good enough to get invited right off the bat and only got an invitation because Great Aunt Sue couldn't come and you wanted someone to "fill that seat"? Seriously? You can't understand how thinking of someone as a seat-filler is rude?

We had about 120 guests but did not even fill up half of our Church. Did I invite a bunch of extra people just to fill up more of the pews? Absolutely not. And having a small wedding makes absolutely no difference and is no excuse to B list.

If these guests you want to B list are important enough to you to invite them at all, then you should invite them with the A list. Otherwise, don't invite them at all. People are not honored to attend weddings; people understand that sometimes budget or space or just simply wanting a small wedding means not everyone the B&G knows gets invited. That is less offensive than saying, "I like you but not enough to invite you with the A list. But if someone RSVPs no, you can feel honored to get an invitation then and come and give us presents."

JaxInBlue

We invited 180 and had 130 come to the wedding - no B list.  Agree with PPs that it's rude and painfully obvious to people when they are a second choice guest.  Would we have loved to include more friends, had we known some family would decide not to attend?  Yes - but we were not going to extend invitations to people with less than a month to go, particularly for an OOT event. 

To make our ceremony space feel "full" we only put out the number of chairs we needed.  At the reception, we also divided the room into spaces - areas for cocktails and apps, dancing, dinner, etc.  People generally moved through the spaces at certain times and the room felt really full. 

There are ways to stage spaces to make them look/feel fuller.  Even in churches, I've seen weddings with smaller guests lists rope off back pews to encourage guests to sit closer to the front.  And like PPs suggested, if you need to meet a food or venue minimum you can upgrade your apps, or add an additional course to your meal.  Host the guests who can come well.

Cortney1982

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-do-you-deal-with-inviting-your-b-list-wedding-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:6d49b6e1-810e-4807-a85a-754ab70e0e9fPost:cf18d673-4d11-4bbc-8104-6a5165facac0">Re: How do you deal with inviting your "B" list wedding guests?</a>:
[QUOTE]Swtpinkldy - and to everyone else - What if you are having a smaller wedding, do you really want a bunch of empty chairs?
Posted by bummedbridezilla[/QUOTE]

We had a really small wedding.  We had invited 41 and in the end only 29 made it.  Did I care about empty chairs?  No.  Everybody who we really cared about was there.

kmmssg

B listing is part of poor planning as far as I am concerned.  If you wanted all these people to be able to be invited you should have planned a wedding that would have accomdated that idea.  You CAN plan an afternoon cake/punch reception so you can afford to invite everyone you would like to have.  You don't have to have an evening dinner reception which can limit the guest list.

How to plan a wedding properly:

1.  Set budget

2.  Make guest list

3.  Decide how you can accomodate all those people (see #2) with the budget you set (see #1).

Follow those step and there is no reason to ever consider a B list.

monkeysip

Agreed with all the ladies above about B-listing.

The only thing I will add is that if your RSVP list comes up really short, you could always offer a plus-one to any single (TRULY single) guest you invited. 

In that way, if your guest list is tight, you could always B-list (so to speak) the plus ones.  Don't give singles a plus one (although I would make an exception for single wedding party members, or single out-of-towners because who likes to travel alone?).  Then if people RSVP no, you can offer for your single guests to bring someone with them.  (Again--this only applies to truly single people; otherwise, all SOs need to be invited in the original list).

Any other way of B-listing is just rude.