Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit)

entropicbeauty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-or-not-long-xp-mm-with-edit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:71909cd5-4a0b-4342-85b4-e0ffe1ecfaeaPost:d11cff4a-6d0f-4dd0-bad2-a3ebdd509e39">Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit)</a>:
[QUOTE]This is a difficult situation. Many, many times I've seen posters say on here that if someone makes a move on your SO, steals from you, or is generally abusive, then you have every right to NOT invite them. So why is it different this time? Because it's her SIL? Not to me. I may be an asshole, but I wouldn't invite a woman who tried to get with my FI, family or not. However, I would invite my brother, with a clear explanation as to why his wife isn't invited. If he chose not to come, then so be it. But that's me. In your case, I'd probably invite her to avoid the family blowout that will likely result from not inviting her.
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

<div>I 100% agree with this. She sounds like the type of person who would try to sleep with your FI right before your wedding just to cause drama. If you don't like the woman, sit down with your FI and explain why she is not welcome, show him the text messages if you think it's appropriate to broach that subject with him (does he even know? If one of my sister's significant others was sending suggestive text messages to me, you better believe I'd let them know!)</div>

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-or-not-long-xp-mm-with-edit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:71909cd5-4a0b-4342-85b4-e0ffe1ecfaeaPost:eeb6c567-ab3d-4bfd-b974-a03325f0bb66">Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit)</a>:
[QUOTE](Side note, I personally agree with Sesh on this one - didn't we just tell a poster yesterday she could uninvite her bridesmaid's boyfriend for inappropriate sexual behavior towards the bride?  I don't feel like this is different, conceptually.  That said, if this was my brother and I thought not inviting the ho-bag would mean my brother wouldn't come to my wedding, I'd suck it up and invite her in order to make sure he was there, but again, that's just my personal call.  I can't say what would work best for you, OP.)
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

Honestly, my first inclination is to say the same thing -- nobody who tries to come between my marriage is welcome.  However, this isn't a girlfriend or a friend of her FI -- it's her SIL.  The woman that her brother married, the mother of her nieces and nephews.  Again, this is my personal call -- I'm only saying what <em><strong>I</strong></em> would do.  And I would try -- hard as it would be -- to be supportive of my sibling and my nieces and nephews.  Especially if I knew that my FI wasn't interested in her and thought she was as much of a jerk as I did.

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-or-not-long-xp-mm-with-edit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:71909cd5-4a0b-4342-85b4-e0ffe1ecfaeaPost:e651761c-4f83-40bc-a5bd-80c75b4c49e9">Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit) : Honestly, my first inclination is to say the same thing -- nobody who tries to come between my marriage is welcome.  However, this isn't a girlfriend or a friend of her FI -- it's her SIL.  The woman that her brother married, the mother of her nieces and nephews.  Again, this is my personal call -- I'm only saying what I would do.  And I would try -- hard as it would be -- to be supportive of my sibling and my nieces and nephews.  Especially if I knew that my FI wasn't interested in her and thought she was as much of a jerk as I did.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

Bay, I completely agree that I'd ultimately invite the woman if this was my own brother.  Frankly, I'd probably invite a serial killer to my wedding (under armed guard, paid for by me) if not inviting the serial killer meant that my brother wouldn't be there.  I was only saying that from an etiquette perspective, I'm on Team Sesh.  :-)

hearthemelody

[QUOTE]Frankly, I'd probably invite a serial killer to my wedding (under armed guard, paid for by me) if not inviting the serial killer meant that my brother wouldn't be there. Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

I feel like this could be an amazing new movie. I would pay to watch this.

<em>So I Married While An Axe Murderer Was There</em>

RebeccaB88

Team Sesh as well.  She stole from you. She has attempted more than once to get with your FI.  She's been abusive to you and your family.  I think you have grounds to exclude her.  I'd invite brother and the kids only, and I'd tell him why.

Your brother has the right to choose who he wants to be married to, but you are not required to do anything to enable that relationship.  That doesn't mean you don't love and aren't there for your brother and neices.  It just means that his problems with his wife are just that, his problem.  If he chooses to continue in a relationship like this, part of that is understanding that some people might not include her (or their family) in invitations, because they aren't comfortable with her being there.  That's a decision only your brother can make.

I'm also on the side that you should shelve the issue until closer to time for invitations to go out.  A lot can happen in a year, and this might not even be an issue by then. 

Andplusalso I agree with your brother keeping a calendar of times when his wife takes off on him and the kids, when and how long.  That would probably be considered abandonment in a custody fight, and would work in your brother's favor.  This is how my FI got full custody of his son from his ex - she would take off for weeks or a month or two at a time with her trucker boyfriend, then come home and demand to see him at a moment's notice.

JoshLovesJekka

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-or-not-long-xp-mm-with-edit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:71909cd5-4a0b-4342-85b4-e0ffe1ecfaeaPost:d2e3fa6d-ff4a-4ccf-9799-710a30ac04c1">Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit) : I was sympathizing with you up until this point.  I get that she hit on your FI and that is beyond  messed up, but the bolded part just sounds immature.  You're an adult now and part of that means having to politely interact with people you just  "don't like" sometimes.  Whether it's a relative or a coworker or a crazy SIL, your job as a responsible, mature adult is to be able to do the polite thing.  In this case that means you invite your brother along with your SIL. 
Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]

I am polite to her. I even said that in the original post. Politeness has nothing to do with not putting myself in a position to be around someone that I do not like though. By NOT putting myself in that position, I believe I am acting like a responsible, mature adult. I always was taught to believe that avoiding potential combustible situations was a responsible route to go, not delving head first into them.

*side note* The parts I put in bold were responded to in the first part of the message, the last part was to a question that she had posed before that.  

FWIW, I've decided between this post and the one I made on M&M that I will follow you ladies advice and just sit on the subject and hope that she's not around the week/s before my wedding. If my brother does decide to attend *he* will be welcomed, if I need to scramble to get a seat for him or not.

Edit: Grammar

polichik

So, I don't want to jump to conclusions, but based on her behavior, I'd be surprised if she wasn't struggling with some mental health issues.  If this is new-ish behavior for her, it's pretty extreme to all of a sudden be hypersexual and leave her family for weeks at a time. If you haven't already, I'd strongly, strongly encourage your brother to get into couple therapy (or individual if she won't go). It sounds like you really care about your brother, and this could really end up harming him.

Re: the wedding, I would sit down with your brother and explain your concerns. I'd emphasize that I care about him and want him there, but that it's hard for you to ignore her past behavior and way that she treats her family. See what he has to say.

Starfish0116

I'm not sure what kind of advice you're looking for? Is everyone supposed to agree with you? I'm not trying to be rude here, but everyone has given their opinions and you've had a rebuttal for each person about why you are right.

At the end of the day, it's your wedding. If you don't want to invite her, don't. I would bet that if she isn't invited she's probably not going to let your brother and the kids attend. If you're okay with that, don't invite her. 

I don't understand everyone who is concerned about her being the type of person that would try and sleep with my FI the night before the wedding. Not sure why it's something to worry about, since your FI shouldn't be in that position to begin with. It seems clear from your posts that he isn't interested and doesn't like her, so I wouldn't worry about that. Sure it's disrespectful, but she probably isn't going to change.

JoshLovesJekka

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-or-not-long-xp-mm-with-edit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:71909cd5-4a0b-4342-85b4-e0ffe1ecfaeaPost:6b6fe384-a4ae-42b5-a847-3ebc28da5ad6">Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit)</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not sure what kind of advice you're looking for? Is everyone supposed to agree with you? I'm not trying to be rude here, but everyone has given their opinions and you've had a rebuttal for each person about why you are right. At the end of the day, it's your wedding. If you don't want to invite her, don't. I would bet that if she isn't invited she's probably not going to let your brother and the kids attend. If you're okay with that, don't invite her.  I don't understand everyone who is concerned about her being the type of person that would try and sleep with my FI the night before the wedding. Not sure why it's something to worry about, since your FI shouldn't be in that position to begin with. It seems clear from your posts that he isn't interested and doesn't like her, so I wouldn't worry about that. Sure it's disrespectful, but she probably isn't going to change.
Posted by Starfish0116[/QUOTE]

Honestly, I came in expecting to be crucified and feel like I have gotten constrictive advice, I didn't think that anyone would agree with me or understand my reasoning. I don't see how I've had a rebuttal for everyone's answer, but I have answered their questions as they've asked them. And everyone here has had an opinion. The only time I have opposed something that someone's said is when my personal character has been questioned. In the end I have decided to do what several of the ladies suggest and wait and revisit the issue at a closer time to our date.

hearthemelody

In [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest or not-LONG! (XP M&M with edit) : Honestly, I came in expecting to be crucified and feel like I have gotten constrictive advice, I didn't think that anyone would agree with me or understand my reasoning. I don't see how I've had a rebuttal for everyone's answer, but I have answered their questions as they've asked them. And everyone here has had an opinion. The only time I have opposed something that someone's said is when my personal character has been questioned. In the end I have decided to do what several of the ladies suggest and wait and revisit the issue at a closer time to our date.
Posted by JoshLovesJekka[/QUOTE]

Dear God, woman, how dare you accept reasonable responses to your honest questions! You need to insult me, explain that your choices will always be right, and denounce this whole website! What are we supposed to do with this polite and straightforward garbage!

-hugs!-