Wedding Etiquette Forum

Is keeping it simple more complicated?

We know there have been plenty ‘o’ posts about invitation etiquette but our situation is just a little different!  Simple =  complicated? After more than a year engaged and trying to figure out how and where and who to have present (so many opinions), we’ve settled! We are planning a small, immediate family ceremony (grandparents, parents and lots of siblings=25 people) on a Friday evening in a botanic garden where we live. Dinner there after the ceremony with the fam. Saturday, we’ll invite all of our friends to a nice, but relatively casual reception in the backyard of our new home. Sunday, we will get everyone together for a breakfast picnic and football in our local park (if they want). We went this route because A.) money--we are doing the wedding ourselves and B.)we are simple people who want to be more excited than nervous about details on the day we get hitched!

Our question is, when should we send the next day celebration invite to out-of-towners and how should we communicate some key things? And is it weird to invite them to a party the day after the wedding? We want to communicate that we would love to celebrate with them but given we decided on a tiny family ceremony, we understand that many people may not fly all the way to our city for just a casual-ish celebration the next day. That said, we want to give enough advance notice to those who really want to come for the party. We know that 6-8 weeks is the norm for traditional but the same for this?? We also plan to say no gifts please, in recognition that flying in for a lovely party (in lieu of the whole wedding) is plenty a gift for us! Are there any other taboos we are committing in this attempt to be simple?

Re: Is keeping it simple more complicated?

  • Don't say a word about gifts on the invitation, ever.  Wedding ceremony or not, gifts or not.

    I can't speak to the timeline, though.  I'd say six weeks, maybe?  Enough notice that people can make travel plans if they choose to.
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  • This is not simple. Simple would be having the small ceremony, having dinner with the families immediately after, and calling it a day.

    There's no need to celebrate with everyone you know, and that's the expensive part anyway. Also, I wouldn't want to travel a long way for a reception only. And no matter what, you should not mention gifts (not even to say "no gifts please") unless asked directly.
  • Oh wow-really?! Who knew?? I thought it was a nice thing to say no gifts...good thing I posted:) Thanks!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_keeping-simple-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:729f59b2-0451-4130-9e1c-13b998bc8601Post:0439a68f-68fd-4cd7-a922-491fbd0e3773">Re: Is keeping it simple more complicated?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Is keeping it simple more complicated? : It's complicated because you are marking it that way.  If you just want a small ceremony with your immediate family, just keep the reception that way and have it immediately after the ceremony. If you want to keep things simple, why plan THREE days of events?
    Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ditto this.  You could make this much more simple by just taking the people invited to the small intimate ceremony out to dinner after, and have that be it.  3 days of events is far from simple.  Also, I think it's rude to have people come to the ceremony and then not feed them until the next day.</div>
    imageBabyFruit Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_keeping-simple-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:729f59b2-0451-4130-9e1c-13b998bc8601Post:0439a68f-68fd-4cd7-a922-491fbd0e3773">Re: Is keeping it simple more complicated?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Is keeping it simple more complicated? : It's complicated because you are marking it that way. <div>
    </div><div> If you just want a small ceremony with your immediate family, just keep the reception that way and have it immediately after the ceremony.</div><div>
    </div><div> If you want to keep things simple, why plan THREE days of events?
    Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

    <div>THIS !!</div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div></div>






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Oh no, we will be having a nice family dinner right there at the gardens immediately after the ceremony!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_keeping-simple-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:729f59b2-0451-4130-9e1c-13b998bc8601Post:944f45a3-3766-4ec9-a05e-1e78ce38f9b0">Re: Is keeping it simple more complicated?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh no, we will be having a nice family dinner right there at the gardens immediately after the ceremony!
    Posted by LasCosas[/QUOTE]

    <div>Then why not just leave it at that?  You don't need to do a party the next day, and it's actually rude to say to the guests that would be invited to that party.</div>
    imageBabyFruit Ticker
  • I don't understand why the small ceremony and large reception, especially if you have OOT guests, and your small ceremony is 25 people.  It can still be a simple ceremony and reception, even with all your guests invited to both.  And a larger ceremony if very little (if any) cost.  I would not travel OOT for just a reception, but I would for a ceremony and reception, even if the reception is very simple (note: as an OOT guest, I would expect the ceremony and reception the same day).  And regardless of whether or not I was invited to the ceremony, I would find it weird to not have the reception until the next day.

    Send your invites on the regular timeframe (6-8 weeks), and don't mention gifts.  And make your life a lot easier by either having just a small ceremony and reception OR a larger one.
  • Do not put anything about gifts on the invite.

    Honestly, I think you are making it very complicated. Just invite everyone to the ceremony. The ceremony is the cheap & simple thing. The reception is the complicated thing (with music, food, tables, decoration, alcohol, etc.)

    But, if you have to do this something like "Please come celebrate the recent marriage of X & X  on X." so people realize you will be married already.

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  • If you want to keep it simple, then why not have a casual wedding/reception in your backyard with your family and friends? Have a BBQ, some music and call it a day. 
    Anniversary
  • I think it would be prefectly fine to have a nice casual reception after the wedding. The reception is the pricey part, not the ceremony -- could you not find an inexpensive ceremony venue?
    Lizzie
  • I totally see what everyone is saying about more complicated. What do you mean by "it's actually rude to say to the guests that would be invited to that party"? Rude that they wouldn't be invited to the ceremony? FAmily would be there at the back yard party the next day, too.
    Thanks for the input!!

  • Wait, so you are having TWO receptions & you are trying to make it simple?  

    Just have the Friday night ceremony & reception. The Saturday/Sunday thing is unnecessary & rude in my opinion.

    Planning Bio
    Married 9/15/11

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    *This is Not Legal Advice*
  • good point. I guess it seemed like having a backyard party to celebrate the wedding seemed like less pressure than a ceremony and party all in one. We want a low key, intimate ceremony so maybe we'll just skip the party to celebrate with friends.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_keeping-simple-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:729f59b2-0451-4130-9e1c-13b998bc8601Post:b510dfab-d2ba-4715-8190-2dbe706d26f6">Re: Is keeping it simple more complicated?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I totally see what everyone is saying about more complicated. What do you mean by "it's actually rude to say to the guests that would be invited to that party"? Rude that they wouldn't be invited to the ceremony? FAmily would be there at the back yard party the next day, too. Thanks for the input!!
    Posted by LasCosas[/QUOTE]

    I thought that the only way it was ok to have a small ceremony and large reception was if the ceremony was really small and family only, kind of like what you're doing.  Regardless, you're telling guests that they're special enough to you to come to your party, but not special enough to see you get married.  Even if that's not your intention, that's how it can be perceived.  When the guests are traveling a ways, that seems even worse, IMO, and I wouldn't do it even if the numbers worked out so it was ok, etiquette-wise (or I could be wrong about that first sentence). 
  • Technically since you're really doing just immediate family at the ceremony, you're within etiquette to call it a private ceremony and also have a party afterward with more people.

    That said, I think I would find it a bit strange if a friend wanted to have a ceremony with just her family but still wanted to invite me to celebrate afterward, and I think some of PPs' responses indicate they feel similarly, so that's something to keep in mind in deciding whether or not this would work for your friends.
  • I meant it is rude to your guests to basically say I don't want you to see me getting married, but you can come celebrate with me after and bring me a gift.  I understand you wanted to write "no gifts," but a lot of people will bring gifts anyways to receptions.

    Technically, yes you are okay etiquette-wise to do a private ceremony then reception later.  I never think it's a good idea to make them on separate days though.  And especially if you are trying to keep it simple, this is definitely not the way to do it.

    I see that you have already decided not to do it, just wanted to answer you question though.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_keeping-simple-complicated?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:729f59b2-0451-4130-9e1c-13b998bc8601Post:42af88ff-7276-409a-9fec-99a694345232">Re: Is keeping it simple more complicated?</a>:
    [QUOTE]good point. I guess it seemed like having a backyard party to celebrate the wedding seemed like less pressure than a ceremony and party all in one. We want a low key, intimate ceremony so maybe we'll just skip the party to celebrate with friends.
    Posted by LasCosas[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, I have to agree with everyone else. Either do the ceremony before the low-key BBQ at home (see the younghouselove blog for a really nice backyard ceremony and reception on a budget) OR just do the immediate family and dinner the night before. I wouldn't do both. I wouldn't mind the open house BBQ so much if it didn't involve a lot of OOT guests - I wouldn't invite people to fly in for a casual BBQ without a wedding ceremony.
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  • If you want to keep it small - keep it small with only one reception.  Even if you say "no gifts" (or get the word out) - people will still bring you gifts. 

    If you want to let everyone know that you two got married, send out announcements on the day of.
  • My cousin wanted to get married in the same church where her grandparents were married.  Unfortunately it was tiny (maybe room for 25 people?) and she and her now husband have a lot of friends and family.  So they invited around 25 of us to the ceremony and then there were about 100 people at the evening reception.  They had the ceremony at noon, then there was about an hour drive to the reception venue, so that started around 2pm.  Then the small group of us had a meal around 2:30pm, and then at 5pm the additional guests came and we had dinner around 7:30 and dancing through the evening.  I'm sure this was expensive since they had the reception venue for about 10 hours, but the point is that they were able to have an intimate family-only ceremony and a classy bigger reception the same day without offending anyone (to my knowledge).  If you wanted to do something like this, then you can have the intimate family-only ceremony and follow up with the BBQ for everyone the same day.  You don't need the family dinner (do that for the rehearsal dinner instead if you desperately want it).
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