My first RSVP write-in

[Deleted User]

Not sure how to handle this one:

This one's interesting because it's a good friend from high school.  Originally, I invited her and her boyfriend(with his name written out on the outer and inner envelope).  Apparently her BF can't made it, so she invited her best friend and wrote her name in on the line.  Okay...well, that doesn't change the number of guests but I don't believe I've ever met this girl, since they were friends in college.  I've only heard my friend mention her name here and there over the years.
Anyways, originally I was thinking I'd just let it slide since she's not inviting more people or anything and then I thought...hey, I don't actually know this girl, why am I paying for her dinner??  Mutual friends of ours are also attending so it's not like she wouldn't know anyone else there.

Thoughts?  I'm kind of torn on this one.  We're hoping for 150 guests and we're at 70 so far.  Wedding is April 27th.

Thanks!

[Deleted User]

We invited that many because my FI has a ginormous family and FMIL wouldn't back off.  Originally the guest list was over 300 and I had to firmly tell her to trim it down (with the help of FI).  According to her, "most of the people we invited are just a formality and won't come anyway" yea, we'll see about that :-/  It was quite a battle for awhile there.

This is a destination wedding, with most guests traveling at least 8 hrs if not more.  Trust me, I'm very unsettled about the huge guest list.  I'm pretty sure we'll be right around 150-175 but FI is confident we'll be under.

Thanks for your input.

P.S. No one is a "local" friend anymore because my family moved while I was in college and the wedding is at my parents' rental house, which is 2 hrs from my hometown.  FI and I are paying for the wedding ourselves so the budget is somewhat of a concern but we have saved some extra money in case we go over our 150 goal.  My concern is that I'd rather this friend bring the guest I wrote out in the first place or at least bring someone I know, like her mom or something if her boyfriend can't attend.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-first-rsvp-write-in?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:786cf775-cb3e-402d-9563-d47462587ca2Post:27441e51-c6d8-40f2-99d0-77fda0cabd1e">Re: My first RSVP write-in</a>:
[QUOTE]Are you allowing your single pals to bring +1's?  If so, I would let her bring her.  If not, you can call and explain  you didn't give +1's to single people and your other friends would have their feelings hurt if they see that she brought a non-SO +1. I don't get why people think invitations are  like"tickets" that can be transferred if someone can't make it.
Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]

<div>Single friends that are engaged or in a serious relationship with someone FI and/or I have met are allowed to bring a guest.  She and her boyfriend were invited because they've been together for a couple of years and I have met him.  </div><div>
</div><div>Honestly, I think she just doesn't know the "rules" on this stuff and she's not trying to be rude or a pain.  She's a total sweetheart.</div>

aurianna

I didn't see her mention 270... maybe I'm blind or she posted somewhere else?

You are under no obligation to let this girl slide if you invited her husband by name.

Just call her up and say "I'm sorry for the confusion, friend, but the invite was just for your husband. But I hope you're still able to attend?"


Are you allowing truly single guests a plus one? If not, I'd be more prone to telling her she couldn't bring her (why should she get to bring someone random who isn't part of her social unit when no one else could?).

If not... really your call. I wouldn't fault you either way.



EDIT:

Ooooh....... Read later posts.
Don't let her bring her. You'll need the headcount...
Instead, call up everyone who is in a relationship that you didn't invite their SO (regardless if you've met them or not), apologize for not including them, and of course they are invited.

You should always invite anyone in a relationship (whether you know the partner or not) as a couple.

aurianna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-first-rsvp-write-in?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:786cf775-cb3e-402d-9563-d47462587ca2Post:77fc72b9-f9d0-4e52-aa77-3e1b5a4f363a">Re: My first RSVP write-in</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My first RSVP write-in : But the guest in question isn't single.  Her BF can't make it.
Posted by Sylvia Weis[/QUOTE]

I think her point is "if you're allowing other guests to bring random companions for fun as well, why not let this slide?" but that point is moot. OP didn't even invite all couples together.

AddieCake

Since you had already budgeted for her boyfriend, I don't think it's a big deal to let her bring her friend. I understand she probably doesn't NEED this friend there since she will know other people, but it's just not something that would bother me. 

loca4pook

I would probably just be let it slide, but that is me.

She invited someone because she probably felt uncomfortable going alone. To me, if it makes her feel more comfortable (and it doesn't change my number), I'd probably just let it slide...

but then again, I hate awkward conversations...LMAO

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-first-rsvp-write-in?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:786cf775-cb3e-402d-9563-d47462587ca2Post:34475cc2-f6b9-4738-91c2-b5d28fc9b09e">Re: My first RSVP write-in</a>:
[QUOTE]IYou should always invite anyone in a relationship (whether you know the partner or not) as a couple.
Posted by aurianna[/QUOTE]

<div>That's interesting...that's the first time I've seen that.  Everything I've read both in the books and reputable websites said I did it correctly.  I had a few guy friends ask if they could bring "+1's"  and I politely explained to them our situation and that I would let them know once we see how the RSVPs stacked up.  These girls were not their girlfriends at the time that invitations went out.  These guys are also notorious for having flings but not really solid relationships.</div>

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-first-rsvp-write-in?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:786cf775-cb3e-402d-9563-d47462587ca2Post:25e657b6-6cf3-45be-b16a-21ea5f80057a">Re: My first RSVP write-in</a>:
[QUOTE]I would probably just be let it slide, but that is me. She invited someone because she probably felt uncomfortable going alone. To me, if it makes her feel more comfortable (and it doesn't change my number), I'd probably just let it slide... but then again, I hate awkward conversations...LMAO
Posted by loca4pook[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Lol, yea, I don't think it'd be that awkward because she's so understanding.  I just don't want to offend anyone else but I doubt they'd even know if they saw this random guest.  FI and I are in the military and we've moved around a lot so we have a few really solid friends from a lot of different places, which adds up to quite a few really solid friends, lol.</div>

aurianna

People probably won't find out.... but I don't know...
If I was a guest and my boyfriend wasn't invited because we'd only been together for a month or too or because you hadn't met him, and I somehow found out you let this random gal come, I'd be pretty offended.

I did let a friend bring a girlfriend of hers when her husband couldn't come, but it was very last minute as she and her husband had initially RSVPd together.

[Deleted User]

Thanks for you input, everyone!

lyndausvi

I do not follow the "I don't know them logic".

Because of that I don't get the issue.   You would have been okay with her BF, or her mother or her sister, whatever, just let her bring the friend to the OOT wedding.  Geez.


And who gos around polling the guests on what the relationship status is between them and the person they are traveling with?   Really?

lauralaur

OP the reason we say to invite ALL couples together is because you never know just how serious a relationship is, only the people in it do. My BIL started dating a woman last January; in August, they found out she was pregnant. They are now married and own a home together. Their relationship got pretty serious pretty quickly, and most of the family met her for the first time at H's cousin's wedding in October.

Anywho, I would not let her bring the friend for a few reasons: her boyfriend was invited by name, you need it for your budget/numbers, and single people aren't allowed to bring a random tag-a-long so why should she?

McRogol

I'd say let her bring the friend...You said everyone was travelign 8 hours to come, and if she's driving that's a long trip alone in the car.

winelover123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-first-rsvp-write-in?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:786cf775-cb3e-402d-9563-d47462587ca2Post:63e117ea-2c96-4b5c-a7bf-afecd1693c2c">Re: My first RSVP write-in</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My first RSVP write-in : I think her point is "if you're allowing other guests to bring random companions for fun as well, why not let this slide?" but that point is moot. OP didn't even invite all couples together.
Posted by aurianna[/QUOTE]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like OP did invite everyone who is in a relationship (ie girlfriend/boyfriend, fiance, spouse) but just not the random flings or "we're just dating" folks. Or at least that's the impression I'm getting from her later post about guy friends asking to bring a random date - not a girlfriend.

StephJean83

OP, are you inviting ALL SOs or just the ones you know/have met? I didn't meet most of FH's friends from college until we had a few weddings last year. If any of them went by the logic of the no met no invite rule, I would have been excluded despite us living together and eventually getting engaged before the weddings. As PPs have said about letting it slide since she probably doesn't want to travel alone. In the grand scheme of things, you probably won't even realize she is there except to thank them for coming.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-first-rsvp-write-in?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:786cf775-cb3e-402d-9563-d47462587ca2Post:6f097c18-338b-449a-9b70-5c6eece93a19">Re: My first RSVP write-in</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My first RSVP write-in : Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like OP did invite everyone who is in a relationship (ie girlfriend/boyfriend, fiance, spouse) but just not the random flings or "we're just dating" folks. Or at least that's the impression I'm getting from her later post about guy friends asking to bring a random date - not a girlfriend.
Posted by winelover123[/QUOTE]

<div>That is correct.</div>

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-first-rsvp-write-in?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:786cf775-cb3e-402d-9563-d47462587ca2Post:e455eaa1-80fa-4faf-a2cc-0da1e8dc1845">Re:My first RSVP writein</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, are you inviting ALL SOs or just the ones you know/have met? I didn't meet most of FH's friends from college until we had a few weddings last year. If any of them went by the logic of the no met no invite rule, I would have been excluded despite us living together and eventually getting engaged before the weddings. As PPs have said about letting it slide since she probably doesn't want to travel alone. In the grand scheme of things, you probably won't even realize she is there except to thank them for coming.
Posted by StephJean83[/QUOTE]

<div>We're inviting all significant others.  However, if they started dating after the guest list was set and invitations went out then they are not invited at the current time until we see how the rest of the RSVPs shake out.  A lot of my guy friends do not hold down steady relationships and these are not steady, either, YET.  I did tell them that if we have extra space we would be happy to extend the invitation.  However, most of these guys will likely break up with the girls or have broken up with them already.  If that's the case, it's not an issue.  If they are still together, bring 'em on down.</div>

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-first-rsvp-write-in?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:786cf775-cb3e-402d-9563-d47462587ca2Post:a2928a5c-8c57-428e-b836-1abafd08192b">Re: My first RSVP write-in</a>:
[QUOTE]I do not follow the "I don't know them logic". Because of that I don't get the issue.   You would have been okay with her BF, or her mother or her sister, whatever, just let her bring the friend to the OOT wedding.  Geez. And who gos around polling the guests on what the relationship status is between them and the person they are traveling with?   Really?
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

<div>I'd like to think I keep in touch with my friends enough to know their dating status without having to poll them.  "Hey, I just met this girl at the bar, she's kinda cool, can I bring her??" is much different to me than "Hey, I was wondering if my girlfriend could join me, she's been dying to meet you."  FI and I would like our wedding to include our close friends and family and their loved ones, not the random girls our sailor and pilot friends picked up at the bar last week.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-first-rsvp-write-in?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:786cf775-cb3e-402d-9563-d47462587ca2Post:215652fa-7e01-4509-81aa-23546bf98d41">Re: My first RSVP write-in</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd say let her bring the friend...You said everyone was travelign 8 hours to come, and if she's driving that's a long trip alone in the car.
Posted by McRogol[/QUOTE]

<div>This particular friend is driving 2 hours, she's as "local" as it gets.  I think it's still a pain to drive 2 hours and I wouldn't want to do it alone if I were her.  However, we have mutual friends from high school that are also coming, so I was going to suggest that they all carpool.</div>

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-first-rsvp-write-in?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:786cf775-cb3e-402d-9563-d47462587ca2Post:34475cc2-f6b9-4738-91c2-b5d28fc9b09e">Re: My first RSVP write-in</a>:
[QUOTE]I didn't see her mention 270... maybe I'm blind or she posted somewhere else? You are under no obligation to let this girl slide if you invited her husband by name. Just call her up and say "I'm sorry for the confusion, friend, but the invite was just for your husband. But I hope you're still able to attend?" Are you allowing truly single guests a plus one? If not, I'd be more prone to telling her she couldn't bring her (why should she get to bring someone random who isn't part of her social unit when no one else could?). If not... really your call. I wouldn't fault you either way. EDIT: Ooooh....... Read later posts. Don't let her bring her. You'll need the headcount... Instead, call up everyone who is in a relationship that you didn't invite their SO (regardless if you've met them or not), apologize for not including them, and of course they are invited. You should always invite anyone in a relationship (whether you know the partner or not) as a couple.
Posted by aurianna[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Please let me clarify, the ones in solid relationships are allowed to bring SO's.  My guy friends that have new gfs will be accomodated if there is room, which they are aware of and totally understand our large family dilemma.  They are all in driving distance, so they won't have to wait till the last minute to book a plane ticket or anything.</div>

StephJean83

In Response to Re:My first RSVP writein:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:My first RSVP writein:OP, are you inviting ALL SOs or just the ones you know/have met? I didn't meet most of FH's friends from college until we had a few weddings last year. If any of them went by the logic of the no met no invite rule, I would have been excluded despite us living together and eventually getting engaged before the weddings. As PPs have said about letting it slide since she probably doesn't want to travel alone. In the grand scheme of things, you probably won't even realize she is there except to thank them for coming.Posted by StephJean83We're inviting all significant others. nbsp;However, if they started dating after the guest list was set and invitations went out then they are not invited at the current time until we see how the rest of the RSVPs shake out. nbsp;A lot of my guy friends do not hold down steady relationships and these are not steady, either, YET. nbsp;I did tell them that if we have extra space we would be happy to extend the invitation. nbsp;However, most of these guys will likely break up with the girls or have broken up with them already. nbsp;If that's the case, it's not an issue. nbsp;If they are still together, bring 'em on down. Posted by lch0708[/QUOTE]

If ypur friend considers the person to be their SO, even if at the time the guest list was made they weren't dating, you are inviting them? I understand the whole, not including the flavor of the week but if they consider the person as their SO, they should be invited as a couple. FWIW, I'm making up my guest list right now and am including dates for all guests. Once we send invites out we might not include dates for truly single people but would definately invite any SO of a guest, even if neither of us had met said SO.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-first-rsvp-write-in?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:786cf775-cb3e-402d-9563-d47462587ca2Post:a74177e4-1bae-4879-b95b-a44bd496f6d6">Re:My first RSVP writein</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:My first RSVP writein: If ypur friend considers the person to be their SO, even if at the time the guest list was made they weren't dating, you are inviting them? I understand the whole, not including the flavor of the week but if they consider the person as their SO, they should be invited as a couple. FWIW, I'm making up my guest list right now and am including dates for all guests. Once we send invites out we might not include dates for truly single people but would definately invite any SO of a guest, even if neither of us had met said SO.
Posted by StephJean83[/QUOTE]

<div>I didn't really understand your first question.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>I just found the section in Peggy Post's book <u>Wedding Etiquette</u> 5th ed, page 96:</div><div>
</div><div>Help! What do I do about...</div><div>Including partners: Partners of invited guests must be included in wedding invitations.  This includes <strong>couples who are married, engaged, or living together-whether you or anyone in the wedding party knows them or not.  Allowing single guests who aren't attached to significant others to bring dates is a thoughtful gesture, but one that is certainly <em>not required</em> and often not realistic.</strong></div><div><strong>
</strong></div><div>Guests who ask to bring guests: The answer is straightforward: It is impolite of a guest to ask if he or she can bring a date-<strong>but it is not impolite of you to refuse.  You may certainly say no...However, if you discover that they are engaged or living together, invite your friend's partner, either verbally or by invitation."</strong></div><div><strong>
</strong></div><div>I knew I saw it somewhere.</div>

StephJean83

There are many people who do not live together before getting engaged or married for many reasons. I will give you a couple examples. My sister and BIL didn't move in together until after dating for 5 years, whereas my FH and I moved in together just after a year of dating. If people went by the logic of living together, engaged, or married vs ALL SOs, you are telling your friends that if they aren't engaged, living together or married, even after years of being together, their relationship isn't "serious enough". You as a host does not determine the seriousness of someone's relationship, they do by indictating if the person is a SO or just some random date. What I was wondering is if you had a friend, we will call him Bob. You make up the guest list and Bob is single, however by the time you send out invites, Bob has meet and started dating Sally. Bob and Sally have been dating for 6 months when invites goes out. Would you include Sally on Bob's invite or would you tell him if you get enough declines, he can bring Sally.

antibride2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-first-rsvp-write-in?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:786cf775-cb3e-402d-9563-d47462587ca2Post:dc576b3f-573b-4228-b66b-aa9efb19c849">Re:My first RSVP writein</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:My first RSVP writein : We're inviting all significant others.  However, if they started dating after the guest list was set and invitations went out then they are not invited at the current time until we see how the rest of the RSVPs shake out.  A lot of my guy friends do not hold down steady relationships and these are not steady, either, YET.<strong>  I did tell them that if we have extra space we would be happy to extend the invitation.</strong>  However, most of these guys will likely break up with the girls or have broken up with them already.  If that's the case, it's not an issue.  If they are still together, bring 'em on down.
Posted by lch0708[/QUOTE]

If you invited 250 people, and I think your ticker said you had 38 decline, you already have extra space!  Problem solved!  <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

TheBaysideBride

haha i don't really know how you should handle this, but HOLY MOLY that's bold. It's not like she's dropping by your christmas party.
I'm sorry, i'm just shaking my head. Somehow, she has to be told, no.
Maybe just shoot her an email and say, "thanks for the prompt response. I"ve marked down that you're coming, but unfortunately at this point we can't add additional guests to the list. I hope you and XX understand. I'd love to meet her for drinks after the wedding."

winelover123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_my-first-rsvp-write-in?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:786cf775-cb3e-402d-9563-d47462587ca2Post:dccbfb5b-cf3e-47c9-ade2-a9df9f73a217">Re:My first RSVP writein</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:My first RSVP writein : I didn't really understand your first question. I just found the section in Peggy Post's book Wedding Etiquette  5th ed, page 96: Help! What do I do about... Including partners: Partners of invited guests must be included in wedding invitations.  This includes couples who are married, engaged, or living together-whether you or anyone in the wedding party knows them or not.  Allowing single guests who aren't attached to significant others to bring dates is a thoughtful gesture, but one that is certainly not required  and often not realistic. Guests who ask to bring guests: The answer is straightforward: It is impolite of a guest to ask if he or she can bring a date- but it is not impolite of you to refuse.  You may certainly say no...However, if you discover that they are engaged or living together, invite your friend's partner, either verbally or by invitation." I knew I saw it somewhere.
Posted by lch0708[/QUOTE]

I think PP was asking when did you make your guest list and why wouldn't you include potential SOs or friends' who, for lack of a better word, acquired SOs after you made your list? For example, I made our rough guest list about a year ago. When it comes time to send out invitations, I'll see if anyone who was single is in a relationship and extend an invitation. Or do you mean you made a final guest list at the same time that you send out your invitations? I'm a little confused too by what you mean when you say that you didn't include your friends' SOs who weren't in a relationship before you wrote your guest list.