"nudging" my WP

ARod22

I know that all the bridesmaids have to do is show up.  But I was wondering how much "nudging" I am allowed to do.  I haven't asked them for very much, but recently the best man, my father, and FFIL were talking about giving toasts.  Now, the band has sent me a schedule that he wants me to fill out, and he wants me to put who is giving toasts (I guess so they can announce them).  None of my BMs have mentioned anything me me.  I was emailing them tonight to see if they are good on dress alterations, would be interested in hair/makeup the day-of (I'm not making them), and I was going to add a note at the end that says something to the effect of, "I need to let the band know a schedule for the reception, and if either of you are interested in toasts, let me know." I feel awkward saying this, though.  Is this rude or unacceptable?

squirrly

Eh, I think it's fine so long as it's going to multiple people.  They might all assume somebody else is going to, and thus not feel particularly obligated.  If nobody responds that they want to, though, no further 'nudges'.

LP11509

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nudging-wp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:795185ab-3265-4231-a92d-f596daa123d5Post:d0ab00c7-02ec-48a3-a8bb-8349715595e3">Re: "nudging" my WP</a>:
[QUOTE]Eh, I think it's fine so long as it's going to multiple people.  They might all assume somebody else is going to, and thus not feel particularly obligated.  If nobody responds that they want to, though, no further 'nudges'.
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Agreed.  I did the exact same thing you're considering, and my MOH replied that she wanted to give a toast.  Nobody else said anything, and I didn't bring it up again.  </div>

Beachy730

Yeah I think that would be fine.  I had 5 BMs total, so I only asked my MOH.  I've never seen a bridesmaid or GM give a speech that wasn't the MOH or BestMan though. 

As for "nudging" them about anything else, I would see what they want.  Do they offer to help with things?  My BMs all said tell me what I can do to help.  So a few times when we were addressing invites, or stuffing invites, things like that, I would just send a text out to all of them.  Mine always said something like "I'll be addressing my invites tonight while drinking lots of wine and snacking if you want to join."  But I never brought it up again or held it against anyone that didn't come. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I think it would be okay. Honestly, I wouldn't have known one of my BMs wanted to give a toast until she brought it up in conversation (she wrote is about 9-10 months before my wedding and it was astounding, not a dry eye in the house). 

ETA: We didn't have an MOH or best man, so the people who gave toasts were one BM, one GM, the FOG, and another friend who witnessed our proposal.

Kristin789

Well, the FOB gives the first toast, thanking everyone for attending the wedding of his daughter and her new husband.
The FOG can give a toast, thanking the bride's family for hosting such a wonderful wedding for his son and his new wife.
The Best Man gives the toast to the newlywed couple.

That covers it.
In the region where I live, these are the toasts that are given.  It's really rare for a MOH or BM or MOG or MOB to give any toast...

SaraAndrew2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nudging-wp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:795185ab-3265-4231-a92d-f596daa123d5Post:d1bd755d-8708-43cf-8e91-ed8b2421b3b7">Re: "nudging" my WP</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, the FOB gives the first toast, thanking everyone for attending the wedding of his daughter and her new husband. The FOG can give a toast, thanking the bride's family for hosting such a wonderful wedding for his son and his new wife. The Best Man gives the toast to the newlywed couple. That covers it. In the region where I live, these are the toasts that are given.  It's really rare for a MOH or BM or MOG or MOB to give any toast...
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

Kristin, you make it sound like there's only one correct way to give toasts.  There's not.  Maybe what you describe is common in your area, but I frequently see the MOH give a toast (and the FOG not give a toast).  If someone volunteers to give a toast and the B&G want them to, it's perfectly fine.  There's no rule against a bridesmaid or groomsmen giving a toast.

kathrynhabibti

Kristin, the bride's family does not always host. I don't know why you refuse to accept this.

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nudging-wp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:795185ab-3265-4231-a92d-f596daa123d5Post:53553310-ec5c-4bab-b9df-7c0aee11ef34">Re: "nudging" my WP</a>:
[QUOTE]Kristin, the bride's family does not always host. I don't know why you refuse to accept this.
Posted by kathrynhabibti[/QUOTE]

...because she's only here for the entertainment value.

britne28

Doesn't sound like you are going overboard with asking your WP about the toasts, hair,etc.  I think you are fine.  We didn't start asking about toasts until the venue and DJ asked when and how many.  No big deal. 

And there isn't any standard of how to do toasts.  My dad did the toast and I got up and thanked everyone for celebrating with us.  Then went round to the tables. 

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nudging-wp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:795185ab-3265-4231-a92d-f596daa123d5Post:53553310-ec5c-4bab-b9df-7c0aee11ef34">Re: "nudging" my WP</a>:
[QUOTE]Kristin, the bride's family does not always host. I don't know why you refuse to accept this.
Posted by kathrynhabibti[/QUOTE]

Because she's stuck in 1950. Most of what she says is "in my area" which doesn't mean it's actualy correct. I find most of her posts condescending, but enjoy rolling my eyes at her.

brilibby4

OP: I see no problem with sending that message out as long as you leave it at that.  If no one responds I would assume that means they are not interested in giving toasts.

[QUOTE]Well, the FOB gives the first toast, thanking everyone for attending the wedding of his daughter and her new husband. The FOG can give a toast, thanking the bride's family for hosting such a wonderful wedding for his son and his new wife. The Best Man gives the toast to the newlywed couple. That covers it. In the region where I live, these are the toasts that are given.  It's really rare for a MOH or BM or MOG or MOB to give any toast...
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

Kristin: Well my parents will not be hosting my wedding so they will not be giving a toast.  My fiance and I might consider giving a toast to thank everyone for coming and all since WE will be hosting.  There are certainly many possibilities for toasts so do not act as if there is one correct way.

kathrynhabibti

The entertainment value of her 1950s-era area. One of the more interesting aspects of said area is that if you wear only your engagement ring (even after marriage), men will still hit on and pester you as you're apparently still available, and the women will constantly ask you when your wedding is.

[Deleted User]

My parents did not host our wedding, nor did my Dad give us a toast. Only our BM and MOH gave a toast at the reception. It is your wedding, and you can do it however you like. Just don't bore your guests too much with a lot of toasts and dances, etc.

I tried to keep my BM's in the loop of what was going on and if they had questions about something, they contacted me.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_nudging-wp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:795185ab-3265-4231-a92d-f596daa123d5Post:d1bd755d-8708-43cf-8e91-ed8b2421b3b7">Re: "nudging" my WP</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, the FOB gives the first toast, thanking everyone for attending the wedding of his daughter and her new husband. The FOG can give a toast, thanking the bride's family for hosting such a wonderful wedding for his son and his new wife. The Best Man gives the toast to the newlywed couple.<strong> That covers it.</strong>In the region where I live, these are the toasts that are given.  It's really rare for a MOH or BM or MOG or MOB to give any toast...
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

Well never in my life have a seen either father give a toast at the wedding.  So there goes your theory. 

My parents hosted my wedding and didn't give a toast.  I'm not saying its wrong by any means if they do, but I have never seen anyone give toasts at a wedding other than a Best Man or MOH.  If anything I've seen parents give toasts at the RD. 
But then again, I didn't get married in 1950, nor did my parents pay a dowry to my H for him to marry me. 

DramaGeek

My dad was the only one who toasted us at our wedding.  We asked the bridal party if anyone wanted to and no one did, and that was fine with us.  My dad did right before the cake cutting, then after the cake cutting I thanked everyone for coming and we brought out a cake for my 9 year old cousin as our wedding day was also his birthday, and his family came 2500 miles to celebrate our wedding with us.  All 300+ people at the reception sang happy birthday to my cousin and then we all ate cake and danced.  Talk about flying in the face of tradition!

ARod22

Thanks everyone!  Just wanted y'alls thoughts before sending the email.

My sitch is that I have 3 BMs, one of whom is my sister and is sort of casually the MOH.  The reason for this is that my sister is a socially awkward person with minor language/social disabilities.  She doesn't do well in leadership, public speaking, or organization.  At the wedding she will be referred to as MOH out of respect for the fact that she is my sister, but this is not a typical MOH situation.  She, as well as the other two, have been bridesmaids all along, and everyone seems fine with that.  I don't want to pressure her into making a toast or confronting the other girls about it, so I am willing to break "tradition" whatever that means.

tenofcups4me

I asked one of my BMs to give a toast. My sister was my MOH but also our officiant and I knew she would have ample opportunity to say whatever she wanted during the ceremony. I know some people here think you don't ask, you wait for a volunteer, but that has not been my experience. In my crowd, if you're not specifically asked to speak, you absolutely do NOT get up to speak since that would be considered really rude. So I asked.