Gifts for parents that are not helping to pay for expences..

1717kallan

My parents are footing the entire bill for us from start to finish...we are so thankful for their generosity!  My FMIL is not nearly financially stable as my parents and does not have the means to help us at all.  FI and I are paying for the rehearsal dinner, something that is usually paid for by groom's family, and we are both in school so money is not in abundance right now!  My question is, we are planning on getting my parents something very nice since thay have been so generous and helpful.  FI seems to think that his Mom should get a very nice gift too and I am a little bit resentful about this.  By the time we get married we will have been engaged for almost 11 months!  To me, that is enough time to save a little bit of money and as the groom's family contribute something, even if it was small ($100.00 towards the rehearsal).  Is it necessary to give her a gift when she has not contributed AT ALL?  Thoughts!?!?!

Calypso1977

no one's parents are obligated to pay for anything.  you shouldnt punish your in laws for being poor.  hell, even if they were rich, again, tehy have no obligation to pay any part of your wedding.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Look at the gift not as a thank you for wedding money, but as a thank you for being your parents. You know, supporting you, raising you, and guiding you to adulthood, so that both of you are now able to go out into the world and start your own family.

twilight.rose

She did raise the man you intend to spend the rest of your life with, so perhaps look at is as thanking her for that.

Parents are not required to help with any part of the wedding. I understand that you're giving your parents a gift as a "thank you" for their financial contribution, but I think, to avoid hard feelings as you start your life as her DIL, you should get your FMIL a gift as well (and it is clearly important to your FI to recognize his mother.)

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gifts-parents-not-helping-pay-expences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7add78d9-c499-4210-bcb0-03a964de0b9dPost:214a061c-1dfd-425a-abb8-162e5d28dd28">Gifts for parents that are not helping to pay for expences..</a>:
[QUOTE]My parents are footing the entire bill for us from start to finish...we are so thankful for their generosity!  My FMIL is not nearly financially stable as my parents and does not have the means to help us at all.  FI and I are paying for the rehearsal dinner, something that is usually paid for by groom's family, and we are both in school so money is not in abundance right now!  My question is, we are planning on getting my parents something very nice since thay have been so generous and helpful.  FI seems to think that his Mom should get a very nice gift too and I am a little bit resentful about this.  By the time we get married we will have been engaged for almost 11 months!  To me, that is enough time to save a little bit of money and as the groom's family contribute something, even if it was small ($100.00 towards the rehearsal).  Is it necessary to give her a gift when she has not contributed AT ALL?  Thoughts!?!?!
Posted by 1717kallan[/QUOTE]
Parent gifts have NOTHING to do with their financial contributions.  They are TY gifts for loving and  taking care of  their kids through the years.

Liberty27

Just playing devil's advocate here, but then how do you say thank to the parents who did pay for the wedding?  I mean, you should give them some token of gratitude right?

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gifts-parents-not-helping-pay-expences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7add78d9-c499-4210-bcb0-03a964de0b9dPost:214a061c-1dfd-425a-abb8-162e5d28dd28">Gifts for parents that are not helping to pay for expences..</a>:
[QUOTE]My parents are footing the entire bill for us from start to finish...we are so thankful for their generosity!  My FMIL is not nearly financially stable as my parents and does not have the means to help us at all.  FI and I are paying for the rehearsal dinner, something that is usually paid for by groom's family, and we are both in school so money is not in abundance right now!  My question is, we are planning on getting my parents something very nice since thay have been so generous and helpful.  FI seems to think that his Mom should get a very nice gift too and I am a little bit resentful about this.  By the time we get married we will have been engaged for almost 11 months!  To me, that is enough time to save a little bit of money and as the groom's family contribute something, even if it was small ($100.00 towards the rehearsal).  Is it necessary to give her a gift when she has not contributed AT ALL?  Thoughts!?!?!
Posted by 1717kallan[/QUOTE]

You haven't paid for ANYTHING...and you expect your FMIL to put aside money for your wedding?

You are a piece of work.

Beachy730

It is nice to do, but depends on when you plan on giving them their gifts.  I was in the exact same situation as you.  H's divorced parents couldn't afford to thelp with anything, which is fine, but they also didn't even contribute with any excitement or anything for the wedding and never offered to help with anything.  I know nobody is required to help with anything, so thats not the point I'm making at all, but you kinda expect your future in-laws to be excited or offer help or ask questions. 

Like you, my parents paid for most of our wedding, and H and I paid the rest.  My parents even did the RD.  We bought my parents really nice gifts (an amethyst and gold bracelet for my mom and and a gold engraved money clip for my dad).  We chose to give them these gifts at home before the RD so there were no hard feelings and nobody saw it.  At the RD we gave my parents and H's mom a nice wedding album that we bought at a jewelry store, that they can fill with their pictures.  Nobody knew that we got my parents something else.  Luckily though FI completely agreed with me that she only got something small.  But it saved her the hard feelings of seeing my parents get gorgeous gifts.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

Yeah - ditto PPs.  Maybe she isn't contributing monetarily but I'd say his parents deserve a gift, since without them you wouldn't be marrying the love of your life.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Just out of curiosity, when you got engaged, how did you expect to pay for a wedding if money is so tight right now? Did you just expect your respective parents to pony up?

Liberty27

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gifts-parents-not-helping-pay-expences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7add78d9-c499-4210-bcb0-03a964de0b9dPost:577a5ffb-2ee2-4303-9a4e-3ecdb995a495">Re: Gifts for parents that are not helping to pay for expences..</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah - ditto PPs.  Maybe she isn't contributing monetarily but I'd say his parents deserve a gift, since without them you wouldn't be marrying the love of your life.
Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeah, this is a huge generalization.  Not all parents are sent from God, I think it is something that OP just needs to make a judgement call on.  In hercase, because FI is hurt by it, give both parents their equal gifts, and then get your parents who are paying something else, and don't make a big display out of it.</div>

banana468

I don't think you should "punish" your FMIL for not contributing.  But I also understand if the gift you give those hosting the wedding is more expensive than one you give FMIL.

My advice: do gifts in private and do what you two think is best for each.  The woman raised your future husband though and I don't think that should be discounted.

1717kallan

I really didn't mean to offend anyone.  I know that parents are NOT obligated by any means to help!  And we are paying for the rehearsal dinner and inviting everyone on our guest list since it is a destination wedding for our guests.  We are even paying for FI's families hotel rooms for the weekend.  However, since my parents were so helpful we want to go above and beyond and splurge a bit and send them away for a weekend for a much needed vacation.  Yes, it is a thank you for being such great parents but it is also a special thank you for helping so much with the wedding. 

waltzingmatilda13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gifts-parents-not-helping-pay-expences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7add78d9-c499-4210-bcb0-03a964de0b9dPost:2f47020e-e8aa-4e67-a3b6-81d1e7a3ca0d">Re: Gifts for parents that are not helping to pay for expences..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gifts for parents that are not helping to pay for expences.. : Yeah, this is a huge generalization.  Not all parents are sent from God, I think it is something that OP just needs to make a judgement call on.  In hercase, because FI is hurt by it, give both parents their equal gifts, and then get your parents who are paying something else, and don't make a big display out of it.
Posted by Liberty27[/QUOTE]

WTF. No one said people's parents were perfect, but her FMIL did give birth to her FI and obviously raised him and he thinks his mom should be honored, rightfully so.

Liberty27

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gifts-parents-not-helping-pay-expences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7add78d9-c499-4210-bcb0-03a964de0b9dPost:1a7aee17-1205-4cac-b4d8-172ed97872af">Re: Gifts for parents that are not helping to pay for expences..</a>:
[QUOTE]I really didn't mean to offend anyone.  I know that parents are NOT obligated by any means to help!  And we are paying for the rehearsal dinner and inviting everyone on our guest list since it is a destination wedding for our guests.  We are even paying for FI's families hotel rooms for the weekend.  However, since my parents were so helpful we want to go above and beyond and splurge a bit and send them away for a weekend for a much needed vacation.  Yes, it is a thank you for being such great parents but it is also a special thank you for helping so much with the wedding. 
Posted by 1717kallan[/QUOTE]

<div>I think it sounds fine, and you should go a head and do what you had planned.  Also maybe get them albums or picture books (you can get them inexpensively from Shutterfly) for all the parents.  This is what we are going to do.</div>

Mrs.B6302007

HOw are you going to pay for them to go on a weekend get away?  Sometimes the simple things with heartfelt cards mean more than big gifts.

1717kallan

I agree with everyone that both parents should get a gift for the wedding.  We are planning on making photo albums for both that start with pictures of us as children with our respected families (growing up) and then the photos end with wedding pictures of us and our families.  I don't think though that we are obligated to send his Mom away for a weekend.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gifts-parents-not-helping-pay-expences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7add78d9-c499-4210-bcb0-03a964de0b9dPost:2f47020e-e8aa-4e67-a3b6-81d1e7a3ca0d">Re: Gifts for parents that are not helping to pay for expences..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gifts for parents that are not helping to pay for expences.. : Yeah, this is a huge generalization.  Not all parents are sent from God, I think it is something that OP just needs to make a judgement call on.  In hercase, because FI is hurt by it, give both parents their equal gifts, and then get your parents who are paying something else, and don't make a big display out of it.
Posted by Liberty27[/QUOTE]

Oh it definitely is a generalization - It just doesn't sound to me like the OP's mom is like, a horrifying witch who's ruining everyone's lives or something.  It sounds like her biggest problem is that she hasn't paid for anything - and that doesn't make her a bad person by any means, and certainly it doesn't earn her the slight of not being given a gift either - since she's under no obligation to pay.

L-Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gifts-parents-not-helping-pay-expences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7add78d9-c499-4210-bcb0-03a964de0b9dPost:214a061c-1dfd-425a-abb8-162e5d28dd28">Gifts for parents that are not helping to pay for expences..</a>:
[QUOTE]My parents are footing the entire bill for us from start to finish...we are so thankful for their generosity!  My FMIL is not nearly financially stable as my parents and does not have the means to help us at all.  FI and I are paying for the rehearsal dinner, something that is usually paid for by groom's family, and we are both in school so money is not in abundance right now!  My question is, we are planning on getting my parents something very nice since thay have been so generous and helpful.  FI seems to think that his Mom should get a very nice gift too and I am a little bit resentful about this.  By the time we get married we will have been engaged for almost 11 months!  To me, that is enough time to save a little bit of money and as the groom's family contribute something, even if it was small ($100.00 towards the rehearsal).  Is it necessary to give her a gift when she has not contributed<strong> AT ALL?  Thoughts!?!?!</strong>
Posted by 1717kallan[/QUOTE]

Why do you think it's her responsibility to pay for anything? Did you ever think that maybe his mom is embarrassed at all by not being able to help financially? Get her a gift princess and yes it should be nice.

banana468

I don't know that the OP is entirely out of line here.

If someone just spent thousands of dollars on DH and me and someone else was there for us throughout our lives but didn't just spend thousands of dollars on us, we'd thank the person who spent the ton in a different way. 

That doesn't mean that we'd ignore the person who spent less but it also means that the person spending so much does get something extra special.

Liberty27

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gifts-parents-not-helping-pay-expences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7add78d9-c499-4210-bcb0-03a964de0b9dPost:dc1541fd-a4ef-4009-9482-dfdda7261652">Re: Gifts for parents that are not helping to pay for expences..</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know that the OP is entirely out of line here. If someone just spent thousands of dollars on DH and me and someone else was there for us throughout our lives but didn't just spend thousands of dollars on us, we'd thank the person who spent the ton in a different way.  That doesn't mean that we'd ignore the person who spent less but it also means that the person spending so much does get something extra special.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

<div>This is what I was trying to say, but I am not quite as eloquent.</div>

L-Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gifts-parents-not-helping-pay-expences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7add78d9-c499-4210-bcb0-03a964de0b9dPost:dc1541fd-a4ef-4009-9482-dfdda7261652">Re: Gifts for parents that are not helping to pay for expences..</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know that the OP is entirely out of line here. If someone just spent thousands of dollars on DH and me and someone else was there for us throughout our lives but didn't just spend thousands of dollars on us, we'd thank the person who spent the ton in a different way.  That doesn't mean that we'd ignore the person who spent less but it also means that the person spending so much does get something extra special.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

I agree but she said she "resents" giving his mom something nice. That really irks me along with the fact that she capitalized the words "AT ALL" (regarding her Fi's mom not contributing) and is annoyed that 11 months was enough time for her to save up money for them. People like this disgust me.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gifts-parents-not-helping-pay-expences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7add78d9-c499-4210-bcb0-03a964de0b9dPost:dc1541fd-a4ef-4009-9482-dfdda7261652">Re: Gifts for parents that are not helping to pay for expences..</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know that the OP is entirely out of line here. If someone just spent thousands of dollars on DH and me and someone else was there for us throughout our lives but didn't just spend thousands of dollars on us, we'd thank the person who spent the ton in a different way.  That doesn't mean that we'd ignore the person who spent less but it also means that the person spending so much does get something extra special.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

Yes, this exactly.

And also, I think its wrong for everyone to just assume that this mother is so deserving of a gift.  Just because she gave birth to him doesn't mean that she had anything else to do with his life.  My MIL is a horrible role model to H and his brothers.  Divorced twice, instantly moving in with every new boyfriend, etc.  H is the first one to admit that he only is that man that he is now because his grandmother basicaly raised him, and because he joined the military.  Looking at his 2 younger brothers makes this completely obvious to me as well.  So no, MIL did not deserve a gift just because she gave birth to my H.  But we chose to give her something small at the RD, and it was the same thing she thinks my parents got.  And I fully think that yes, my parents deerve a better gift for all of their financial contributions, and emotional support as well throughout the wedding. 

melliott09

No need to apologize for your question! It's a valid one, and you will quickly learn that you need thick skin if you are going to post on this forum!!

Traditionally, YES, the grooms family pays for the RD, but sometimes there are circumstances that do not allow for that. Yes, FMIL raised FI into the man he is today, and you obviously love him, so I would get her a token of appreciation. (Although Mother's Day/Father's Day allows for you to "appreciate" your parents, a wedding isn't parent appreciation day) Does it need to be as "nice" as something you are getting your parents, who are contributing above and beyond, NO. I would personally do gifts separately. I wouldn't be upset with FI at all, and I wouldn't be upset in the least if FMIL couldn't pay anything, and it doesn't sound like you are.

waltzingmatilda13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gifts-parents-not-helping-pay-expences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7add78d9-c499-4210-bcb0-03a964de0b9dPost:3e7a3e0a-1e35-4188-a881-0ee5e9aa0942">Re: Gifts for parents that are not helping to pay for expences..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gifts for parents that are not helping to pay for expences.. : I agree but she said she "resents" giving his mom something nice. That really irks me along with the fact that she capitalized the words "AT ALL" (regarding her Fi's mom not contributing) and is annoyed that it 11 months was enough time for her to save up money for them. People like this disgust me.
Posted by L-Bride[/QUOTE]

This is my point as well.

Goldlie11

I really don't get it.  Every year I celebrate my mother on Mother's day.  That is when I thank her for all she has done.  If my mom did not contribute anything to the wedding (which I'm fine with), I wouldn't get her a gift.  Why would I?  Of course if she did do something for me, I would want to thank her for her contribution, help, and support.  

My mom said she will buy the dress and pay for a few things.  I'm going to get her and my step-father something.  I will give it to them in private, as we are not having a rehearsal.   That's it.  

noodle_oo

Didn't read all the comments but here is my 2 cents;  Your FI wants to get his mom a nice gift.  There is your answer. 

Your original post sounds awfully entitled.  Yes your parents are being extremely generous to pay for your wedding (LUCKY YOU, by the way!!!).  But to say that you are resentful that FI's mom isn't contributing and that "she should have saved up by now" just makes you sound awful.  Maybe YOU should have saved up and maybe YOU should have the wedding that you can afford and not expect other people to hand things to you.

Your FI wants to thank his mom too (which is a GOOD thing!) and I'm sure while he appreicates your parents financial contribution, he realizes that he's thanking his mom for much more than just the wedding.  Be a good person and get her a nice gift too.  And learn to be more appreciative while you are at it.

kayakrunhike

Since everyone else covered what I would have to comment on pretty well, I wanted to suggest this.  For presents for our parents we paid for them to have smaller albums from the photographer, with pictures of their choice in them.  It really meant a lot to both sets of parents, and maybe you could do something like this for your fMIL?  I understand wanting to go above and beyond for your parents, and this could be something your fMIL might really appreciate.  Obviously, it won't work for everyone.  You can always get something 'extra' for your parents, but I would also suggest giving them their present separately, if that is the case.

Meagan78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gifts-parents-not-helping-pay-expences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7add78d9-c499-4210-bcb0-03a964de0b9dPost:8d0a05e0-11af-499c-a9a3-88da640bb2a3">Re: Gifts for parents that are not helping to pay for expences..</a>:
[QUOTE]She did raise the man you intend to spend the rest of your life with, so perhaps look at is as thanking her for that.
Posted by twilight.rose[/QUOTE]

This.

marinabreeze

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_gifts-parents-not-helping-pay-expences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7add78d9-c499-4210-bcb0-03a964de0b9dPost:3b3addcf-d2b4-4f1e-a35f-77f7b7054d50">Re: Gifts for parents that are not helping to pay for expences..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Gifts for parents that are not helping to pay for expences.. : Yes, this exactly. And also, I think its wrong for everyone to just assume that this mother is so deserving of a gift.  Just because she gave birth to him doesn't mean that she had anything else to do with his life.  My MIL is a horrible role model to H and his brothers.  Divorced twice, instantly moving in with every new boyfriend, etc.  H is the first one to admit that he only is that man that he is now because his grandmother basicaly raised him, and because he joined the military.  Looking at his 2 younger brothers makes this completely obvious to me as well.  So no, MIL did not deserve a gift just because she gave birth to my H.  But we chose to give her something small at the RD, and it was the same thing she thinks my parents got.  And I fully think that yes, my parents deerve a better gift for all of their financial contributions, and emotional support as well throughout the wedding. 
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

But dnbeach, the OP did say that her FI wanted to get something for his mother, so chances are that his mother wasn't a bad person or a bad mother.  The complaint the OP had was not that FMIL was a bad mother, but that she didn't have money to contribute to the wedding.  I'm sorry to hear about the kind of mother your DH had, but this sounds like a totally different situation.

FI and I are paying for the wedding ourselves, but FFIL is providing the space for the ceremony/reception on his farm, which is more than helpful to us.  My mom is not as well off, and while she says she wants to contribute financially, I don't think she'll be able to (I am not depending on it and we have never asked).  Also, she's OOT so she can't really help out all like that with planning.  But at the same time I don't think she should be left out of getting a gift either.  Of course we will do something diffferent for FFIL than for my mom (and separately as well), but it doesn't mean that the level of wedding contribution should determine how worthy each parent (or set of parents) is to receive a gift.  Gifts are gifts because you give them out of love and appreciation, gifts are not tit-for-tat.

1717kallan

I wrote the original question.  To answer some of the responses:

My FMIL is a lovely women.  I am in no means implying that she is a hateful, mean-spirited woman.  My FI loves her so much and that is what matters.  She does have a job but she is unable to contribute.  I am FINE with that.   Looking back, I see how my original post was "entitled" and not appropriate and I wish that I could take it back.  I KNOW that parents are not obligated to pay for a reception and that was the origin of my post, I want to give my parents an extra thank you for helping so much.  However, there is always a back stary to each and every one of these posts that people don't know.  I 100% understand where people's negative opinions of me are coming from and if it were me I would have, most likely, repsponded inthe same manner.  Who is someone else to judge another, and that's what I was doing...  I was in the position and I agree with what every one said! 

I guess I should have explained in more detail... my FMIL should in no way be punished for things and I don't want to do that.  However, she does not have enough money to pay for things, which is understandable!  My FI and I are paying for her hotel room for Friday and Saturday night, we are paying for her to get her hair done at the salon and we have also bought her dress her the wedding.  I am not saying she doesn't "deserve" a wedding gift, of course she does, she had a major part in raising m yfuture husband to be (he was raised by both his Mom and Grandmother) and he turned out beyond wonderful.  He is an amazing, kind, wonderful human being and I am unbelievably lucky that I found hm.

I was just implying that beyond what we are already doing, is it necessary to give a weekend getaway...we are giving both my parents and his mom a photo album.  I would not give my parents the weekend getaway in front of my FMIL, that would hurt her feelings and that is honestly the last thing that I want to do.

I know that I caused quite a controversy in my original post and I wanted to clarify things.  Thank you for those that somewhat understood where I was coming from and thankyou to those that completely bashed me...those that bashed me reminded me that someone's feelings are the most important thing and to hurt my FMIL would in turn hurt my FI.

Please just remember, this is supposed to be a board where we can go on and get advice from one another...there is no need to attack.  If I sounded "entitiled" (which I did + I didn't mean to) just say "that's innapropriate..if I were you, I would...."  I know that you have to have thick skin here but we all have feelings and there is no need to put someone down.