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Etiquette

RSVP notations from guests

Hi ladies,

We've been receiving our RSVP cards back in the mail, and some have come back with notes on them.  Not just "can't wait to celebrate" or "sorry I can't be there", either.  Some have food/drink requests on them, and FI and I have differing opinions on how to handle this.

On two, we've gotten back specific food requests.  One said "no tomatoes" and one said "please no onions in my food".  From the two people that wrote these, I know it's not allergies (they're my mom's cousins, and there are no known allergies for them).  FI says we should accomodate them by asking the chef not to put the requested items in the salads. I say they are adults and can figure out how to not eat them, especially since it would mean impacting two tables' worth of food (we're are serving salads family style at the tables).  Thoughts?

The third request was "absolutely no alcohol on the table for me".  I don't know if that means at their place setting, on the table, or what, but the bar is open and the guest can have whatever they'd like...soda, juice, etc.  The toast is with sparkling cider, but there will be wine on the table.  Thoughts on how to handle?  Ignore it? I don't know why the guest made the request, but they don't HAVE to drink the wine on the table. 

I didn't realize that peopl would even make requests like this, so any help would be appreciated!
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Re: RSVP notations from guests

  • Maybe I'm an asshole but unless these people have serious dietary restrictions or severe allergies to these things I would completely ignore those notes.  These people are adults.  If there are onions on a salad, they can pick them off or not eat it.  If they don't want to drink alcohol, there is no one who would force them to do so.
    panther
  • I would ignore it. Once one big bowl comes to the table they will realize they were being stupid for thinking someone can cater to them.
  • Thanks ladies, that's what I was thinking, but I wanted to make sure I wasn't coming across as "that bride".  We have a boatload of allergies in the wedding party, so I'm super sensitive to the issue. I would have noticed an allergy with my mom's side of the family by now, it would have come up at prior events. 

    I'm fairly sure that the guest who doesn't want alcohol can ignore what's in front of her. I've had run ins with her before at events about alcohol, so I should have figured that this would be no different.
  • I agree with pps. If it's not an allergy, I'd ignore it. I'm guessing the guest who requested no alcohol on the table is struggling with a drinking problem? Just curious. I have sympathy, but my opinion stands that the request is out of line. I quit smoking, but I can't dictate to my hostess what to do about other smokers.
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  • I have never heard of someone doing that before.  Did you have main course selections on your RSVP cards?  That's the only time I could imagine someone even remotely thinking they could dictate what they're going to get.  Still weird and rude.
    Anniversary

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  • In Response to Re: RSVP notations from guests:
    [QUOTE]I agree with pps. If it's not an allergy, I'd ignore it. I'm guessing the guest who requested no alcohol on the table is struggling with a drinking problem? Just curious. I have sympathy, but my opinion stands that the request is out of line. I quit smoking, but I can't dictate to my hostess what to do about other smokers.
    Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]


    No, she just hates drinking in all forms.  She's been up in peoples faces before about drinking at events. She didn't even want a cake that had alcohol in it at a birthday party for someone else.  She's never had a drinking problem, no one in her family has (we've known her for about 55 years, it's not something that she grew up with).  She's just a one woman Prohibition movement.

    I'll just ignore it and let her figure it out when she sees wine on the table that she doesn't have to consume it.
  • MyUserName1MyUserName1 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its
    edited January 2012
    I'd accomodate allergies but not preferences.

    The alcohol, i think would depend.  If they are a recovering alcoholic, i would probably not have a bottle at their table. I think the chance of her falling off the wagon would outweigh the inconvenience of the others at their table having to go to the bar. If they are a teetotaler, they can sit at a table with a bottle of wine on it for a night without going to hell for it.

    ETA (posted at same time!) Ignore the alcohol lady. She can get over herself.

  • tenofcups4metenofcups4me member
    2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited January 2012
    Wow, you know some really presumptuous people. Since the salad is family style, I'd leave it as it is and they can pick around the tomatoes and onions. Same for the wine on the table. The guest doesn't have to pour any for herself and can decline if a waiter offers to pour it for her, but if it's on every table, then it's on her table too.

    What are the differing opinions you and FH have on how to deal with these requests? Does one of you want to actually accommodate them?
  • In Response to Re: RSVP notations from guests:
    [QUOTE]I have never heard of someone doing that before.  Did you have main course selections on your RSVP cards?  That's the only time I could imagine someone even remotely thinking they could dictate what they're going to get.  Still weird and rude.
    Posted by professorscience[/QUOTE]


    Yes, we did have two entree choices.  We decided at the last minute to offer two and give our guests the option.  It just said chicken or salmon though, not how it was prepared. 

    Again, I've got food allergies, and I literally cannot eat certain things without visiting my friendly neighborhood ER, but I would never put something on an RSVP card!!
  • Even in my strict vegetarian days, all I put on my RSVP if there was no option was "Vegetarian meal if possible, if not I'll eat the sides of an over-ordered meat dish".  So requests of that magnitude don't make sense to me.
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  • In Response to Re: RSVP notations from guests:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: RSVP notations from guests : No, she just hates drinking in all forms.  She's been up in peoples faces before about drinking at events. She didn't even want a cake that had alcohol in it at a birthday party for someone else.  She's never had a drinking problem, no one in her family has (we've known her for about 55 years, it's not something that she grew up with).  She's just a one woman Prohibition movement. I'll just ignore it and let her figure it out when she sees wine on the table that she doesn't have to consume it.
    Posted by chumlee7478[/QUOTE]

    My coworkers just looked at me funny for laughing aloud to your comment.  I think that might have been the best thing I've heard today.
    Oh, and yes, ignore any non-allergy requests.  I know I'm mean, but I'd have a blast seating these people together to watch it all go down.  In all seriousness, though, they'll get over it (and if they don't, that's on them, not you).
    Anniversary
  • In Response to Re: RSVP notations from guests:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: RSVP notations from guests :  I know I'm mean, but I'd have a blast seating these people together to watch it all go down. 
    Posted by Lobsters25[/QUOTE]

    I think that's a great idea to put them all at the same table!
  • In Response to Re: RSVP notations from guests:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: RSVP notations from guests : I think that's a great idea to put them all at the same table!
    Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]


    I think I might just do this....they are all related somehow, so it wouldn't be weird to do this.

    And yes, I think it will make them feel a bit awkward when they see the bowls of salad coming out to them.  We did the family style specifically so we didn't have to pick one salad for everyone. Now they all get their choice of 3. 
  • Chumlee, you have by far some of the most interesting guests I've heard of in a while, lol.

    I'd just ignore all of these requests, because nothing so far sounds legit.  If someone had an actual allergy, or an extreme distaste for a particular food (my cousin almost has a phobia of mushrooms because of a bad experience as a kid, so I would have accomodated that, for example).
    Anniversary
  • I feel we must apply Kant's categorical imperative to our guests' behavior in planning our weddings, or we will go insane trying to make each guest insanely happy. Kant's categorical imperative is basically: "If everyone did this, could society still function? If not, don't do it." Imagine if every guest had a special food or drink request. No caterer could accomodate, or your catering costs would be sky-high. (or your food would be terribly bland) So, ignore these special requests.

    We're ignoring even allergy concerns outside those paying for the wedding, except we'll be very open about the food plan before the wedding, so those with allergies can make other arrangements. My family has lots of allergies, and we don't expect them to be accomodated at social events. We eat before or discreetly bring our own food or go hungry and leave early.
  • " She's just a one woman Prohibition movement." Imao You know I love a BSC story and this one was great, thank you for this!
    image
  • I would prefer not having interesting guests, to be honest. Can't I just have a run of the mill wedding with run of the mill guests? Why do the oddballs fall out of the woodwork????
  • In Response to Re: RSVP notations from guests:
    [QUOTE]The teetotaler can go sit in the corner by herself.  I don't eat onions or tomatoes either, so I pick them off of salads.  You're good to go, Chumlee.  I was kind of hoping you got back some more fun notes like your great-aunt's.
    Posted by EaglesBride2012[/QUOTE]


    If get another one from someone like Dear old Aunt Gracie, I'll post it.  I'm not holding my breath, but maybe one of my mom's relatives has developed a sense of humor since last I saw them.
  • Well, in comparison to crazy text lady, these are nothing.  Just ignore it, they'll live.  But at least you have some interesting stories to share :)
    Anniversary
  • I hate onions with a passion and refuse to eat anything with them in it and I still would NEVER EVER write that on an RSVP card. How rude, I wouldn't accomidate them.
    If the lady is that against liqour than she shouldn't go to functions with liqour..end of story.
  • Well, if you're telling the people who might die if they eat your food that they might die, then it's a-okay, duh.

  • In Response to Re: RSVP notations from guests:
    [QUOTE]Well, in comparison to crazy text lady, these are nothing.  Just ignore it, they'll live.  But at least you have some interesting stories to share :)
    Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

    23 text messages!!!!!!!!!  Seriously, this is very entertaining....

    At work I had some crazy lady ask for us not to fill the pitcher all the way and give her small glass of Dr. Pepper instead....ya, found out that woman was the wife of H's friend and they were invited to the wedding....I kept teasing H that we are not providing Dr. Pepper so she better be prepared to bring her own.  B!tch didn't even show up to the wedding!
    November 2011 Siggy Challenge: The First Kiss
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  • In Response to Re: RSVP notations from guests:
    [QUOTE]I feel we must apply Kant's categorical imperative to our guests' behavior in planning our weddings, or we will go insane trying to make each guest insanely happy. Kant's categorical imperative is basically: "If everyone did this, could society still function? If not, don't do it." Imagine if every guest had a special food or drink request. No caterer could accomodate, or your catering costs would be sky-high. (or your food would be terribly bland) So, ignore these special requests. We're ignoring even allergy concerns outside those paying for the wedding, except we'll be very open about the food plan before the wedding, so those with allergies can make other arrangements. My family has lots of allergies, and we don't expect them to be accomodated at social events. We eat before or discreetly bring our own food or go hungry and leave early.
    Posted by ElisabethJoanne[/QUOTE]

    Good think my bridal party and I aren't coming to your wedding.

    You wouldn't have a head count, you'd have a body count. White bags, toe tags and all.
  • In Response to Re: RSVP notations from guests:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: RSVP notations from guests : but they're going to be open with the food plan before the wedding so that makes it OK...
    Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

    As long as you warn people in advance that you're going to ignore their health concerns and serve them things that could potentially harm or kill them, it's cool, right?
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  • edited January 2012
    If you're already accommodating nine different allergens, would it really kill you to accommodate the last three?  Seriously, I just don't get this.

    ETA: ElisabethJoanne posted a list of allergens she was accommodating (nine total, including nuts, chocolate, celery, and other stuff I don't remember), and a list of three foods plus diabetes that she is not accommodating.  That post appears to have disappeared now though.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited January 2012
    Ignore the alcohol lady.

    As far as the other two requests.  IDK, maybe I'm just a nice person.   I know one person who is allergic to raw tomatoes and another who is allergic to the rind of an onion. Both which were discovered later in life (in their 50s).    I knew about these in advance and told the chef so their salads were accommodated.  It took all of 2 minutes to shoot the chef an email with the request and the table number. 

    Since the guests do not know how things are being prepared, I do not think their requests are really that unreasonable.   Taking  onions off a salad is not a big deal for some, but if one of the dishes is cooked and smothered in onions, well that could be a completely different story.

    FWIW - I know countless people who develop allergies later in life, so I would double check that this is not just a picker eater.  After years of having problems it was finally discovered my sister is allergic to garlic.  Deadly?  No, but it causes her a lot of issues that she would just rather not deal with.  I would hate for one of my guests not eat because they were trying to be polite and didn't want to bother telling me something that in most cases is easily accommodated.








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I was wondering how this thread grew and now I know. Elisabeth.

    No words.
  • Midge doesn't like someone!  That made my day (:

  • We've dealt with deadly food allergies in my family for decades. Never once has an allergic reaction arisen during a social event, and never once have we asked for special accomodations at a social event. We just don't eat suspicious foods. If everything is suspicious, we don't eat. Often, we eat before social events. We understand that to be served food is not to be forced to eat it, especially if we can politely explain to our dining companions that we're allergic. If it's a food allergy, only eating it is harmful.

    If just being in the same room as the allergen is harmful, then it's an environmental allergy. I don't know theknot consensus on environmental allergies. Grass is a very common environmental allergy, but there's no theknot consensus against outdoor weddings. We expect guests to deal or decline if they can't deal. My family takes the same approach with our long list of food allergies.
  • In Response to Re: RSVP notations from guests:
    [QUOTE]Maybe I'm an asshole but unless these people have serious dietary restrictions or severe allergies to these things I would completely ignore those notes.  These people are adults.  If there are onions on a salad, they can pick them off or not eat it.  If they don't want to drink alcohol, there is no one who would force them to do so.
    Posted by AllAboutTheBenjamin[/QUOTE]

    Then I guess I'm an asshole too b/c that's exactly what I think.

    As for the no-alcohol on the table RSVP, they can't tell you what not to make available for the entire table. They're not being forced to drink anything. As long as there are non-alcoholic choices available (other than water) I see no issue.
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