So on the topic of small ceremony/large reception...

Ghoti

What the heck is the point of this? I always thought that all the money was in the reception anyway? So if you plan on feeding 200 people, how can it cost that much more to find a place big enough to seat 200 people? What am I missing here?

Beachy730

Its usually because people have their heart set on a certain church or ceremony site that only holds a certain amount.  But they want to have a huge party and invite everyone so they bring gifts.  I also don't understand this.  Not that I justify any situation that does a tiered wedding, but at least I can understand why people would want more at the ceremony than the reception, because the ceremony is the cheap part.

tidetravel

I'm with you.  In a lot of the cases that I hear, it's because the couple wanted a small wedding, and the family wanted a big one, or one partner wanted a small one, the other wanted a large one.  It's usually a compromise, and one that I think only works with a VERY limited guest list.

kikibaby

I'll never understand.  We wanted a small ceremony, so... we had 11 guests at both the ceremony and reception. 

I guess it's all about gifts.

marinabreeze

Good question.  I agree with dnbeach, it seems that a lot of the time (especially if it's like ceremony 40-100 people, reception 200), it's because the couple has their heart set on a ceremony venue with limited seating, but still want the big bash for the reception with the gifts and money.  Sometimes compromise is part of it too.  I guess, though, that a fair number of people don't get that the chief purpose of a reception is to thank the guests for coming to the ceremony.  So therefore, the guest list for both -should- match up. 

To be honest, I can't say I'm a huge fan of private ceremony - big reception, although it's not a breach of etiquette, and in some religions, like LDS temple marriages, it's pretty much a requirement.  But in general, I think that people need to choose what is important - the intimacy of a small affair or the big-bash quality of a larger affair, or something in-between but still consistent with ceremony # = reception #.  That's just my .02.

akhensley81

I would never do this (and I didn't)... but some friends of mine getting married next month are. They're having a small, JOP ceremony at the courthouse with just their family. And they've invited 150+ people to the reception afterwards.

And yes, I was "that person" who asked the groom (he's a good friend of ours) if we could come to the courthouse to watch. I got shot down. Oh well.

AdeleDazeem

Blah.  I'm consistently on the other side of the arguement, so I'll state my case.

I'm a very private person.  (I've been on this site for nearly a year and a half and I'm sure very few of you know a lot about me.)  I was very uncomfortable sharing a rather emotional and personal ceremony with my mother's friends or dad's work associates.  It just doesn't seem right to me.  Some people don't see it that way, but I find the ceremony to be personal and private.

My fiance and I wanted parents and siblings only at our wedding.  That amounts to 11 people plus the two of us = 13 people at the ceremony and dinner following.  We're getting married out of the US.

I am more than happy to party and celebrate this big change in our lives with our friends and extended family because it IS a big deal.  This is why we're throwing a party about a month after we get home for a large amount of people.  I am fully aware that some people don't like how we've chosen to do things.  I appreciate that people here have pointed it out so I'm prepared for it.  We also have no plans to register and if I was allowed to write "no gifts please" on the invitation, I would.  But since I can't... we're not registering and trying to spread that thought word of mouth.

Our desire to do things this way has nothing to do with gifts or ceremony venue, or general selfishness on our part.  We would have left it at the DW but my parents were scandalized at the thought of no large party.  They want to pay for said party and are happy to accomodate our small ceremony.  It's a compromise on all sides.

Some people really don't want a large ceremony for whatever reason.  Not everyone is a selfish, gold-digging bride and groom who want more gifts and not all couples have their heart set of an inadequate ceremony site.  Some have really thought their decisions.  I swear. 

EDIT: long day at work ahead for me since if anyone responds to this, it may take me some time to get back to you.

crfische

I had a small ceremony and big reception.

My husband is a super private and spiritual person. If he had it his way, we would have gotten married alone in the woods somewhere. I am not this way. At all. Our compromise was to keep the ceremony small with our family only, and then hold a reception so we could celebrate with our friends the same day after the ceremony was over where we fed and boozed everyone for 6 hours.

I don't get why people get their panties in such a wad over it. Why is it SO IMPORTANT for you to to be present for my vows? I don't say them for you. I made them to my husband and he made his to me, and ya know...god and all that.

I couldn't have cared less about gifts. We got married when we were 28 and 32. We both have good jobs and we had everything we needed for our house. I didn't care if I got gifts or not. I did care that I got to celebrate with my friends and family after saying vows that as a couple we chose to be private with our families.

crfische

I will also say that up until recently, the standard line on the etiquette board was that as long as you fed and boozed people, and it was truly an intimate ceremony, that a small ceremony/big reception was acceptable. But you couldn't have a big ceremony and small reception.

I'm not quite sure what happened around here for people to change their minds.

I'm also curious if those of you who are SO AGAINST it are also against AHR's, too, I would assume?

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_topic-of-small-ceremonylarge-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7cf1e44b-ec66-4b30-8fbd-2e55139b152aPost:33d1bdd7-606b-498a-9637-325c5a752c98">Re: So on the topic of small ceremony/large reception...</a>:
[QUOTE]I will also say that up until recently, the standard line on the etiquette board was that as long as you fed and boozed people, and it was truly an intimate ceremony, that a small ceremony/big reception was acceptable. But you couldn't have a big ceremony and small reception. I'm not quite sure what happened around here for people to change their minds. I'm also curious if those of you who are SO AGAINST it are also against AHR's, too, I would assume?
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]
Fishy - I don't think OP is against it - I think it really was just a question of curiosity.  FWIW, it stems from a post a few threads down in which the bride wants an "intimate" ceremony of 40 people, and then a party with 150.  Everyone there recommended that she could do that, providing it was truly and intimate ceremony, which obviously wasn't the case.

crfische

I was addressing everyone in the thread, and not just the OP, but was also trying to give the OP a reason that someone would make that decision and that it's not all about being a gift grabby hoar.

akhensley81

After reading your response fische, I totally see your point.

I'd like to ammend my comment to include that I would never do this because, for me, it was important that everyone was at least invited to come and watch us take our vows. But I do understand that the vows are an intimate and personal promise between 2 people, and if those 2 people don't want every person they know watching - I see nothing wrong with that.

andy71781

I think that big ceremony and small reception is the only situation (besides vow or the ever dreaded vowel renewal ppp day) that gets me riled up.  I do give an ever so slight side eye to AHRs. 

emilyinchile

Fishy, I have no problem with a truly intimate ceremony and a party afterward. Much as I like watching my friends get married, I don't need to see the vows to feel happy for them, so I wouldn't mind that at all. I've seen other people say that too.

However if you start picking and choosing friends to go to the ceremony, my feelings would be hurt if I were only invited to the reception not because it is SO important to me to watch your ceremony but because you are clearly saying that Jenny is good enough to be there and I'm not.

crfische

Oh yeah, I totally get that some people do it wrong, but some people do big weddings wrong, too.

It's the generalization about the whole concept that bugs me. It's like saying everyone who invited over 100 people to their wedding is gift grabby. I don't think that's true, but it's the same line of thinking.

It's the jumping to conclusions that everything everyone does is for the gifts. That could be said for every wedding. I get that some people really do that, but for a lot of people, believe it or not, they just want to celebrate with people that they care about whether they bring a gift or not.

hccpsu

We had a DW with only our parents in attendance, and a reception a month later.  It wasn't about the gifts--it was about people wanting to celebrate our wedding.
I didn't get married until I was 45, and my DH was a widower.  Our family and friends were so excited for us they couldn't imagine the idea of us not wanting a celebration--they were ecstatic that I'd finally found someone, and that DH found someone after suffering such a terrible loss at a young age.

DH's late wife was extremely shy and didn't want a big ceremony because she couldn't speak in front of crowds, so they had a church ceremony with only immediate family.  DH wasn't comfortable with a big ceremony, either, although by the time we married, he would have been able to handle it had I wanted one.  After the ceremony they had a dinner at DH's parents' house for the extended family and some friends--I think it was maybe 75 people.  No dancing, toasts, cake cutting, etc, because again, she was too shy for that.

And I don't know why people say the ceremony is the "cheap" part of the wedding--my church would have been $1000.  Add to that flowers, photography, etc., and we aren't talking a drop in the bucket.

Another reason we didn't have the big ceremony was because we have several family members with tight finances, and we knew they would feel obligated to attend a big wedding, and they'd be spending money they couldn't afford.  We knew that by doing the DW and then the reception, that took the pressure off them.

I personally have no interest in watching people exchange wedding vows--it's something that's personal between the two of them.  I go to the ceremonies because it's rude not to, but I don't understand why so many people here would be upset at being excluded from something that has nothing to do with them.  I guess the only time I understand being upset at being excluded is if the ceremony isn't much smaller than the reception.

Ghoti

Hey everyone! I do see the point in a very intimate wedding, kinda. It still seems like if you want everyone to celebrate your nuptuals, why wouldn't you want them there to see them? It's not really a debate question, as I understand everyone is different, it's just my POV on the subject I want an intimate wedding, FI wants a bigger one, so we're compromising at 40 for both.

Katelyn, yes its one and the same. I still read it as Goatee though even though I know better!!!

Ghoti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_topic-of-small-ceremonylarge-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7cf1e44b-ec66-4b30-8fbd-2e55139b152aPost:6c07a7bb-ffa1-4b8c-9283-3535965b289b">Re: So on the topic of small ceremony/large reception...</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh yeah, I totally get that some people do it wrong, but some people do big weddings wrong, too. It's the generalization about the whole concept that bugs me. It's like saying everyone who invited over 100 people to their wedding is gift grabby. I don't think that's true, but it's the same line of thinking. <strong>It's the jumping to conclusions that everything everyone does is for the gifts.</strong> That could be said for every wedding. I get that some people really do that, but for a lot of people, believe it or not, they just want to celebrate with people that they care about whether they bring a gift or not.
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]
Here, you need to give this out when you see that-

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crfische

I kind of love you for bringing that out.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_topic-of-small-ceremonylarge-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7cf1e44b-ec66-4b30-8fbd-2e55139b152aPost:6c07a7bb-ffa1-4b8c-9283-3535965b289b">Re: So on the topic of small ceremony/large reception...</a>:
[QUOTE] It's the jumping to conclusions that everything everyone does is for the gifts.
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I don't feel that way about it (I know some people do, just sharing my opinion). My mind doesn't immediately think "you want presents!" it thinks "you have your head up your ass thinking about your ideal wedding and are not taking 5 seconds to think about how your friends are going to feel, stop being stupid."

Ghoti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_topic-of-small-ceremonylarge-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7cf1e44b-ec66-4b30-8fbd-2e55139b152aPost:f714d972-20b8-494d-b8c3-0690bd4cdf64">Re: So on the topic of small ceremony/large reception...</a>:
[QUOTE]I kind of love you for bringing that out.
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

I kinda love you for your pilgrim Pam.

AdeleDazeem

Because Fische said it was so ... everyone agreed.  Haha.

AdeleDazeem

Eh... we all have our quirks.  I like privacy.  :-)

I just think it's funny that you and I said the same thing (after many posts of "I know!  They're so ridiculous!") and then all who posted after were like "yes, Fische.  That makes sense.  Thank you for explaining."  I had to laugh a little.

Bubbalub

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_topic-of-small-ceremonylarge-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7cf1e44b-ec66-4b30-8fbd-2e55139b152aPost:057fdbdb-7276-424e-aeaa-e0b680608edf">Re: So on the topic of small ceremony/large reception...</a>:
[QUOTE]Because Fische said it was so ... everyone agreed.  Haha.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I agree, but not because fische said it. Thanks for making that assumption. *rolls eyes*</div><div>
</div><div>Emile stated it exactly how I would. I don't think about the gifts or anything. I also don't mind a truly intimate ceremony followed by a large party. Some people are just really private like that and I'm cool with that. But when someone invites 1/2 the guest list to the ceremony and the other half to only the reception, that pisses me off for the reasons Emile stated.</div><div>
</div><div>I also don't mind AHRs.

</div>

Bubbalub

stupid freaking double post.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_topic-of-small-ceremonylarge-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7cf1e44b-ec66-4b30-8fbd-2e55139b152aPost:33d1bdd7-606b-498a-9637-325c5a752c98">Re: So on the topic of small ceremony/large reception...</a>:
[QUOTE]I will also say that up until recently, the standard line on the etiquette board was that as long as you fed and boozed people, and it was truly an intimate ceremony, that a small ceremony/big reception was acceptable. But you couldn't have a big ceremony and small reception. I'm not quite sure what happened around here for people to change their minds. I'm also curious if those of you who are SO AGAINST it are also against AHR's, too, I would assume?
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

I have no problem with family only ceremonies.  I don't like when people say "we booked a ceremony site that can only hold 80, but our guest list is at 150, so how do we only invite them to the reception?"  I have no problem with small intimate ceremonies.  I just think its dumb to purposely book a site that can only hold half your guest list, so you don't invite people to the ceremony because of that.

And FWIW, I wouldnt' really care if I was only invited to the reception.  I would probably wonder why I wasn't invited to the ceremony if they didn't say it was a private ceremony, but other than that, the food and drink is what I most look forward too. 

I don't mind AHR when they are low-key picnic type parties.  I don't like when people plan a huge AHR where they have BMs, first dances, cake cutting, speeches, etc.  And also,I really just don't understand the point of that, other than getting married somewhere solely for the scenery.  I always thought people did DW because they were easier to plan and cheaper, but when you throw a huge AHR after thats like a regular wedding reception, thats the expensive part.  

Edit: to make sense.  I'm typing too fast too early. 

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_topic-of-small-ceremonylarge-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7cf1e44b-ec66-4b30-8fbd-2e55139b152aPost:9a69e8e3-dc46-4006-a54e-d96456832230">Re: So on the topic of small ceremony/large reception...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So on the topic of small ceremony/large reception... : I agree, but not because fische said it. Thanks for making that assumption. *rolls eyes*
Posted by Bubbalub[/QUOTE]

It was a joke, bubba.  Relax.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_topic-of-small-ceremonylarge-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7cf1e44b-ec66-4b30-8fbd-2e55139b152aPost:feee858f-3417-4960-a780-6d00f3b838b8">Re: So on the topic of small ceremony/large reception...</a>:
[QUOTE]Eh... we all have our quirks.  I like privacy.  :-) I just think it's funny that you and I said the same thing (after many posts of "I know!  They're so ridiculous!") and then all who posted after were like "yes, Fische.  That makes sense.  Thank you for explaining."  I had to laugh a little.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

Thats not what my reasoning was.  OP sounded like she was referring to people who want to invite like 80 to a ceremony, and 150 to a reception.  Fishy brought up a differnet point where people have an intimate family ceremony and then a big reception.  I've said many times on here that I don't mind that.  So, no, I didn't change my mind only because Fishy said so. 

Lkientz

Wow, I didn't realize my question would have this type of response. Originally, I was asking how I would go about the wording on my invitations, not who I should be asking to what and why. I do realize however that I put this on a blog (or whatever you wish to call this), and requested opinions so I accept them all.

I think it's funny that some people here choose to make assumptions on how I made this decision, why I would do this, how my friends would feel, etc. The fact is that you don't know me or my friends or family. To celebrate my wedding, I am choosing to do this with family and my wedding party only (to me, this is intimate and you can have your own definition of intimate if you would like). I have a pretty large family, in fact it totals about 35 alone, mainly since my aunt had five children and they all have children of their own. My fiancé’s family is smaller, but our wedding ceremony for family and wedding party will likely be around 40-50 people total. This is what we choose to do. Not that it's any of anyone's business as well, but there are many factors for us making this decision. One being, we love this church, it's unbelievable and looks almost out of a fairy tale. My fiancé also has anxiety and his worst fear for the wedding is that people will see his hands shaking when he puts the ring on my finger. If he feels more comfortable and at ease on his wedding day to just have this part in front of family, then I am completely and utterly fine with that. This is our day and our way to celebrate our love, in front of God and our families.

The other side, is that I want to celebrate with my friends. I was in a sorority and have met some of the most amazing women I could imagine and have kept many girl friends from high school and before. I want to celebrate with these women and their significant others following our wedding ceremony. I am not choosing some friends to come while leaving others out (I also have never stated that, implied that or anything - I agree this would be rude). I also work in a small office and am close to my co-workers and would love to see them and celebrate. Including just my close friends and co-workers alone equal roughly 60 people so add that to the already 50 or so from the ceremony and my fiancé’s friends and we have our 150. I'm not going to put my fiancé through a wedding ceremony in front of 150 people because he wouldn't feel comfortable and this would make it even worse than the 40 or so family members. This day is his as well and I want him to enjoy every aspect.

So, I completely agree with some of the statements above about there being many reasons to do this and trust me, in most cases it's probably not about getting more gifts (if you're the type of person who is that greedy then you probably wouldn't have many people to invite in the first place). And, since our friends know us they also know how I feel about being the center of attention (which is just uncomfortable and awkward) and also how my fiancé feels when put in front of an audience, trust me they all understand and there are no hurt feelings or bad wishes. I am just excited to see each of them and I’m sure they are all just excited to celebrate our love and our marriage.  

Well, after that rant, this will be my one and only ever blog post (again or whatever you want to call this forum), and I would recommend that possibly that when someone else new to this world posts a question, you refrain from jumping to conclusions on why or how they make their decisions and what type of person they are because chances are that you don’t know their full story and they really are just asking a simple question. Thanks Knot…I’m outta here!  

emilyinchile

Psst, Bubba - it's Emily. No big deal, but I think I've seen you call me Emile before, so I thought I'd mention it

kikibaby

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_topic-of-small-ceremonylarge-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7cf1e44b-ec66-4b30-8fbd-2e55139b152aPost:5a62b90b-7f50-4503-a46a-bb66ea5702fd">Re: So on the topic of small ceremony/large reception...</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, I didn't realize my question would have this type of response. Originally, I was asking how I would go about the wording on my invitations, not who I should be asking to what and why. I do realize however that I put this on a blog (or whatever you wish to call this), and requested opinions so I accept them all. I think it's funny that some people here choose to make assumptions on how I made this decision, why I would do this, how my friends would feel, etc. The fact is that you don't know me or my friends or family. To celebrate my wedding, I am choosing to do this with family and my wedding party only (to me, this is intimate and you can have your own definition of intimate if you would like). I have a pretty large family, in fact it totals about 35 alone, mainly since my aunt had five children and they all have children of their own. My fiancé’s family is smaller, but our wedding ceremony for family and wedding party will likely be around 40-50 people total. This is what we choose to do. Not that it's any of anyone's business as well, but there are many factors for us making this decision. One being, we love this church, it's unbelievable and looks almost out of a fairy tale. My fiancé also has anxiety and his worst fear for the wedding is that people will see his hands shaking when he puts the ring on my finger. If he feels more comfortable and at ease on his wedding day to just have this part in front of family, then I am completely and utterly fine with that. This is our day and our way to celebrate our love, in front of God and our families. The other side, is that I want to celebrate with my friends. I was in a sorority and have met some of the most amazing women I could imagine and have kept many girl friends from high school and before. I want to celebrate with these women and their significant others following our wedding ceremony. I am not choosing some friends to come while leaving others out (I also have never stated that, implied that or anything - I agree this would be rude). I also work in a small office and am close to my co-workers and would love to see them and celebrate. Including just my close friends and co-workers alone equal roughly 60 people so add that to the already 50 or so from the ceremony and my fiancé’s friends and we have our 150. I'm not going to put my fiancé through a wedding ceremony in front of 150 people because he wouldn't feel comfortable and this would make it even worse than the 40 or so family members. This day is his as well and I want him to enjoy every aspect. So, I completely agree with some of the statements above about there being many reasons to do this and trust me, in most cases it's probably not about getting more gifts (if you're the type of person who is that greedy then you probably wouldn't have many people to invite in the first place). And, since our friends know us they also know how I feel about being the center of attention (which is just uncomfortable and awkward) and also how my fiancé feels when put in front of an audience, trust me they all understand and there are no hurt feelings or bad wishes. I am just excited to see each of them and I’m sure they are all just excited to celebrate our love and our marriage.   Well, after that rant, this will be my one and only ever blog post (again or whatever you want to call this forum), and I would recommend that possibly that when someone else new to this world posts a question, you refrain from jumping to conclusions on why or how they make their decisions and what type of person they are because chances are that you don’t know their full story and they really are just asking a simple question. Thanks Knot…I’m outta here!  
Posted by Lkientz[/QUOTE]

Somebody sure thinks we care more about them than we do!  This topic comes up a lot on this board... this post was not about you, FYI.  But you're out, so whatever.  Good luck with life.