Being Forced to Participate in my Brother's wedding when he refused to participate in Mine

lindseyl06

My brother is getting married to his baby mama in Oct. 2012. We just met this girl last yr Oct. 2010 and she was already pregnant when we met her. Then this past Feb he proposed to her. Well My fiance's 1st proposal was in Sept 2010. I did say yes and we had set the date for April 2012 but a month later we found out we were having a baby so we reset the date to April 2013. I had wanted my brother to be an usher in my wedding but he refused to be in my wedding and didnt give me a reason why. I didnt dwell on it but his fiance' (didnt ask me by the way) made me her bridesmaid and trying to have my girls in the wedding too. First of all, I dont work and Im trying to save on my own wedding. They've set their date for Oct. 2012... I dk where because the place she was saying she was having it is booked and has been booked for quite some time. The point is Im not that close to her to be spending money on their wedding when I could be saving that money for mine especially since she never properly asked me. I told my mother about this and she said it will be fine that I should be in her wedding and it would be rude for me not to be (when I think its rude she just added a $600 at least price tag for me to be in hers without asking me). I also think why doesnt my mother think its not rude for my brother to refuse to be in my wedding. My fiance and I have been together 4 yrs and my brother and his fiance' have been together a yr now. I cant afford this price tag and really dont want to because that could go to my wedding. What should I do?

MyUserName1

1) You sound very judgemental.  You should think about that.

2) Give the bride a budget for how much you can spend on a dress.  Then don't spend more.

3) Be the bigger person.

Habs2Hart

First of all, don't call her your brother's baby mama.  She is his fiancee.  Be respectful.

Secondly, the amount of time they've been together is of no concern to this.  It makes you sound judgemental and bitter.

Thirdly, if you absolutely cannot afford to be in the wedding, tell them that.  Be a grown up and make grown up choices.  Nobody can force you to do things you don't want to do. 

mandysmear

years and dates don't matter. 

don't rock the boat.  just do it.  ask her to please try to keep in mind that you are saving for your own wedding as well when choosing dresses and what not.

it's not worth the family drama.  believe me.

WildRumpus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-forced-participate-brothers-wedding-refused-participate-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7fb9fe06-08f7-4714-9270-862c5f80ab7dPost:a4ddf127-88ca-4cd8-8f68-a15abf74da83">Being Forced to Participate in my Brother's wedding when he refused to participate in Mine</a>:
[QUOTE]My brother is getting married to his baby mama in Oct. 2012. We just met this girl last yr Oct. 2010 and she was already pregnant when we met her. Then this past Feb he proposed to her. Well My fiance's 1st proposal was in Sept 2010. I did say yes and we had set the date for April 2012 but a month later we found out we were having a baby so we reset the date to April 2013. I had wanted my brother to be an usher in my wedding but he refused to be in my wedding and didnt give me a reason why. I didnt dwell on it but his fiance' (didnt ask me by the way) made me her bridesmaid and trying to have my girls in the wedding too. First of all, I dont work and Im trying to save on my own wedding. They've set their date for Oct. 2012... I dk where because the place she was saying she was having it is booked and has been booked for quite some time. The point is Im not that close to her to be spending money on their wedding when I could be saving that money for mine especially since she never properly asked me. I told my mother about this and she said it will be fine that I should be in her wedding and it would be rude for me not to be (when I think its rude she just added a $600 at least price tag for me to be in hers without asking me). I also think why doesnt my mother think its not rude for my brother to refuse to be in my wedding. My fiance and I have been together 4 yrs and my brother and his fiance' have been together a yr now. I cant afford this price tag and really dont want to because that could go to my wedding. What should I do?
Posted by lindseyl06[/QUOTE]

You're an adult. No one is FORCING you to participate. Tell FSIL that due to money being tight, and budgetting for your own wedding, that you and your girls won't be able to be part of the wedding party, but that you look forward to attending as a guest.

calibud8

If you want to be in your brother's wedding, be in it but let them know of our budgetary restrictions.

What I'm hearing is a lot of spite.  He won't be in yours so you won't be in his.
And a lot of jealousy...they are getting married first.

His day won't overshadow your day.  You should try to have some happiness for your brother.

mandysmear

oh and.  may i point out that you are also a "baby mama" now. 

lindseyl06

Thanks I will tell her this!

Habs2Hart

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-forced-participate-brothers-wedding-refused-participate-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7fb9fe06-08f7-4714-9270-862c5f80ab7dPost:82768867-2772-450f-b072-04d22ffd3f84">Re: Being Forced to Participate in my Brother's wedding when he refused to participate in Mine</a>:
[QUOTE]oh and.  may i point out that you are also a "baby mama" now. 
Posted by mandysmear[/QUOTE]

Touché!

Meg1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-forced-participate-brothers-wedding-refused-participate-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7fb9fe06-08f7-4714-9270-862c5f80ab7dPost:90f8bac8-7460-4ba4-9f06-99a37b8e51f2">Re: Being Forced to Participate in my Brother's wedding when he refused to participate in Mine</a>:
[QUOTE]First of all, don't call her your brother's baby mama.  She is his fiancee.  Be respectful. Secondly, the amount of time they've been together is of no concern to this.  It makes you sound judgemental and bitter. Thirdly, if you absolutely cannot afford to be in the wedding, tell them that.  Be a grown up and make grown up choices.  Nobody can force you to do things you don't want to do. 
Posted by Habs2Hart[/QUOTE]

All of this.  I must have missed the part where she held a gun to your head to make you be in the wedding.  Just say no.

ast.meghan

It doesn't matter how long you and your FI have been together and how long your brother and his FI have been together and should not have a bearing on whether or not you are in their wedding.  

Should she has asked you to be a BM instead of just assuming - yes.  Do you HAVE to be a BM - No.  Just politely explain to her and your brother why you can't be in their wedding.  You said that you weren't all that close to them, perhaps she's trying to change that?  Bottom line, just talk to them.  

redheadfsu

Tell her you can't afford to be in the wedding. She is just assuming you are going to be in the wedding, she isn't forcing you ( unless I missed the part about a gun to your head) But I doubt lack of money is the real reason. Sounds like you just dislike her. Try to be nice as she will be your sister in law. But whatever, if you don't want to play nice, don't.

lindseyl06

Im feeling like my brother and my mom are trying to force me to really like this girl when Im not the type to cling onto new people. I will accept her as my FSIL I just cant stand the way they try 2 MAKE us spend time together and try and make us bond. My mom thinks we have alot in common just because of our age... First of all I am 3 yrs older than she is and no, we really dont have anything in common. I do spend time with her but really in my head Im thinking what excuse can I use 2 leave. I like her... its just that we dont have anything in common at all!

lindseyl06

Yes he did propose to me more than once. His first proposal was without a ring and his 2nd was with the ring.

MyUserName1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-forced-participate-brothers-wedding-refused-participate-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7fb9fe06-08f7-4714-9270-862c5f80ab7dPost:5dc048d3-889f-4c2a-bf8c-e5fc21487109">Re: Being Forced to Participate in my Brother's wedding when he refused to participate in Mine</a>:
[QUOTE]Im feeling like my brother and my mom are trying to force me to really like this girl when Im not the type to cling onto new people. I will accept her as my FSIL I just cant stand the way they try 2 MAKE us spend time together and try and make us bond. My mom thinks we have alot in common just because of our age... First of all <strong>I am 3 yrs older than she is</strong> and no, we really dont have anything in common. I do spend time with her <strong>but really in my head Im thinking what excuse can I use 2 leave.</strong> I like her... its just that we dont have anything in common at all!
Posted by lindseyl06[/QUOTE]

That's charming.

J&K10910

What kind of gun is it?

You know, the one they're holding to your head to FORCE you into this?

redheadfsu

Sounds like she just wants to get to know you and is trying to be nice. I would bet the poor girl thinks you don't like her, so your brother and mother are just trying to help.

ast.meghan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-forced-participate-brothers-wedding-refused-participate-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7fb9fe06-08f7-4714-9270-862c5f80ab7dPost:281a1827-2f33-4fca-a9ac-e524f58ab839">Re: Being Forced to Participate in my Brother's wedding when he refused to participate in Mine</a>:
[QUOTE]Sounds like she just wants to get to know you and is trying to be nice. I would bet the poor girl thinks you don't like her, so your brother and mother are just trying to help.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

<div>I second this.  You sound somewhat judgemental - take a step back and try to see things from her perspective.</div>

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-forced-participate-brothers-wedding-refused-participate-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7fb9fe06-08f7-4714-9270-862c5f80ab7dPost:5dc048d3-889f-4c2a-bf8c-e5fc21487109">Re: Being Forced to Participate in my Brother's wedding when he refused to participate in Mine</a>:
[QUOTE]Im feeling like my brother and my mom are trying to force me to really like this girl when Im not the type to cling onto new people. I will accept her as my FSIL I just cant stand the way they try 2 MAKE us spend time together and try and make us bond. My mom thinks we have alot in common just because of our age... First of all I am 3 yrs older than she is and no, we really dont have anything in common. I do spend time with her but really in my head Im thinking what excuse can I use 2 leave. I like her... its just that we dont have anything in common at all!
Posted by lindseyl06[/QUOTE]

How old are you that you think someone three years your junior isn't "your age"?

Gabrielle76

There's only one proposal, when he asks you to become his wife.  After that, I guess he can give you the ring, but that's not really a proposal. 

Also, trying to force you to spend time with her? I think most people would call that 'wanting to get to know you.'  She wants to spend time with you and wants you to be a BM, that seems like her offering a branch of friendship and familial love, and you, for some reason, being insulted by it.

Also, ditto Mandy, don't call this woman a 'baby mama'.  Pot, meet Kettle. 

MyUserName1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-forced-participate-brothers-wedding-refused-participate-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7fb9fe06-08f7-4714-9270-862c5f80ab7dPost:281a1827-2f33-4fca-a9ac-e524f58ab839">Re: Being Forced to Participate in my Brother's wedding when he refused to participate in Mine</a>:
[QUOTE]Sounds like she just wants to get to know you and is trying to be nice. I would bet the poor girl thinks you don't like her, so your brother and mother are just trying to help.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

I agree one hundred percent.  Maybe you should try to find something in common with this girl and try a little harder to be friendlier with her.  There must be a reason that your mother thinks that you have a lot in common besides age.

Also three years is not a lot once you're out of middle school.  One of my dearest friends is over a decade my senior.

ast.meghan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-forced-participate-brothers-wedding-refused-participate-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7fb9fe06-08f7-4714-9270-862c5f80ab7dPost:5dc048d3-889f-4c2a-bf8c-e5fc21487109">Re: Being Forced to Participate in my Brother's wedding when he refused to participate in Mine</a>:
[QUOTE]Im feeling like my brother and my mom are trying to force me to really like this girl when Im not the type to cling onto new people. I will accept her as my FSIL I just cant stand the way they try 2 MAKE us spend time together and try and make us bond. My mom thinks we have alot in common just because of our age... First of all <strong>I am 3 yrs older than she is</strong> and no, we really dont have anything in common. I do spend time with her but really in my head Im thinking what excuse can I use 2 leave. I like her... its just that we dont have anything in common at all!
Posted by lindseyl06[/QUOTE]

<div>I don't really agree with this - I have friends that are both older and younger than I am.  Your friends don't need to be the same exact age as you.  If you don't have anything in common, that's a different issue, but the fact that she is younger than you is NBD.</div>

lindseyl06

Mkay I get it. I will tell her I cannot participate in the wedding because of financial issues (and yes ma'am I KNOW im a baby mama, I have 3 kids now so Im very used 2 this title and she has 3 kids also). I dont like her personality. She seems shallow and very indecisive about things whereas Im very picky and i dont dwell on my looks but my smarts. We do talk on the phone pretty often ( she calls everyday). Im just a private person (I have always been) and I dont let too many people in. Thats all. I do like her, I just dont see myself having a higher type of relationship with her other than my brother's fiance'.

lindseyl06

I understand that. I have friends of all ages as well. What you didnt understand is that my mom thinks we have alot in common JUST BECAUSE of our age. That is not true.

RamonaFlowers

Dude, you're an adult, and you're about to become somebody's mother. Be a grown up about this. If you don't want to do it, man up and decline being in the wedding. You don't have to be a BM and spend a ton of money you don't have if you don't want to.

And while we're on the subject of you being a grown up: cut the girl some slack. Like Mandy pointed out, you're a "baby mama" at this point, too, so you might want to stop wearing your judgy pants about such things.

Gabrielle76

I hope that y ou can someday accept her as your brothers wife too.  Maybe she looks up to you and wants your approval. 

aragx6

Wait, she calls everyday? That's a little (a lot?) ... much. There is not one person outside of my FI who I talk to everyday.

lindseyl06

She acts like she doesnt understand alot of simple things but I dont know if she's doing that to try and bond with me or if she really doesnt understand. Like for example, she asked me how to wipe a girl because she has never had one... I really had to stare blankly at her. Im thinking its just like cleaning yourself unless she doesnt know how to do that. I told her front to back.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_being-forced-participate-brothers-wedding-refused-participate-mine?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7fb9fe06-08f7-4714-9270-862c5f80ab7dPost:6060e7c1-3ec8-4a60-9c04-77855ca38dc6">Re: Being Forced to Participate in my Brother's wedding when he refused to participate in Mine</a>:
[QUOTE]Mkay I get it. I will tell her I cannot participate in the wedding because of financial issues (and yes ma'am I KNOW im a baby mama, I have 3 kids now so Im very used 2 this title and she has 3 kids also). I dont like her personality. She seems shallow and very indecisive about things whereas Im very picky and<strong> i dont dwell on my looks but my smarts</strong>. We do talk on the phone pretty often ( she calls everyday). Im just a private person (I have always been) and I dont let too many people in. Thats all. I do like her, I just dont see myself having a higher type of relationship with her other than my brother's fiance'.
Posted by lindseyl06[/QUOTE]

You might want to start double checking your spelling and punctuation, then.

mollyehren

If this is REALLY about money just make it clear to everyone that you simply cannot afford it as you have your own wedding to finance. If you can afford it and this is REALLY about your feelings being hurt I would probably talk to your brother ALONE to see why he feels the way he does and why he made his decision. Actually either way  I would probably talk to him maybe he has a logical reason for not wanting anything to do with the wedding

BMcLeodTeam

I was thinking what PP was thinking, maybe she looks up to you and that's why she wants to talk to you so often...

Try to take a step back and not be so judgemental. For starters, how long they are together has nothing to do with anything, FI and I weren't even at the year mark together when he proposed, does that mean my relationship is something to be judged?

Secondly, you just need to put your foot down about finances. If you can't afford to be in the wedding, say no. If you can do a limited amount, make clear how much you can do... if they try to go above your budget, say no...