Wedding Etiquette Forum

HELP.

My mother-in-law to be lovingly and graciously threw me a beautiful bridal shower today. Everything was perfect except for the fact that she invited several (>20) of her close friends who we were not planning to invite to the wedding. We simply can't afford to invite all of them. I don't know what to do or how to even begin to approach this situation! 

Re: HELP.

  • Does your mom know they are not invited to the wedding?
  • Well, it's more likely that your FMIL hosted an ENGAGEMENT PARTY for you today.

    An e-party is rarely hosted by the MOB or the MOG because that would look totally gift-grabby:  "Please come at this date and time and place and bring a great gift for my kid who is getting married."

    And the host of an e-party can invite whoever she wants.  So your MOG invited friends to an e-party.  That's fine, and those people do not expect wedding invitations.
  • Oh FFS Kristin, get out of the 50's.  Many MOB"s and MOG's throw showers for brides now.  In my hometown it is what is expected.  We have all told you many times that your wedding rules only apply in Pleasantville where you live.  And I'm pretty sure the poster knows the differnece between an e-party and a shower.

    OP, did your FMIL ever discuss a guest list with you?  Did she know that these people weren't invited to the wedding? 
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  • mnsearsmnsears member
    First Comment
    Everyone, both moms included, looked at and approved the wedding guest list several months ago, so she knew they weren't invited. By the time I knew who was being invited to the shower, the invitations had been sent out.
  • edited May 2011
    My Aunt did this too. 

    I told my mom I was horrified, and she said back in their day it was extremely common for friends of the mother of the bride to be invited and come to the shower, knowing and expecting that they would not be invited to the wedding.

    Doesn't make it right, but apparently it's common in some circles.


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  • mnsearsmnsears member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-26?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:816b2786-9cb0-470d-9196-8cb4c4aa367dPost:9e2aca60-bdb3-411b-a98d-9bc583de925c">Re: HELP.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well, it's more likely that your FMIL hosted an ENGAGEMENT PARTY for you today. An e-party is rarely hosted by the MOB or the MOG because that would look totally gift-grabby:  "Please come at this date and time and place and bring a great gift for my kid who is getting married." And the host of an e-party can invite whoever she wants.  So your MOG invited friends to an e-party.  That's fine, and those people do not expect wedding invitations.
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Nope, pretty sure it was a bridal shower because that's what was on the invitation and people brought presents. 

    </div>
  • This is one of those situations where it's FMIL's goof, not yours.  If you can't afford to invite them, you can't afford it.  Let FMIL explain to them why they didn't get an invite if anyone asks.
  • Yeah - if she was aware of the wedding guest list than it's on her to explain that they are not invited to the wedding if they are expecting invitation.
  • mnsearsmnsears member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-26?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:816b2786-9cb0-470d-9196-8cb4c4aa367dPost:4019fe25-2fb0-4180-9d45-da51c0497660">Re: HELP.</a>:
    [QUOTE]My Aunt did this too.  I told my mom I was horrified, and she said back in their day it was extremely common for friends of the mother of the bride to be invited and come to the shower, knowing and expecting that they would not be invited to the wedding. Doesn't make it right, but apparently it's common in some circles.
    Posted by dianemc10[/QUOTE]

    <div>That makes me feel a little better! Their circle IS a little different. Thanks! </div>
  • I just think it is rather funny that Kristin#'s thought that she could tell OP what kind of party she had, as if she wasn't aware of what was going on around her.
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  • I agree with pp, let her explain that to her guests, just make sure you let her know that you won't be the one explaning it if they ask for invites. 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-26?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:816b2786-9cb0-470d-9196-8cb4c4aa367dPost:c6d4c0e1-391a-48d6-bc8a-adb270fca5e9">Re: HELP.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: HELP. : Nope, pretty sure it was a bridal shower because that's what was on the invitation and people brought presents. 
    Posted by mnsears[/QUOTE]
    Ah, don't worry about Kristin#s.  She pops up every so often to give "advice" based on traditions in Mayberry, but never sticks around to defend her statements.
  • I just spit out my chocolate milk after reading Kristen's response?

    Really Kristen?  Telling someone what kind of party she had?  Really?   ::shakes head::

    Just for argument sake Kristen, even if MOG did throw an e-party, the same rules apply.  Guests invited to pre-party events should be invited to the wedding. 

    Anyway, I digress (Kristen has a way of doing that to me).   OP - I would not worry about it. There are some circles that do such things.  






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • edited May 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-26?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:816b2786-9cb0-470d-9196-8cb4c4aa367dPost:9e2aca60-bdb3-411b-a98d-9bc583de925c">Re: HELP.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well, it's more likely that your FMIL hosted an ENGAGEMENT PARTY for you today. An e-party is rarely hosted by the MOB or the MOG because that would look totally gift-grabby:  "Please come at this date and time and place and bring a great gift for my kid who is getting married." And the host of an e-party can invite whoever she wants.  <strong>So your MOG invited friends to an e-party.  That's fine, and those people do not expect wedding invitations.</strong>
    Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]
    I fail to see how you derived e-party from OP's post about a bridal shower, given the info she gave you. What if they did indeed bring gifts and it was intended to be a shower? Your response just sounds snobby.
  • FWIW, my FMIL hosted a shower for me, and invited people who are not invited to the wedding regardless of me telling her that this was not appropriate.
    she said it was very common around there, and her friends were insistent and well-aware they would not be invited.

    although it is an etiquette goof, i would let your FMIL take care of any potential awkward situations. and don't feel strange about it if it's customary. just roll with it, send out your gracious thank yous, and carry on.

     

  • mica178mica178 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary 5 Love Its
    Technically, guests invited to pre-wedding parties should be invited to the wedding.  However, it appears that this was your FMIL's goof, so it's on her that this happened.   It's up to FMIL to explain what happened to those guests. Obviously, if you can invite them to your wedding, that's best, but since you mentioned that it's out of your budget and the shower list was out of yor hands, just send thank you notes for the shower gifts and move on. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-26?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:816b2786-9cb0-470d-9196-8cb4c4aa367dPost:1a141c01-3f05-416e-9489-a23d50f0471a">Re: HELP.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: HELP. : I fail to see how you derived e-party from OP's post about a bridal shower, given the info she gave you. What if they did indeed bring gifts and it was intended to be a shower? Your response just sounds snobby.
    Posted by browneydgrl[/QUOTE]

    Kristen#s lives in her own 1950s world and sees what she wants. The brides parents ALWAYS host the wedding and it's up to the parents to handle all aspects of the wedding, etc. She often uses Father of the Bride as a reference when giving advice. I wish she would give correct current advice, but I do find her posts rather entertaining. She rarely ever comments after one appearance in a thread.
    9.17.2010
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  • I still will never understand why these people want to come to a bridal shower for someone they don't know and buy them a gift. I would rather buy myself a gift! OP it is your FMIL's issue. Maybe its common in her circle.
  • And I thought Kristen#s had seen reason earlier this year.  I see that was only temporary. 

    Yes, inviting the extra people was a faux paus, but it was your MILs, not yours.  Write extra nice thank you notes, and don't worry about it. 
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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
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