My MOH (from CA) is flying to NYC for my bachelorette party that she's planning with the other girls who live in NYC (I live in DC with my FI). All of the groomsmen also live in NYC, so MOH reached out to the best man to ask if they could coordinate dates so it would be easier for FI and I to come up to NYC together (especially since we have a job, and FI is in law school so funds are tight). She specified the parties would still be separate, just the same weekend perhaps. He totally blew her off, and also told her that my FI's bachelor party would be a complete surprise, and he would not tell her, me, or my FI any of the plans or timing.
Weeks later, entirely unprompted, best man IMed me to complain that the other groomsmen are being stingy regarding the bachelor party, and he's "so sick of having to worry about saving other people money."
This is annoying on a number of levels. 1) The other groomsmen are not, for the most part, stingy; they're broke. 2) Our wedding is in CA when nearly everyone lives in NYC; it's incredibly generous that they've all agreed to attend, and I have done everything I can possibly do to keep costs down for them. 3) We know very few people here in DC, we have a dog, FI will likely have a job this summer and I have one already - neither of us can just take off on a whim leaving the other high and dry without some notice.
Anyway, there's the background for my annoyance.
Now the issue is that all of this information has upset my FI, but he has been reading The Knot boards over my shoulder and feels like his only option is to decline. He does not feel like he's allowed to tell his friends in any capacity what he would prefer. In fact, he told me, "Bachelor parties are IN HONOR of the groom, but they're FOR the groomsmen. I doubt any grooms ever enjoy their bachelor parties, it's not like their preferences are taken into consideration." This makes me sad. Also, the problem with declining a surprise bachelor party is that the only way you can do it would be to just refuse to attend whenever they show up. What an effing pain for everyone involved.
When his best man reached out in a semi-sneaky way to find out his schedule over the next six months, my FI finally decided to make an attempt to set some ground rules. He sent an email very politely requesting that both my and his schedules be taken into account, and perhaps they could reconsider coordinating with my MOH so we could go up to NYC the same weekend. Best man just ignored this email, it's been about 3 weeks.
I guess all of this has me looking for some reassurance. Is it okay to make scheduling requests regarding b-parties? Is it ok to make requests for things you DON'T want?
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