Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points with The Knot Rewards
Wedding Etiquette Forum
Univited plus one on rsvp
Okay so I just started receiving my rsvps in the mail and I already got one that has an uninvited plus one. I specifically addressed the envelope to just my friend, there is a large group of friends thats I invited that I did not include plus ones, didnt even think any of these people would have thought to bring a plus one. Do I call right away and let them know that it wasnt intended or do I wait until I have more rsvps in to see if I have any no's where I could accomodate these extra guests. I obviously dont wasnt to be rude, but my venue only holds 150 and thata exactly what I invited. Help!!!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Univited plus one on rsvp
Guests shouldn't just add on people to their RSVP however if the person is a SO then s/he is significant. The line drawing idea can backfire when the couple says, "Fine. If you don't want to acknowledge our relationship then don't expect us to be at your wedding. "
Beyond that, are you really willing to die on that hill years later if the couple you refused to acknowledge is then engaged or married?
Case in point: my uncle was with his GF for under 6 mo when DH and I were married and they've been living together now for at least 2 years. I'd have felt like a huge turd if I didn't have her at the wedding over an arbitrary cutoff rule that meant nothing to anyone except myself.
Rambley Blog
[QUOTE] I don't think guests get to decide that their new boyfriend is serious enough to be invited. It seems that drawing a line, like "dating 6 months," isn't against etiquette.
Posted by DelBride2012[/QUOTE]
Well, it's not YOUR business to decide how serious someone else's relationship is, so then, who's decision is it? If the couple in a relationship have decided that they are serious, whether it's been a few days, a few months, or a few years, then that's THEIR decision and no one else's. Either invite both parties in a couple, or don't invite either one. FI and I were very serious within two months (like, looking at rings serious), but by your standards, we weren't.
Don't use your budget as an excuse to be rude. Suck it up and invite these people, or be prepared to lose friendships.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Univited plus one on rsvp : Well, it's not YOUR business to decide how serious someone else's relationship is, so then, who's decision is it? If the couple in a relationship have decided that they are serious, whether it's been a few days, a few months, or a few years, then that's THEIR decision and no one else's. Either invite both parties in a couple, or don't invite either one. FI and I were very serious within two months (like, looking at rings serious), but by your standards, we weren't. Don't use your budget as an excuse to be rude. Suck it up and invite these people, or be prepared to lose friendships.
Posted by RebeccaB88[/QUOTE]
I didn't say you weren't serious. You were however serious you were. I said it wouldn't be against etiquette to invite you without giving you a plus one at 2 months.
[QUOTE]You know, this is your wedding. If this plus one is someone you've never even heard of then tell the person with the invite that you just don't have the room and need them to go solo. If they're your friend then they will understand. You said yourself, that person will be hanging out with friends...its not like they won't know other guests there. <strong>Who cares about all of the "rules"</strong>. Its your day and if you want to break them then do it.
Posted by kazm14[/QUOTE]
<div>You will care when all of your friends and family stop talking to you because you've offended them by ignoring the rules of etiquette. </div>
Rambley Blog
[QUOTE]The post source being a journalist for the New York Times? Oh my, let me base the rest of my life off of the opinion of a newspaper. People are "serious" in a relationship at different times. Not everyone considers themselves serious after a few months, and some consider themselves serious after a week. Who are you to judge that? Guests DO get to decide how seriously they take things with their SO, not the bride.
Posted by Grits8812[/QUOTE]
...it's not a journalist, it's an etiquette column, by whoever picked up where Emily Post left off. And obviously you should base the rest of your life on whatever tenets you choose to. But this being an etiquette forum, I dispute the hard line that "any relationship of any duration" requires a plus one. And this is the only source I've seen where that was the hard rule. <div>
</div><div>Failing to get an invite isn't a judgment of the seriousness of your dating relationship. It's a cutoff like any other, like "no children under 18" that is within the discretion of the couple. </div>
what you think is bad etiquette might not be bad etiquette for someone else
you guys are questioning the validity of a newspaper column or martha stewart but who are you? seriously .
anyway. the fact is you dont have enough space for this plus one. if you let them come, word will get around and people will start inviting plus ones left and center and before you knwo it you've doubled your guest list - not good. politely call them and say hey im sorry but we just dont have enough room in our venue.... im prepared to do the same thing as i am not inviting plus ones either. if you didnt know their name to put on the invitation ... then thats enough for me.
Free Disney Tickers
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Univited plus one on rsvp : ...it's not a journalist, it's an etiquette column, by whoever picked up where Emily Post left off. And obviously you should base the rest of your life on whatever tenets you choose to. But this being an etiquette forum, I dispute the hard line that "any relationship of any duration" requires a plus one. And this is the only source I've seen where that was the hard rule. Failing to get an invite isn't a judgment of the seriousness of your dating relationship. It's a cutoff like any other, like "no children under 18" that is within the discretion of the couple.
Posted by DelBride2012[/QUOTE]
My bad, an etiquette column. Shiit. I just find it stupid to judge how serious someones relationship is. I have spent every day with my fiance since day 9. So would he be invited with me? Since we started talking wedding since a couple months after being together?<div>
</div><div>Some people might take offense to a cut off like that. I wouldn't if it were told to me in an actual situation, but I would decline their invitation. That's all I'm saying. If there isn't wiggle room, then let there be a cut off, but it also has to be expected that some don't show up because they couldn't come with their SO. </div><div>
</div><div>With that, good night everyone.</div>
Good luck
Created by MyFitnessPal - Nutrition Facts For Foods
My daughter has been with her fiance since she was 14 and he was 15. They don't live together, and didn't get engaged until their senior year of college. By some standards they weren't serious until the day he proposed. I beg to differ.
It is for reasons like these that it is poor form to try and determine who is serious based on things like length of time together, living together, engaged.
[QUOTE]jeez why do people get so upset over this? seriously calm down . i swear every single thread someone meakes where someone is thinking something other than what they think is right, people get all bent out of shape. what you think is bad etiquette might not be bad etiquette for someone else you guys are questioning the validity of a newspaper column or martha stewart but who are you? seriously . anyway. the fact is you dont have enough space for this plus one. if you let them come, word will get around and people will start inviting plus ones left and center and before you knwo it you've doubled your guest list - not good. politely call them and say hey im sorry but we just dont have enough room in our venue.... im prepared to do the same thing as i am not inviting plus ones either. if you didnt know their name to put on the invitation ... then thats enough for me.
Posted by laurenoliveira23[/QUOTE]
Not really cupcake.
Poor etiquette is poor etiquette.
The issue is that others are trying to state what makes a relationship established. That definition is solely up to those IN the relationship and it isn't for others outside to judge. Yes, that means it can be arbitrary but relationships are like that. Some active Knotties were engaged after a few months and others took years. It's about what is right for each and every relationship and not some random 'six month or you're not serious enough to be included' type of rule.
I do think it's a good idea to go back and talk to the friend though. She may have thought that she could just bring a random date in which case you can say no. However if this person is a serious BF then he should be included.
And for those who say you'd know if your friend is in a serious relationship: My BM kept it a secret that she was in a relationship until just after I mailed the wedding invitations. They were together for at least 6 months by the time we were married and were together for 3 years total.
[QUOTE]Oh and out of the 150 invited, 115 is immediate family on both sides, like I said very tight guest list
Posted by Lilpbnjam[/QUOTE]
<div>
</div><div>Are you somehow under the impression that yours is a unique situation? Or that having a tight guest list is an acceptable reason to be rude? It's not, and it doesn't make it ok.</div>
[QUOTE]Del - so is this a boyfriend you just haven't met yet or is this a random date your friend wants to bring (but that she is not in any sort of relationship with)? I may have missed where you clarified, but in any case, these ladies are right - if it's a boyfriend of any length of time or any level of seriousness, he needs to be invited. We have limited space too, and invited exactly how many our venue can hold, but you will likely get a few "no" RSVPs - this plus one can fill that spot. Wait til you get a few more RSVPs in, and you'll see that there will be space :)
Posted by LeiselEB[/QUOTE]
I'm not the OP and I'm not struggling with this particular problem (we in the rare position of having fewer guests than will cover our food and drink minimum, so for my wedding, I don't mind if people bring their one-night-stands!) I just piped up because I noticed an inconsistency with what people are saying on here and the traditional rules of etiquette.
[QUOTE]<strong>jeez why do people get so upset over this? seriously calm down . i swear every single thread someone meakes where someone is thinking something other than what they think is right, people get all bent out of shape. </strong>what you think is bad etiquette might not be bad etiquette for someone else you guys are questioning the validity of a newspaper column or martha stewart but who are you? seriously . anyway. the fact is you dont have enough space for this plus one. if you let them come, word will get around and people will start inviting plus ones left and center and before you knwo it you've doubled your guest list - not good. politely call them and say hey im sorry but we just dont have enough room in our venue.... im prepared to do the same thing as i am not inviting plus ones either. if you didnt know their name to put on the invitation ... then thats enough for me.
Posted by laurenoliveira23[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>It's always weird to me when random posters come in and say this. No one was using caps, exclamation points, nothing that looks like people are bent out of shape. Is that what you think is happening when someone disagrees with you? How do you have conversations with adults? I don't think someone is bent out of shape if they disagree.</div><div>
</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Univited plus one on rsvp : I didn't say you weren't serious. You were however serious you were. I said it wouldn't be against etiquette to invite you without giving you a plus one at 2 months.
Posted by DelBride2012[/QUOTE]
Actually, it would be. And we'd both be offended by it.
Guess it's a good thing I wasn't invited, huh? Cause I'd be giving you a big fat decline, both to the wedding and the friendship.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Univited plus one on rsvp : Actually, it would be. And we'd both be offended by it. Guess it's a good thing I wasn't invited, huh? Cause I'd be giving you a big fat decline, both to the wedding and the friendship.
Posted by RebeccaB88[/QUOTE]
Please, PLEASE show me where you're getting this etiquette rule. I've checked all the usual suspects and best I can tell, it's something that's been dreamed up by this very board. <div>
</div><div>I wish ootmother would chime in and confirm my suspicion that it's a relatively new rule even on TK. The old TK conventional wisdom was consistent with Peggy Post, wasn't it? </div>
Because a true friend would love to be treated like crap?!
This makes me sad about the banana name.
[QUOTE]You shouldn't need a reference to justify common sense behavior. If someone is important enough to be invited to your wedding then their feelings should be important enough for you to respect. I don't care if it's not explicitly stated in a book, article or advice column about wedding etiquette; it's the right thing to do. To me, judging someone else's relationship status and potentially hurting or offending someone important to me or my fianc is not worth the cost saved by eliminated the plus one. Why is this so difficult to comprehend?
Posted by Coghoot12[/QUOTE]<div>If it were obviously common sense, it wouldn't be up for debate, but there's at least a disagreement about it among reasonable minds. Of course, it would be better to give all singles a plus one, if budget and space allows. I don't think that's disputed. It's just not a violation of etiquette to draw a line based on relationship duration. </div><div>
Couldn't the same reasoning apply to any other guest who thinks some other guest should have been included, like an aunt who thinks her adult children shouldn't have been left out? </div><div>
</div><div>Again, I don't see how it's judging someone's relationship as being serious enough or not serious enough. If you've been in a short term relationship, even one that's rapidly headed for engagement, and the bride says, "I'm really excited to meet your new beau, but I can't accommodate him at this point. To keep things fair and within budget and capacity, we limited the guestlist to [people who have been dating 6 months/8 months/whatever]" I just don't understand why you would respond to that with offense. I really don't. Especially not when the traditional rules of etiquette isn't on your side. </div><div>
</div><div>Of course, peopel still do get offended, just like when they're told their kids aren't invited, or when they're told there will be no alcohol, and all the other things people decide aren't gracious enough. And they're entitled to not come. But there's no reason why we should berate a bride who is following the rules of etiquette. </div>
The purpose of etiquette is to ensure that you as a host are making your guests comfortable, whether it's making sure they don't have to open their wallets, providing a seat for every person in attendance, or inviting their significant others.
Here's the deal (to anyone): everyone makes choices when planning a wedding. It's up to you to decide whether or not to break etiquette, but if/when you do, YOU have to be willing to accept the consequences (short-term and long-term) of the breach.
[QUOTE]Del, you still haven't given a reputable source that CLEARLY states it's not an etiquette breach, and I don't get why you're still arguing this. The purpose of etiquette is to ensure that you as a host are making your guests comfortable, whether it's making sure they don't have to open their wallets, providing a seat for every person in attendance, or inviting their significant others. Here's the deal (to anyone): everyone makes choices when planning a wedding. It's up to you to decide whether or not to break etiquette, but if/when you do, YOU have to be willing to accept the consequences (short-term and long-term) of the breach.
Posted by strlzfan11[/QUOTE]
I am not sure who is more reputable than the Emily Post heir. I believed that to be the definitive source on the subject, but if I am mistaken, please correct me. I don't mean that in any sort of snide tone: every single source I've found says it's fine to only invite partners of people in long-term relationships. (Of course, there's no judgment of "seriousness" inherent in a clear and fairly applied duration rule, not any more than there's a judgment of a child's ability to behave inherent in an age cutoff). I've combed every source I can find, and not a single one is applying the rule being pushed on this board. <div>
</div><div>Now, I agree, your guests should be comfortable, and that's your duty as a toast. But there are obviously limits on that. Many people would only be comfortable at a dancing event with alcohol, but there's no rule that you have to serve it. Many parents of young children would be most comfortable with their children present, but that's not a rule either. Many people would be most comfortable having a full meal after a ceremony, but the couple is not breaching etiquette to serve afternoon cake and punch and leave guests to find their own lunch prior and dinner after. </div><div>
</div><div>I'm sincerely baffled by the insistence that this "rule" exists when it appears to totally be an invention of this board, which I guess is why I am still arguing it. </div>
[QUOTE]jeez why do people get so upset over this? seriously calm down . i swear every single thread someone meakes where someone is thinking something other than what they think is right, people get all bent out of shape. what you think is bad etiquette might not be bad etiquette for someone else you guys are questioning the validity of a newspaper column or martha stewart but who are you? seriously . anyway. the fact is you dont have enough space for this plus one. if you let them come, word will get around and people will start inviting plus ones left and center and before you knwo it you've doubled your guest list - not good. politely call them and say hey im sorry but we just dont have enough room in our venue.... im prepared to do the same thing as i am not inviting plus ones either. if you didnt know their name to put on the invitation ... then thats enough for me.
Posted by laurenoliveira23[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>So by your definition, my now fiance, who I was with nearly two years at the time, shouldn't have been invited with me to a wedding last year because the person doing the invitation didn't know my full name? Or one of my good friends from college, since she didn't know my fiance's name, should have invited me to her wedding solo, since she didn't know his name? You are quite wrong. And quite rude.
</div>
We all have to make tough decisions on the guest list and it's too bad that it can become such a stressful situation but it will all work out.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Univited plus one on rsvp : Please, PLEASE show me where you're getting this etiquette rule. I've checked all the usual suspects and best I can tell, it's something that's been dreamed up by this very board. Posted by DelBride2012[/QUOTE]
Miss Manners:
<a href="http://www.spokesman.com/stories/2009/feb/16/follow-protocol-when-inviting-guest-of-guest/" rel="nofollow">http://www.spokesman.com/stories/2009/feb/16/follow-protocol-when-inviting-guest-of-guest/</a>
Partial quote from above:
<p>Miss Manners is all for inviting coupled wedding guests as couples – indeed, there is a new rudeness, which she is trying to stamp out, of inviting only half of an established couple. Those who are married, engaged or otherwise firmly attached must be asked in tandem to social events (as opposed to office gatherings, which are still office gatherings, no matter how many drinks are served).
You. Are. Welcome. :)</p>