What do you think this is and should I go?

Simply Fated

I think my friend is throwing his wife a baby shower disguised as a birthday party.

Help me try to figure this out, guys....
Her birthday is a few weeks before the baby is due. No one close to her has offered her a baby shower and several has made it clear that if there is one, they won't attend. Myself included. It's her third child, the second one is 1 and a half. What is rubbing everyone the wrong way is that she says straight out, "I have to have a baby shower, I can't afford anything for the baby and the carseat is expired." She said that to me, her sister-in-law and mother. We told her she should have thought about that before forgoing birth control.
She coudn't afford her first or second child, either, but everyone pitched in and helped. Three kids later, we're done. Birth control is cheaper, but she refuses because she wants the kids.

Anyway, I just got a fb invite from her husband. He said that.... and this is copied+pasted:
she ask that any gifts you get her for her birthday get for the baby please i think she registered at baby r us but iam not shore for more in fo fell free to call us she know a bout it it was her idea

So, actually, I think she is throwing herself a birthday party, but it's really a baby shower?

She is one of my best friends and I was even her MOH, but I'm leaning towards declining the invitation.
And, yes, this party is right in the heart of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 Premiere Weekend and I already have plans with her little brother to attend the movie that day. This party cuts right into it.

emilyinchile

I was going to say just go and don't get her a present until the last line. Go do the plans you already have - not just because it's HP-related, although that does help

laurenclaire1386

Uh, yeah, that's definitely a baby shower disguised as a birthday party. I wouldn't go.

Ghoti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:dec8965d-91f5-428c-bf4e-10f277ce6abd">What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think my friend is throwing his wife a baby shower disguised as a birthday party. Help me try to figure this out, guys.... Her birthday is a few weeks before the baby is due. No one close to her has offered her a baby shower and several has made it clear that if there is one, they won't attend. Myself included. It's her third child, the second one is 1 and a half. What is rubbing everyone the wrong way is that she says straight out, "I have to have a baby shower, I can't afford anything for the baby and the carseat is expired." She said that to me, her sister-in-law and mother. We told her she should have thought about that before forgoing birth control. She coudn't afford her first or second child, either, but everyone pitched in and helped. Three kids later, we're done. Birth control is cheaper, but she refuses because she wants the kids. Anyway, I just got a fb invite from her husband. He said that.... and this is copied+pasted: she ask that any gifts you get her for her birthday get for the baby please i think she registered at baby r us but iam not shore for more in fo fell free to call us she know a bout it it was her idea So, actually, I think she is throwing herself a birthday party, but it's really a baby shower? She is one of my best friends and I was even her MOH, but I'm leaning towards declining the invitation. And, yes, this party is right in the heart of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 Premiere Weekend and I already have plans with her little brother to attend the movie that day. This party cuts right into it.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]
I don't think you can really say she's your best friend and then say such crappy things about her in the same paragraph...

Anysunrise

I don't know many people who register for baby stuff for their birthdays. I probably wouldn't go, especially for the third kid.

mandysmear

Because I am a bitch I would get her a GC for a pedicure or some clothes or a bottle of booze or some flowers and chocolate and I would want to include a box of condoms.  As if I'd have the balls to give the condoms to her though.

PS. Her husband sucks at spelling. 

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:fe6928d9-bc01-47b0-a565-69276f567e57">Re: What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to What do you think this is and should I go? : I don't think you can really say she's your best friend and then say such crappy things about her in the same paragraph...
Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]

First of all, I didn't really see any judgements being made about the friend - OP is relating the facts, which happen to make her friend look crappy. And second of all, I saw nothing even remotely crappy said in the last paragraph, if you want to be picky about it.

[Deleted User]

I had trouble getting through that bolded part. I had to read it carefully. Poor kids don't stand a chance.

laurenclaire1386

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:fe6928d9-bc01-47b0-a565-69276f567e57">Re: What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to What do you think this is and should I go? : I don't think you can really say she's your best friend and then say such crappy things about her in the same paragraph...
Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]
I think you're wrong. Acknowledging that your friends make less than stellar choices sometimes doesn't make you any less friends. I don't think OP said anything particularly awful. True, presumably. But awful, no.

Ghoti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:ca77badc-28d3-42ce-a76a-a94493d0b2ba">Re: What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you think this is and should I go? : First of all, I didn't really see any judgements being made about the friend - OP is relating the facts, which happen to make her friend look crappy. And second of all, I saw nothing even remotely crappy said in the last paragraph, if you want to be picky about it.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

Ok, in the whole post. It was all 1 paragraph when I quoted it :D I see several judgements being made, I guess its just a different POV.

zippityb

What happens when car seats expire? Do they explode?

tenofcups4me

Wow, that's quite the invitation.

I'd probably go after the movie and bring a bottle of wine, exactly what I would normally bring if I was attending a party. I wouldn't bring a present for friend unless it was a "special" birthday (like 30, 40, etc.) and I wouldn't give a baby present at that time. I would give a small present for the baby after it's born.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:6f0edcc0-5f44-4ca7-8a0d-ce8f532ab8df">Re: What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you think this is and should I go? : Ok, in the whole post. It was all 1 paragraph when I quoted it :D I see several judgements being made, I guess its just a different POV.
Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]

Well I can assume that SimplyFated thinks her friend is an idiot just because it sounds like the friend is doing idiotic things, but at no point does she actually criticize the friend for her choices - she just says that she doesn't want to finance them.

Ghoti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:eaec13f3-ffcb-46f0-916e-c88c3407ec70">Re: What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you think this is and should I go? : I think you're wrong. Acknowledging that your friends make less than stellar choices sometimes doesn't make you any less friends. I don't think OP said anything particularly awful. True, presumably. But awful, no.
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

Maybe the chick wants a third kid? Not everyone wants to go on BC, although condoms are definitely an option, but I don't know if religion plays into this at all.  I guess I just don't treat my BFF like that, she makes different decisions than I would but I still wouldn't call her out on a public board, or choose to see a movie instead of go to her birthday party.

[Deleted User]

Tack-y!

Simply Fated

I'm not trying to say anything crappy about her, I was just trying to give information about why she didn't receive a baby shower. She is a good person who sometimes makes bad choices.

lilianne22

I agree it sounds like a baby shower in disguise.  I would skip it...especially if I had HP tickets

mandapanda78

If he can't bother to spell check, I can't bother to go to his disguised baby shower.

Ghoti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:71f0ad57-191d-40f6-a200-a13cc93b5511">Re: What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you think this is and should I go? : Well I can assume that SimplyFated thinks her friend is an idiot just because it sounds like the friend is doing idiotic things, but at no point does she actually criticize the friend for her choices - she just says that she doesn't want to finance them.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

How can someone be best friends with someone they think is an idiot?

Ghoti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:ba735372-45b2-496c-819a-47d83127117d">Re: What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]What happens when car seats expire? Do they explode?
Posted by zippityb[/QUOTE]

The plastic starts decomposing and is no longer safe in event of a crash. Most car seats last 7-10 years though.

laurenclaire1386

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:e27fbc31-978d-4966-a527-8efc6bd54ce2">Re: What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you think this is and should I go? : Maybe the chick wants a third kid? Not everyone wants to go on BC, although condoms are definitely an option,<strong> but I don't know if religion plays into this at all.</strong>  I guess I just don't treat my BFF like that, she makes different decisions than I would but I still wouldn't call her out on a public board, or choose to see a movie instead of go to her birthday party.
Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]
WTF are you talking about? Wanting a kid that you can't afford is a less than stellar choice. I'm pretty sure most people will agree with that.  And it's pretty obviously not a birthday party.

Ghoti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:058d013a-a193-4d85-a237-f0dbe952c59f">Re: What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not trying to say anything crappy about her, I was just trying to give information about why she didn't receive a baby shower. She is a good person who sometimes makes bad choices.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

It sounds like she's in a tough spot, she's already pregnant, you know? You can't really change that. If she's a good person, support her. If all she needs is a car seat, get everyone to pitch in $10 and get one of craigslist, or just a $50 graco or scenera or whatever, you know? 

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:9c0b4943-b2f9-480f-a226-0dc457ee6345">Re: What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you think this is and should I go? : How can someone be best friends with someone they think is an idiot?
Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]

You've never thought your best friends are acting like idiots? My friends don't always make the same choices I would, and sometimes I disagree with the choices they do make. Sometimes we have disagreements that last a while. That doesn't mean they're not my friends, and while I would make sure to celebrate a friend's birthday somehow, since she's not turning 5 I think the friend can understand that OP has plans on the proposed party day (which may not even be her birthday, just a weekend day). They can do something just the two of them on another day.

My mistake in the previous post - I should have said she probably thinks her friend is being an idiot, not that she always is one. And remember, that was my assumption, not anything she said.

Anysunrise

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:e6eb43fc-80d7-47de-8bef-8823c8b21081">Re: What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you think this is and should I go? : WTF are you talking about? Wanting a kid that you can't afford is a less than stellar choice. I'm pretty sure most people will agree with that.  And it's pretty obviously not a birthday party.
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

I think the religion thing was about the not wanting to take birth control.

cengle

yeah, that sounds like a baby shower to me.  You don't usually register for gifts otherwise, do you?
IF I were to go, I would take a gift for her, if you usually get her a b'day gift.  If not, I would take a token gift, which would normally be wine, but if she's pregnant that wouldn't work, maybe a nice box of chocolate or something.
But Harry Potter takes precedence in my world. 

laurenclaire1386

Oooooh, now I get what Ghoti was saying. Thanks for the translation buddy.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:aa9657a7-bdd6-4e3a-a135-6855449cf4f1">Re: What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you think this is and should I go? : It sounds like she's in a tough spot, she's already pregnant, you know? You can't really change that. <strong>If she's a good person, support her</strong>. If all she needs is a car seat, get everyone to pitch in $10 and get one of craigslist, or just a $50 graco or scenera or whatever, you know? 
Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]

But why does supporting her mean buying a gift? OP and others have supported this friend through two children that she chose to have. You say maybe she wanted the third kid, and obviously she did, but as an adult, she is responsible for her choices (along with her husband). Good friends offer support, but I think that material gifts for two kids pretty much covers the financial support required - all OP is obligated to do is to be there as a friend to listen, hang out, maybe offer some free babysitting. Not buy a present for the third time.

mkrupar

Is this the friend who wanted a third kid, but then he DH decided he didn't want a third kid, but she stopped taking BC and got KU anyway? Or was that another poster?

Anyway, yeah, definitely baby shower disguised as a birthday party. I would go to the movie as planned and then show up later with a gift for the mom. If anyone asks, just tell them you couldn't decipher the awful email sent by her DH and so you got a gift for her since it's her birthday.

Ghoti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:e6eb43fc-80d7-47de-8bef-8823c8b21081">Re: What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you think this is and should I go? : WTF are you talking about? Wanting a kid that you can't afford is a less than stellar choice. I'm pretty sure most people will agree with that.  And it's pretty obviously not a birthday party.
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

haha Free Pass to ignore me today LC, I'm trying to make sense but I think it's something better said IRL.
Some religions don't believe in birth control.
Most people don't know every source of income or the financial details of their friends.
 I just get all <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-yell.gif" border="0" alt="Yell" title="Yell" /> (literally, I squish my nose like that) when people say crap about others decisions to have le bebe's.
And it could be a B-day party, but maybe her BFF is desperate and needs a couple baby items.
See, I'm all over the place. I need to find a lighter thread :D Or have a coffee.

Ghoti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:44c0227f-ddbd-45fb-8fa2-4fb77192497e">Re: What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you think this is and should I go? : You've never thought your best friends are acting like idiots? My friends don't always make the same choices I would, and sometimes I disagree with the choices they do make. Sometimes we have disagreements that last a while. That doesn't mean they're not my friends, and while I would make sure to celebrate a friend's birthday somehow, since she's not turning 5 I think the friend can understand that OP has plans on the proposed party day (which may not even be her birthday, just a weekend day). They can do something just the two of them on another day. My mistake in the previous post - I should have said she probably thinks her friend is being an idiot, not that she always is one. And remember, that was my assumption, not anything she said.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

Your siggy pic is simply to gorgeous to continue any further debating.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:aa9657a7-bdd6-4e3a-a135-6855449cf4f1">Re: What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you think this is and should I go? : It sounds like she's in a tough spot, she's already pregnant, you know? You can't really change that. If she's a good person, support her. If all she needs is a car seat, get everyone to pitch in $10 and get one of craigslist, or just a $50 graco or scenera or whatever, you know? 
Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]

If she was in a tough spot she should have thought about that before having unprotected sex. Yeah, she's already pregnant, but that doesn't mean OP needs to shell out money for a psuedo shower disguised as a b-day party. I seriously would side-eye any friend of mine that did this. Does this mean I wouldn't support her emotionally once the baby came? Probably not, I'd probably also still buy the baby a gift, but she's got to have enough stuff around from the previous kid (Who's only one and a half) to get by. But no way am I going to HER birthday party to give her baby things. It's shady, and yes as her friend I would judge her as well.