What do you think this is and should I go?

emilyinchile

Haha, Ghoti, truce. Thanks

And I for one am definitely not judging the decision to have another kid even if it looks like they can't afford it - if they want to eat ramen every day to have more babies, that is not my business. I am however judging the idea that friends are financially responsible for their friends' decisions. I will support you emotionally til the cows come home, but I'm not paying your bills when you made a grown-up choice.

Alright all, I'm off - have a good evening.

Simply Fated

If I wasn't a good friend, I wouldn't be concerned about her choices. If I was a bad friend, THEN I wouldn't give a shiit.

I'm not calling her out on a public board, I'm honestly asking if this sounds like a baby shower in disguise and if it's something I should pass on.

Right now I have a shiitload of dirty clothes from her first child sitting in my laundry room waiting for me to scrub them clean for the new baby. I spent yesterday at her apartment clearing space in one of the bedrooms to fit a crib and I'm going back next week to finish. I'm not against helping her, but I think I am against this party and her asking people for financial help.


Oh and someone asked about expired carseats... the plastic weakens over time, so they now have expirations dates. They only last about 5 years. I'm not positive on all the facts, but I think hers expired just a little while ago.

Ghoti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:00637286-e9bd-4451-bb1b-e930be969e20">Re: What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you think this is and should I go? : If she was in a tough spot she should have thought about that before having unprotected sex. Yeah, she's already pregnant, but that doesn't mean OP needs to shell out money for a psuedo shower disguised as a b-day party. I seriously would side-eye any friend of mine that did this. Does this mean I wouldn't support her emotionally once the baby came? Probably not, I'd probably also still buy the baby a gift, but she's got to have enough stuff around from the previous kid (Who's only one and a half) to get by. But no way am I going to HER birthday party to give her baby things. It's shady, and yes as her friend I would judge her as well.
Posted by mkrupar[/QUOTE]

Maybe it wasn't unprotected. Shiit happens. The only thing the OP mentioned was a car seat, not things.
I get  where ya'll are coming from, I just don't get the question or the thread. If she's your best friend, then do what you can. If she's just some chick, then side eye away.  If you don't want to get her a gift, don't. If you do, get a gift card or some crappy pair of baby socks from the Dollar Tree.
ETA, a baby shower has stupid baby food and name that rhyme games. A birthday party doesn't. Right? Could she literally just not need anything for herself?

xyrius

Personally, if I considered her my best friend, I would buy her baby a gift - regardless of whether it's disguised as a birthday party or not.  Also, for my best friend, I wouldn't miss her birthday party to go see Harry Potter.  I feel like I have to stress best friend here, because for some random acquaintance this would be a totally different story for me.

Sure, I may not agree with her life choices - but that's not the baby's fault.  And I can side with her on the "buy gifts for my baby instead of me" thing, since that's what she really needs (rather than another bottle of wine).  I have only one child and I'm OK financially, but I'd still rather my daughter received gifts instead of myself.

Anysunrise

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:9aa6a281-3505-466b-9ab2-b2634ecd3bfc">Re: What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you think this is and should I go? : Maybe it wasn't unprotected. Shiit happens. The only thing the OP mentioned was a car seat, not things. I get  where ya'll are coming from, I just don't get the question or the thread. If she's your best friend, then do what you can. If she's just some chick, then side eye away.  If you don't want to get her a gift, don't. If you do, get a gift card or some crappy pair of baby socks from the Dollar Tree. <strong>ETA, a baby shower has stupid baby food and name that rhyme games. A birthday party doesn't. Right? Could she literally just not need anything for herself?</strong>
Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]

I'd buy this, if she had simply mentioned that she could use stuff for the baby. Registering at Babies 'R Us for a "birthday party", and having her husband FB message everyone about it is a little ridiculous.

sarah0725

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:cf075dd7-c473-4a96-aff1-3f4d547678c9">Re: What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you think this is and should I go? : haha Free Pass to ignore me today LC, I'm trying to make sense but I think it's something better said IRL. Some religions don't believe in birth control. Most people don't know every source of income or the financial details of their friends.  I just get all (literally, I squish my nose like that) when people say crap about others decisions to have le bebe's. And it could be a B-day party, but maybe her BFF is desperate and needs a couple baby items. See, I'm all over the place. I need to find a lighter thread :D Or have a coffee.
Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]

I think you are becoming unnecessarily riled. There's nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable when a friend is basically following you around begging you for presents. I would never do something like that, no matter how badly I needed the help.

lauraf1202

I think that your discomfort + previous commitment = stellar reason to decline.  And perhaps you could take her to lunch some time to celebrate her birthday?  Might be more fun for both of you. 

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:9aa6a281-3505-466b-9ab2-b2634ecd3bfc">Re: What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you think this is and should I go? : Maybe it wasn't unprotected. Shiit happens. The only thing the OP mentioned was a car seat, not things. I get  where ya'll are coming from, I just don't get the question or the thread. If she's your best friend, then do what you can. If she's just some chick, then side eye away.  If you don't want to get her a gift, don't. If you do, get a gift card or some crappy pair of baby socks from the Dollar Tree. ETA, a baby shower has stupid baby food and name that rhyme games. A birthday party doesn't. Right? Could she literally just not need anything for herself?
Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]

<strong>"We told her she should have thought about that before forgoing birth control."

</strong>From OP's original post. I find it hard to believe that someone that forgoes BC with her H would make him wear a condom. I think OP's doing a lot by washing baby clothes, rearranging this girl's home (why they aren't doing that themselves, I don't know), and it sounds like this girl might not appreciate that and just want the things for her baby forgetting about all of the things OP is doing for her. I just don't understand why you would disguise your b-day party as a shower when you already know no one wants to attend a shower. And registering at BRU? That tells me you're assuming everyone is going to go along with this ridiculous plan.

aleighk1

Harry Potter > Crazy baby shower/ birthday party.

lauraf1202

Sorry, to answer the actual question... Yes, it does sound like a baby shower.  Because, where I come from, adults don't actually expect other adults to bring presents to their birthday party.  I'm honestly not trying to be snotty, we just truly don't.  So I would be quite off-put to receive an invitation that intimated that, in lieu of gifts for the adult birthday girl, I should buy a gift for her baby.  I find that rude. 

TheCranberry

I would go to the birthday party.  Do you normally exchange gifts for each others' birthdays?  If so, I would probably get a baby gift around the same amount I would have normally gotten her.  If not, I would just bring something for the party, which is what I would do for any other house party.  I'd definitely get the baby a gift when it is born though.

And I agree with you and the other posters that this is a sneaky (or not so sneaky) baby shower.  It sounds like her husband is on to it and doesn't want anyone to think it was his idea.  He pretty much throws her under the bus with that last sentence!

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:9aa6a281-3505-466b-9ab2-b2634ecd3bfc">Re: What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you think this is and should I go? : Maybe it wasn't unprotected. Shiit happens. The only thing the OP mentioned was a car seat, not things. I get  where ya'll are coming from, I just don't get the question or the thread. If she's your best friend, then do what you can. If she's just some chick, then side eye away.  If you don't want to get her a gift, don't. If you do, get a gift card or some crappy pair of baby socks from the Dollar Tree. ETA, a baby shower has stupid baby food and name that rhyme games. A birthday party doesn't. Right? Could she literally just not need anything for herself?
Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]
The pregnancy was planned, but that's neither here nor there.

Not all baby showers have those games. The shower I threw for her for her first baby didn't have any games.

If she didn't need or want anything, then they could have just put that on the fb invite. But they didn't, she registered at Babys R Us and suggested we use that.
And, honestly, I don't think presents should be mentioned, anyway. I mean, if it's not a shower, then gifts shouldn't be mentioned, right?


I'm leaning towards going to the movies, then stopping by afterwards with the load of laundry, but cleaned.
We usually don't do presents for birthdays, so it won't feel weird not bringing something for her (well, for the baby, really). Usually I bring a bunch of her favorite cookies, so maybe I'll just do that, too.
Does that sound ok?

lauraf1202

  I think that sounds more than ok; it sounds really nice.  You are above and beyond a good friend, and she's lucky to have you. 

kikibaby

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:03f63884-c960-4161-82e3-28ac11f175a6">Re: What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow, that's quite the invitation. I'd probably go after the movie and bring a bottle of wine, exactly what I would normally bring if I was attending a party. I wouldn't bring a present for friend unless it was a "special" birthday (like 30, 40, etc.) and I wouldn't give a baby present at that time. I would give a small present for the baby after it's born.
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]

You only give your friends birthday presents every 10 years?  Well, huh.

cengle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:e4500322-7632-43f7-a8c5-218ee0032a89">Re: What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you think this is and should I go? : I'm leaning towards going to the movies, then stopping by afterwards with the load of laundry, but cleaned. We usually don't do presents for birthdays, so it won't feel weird not bringing something for her (well, for the baby, really). Usually I bring a bunch of her favorite cookies, so maybe I'll just do that, too. Does that sound ok?
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

I think that sounds fine.

golden1215

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:7292efb0-d5ff-4ec0-af9c-54ae08061305">Re: What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]Personally, if I considered her my best friend, I would buy her baby a gift - regardless of whether it's disguised as a birthday party or not.  Also, for my best friend, I wouldn't miss her birthday party to go see Harry Potter.  I feel like I have to stress best friend here, because for some random acquaintance this would be a totally different story for me. Sure, I may not agree with her life choices - but that's not the baby's fault.  And I can side with her on the "buy gifts for my baby instead of me" thing, since that's what she really needs (rather than another bottle of wine).  I have only one child and I'm OK financially, but I'd still rather my daughter received gifts instead of myself.
Posted by xyrius[/QUOTE]

this.

jessienjeremy

I dont think she trying to put her friend down or trash talk her. I have friends that do idiotic things. Like the one I have who got prego by another one of our friends after 4 months of dating and decided they had to get married. Now she sees just what type of guy he really is. I tried to tell her she didnt have to marry him just cause she was prego. But she wanted his military benefits. That was idiotic. 

I think its a shower... either dont go.. or like PP said bring a bottle of wine or buy HER something.. not the baby.

amber2123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:aa9657a7-bdd6-4e3a-a135-6855449cf4f1">Re: What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you think this is and should I go? : It sounds like she's in a tough spot, she's already pregnant, you know? You can't really change that. If she's a good person, support her.<strong>If all she needs is a car seat, get everyone to pitch in $10 and get one of craigslist,</strong>or just a $50 graco or scenera or whatever, you know? 
Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]
Yea, because a used carbseat is better than an expired one.  IF you're going to get a car seat, get a new one.  Just because a used one looks okay dosen't mean that it was never in a crash and was used properly.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:ad6226bf-a830-4771-bda7-a8696992264e">Re: What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]I had trouble getting through that bolded part. I had to read it carefully. Poor kids don't stand a chance.
Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I'm sort of concerned that he's raising 3 kids.

I love how his email was basically: "Yeah, these are the presents she wants. She registered. For baby presents. For her birthday. You know what? I have no idea what's going on. Talk to her about it, she planned the whole thing and made me write this email."

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:9aa6a281-3505-466b-9ab2-b2634ecd3bfc">Re: What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you think this is and should I go? : Maybe it wasn't unprotected. Shiit happens. The only thing the OP mentioned was a car seat, not things. I get  where ya'll are coming from, I just don't get the question or the thread. If she's your best friend, then do what you can. If she's just some chick, then side eye away.  If you don't want to get her a gift, don't. If you do, get a gift card or some crappy pair of baby socks from the Dollar Tree. ETA, a baby shower has stupid baby food and name that rhyme games. A birthday party doesn't. Right?<strong> Could she literally just not need anything for herself?</strong>
Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]

That doesn't change the fact that she's basically throwing her own party and advertising her registry. I can see having a baby registry without a shower but 1) not for a third kid and 2) not advertising your registry and 3) not disguising it as a birthday party.

emierose

if it were me:
forget that's she preggers and she and her husband are totally trying to pull the wool over everyone's eyes.
I'd decline the invite "sorry I already made plans, but I'd love to take you to lunch for your birthday, since you are my best friend and all!". Buy her a sandwhich. If you are especially good friends and usually give bday gifts give her a gc for a pedicure, because "with so much going in you deserve some you time".
that's just me, but that's exactly how I'd handle it.

sister2groom

I'm pretty sure there's are publicly-funded car seats for those who can't afford them, since you can't bring the baby home without one.

I agree, it was foolish to have a baby if she couldn't afford one, and she's being pretty rude about the way she's asking for help. It's one thing to tell friends you need financial help and another to throw your own party (I mean if finances are that bad, you probably shouldn't be throwing parties). However, telling her she shouldn't have gotten pregnant is rude and pointless, like telling your child she was a "mistake."

chocoholic4life

Hopefully stopping by after the movie with her kid's laundry will show her what a great friend you already are without having to go along with her fake shower.  Seriously, she's a lucky gal.

**Will people please stop suggesting that OP bring a bottle of wine as a gift?  The woman is pregnant.

LowerEastSiiide

The way she went about this was quite tacky and your right, if she can't afford kids, she should have made better choices BUT she is having a kid and your are her friend. You would have gotten her baby a gift anyway (I hope) when she/he was born, so get it a little earlier and I would say you wouldn't need to get another. 

No wonder why they can't afford a new car seat- her husband sounds um "special". What does he do for a living? 

JanoBean75

I have mixed feelings on this. While I'd be annoyed with their choices, it's certainly not the baby's fault. Perhaps a small gift card they can use toward a new car seat. I wouldn't outright buy one, because she'll know that no matter what you'll take care of things. But a $20 gift card to BRU is something she can use toward a larger purchase.

I'd still skip the party -- you already made plans for that afternoon.

mgmlove

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-this-should?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:87517770-09b3-4f56-97fb-51f48effa904Post:73ff264e-850c-455b-9b43-f6acd0bfb854">Re: What do you think this is and should I go?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Because I am a bitch I would get her a GC for a pedicure or some clothes or a bottle of booze or some flowers and chocolate and I would want to include a box of condoms.  </strong>As if I'd have the balls to give the condoms to her though. PS. Her husband sucks at spelling. 
Posted by mandysmear[/QUOTE]

THIS is funny! I think I would be with you on that.

mgmlove

I have 4 best friends (excessive, I know) and at least three of them would be okay with me missing their party for previous plans. The other one would not be okay with me missing for a movie (despite the previous plans). If you think your friend would be more upset about you missing her "birthday" party, then don't skip.

If you usually get her a gift, get her something for herself like PP suggested. Even a bottle of wine (she doesn't have to drink it while pregnant).

If you usually give your friends gifts when they have their babies, then give a baby gift then. Doesn't have to be a car seat. Some onsies or diapers always come in handy.

I agree that this isn't the babies fault and people can choose to have babies if they want (regardless of if it's a good idea or not) but you don't have to buy her all the baby goodies. You are already doing your part as her friend...laundry, moving stuff, etc. You sound like a good friend but you don't have to be her enabler.