Dads new wife to wedding?

mlondon17

My parents separated suddenly a yr ago and the divorce was final in April.... my dad is already remarried (in June) to the woman he left my mom for. My wedding isnt for another yr, however I know my mom cant stand the sight of his "new" wife, (a family friend for 15 yrs!) What should I do about inviting the "new" wife to bridal showers and the wedding? I LOVE my dad, but Im not a fan of his wife and dont want to hurt my mom.

salt78

You have to invite your dad's wife to the wedding. Don't worry about inviting her to the shower.

danieliza1127

You have to invite her to the wedding.  You could probably get away with not inviting her your bridal shower though, although it may hurt her and/or your dad's feelings.

mandysmear

You absolutely have to invite your dad's wife.   They are kind of a package deal.

This coming from the girl who doesn't particularly like her dad's wife. 

mica178

Invite her.  She might not show up if she knows a lot of the people there and is on bad terms with them.

If she does show up, make sure she's sitting far away from your mom.  It'll be fine.  They'll probably behave because they recognize that it's your day.

Juxtaposition00

Remember all the times when you were little and threw fits and your parents would make you calm down and tell you that you had to the be the bigger person about it.  Well, sometimes roles in life switch.  Invite your stepmom (thats right, she's your stepmom now), and if necessary sit down with your mom and explain how she has to be the bigger person, despite the fact that she got wronged.  Most likely though, she'll understand. 

sodell23

I agree with all of the above.  She needs to be invited b/c whether it is wrong or not, she is your dad's wife.  I definately dont think she needs to be invited to the showers though.  Tell your mom you love her but this is the proper way to do things and you know she will understand. 

L-Bride

This one's tough because I know that you have to invite your dad and his wife as a "unit" but I would have a really hard time with inviting the woman who my father cheated on my mother with. Especially if it were a family friend. I have to say I would most likely do the real klassy thing and tell my dad that he better not bring that wench near me.
I'm not saying to take this approach....just wanted to share how I would most likely feel.

jnic0319

If you want the correct "etiquette" answer, then you have to invite his wife.  However, I'm not sure if I could do it, especially with how close I am to my mom.  Have you talked to your dad about this before, are you and your dad close, is he walking you down the aisle?  If you don't invite the wife you risk never having a relationship with your father again, are you OK with that?

I can tell you I'm not inviting one of my grandmothers.  She is a mean and nasty individual who has only served to hurt me, my siblings and my mother.  I know she is not a "unit" with anyone, but it may forever change my relationship with my aunts and uncles, and I'm willing to take that chance.  So I think you need to weigh your priorities.

ETA: I definitely wouldn't invite her to the shower, and dad would have to be crazy to not understand why.

Moneypenny424

You need to invite her to the wedding, but IMO, by no means should she be invited to any showers.

Kati0105

Is there any chance she and your dad will decide that it's best if she doesn't attend?  I was really worried that my dad would want to bring his girlfriend (who was formally a friend of my mom's) but he and she had decided even before I broached the subject with him that she shouldn't attend.  

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dads-new-wife-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ab1cb4c-37e8-4f92-97df-eea8d3df51efPost:a19457dd-d004-47de-a9ed-5b679514a63e">Re: Dads new wife to wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]This one's tough because I know that you have to invite your dad and his wife as a "unit" but I would have a really hard time with inviting the woman who my father cheated on my mother with. Especially if it were a family friend. I have to say I would most likely do the real klassy thing and tell my dad that he better not bring that wench near me. I'm not saying to take this approach....just wanted to share how I would most likely feel.
Posted by L-Bride[/QUOTE]

I get what you're saying but cheating is a two-way street.  Dad cheated too so by the "she doesn't deserve an invite" approach, neither would he.

danieliza1127

Yeah good point MrsB.

L-Bride

I thought of that too when I wrote that. I would have a hard time having a decent relationship with my father too. For me personally it would be easier for me having my father there due to the fact that he is well, my father. I'm not saying what I would do is "right" but it's how I would feel (I think- since this is all hypothetical for me). I would expect that he would respect my feelings on it due to the situation.
But I agree. The dad's a D-bag too.

jnic0319

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dads-new-wife-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ab1cb4c-37e8-4f92-97df-eea8d3df51efPost:5f696c6f-c79f-482d-898f-b7dfac2ab554">Re: Dads new wife to wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]I thought of that too when I wrote that. I would have a hard time having a decent relationship with my father too. For me personally it would be easier for me having my father there due to the fact that he is well, my father. I'm not saying what I would do is "right" but it's how I would feel (I think- since this is all hypothetical for me). I would expect that he would respect my feelings on it due to the situation. But I agree. The dad's a D-bag too.
Posted by L-Bride[/QUOTE]

I agree with you.  I have a hard time believing I could ever have a good relationship with my father again if he cheated on mom with a long time family friend, or cheated at all for that matter.

playazsweetness

You have to invite her if you plan on inviting your dad.

L-Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dads-new-wife-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ab1cb4c-37e8-4f92-97df-eea8d3df51efPost:7d4c5715-d4b0-4ecd-9ecf-17165774943e">Re: Dads new wife to wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dads new wife to wedding? : I agree with you.  I have a hard time believing I could ever have a good relationship with my father again if he cheated on mom with a long time family friend, or cheated at all for that matter.
Posted by jnic0319[/QUOTE]

Right? I think I would be too emotionally vested in this situation to choose the "correct" etiquette.

Knittibell

Yeah, that sucks, but you have to invite her. Have a sweetheart table, and then seat them on opposite sides of the room with the appropriate friends/family. Maybe if you make a speech be sure to thank your mom for all her love and support, just to give her a boost on the day. Tell her privately that you hope she'll have too much fun at your wedding to be too upset by the new wife.

Storytime

Kati, I wish my FFIL was that reasonable.  FH is in a similar situation to the OP... He hates his dad's new wife (who FFIL left FMIL for), and does NOT want her there, but I highly doubt FFIL and new wife would personally elect for her not to go.  Tough situation.

mgmlove

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dads-new-wife-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8ab1cb4c-37e8-4f92-97df-eea8d3df51efPost:5acab0b7-f36e-4b91-b685-0152193c173e">Re: Dads new wife to wedding?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dads new wife to wedding? : Right? I think I would be too emotionally vested in this situation to choose the "correct" etiquette.
Posted by L-Bride[/QUOTE]

I agree. Etiquette is etiquette but when my dad screws around on my mom...screw etiquette.

ETA: But if you want to have a relationship with your father in the future, there may not be much of an option. She doesn't need to come to showers though.

I think my biggest fear would be that she would show up and act like all MOB since she is a long time family friend that would know the B well enough. That would make me mad.

Hopefully, if she came she would be quite and try to keep out of site of the actual MOB