Bridesmaid husband not invited

Pookieson

I'd pull out of the wedding.  I would also reevaluate my friendship with this couple.

reppunzel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-husband-not-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8af6b7-c87e-4298-8cd1-e34f5669d5cfPost:56c5e11f-32a3-409f-b01d-b26260184484">Re: Bridesmaid husband not invited</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you so much for all of your advice! The Bride and my husband have been friends for years. The groom is a friend of my husband and mine. I think that's what makes us all the more confused. She said that if she starts inviting people that its like a domino effect. They wanted really small. Her side is her MOH, myself, her parents and her grandparents. <strong>His side is his 3 groomsmen, their SOs</strong>, one little boy who is the ring bearer, his grandparents, parents and his Aunt. There won't be a reception afterward, there is just a dinner. I guess there are some family members that weren't invited (that are very close with her). They want to go, so inviting my husband that isn't family would be more hurtful to the family that wants to go. <em><strong>The way the MOH has described it to me</strong></em> is that my husband will be there for me as my support so I can give 100% to her. My husband has been amazing about this. At first he was really upset and hurt and now he just wants it over so we can move on. This situation has definitely hurt our friendship with them. I think I will talk to her and let her know that she has hurt our feelings. If he is still not invited maybe she's not the friend I thought she was. My husband and I have talked about it and I won't pull out, because she really does need a support system right now. The groom is what I like to call "groomzilla". He seems to be dictating everything, and I think she's going to be sad later.
Posted by jmshoemate[/QUOTE]

OP, I am so, so sorry you and your husband are having to deal with this ... it's awful!!!

From the way you described your relationship with this friend and her family, I would definitely sit down and talk with her.  Make it a heart-to-heart, preferably in a relatively low-stress setting with minimal distractions.

I'd suggest that your talking points be:
1.)  The first bolded part above.  If they weren't inviting any SO's that would be pretty rude, but to exclude only yours is inexcusable.  If other SO's are invited, the bit about family being upset cuz your H was invited ahead of them is horse dookey. 

2.)  Stage's point.  Only I would phrase it as a look-in-the-eye question:  "Friend, how can you [and FI] ask me to stand up in support of your marriage when you won't honor mine?"

And if you don't get a firm "yes" by the end of the conversation, I would say "wow, Friend, I'm really hurt and shocked by this.  I'll have to think long and hard about whether I can in your wedding if my husband is excluded."  Granted, at that point she may get angry and "fire" you from the wedding, but I would clearly communicate the potential consequences if she (and FI) continue to disrespect your H.

Last, I'd *strongly* recommend that at this point you talk with <em>her</em> and <em>only</em> her.  After you have the above conversation, bean dip the topic with everyone else (except your H, of course).  You may find that someone -- like the MOH, from the sound of things -- may try to be "emissary" and talk to you on her behalf, either to talk you out of insistence on H being invited or talk you back into the wedding party, should you choose to bow out.  Answer nicely but firmly, "thank you for your concern, but I've already talked this through with Friend.  How are plans for the flowers coming along?" 

<em>"But everything's all </em>arranged<em>!  This will cause problems!!!"</em>

"You know, this is between me and Friend.  The flowers sound gorgeous. How has your schnauzer been lately?"

<em>"But, but, but ... how can you </em>do <em>this to her when she's had all these other things go wrong?!?  She's not even getting a first dance and now THIS!  She's so upset! Can't you  spend one meal away from your H?"

</em>"<Name>, as I said, I've talked this through with Friend, and she and FI have made their decision.<em> </em>It is settled and I don't care to discuss it further."  (or, if it's still up in the air  " ... and she and FI have a choice.  I don't care to discuss it further.").  Full stop.  Pause.  Then deliberately change your body position and introduce a new topic.  If it comes up again in that conversation, I'd end it immediately.

The only person I <em>might</em> be willing to talk with about it is her FI, but I'd be inclined to have her FI talk to your H, especially if FI has any tendency to get blustery or overbearing with you.

Again, I'm so sorry for you ... and from the sound of things for her.  Please keep us updated!

rusngl2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-husband-not-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8af6b7-c87e-4298-8cd1-e34f5669d5cfPost:56c5e11f-32a3-409f-b01d-b26260184484">Re: Bridesmaid husband not invited</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you so much for all of your advice! <strong>The Bride and my husband have been friends for years. The groom is a friend of my husband and mine.</strong> I think that's what makes us all the more confused.
Posted by jmshoemate[/QUOTE]

<div>OK maybe I'm just dense, but when you say the bride & my husband have been friends for years, do you mean friends like we went to high school together and everything was cool. Or friends like, we tried dating once, decided we were better off friends and moved on to other people? 'Cause to me that would be the only VALID reason why her FI wouldn't want your hubby there....then again, my life is filled with drama so maybe I'm just reading WAY too much into this...</div><div>
</div>

Sephiroth

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-husband-not-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8af6b7-c87e-4298-8cd1-e34f5669d5cfPost:2ae5037c-e7e9-45f2-868b-7317b80f4f47">Re: Bridesmaid husband not invited</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid husband not invited : OK maybe I'm just dense, but when you say the bride & my husband have been friends for years, do you mean friends like we went to high school together and everything was cool. Or friends like, we tried dating once, decided we were better off friends and moved on to other people? 'Cause to me that would be the only VALID reason why her FI wouldn't want your hubby there....then again, my life is filled with drama so maybe I'm just reading WAY too much into this...
Posted by rusngl2[/QUOTE]


Even if it were a valid reason for the FI to not WANT the husband there, the couple would still need to make the choice to either invite both or neither.

But I did wonder the same thing - is there any possibility the FI is jealous of the bride's friendship with the OP's husband? It wouldn't make it ok, but it would explain it. Because as it is it's just clown car crazy.

rusngl2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-husband-not-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8af6b7-c87e-4298-8cd1-e34f5669d5cfPost:7abf9df1-9b6f-482e-87f0-ee56ac960ad1">Re: Bridesmaid husband not invited</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid husband not invited : Even if it were a valid reason for the FI to not WANT the husband there, the couple would still need to make the choice to either invite both or neither. But I did wonder the same thing - is there any possibility the FI is jealous of the bride's friendship with the OP's husband? It wouldn't make it ok, but it would explain it. Because as it is it's just clown car crazy.
Posted by Sephiroth[/QUOTE]

<div>Def not OK to invite the rest of the BP SO's but not hubby. I'm just trying to wrap my head around FI's logic...there may be no boarding that train but...</div>

orangehills

Sorry you are in this situation, that's horrible your "friend" is doing this. I say friend in quotes because a true friend wouldn't do that. I don't think you need to feel bad for her at all, she is putting herself in this situation and not acting like a friend to you. It's a two way street. You shouldn't go to the wedding if she doesn't invite your hubby. He may say it's ok, but he'll still be hurt that you went. Plus they may not realize they are ruining your friendship with them. Talk to her, no matter how awkward it is.. if she doesn't see the light of day, then you really should back out, just on principal!! Good luck!

NYCMercedes

Here's another voice telling you to walk away. Nobody better treat my hubby like that!