Wedding Etiquette Forum

Bridesmaid husband not invited

Hi everyone. I am in my friend's wedding. Her Aunt is the MOH and I'm a bridesmaid. The groom has 3 groomsmen on his side.
My friend and I are very close, much like sisters without the blood. She is also very close to my husband.
I knew my kids were not invited to the wedding. Woohoo! Was my first thought (I'm a stay at home mommy and don't get out much lol). I agreed to be a bridesmaid and the festivities began. A few weeks ago I learned my husband was not invited to the wedding. At this point the dress has been purchased. I've been told by close friends and family this is poor etiquette and that I should pull out of the wedding. My husband is very upset, hurt, by not being invited. Since I don't make any money, he has been paying for all the odds and ends of the dress, shoes, shower, bachelorette party, shower gift and wedding gift.

I think we were both floored that he's not invited. It is a very small wedding, but I'm the only person without my significant other there.

The bride has been super stressed and upset (her family is upset that she's not getting anything she wants...father daughter dance, because her fiancé doesn't want it; but that's a whole other story. I'm really torn on bringing this up to her. I'm not going to just pull out, I wouldn't do that to her. Where I'm torn is, do I talk to her and try to get him invited or do I just smile and ignore it and move on?
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Re: Bridesmaid husband not invited

  • Hmm this is tough.  From the end of your post, it kind of seems like her fiance is a little controlling (not letting her have a father/daughter dance because HE doesn't want it?)  Do you know him well?  Perhaps he's at the core of this no-husband rule, also.  I do think that it's not cool on your friend's part to not invite your husband.  I'm inviting friends and family and their SOs (where applicable) even if I don't know them well.  When people are married or a long-time couple, it's just assumed that they travel as a pair.  I guess it's up to you to decide how important your friendship is.  Do you still want to be friends with her, even if you can't bring your husband to the wedding?  If the answer is "yes" then I would say you should go.  If the answer is "no, this is a deal breaker" then I think you could pull out of the wedding without a problem.  Again, I don't know all the details, but perhaps your friend is in need of a support system right now if she has this rather controling fiance.  I hope all works out!
  • Normally I would say don't talk to her but you're a BM. I'd bring it up nicely that you feel hurt. Also, I know you say you won't back out but I personally would. She's ignoring your spouse the very person you share your home, your bed and intimate life all on the same occasion that she's going to be one herself? How hypocritical! I can't put friends ahead of my marriage.
  • You say they are close which makes the whole thing bizarre, but even if they weren't close there is no excuse for this. I would most defintley say something to her. If she refuses to invite your husband, I would back out of being a bridesmaid if it were me. But that's a choice you'll have to make. Are you really okay with standing up with someone who is okay with being so blatantly rude to your husband?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-husband-not-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8af6b7-c87e-4298-8cd1-e34f5669d5cfPost:8cee5434-93b7-4032-af21-32e385494e11">Re:Bridesmaid husband not invited</a>:
    [QUOTE]You absolutely need to bring it up. This is a huge insult to your marriage, an doubly so because you are a BM. There is no single logical excuse for not inviting your husband, even if she had never met him, let alone because he is a friend as well. I don't care how much stress she is under, this would be a friendship ending move in my book. I agree with Kristan that I would drop out if my H was not invited.<strong> I could not stand in support of the marriage of someone who thinks so little of my own.</strong>
    Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    Stage takes the words out of my mouth again.
  • I would back out of being a bridesmaid. Not only is not inviting your husband a breech of etiquette it is a breech in your friendship. She expects you to stand up and support her marriage but is disregarding your marriage and your husband. That doesn't sound like something someone would do to their nearest and dearest. It also sounds fishy that you are the only one invited without your SO. 
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    No way in hell would I be in this wedding or attend it as a regular guest if my husband was not invited.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • I would not stand for it, and I would let her know.  That's a massive insult to both you and your H.  How is being in her wedding party a position of honor if she insults your marriage? 

    If I was in her wedding party and she tried to pull this on me, her ears would STILL be ringing with what I have to say about that, all the way to the altar.  I stand by my husband.  Nobody insults him without dealing with me.  Nobody.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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    Anniversary

  • If this person is so close to you, like a sister, I see no reason why you shouldn't feel comfortable calling her up and expressing how hurt you are by the exclusion of your husband. 

    Call her and ask her why he wasn't included.  If she says "not enough space" or really, anything other than "oh my goodness!!  I'm so sorry. It was a major oversight", I would decline being in the wedding and sell the BM dress.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    The only way I would still be in that wedding is if my husband genuinely didn't care about going to the wedding. 

    For example, my mom's BBF's husband attends NOTHING.    BFF started telling people not to bother inviting him,as he wouldn't come anyway.   In that rare case I would still attend. 

    Your relationship with your DH is not like mom's BFF  Your DH is upset. For that alone I would backout.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Thank you so much for all of your advice! The Bride and my husband have been friends for years. The groom is a friend of my husband and mine. I think that's what makes us all the more confused. She said that if she starts inviting people that its like a domino effect. They wanted really small. Her side is her MOH, myself, her parents and her grandparents. His side is his 3 groomsmen, their SOs, one little boy who is the ring bearer, his grandparents, parents and his Aunt. There won't be a reception afterward, there is just a dinner. I guess there are some family members that weren't invited (that are very close with her). They want to go, so inviting my husband that isn't family would be more hurtful to the family that wants to go. The way the MOH has described it to me is that my husband will be there for me as my support so I can give 100% to her. My husband has been amazing about this. At first he was really upset and hurt and now he just wants it over so we can move on. This situation has definitely hurt our friendship with them. I think I will talk to her and let her know that she has hurt our feelings. If he is still not invited maybe she's not the friend I thought she was. My husband and I have talked about it and I won't pull out, because she really does need a support system right now. The groom is what I like to call "groomzilla". He seems to be dictating everything, and I think she's going to be sad later.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-husband-not-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8af6b7-c87e-4298-8cd1-e34f5669d5cfPost:4700eeb0-ca31-46b2-a9f0-4a819d698f24">Re: Bridesmaid husband not invited</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid husband not invited : .... and nobody puts baby in a corner
    Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]



    Lol, I was thinking that too :-) thanks for making me smile
  • QueerFemmeQueerFemme member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited March 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-husband-not-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8af6b7-c87e-4298-8cd1-e34f5669d5cfPost:56c5e11f-32a3-409f-b01d-b26260184484">Re: Bridesmaid husband not invited</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thank you so much for all of your advice! The Bride and my husband have been friends for years. The groom is a friend of my husband and mine. I think that's what makes us all the more confused. She said that if she starts inviting people that its like a domino effect. They wanted really small. Her side is her MOH, myself, her parents and her grandparents. His side is his 3 groomsmen, their SOs, one little boy who is the ring bearer, his grandparents, parents and his Aunt. There won't be a reception afterward, there is just a dinner. I guess there are some family members that weren't invited (that are very close with her). They want to go, so inviting my husband that isn't family would be more hurtful to the family that wants to go. The way the MOH has described it to me is that my husband will be there for me as my support so I can give 100% to her. My husband has been amazing about this. At first he was really upset and hurt and now he just wants it over so we can move on. This situation has definitely hurt our friendship with them. I think I will talk to her and let her know that she has hurt our feelings. If he is still not invited maybe she's not the friend I thought she was. My husband and I have talked about it and I won't pull out, because she really does need a support system right now. The groom is what I like to call "groomzilla". He seems to be dictating everything, and I think she's going to be sad later.
    Posted by jmshoemate[/QUOTE]

    OMG so she already gave you those half-assed reasons for not inviting him???  You are IN the wedding party.  Spouses should always be included.  Needing support or not, there is no way I would be in this wedding.   I probably wouldn't even be her friend if she thought that was an appropriate way to treat people.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Wait?  People actually get hurt and upset because the SPOUSE of a WP member gets an invite and they don't??  Really?

    I mean, I get being disappointed not getting an invite, but man you have to real complainer to call out a spouse of a WP member getting an invite and not you.   Geez.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-husband-not-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8af6b7-c87e-4298-8cd1-e34f5669d5cfPost:4700eeb0-ca31-46b2-a9f0-4a819d698f24">Re: Bridesmaid husband not invited</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid husband not invited : .... and nobody puts baby in a corner
    Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]
    <img id="irc_mi" style="margin-top:99px;" src="http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4a5dafUDl1rody9mo1_400.gif" alt="" width="300" height="204" />
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

    image

    Anniversary

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-husband-not-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8af6b7-c87e-4298-8cd1-e34f5669d5cfPost:0b917e17-e5c7-4afb-9757-57c820a8310a">Re: Bridesmaid husband not invited</a>:
    [QUOTE]She's inviting the SOs of the groomsmen but not your HUSBAND ?!?!? I'd be out like a fat kid in dodgeball.
    Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]
    Yea!  I totally picked up on this, too.  How come HIS side of the wedding party gets to bring their SOs but her's doesn't?  Ok, if there really were JUST going to be parents, grandparents, and one honor-attendant each, I'd say ok.  This is a small wedding, special circumstances, no one's SOs are coming.  Still makes me uncomfortable but I'd swallow it for a friend.  However, this is not the case.  Only your husband is being excluded.  This is not cool! 
  • edited March 2013

    ETA: sorry just figured out how to add gifs. I still think it is rude for your Husband to be excluded and for the bride to be okay with it. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-husband-not-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8af6b7-c87e-4298-8cd1-e34f5669d5cfPost:56c5e11f-32a3-409f-b01d-b26260184484">Re: Bridesmaid husband not invited</a>:
    [QUOTE]My husband and I have talked about it and I won't pull out, because she really does need a support system right now. The groom is what I like to call "groomzilla". He seems to be dictating everything, and I think she's going to be sad later.
    Posted by jmshoemate[/QUOTE]
    Was he like this before they started planning a wedding?
    image
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-husband-not-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8af6b7-c87e-4298-8cd1-e34f5669d5cfPost:56c5e11f-32a3-409f-b01d-b26260184484">Re: Bridesmaid husband not invited</a>:
    [QUOTE] My husband and I have talked about it and I won't pull out, because she really does need a support system right now. The groom is what I like to call "groomzilla". He seems to be dictating everything, and I think she's going to be sad later.
    Posted by jmshoemate[/QUOTE]

    Has he always been this controlling?  This seems like a red flag to me.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • After what you said, I'd back out. She's putting her SO before you. Why should she expect you not to do the same?
  • misshart00misshart00 Oklahoma member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    He sounds really controlling. I would be very concerned for your friend. I would still drop out of the wedding but tell her you're there if she ever needs you. She may really need a friend after this wedding. I suspect her FI is behind this and she feels guilty.
  • Without getting into it too much, she doesn't want to upset her fiancé. Many things are "not worth a fight". That, being a major problem on its own. I think part of me wants to be there for her and not ruin the friendship because I have a sneaky suspicion she will open her eyes shortly and then need her friends and family when she realizes that he's the only one that matters in their relationship. Both my husband and I have been yelled at by our friends and family saying that he should go and it's just wrong. I don't think it bothered him until everyone kept telling him that its rude. By the way, y'all are cracking me up. :-)
  • Ok basically I'm making excuses for her, trying to rationalize it. But you all are 100% correct. She can't expect me to stand up for her marriage when she refuses to acknowledge or respect mine. TXKristan LOVE your analogy! Banana468 you are absolutely right! BTW Congrats! I love your then and now pics. Princessbride20 lol that's too much :-) Simply Fated and cmsciulli not that any of us saw. He's always been very career driven. He has a specific job he wanted as a kid and now he's going to move cross country for it. She's giving up her jobs (2) that she's had for 10+ years. I guess we all just assumed he would be giving up something for her.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaid-husband-not-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8d8af6b7-c87e-4298-8cd1-e34f5669d5cfPost:ba9f342b-d036-4416-b219-fe64306c10f6">Re:Bridesmaid husband not invited</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Bridesmaid husband not invited: Yeah, you are making excuses for her. You don't have to let her treat you guys like crap in order to be there for her when this house of cards collapses. It's ultimately your call, but I think you are sort of spitting on your husband by still attending, even if he says you should.<strong> I would never ever choose my friends over my spouse, no matter WHAT their reason was for insulting him or treating him like crap. You just don't do that in a marriage.
    </strong>Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

    THIS!  I know your husband said it was ok. But, I really think it's disrespectful to him if you go through with this.   it's one thing to say to him "Oh, we are having a girl's night out.  No spouses allowed".  It's another thing to go to an event where you know your husband is being excluded and no one else's spouse is.  Your friend and her fiance sound like sexist a-holes, honestly.    Even if her fiance is driving this ship, she is letting it happen and going along with it.
  • Has she given you any excuse for why the SOs of the groomsmen are invited but the husband of a bridesmaid is not?
  • Ditto stage and cmg. Also, how would you feel if the roles were reversed and your husband went to a wedding to which you weren't invited? He may be brushing it off, but it's still wrong, IMHO.
  • Agree with everyone else.  Talk to your friend and let her know that your husband needs to be invited.  If she says he can't be, drop out.  Tell her that you love her, but you can't be a witness at her marriage while she disrespects yours.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • If you try to talk to her about this then you are a better person than I am.  If anyone did this to DH, I would make one hell of a scene walking out of this WP.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • Don't forget to send her a bill for your dress after you drop out. She needs to reimburse you.
    image
  • This is possible but not probable:

    Is there a particular reason that you maybe don't know about for his exclusion? It just seems odd to me that your husband is the only one excluded. Like he was singled out, for whatever reason.

    Like I said, not probable, but its something to think about. It would explain why she would place blame on her fiancé

  • I'm wicked sorry that you're in this position. How incredibly hurtful.

    You said it yourself, if, after you speak to her, your husband isn't invited, then she's not the friend you thought you were....and if that's the case, why would you stand with her up there and support her new marriage when she won't support yours?

    Take your investment into the wedding out of the equation when you make this decision.
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