How to handle requests for a +1?

JJJ625

I am getting married this summer. My husband-to-be and I sent out our STDs a few weeks ago. We decided to include a +1 for people who are married, living together, in a long term relationship, and  for the people in our wedding party. We have invited as many people as we can afford and were maybe foolishly assuming that would be that. I would have liked to include a +1 for everyone, but it wasn't realistic and my FI and I decided we'd rather spend our money on lots of people we actually know than on a bunch of people's random dates. Also, most of our guests know someone else at the wedding so it's not like people will be all alone.

I just got an email from an OOT cousin I'm not particularly close to but who's company I enjoy when I see her every few years. She asked if she can bring her boyfriend. I didn't know she had one.

What's a nice way of saying no, or of saying that I'll let her know in 5 months when RSVPs come in... I have a feeling this is a situation I'll be facing a lot and need to know how to handle it.

Thanks!

crash2729

People who have an SO should be invited as a unit. It's rude to do otherwise. 

I would try to include him but you may get other requests like this. 

strlzfan11

Tell her that if she's dating him when the invitations go out, you'll be more than happy to accommodate him.

lyndausvi

Well I would consider a BF of at least 6 months (maybe more because we do not know when they started dating) a long-time BF. Add in she is also OOT,  so yeah in this case I would give her the +1.    I mean just because you didn't know about the BF does not mean you just ignore they fact she as one.

Birdie1483

Unfortunately, there is no nice way because it was rude in the first place to not invite him. Its understandable if you didn't know someone was in a relationship, but anyone in a relationship, of any length, and in any living situation SHOULD be invited with their SO. It's not your place to judge who is worth being able to enjoy the company of the person they most likely hold dearest to them and who has to go alone.

My advice would be to rework your guest list so you're able to accomodate everyone and their dates. This most likely means making some cuts (assuming you haven't sent them a STD or already invited them to any pre-wedding parties).

redheadfsu

You say, "Of course he can come, I'm so sorry for any confusion"

Because he is her boyfriend and you MUST invite him. If you don't invite significant others, you are being a very very rude host.

Loopyseven

If she has a boyfriend now, and is sitll with him in 5 months, they are probably pretty serious and he should be invited with her.

kalpi108

I hate to be that person who says what you ought to have done rather than giving you advice on how to be rude to your cousin but, yeah, I don't know how to tell you to be rude to your cousin so... You really should have budgeted for this situation because you can't predict people's relationship status so far in advance. You just can't. Life doesn't work that way. Yes, truly single people can be invited without a +1 but even that can only be determined at the time that the invitations are sent out, not the STD's. They may be single when you send out the STD's and madly in love/living with someone by the time you send out the invitations. If so, yes, it's rude for you not to invite them with their significant other. 

I'd love it if the number on our current list stays the same but at the same time I don't because I'm so truly happy for my single friends if they find someone who's great for them. Example: My one friend has been pretty much single since I've known her (college) but in the time since we made the guest list and the time we sent out the STD's, she's started dating a guy she really cares about. I'll be so happy for them if it works out and he's "the one"; I'd hate to know later that I didn't let her bring him to my wedding because I thoughtlessly didn't budget for him to potentially exist beforehand. Every time I've drafted our list, I've written the number total for if the single people have no +1's and I've included the maximum number for if every single person on our list ends up with a significant other. It's just being realistic and a good friend/family member.

It sounds like you're saying it's too late to change things but I'd take another look at your budget and see where you can cut costs elsewhere to make up for this blunder and make sure that people who are legitimately in relationships can bring their significant other. I had to let my cousin know I was in a serious relationship and living with my boyfriend when he was sending out invitations for his wedding last year. He said of course he can come. A few months later, my boyfriend and I got engaged. I bet my cousin would feel pretty awkward coming to our wedding next summer if he had said "no" to my now fiance coming to his wedding because he hadn't budgeted properly to accomodate his loved ones and their loved ones.

Good luck with this.

Birdie1483

Kalpi makes a good point on budgeting ahead. I had no clue my friend would meet a guy and be married to him within the span of 6 months. It happens.

JJJ625

So what you all are saying is that you included room in your budget for every single person on your list to have a +1 to prevent being a "very very rude host" in case a formerly single guest hooks up with someone at some point before your wedding?
For real?

strlzfan11

Even if you didn't budget for it initially, there are ways you can re-work the budget (cut back on appetizers, favors, centerpieces, flowers, etc.) to accommodate the extra people (truly single people, however, do not need to be given a plus one).  It's ok that you didn't know she didn't have a BF, but now that you do, you should invite him.  There's a chance he may not be able to come anyhow if it's out of town for him.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_handle-requests-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93b7ceda-a7d7-426d-bc75-04f20b635a95Post:0f647d50-0129-4457-aec7-885b6c7cfc57">Re: How to handle requests for a +1?</a>:
[QUOTE]So what you all are saying is that you included room in your budget for every single person on your list to have a +1 to prevent being a "very very rude host" in case a formerly single guest hooks up with someone at some point before your wedding? For real?
Posted by JJJ625[/QUOTE]

not every person... but yes you need some wiggle room for new significant others.

strlzfan11

Budgeting for something (or someone as the case may be) does not mean it has to happen.

Matty143

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_handle-requests-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93b7ceda-a7d7-426d-bc75-04f20b635a95Post:0f647d50-0129-4457-aec7-885b6c7cfc57">Re: How to handle requests for a +1?</a>:
[QUOTE]So what you all are saying is that you included room in your budget for every single person on your list to have a +1 to prevent being a "very very rude host" in case a formerly single guest hooks up with someone at some point before your wedding? For real?
Posted by JJJ625[/QUOTE]

Pretty much.
 I left wiggle room for several things in the budget.
You should be inviting SOs regardless, but especially if someone cares enough to call you about bringing their SO you should be gracious and say "Of course!"

J&K10910

I think you should sabotage their relationship so you don't have to worry about it. 

kalpi108

Told you J&K is the smartest smartypants ever.

J&K10910

I knew I'd be hanging out on TK today, so I was sure to wear my smartypants.  I only have one pair, so I have to make them count. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

The proper response is, "Oh, of course you can bring your boyfriend! I'm sorry, I wasn't aware of your relationship. I apologize for not checking. How long have you been dating? Can you spell his last name for me so I can be sure to include it on your invitation?"

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_handle-requests-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93b7ceda-a7d7-426d-bc75-04f20b635a95Post:0f647d50-0129-4457-aec7-885b6c7cfc57">Re: How to handle requests for a +1?</a>:
[QUOTE]So what you all are saying is that you included room in your budget for every single person on your list to have a +1 to prevent being a "very very rude host" in case a formerly single guest hooks up with someone at some point before your wedding? For real?
Posted by JJJ625[/QUOTE]

Yes...

Granted, the likelihood that every single one of your formerly guests will be dating someone by the time your wedding rolls around is small.

Or you can give everyone a guest.

Also, this isn't even a situation where your cousin started dating someone AFTER you sent invitations and called to ask if she could bring him. She was ALREADY dating him when SAVE THE DATES went out (I'm assuming 6+ months before the wedding). It's not HER fault that you didn't know she had a boyfriend, and therefore you can't possibly punish her because of your failure to plan.

MyNameIsNot

If he is a boyfriend, you have to invite him.  Respond with "Of course you can bring your boyfriend.  I wasn't aware that you were in a relationship.  We aren't inviting singles with dates, so I didn't include him.  Give me his name so I can add it to the invitation list."  

As you get ready to make your invitation list, go the extra mile and figure out which of your guests are seeing someone.  

RanwaP

It's true that you have to invite everyone's significant other...

HOWEVER you don't need to leave room in your budget for every single single guest to get a boyfriend/girlfriend.  In fact, post-STD's we had about 4 breakups and 2 new relationships, so it still came out fine with numbers.  If they're in a relationship the significant other is invited, but in all likelehood every single single person who you've invited isn't going to get in a relationship in that time. And in all likelehood there will be breakups too.  

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_handle-requests-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93b7ceda-a7d7-426d-bc75-04f20b635a95Post:300ad2f3-25a1-4f24-9715-d4e03c5487b0">Re: How to handle requests for a +1?</a>:
[QUOTE]I wish I had smartypants. ::kicks dirt:: Also, J, I LOVE that picture of you and K.  It is so sweet.
Posted by crfb87[/QUOTE]

Thank you!

RanwaP

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_handle-requests-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93b7ceda-a7d7-426d-bc75-04f20b635a95Post:2e9ac23c-cbb4-4045-8ffe-ad0209ab3738">Re: How to handle requests for a +1?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to handle requests for a +1? : So what happens when you only assume that 25% of your single guests will end up with a SO, and 50% or 100% of them do?  And no one breaks up?  
Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]

<div>I've seen more posts than I can count from people asking if it's okay for to not invite single people with a +1.  The answer has always been if they're truly single, then yes.  Now you're saying that you still have to budget and plan for everyone having a +1?  If you have to budget for it you might as well invite them with a +1.  So which is it? </div><div>
</div>

kalpi108

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_handle-requests-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93b7ceda-a7d7-426d-bc75-04f20b635a95Post:8f992b29-bbc3-497b-b3ff-3f50ad519165">Re: How to handle requests for a +1?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to handle requests for a +1? : I've seen more posts than I can count from people asking if it's okay for to not invite single people with a +1.  The answer has always been if they're truly single, then yes.  Now you're saying that you still have to budget and plan for everyone having a +1?  If you have to budget for it you might as well invite them with a +1.  So which is it? 
Posted by RanwaP[/QUOTE]

<div>It's the difference between a minimum and a maximum budget. There's what we'd prefer to spend and what we can spend. I also don't expect that every last one of my single guests will end up with a boyfriend or girlfriend or that no one on my list will break up. HOWEVER, it's called being prepared so that you're not caught in a situation like OP's where she didn't plan for any single people to end up in a relationship and now she's asking for advice on how to be rude to her cousin. If all of my single guests end up in relationships, we're prepared to do what we have to budget wise to make that happen. If that does not happen, great, fewer guests, more intimate event, spend less money. I don't get what's hard to understand about that.</div>

JJJ625

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_handle-requests-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93b7ceda-a7d7-426d-bc75-04f20b635a95Post:8f992b29-bbc3-497b-b3ff-3f50ad519165">Re: How to handle requests for a +1?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to handle requests for a +1? : I've seen more posts than I can count from people asking if it's okay for to not invite single people with a +1.  The answer has always been if they're truly single, then yes.  Now you're saying that you still have to budget and plan for everyone having a +1?  If you have to budget for it you might as well invite them with a +1.  So which is it? 
Posted by RanwaP[/QUOTE]


Good question/point. Exactly what I was thinking...

And also, thanks to  the people who answered my question (my 1st on this site) politely instead of with the attitude that I'm setting out to be rude. I appreciate the people who pointed out what wedding ettiquite is (after all, this is my first time going through this) and gave me tips on how to word it.

LittleMissCutiePie

Let me tell you a story. My cousin got married in '09 (divorced in '10, but that's a different story), and she got married in November. In Alberta. Where as soon as it gets cold the roads turn into a death trap. I was required to attend, since family weddings are huge in my family. It was no biggie; I was happy to attend. Next thing you know, I get a call from my mother, telling me I could not bring my boyfriend of almost a year (now my FI). She had brought her fiance (then boyfriend) to family christmas, and they had only been together for one month, so I was not pleased. My mother wasn't either. You see, I was eight hours away at school, and would have to come up all by myself. I was an inexperienced driver and uncomfortable with winter driving. My mother asked my aunt if I could bring FI, and it was like trying score after hours tickets at Disneyland. My aunt was hosting, so she of course could have said yes, but she asks my cousin first, and she said she wanted to think about it. She later said she didn't want FI there because we were a new couple (the fam hadn't met him yet), and she didn't want that to be a focus of her day. Not her and her FI's day. HER day. I don't think that you are like this at all, but be aware some people will get VERY offended if you don't invite their +1's, and who knows? This could be your cousin's future husband!

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_handle-requests-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93b7ceda-a7d7-426d-bc75-04f20b635a95Post:0f647d50-0129-4457-aec7-885b6c7cfc57">Re: How to handle requests for a +1?</a>:
[QUOTE]So what you all are saying is that you included room in your budget for every single person on your list to have a +1 to prevent being a "very very rude host" in case a formerly single guest hooks up with someone at some point before your wedding? For real?
Posted by JJJ625[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>We did.  DH and I were engaged with a few months of meeting each other.  So we knew being engaged for 15 months it was a real possibility our truly singles would find an SO.   </div><div>
</div><div>We only had a few truly single people to begin with, only about 50% of those actually brought a date.</div><div>
</div><div> </div>

MeganG12345

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_handle-requests-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93b7ceda-a7d7-426d-bc75-04f20b635a95Post:d10b7518-850c-4ce4-9ae7-55213bb64fcc">Re: How to handle requests for a +1?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to handle requests for a +1? : Good question/point. Exactly what I was thinking... And also, thanks to  the people who answered my question (my 1st on this site) politely instead of with the attitude that I'm setting out to be rude. I appreciate the people who pointed out what wedding ettiquite is (after all, this is my first time going through this) and gave me tips on how to word it.
Posted by JJJ625[/QUOTE]

<div>My plan is to budget for all of my singles to enter into a relationship before my wedding. If they don't then I'm looking at it as found money that I will put towards my honeymoon.</div>

MyUserName1

I budgeted assuming that every single person on my guest list would bring a date. And their children.

If they do, everyone is happy.

If they don't, then YAY WE GET MORE ALCOHOL!

mandctaft

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_handle-requests-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:93b7ceda-a7d7-426d-bc75-04f20b635a95Post:aec4e712-645b-4d6b-bb82-8ba26907a9ca">Re: How to handle requests for a +1?</a>:
[QUOTE]Tell her that if she's dating him when the invitations go out, you'll be more than happy to accommodate him.
Posted by strlzfan11[/QUOTE]

This. It's not like you are saying they won't last, but the STDs are only for people you KNOW are going to be invited. When the invitations go out, you'll have a better idea of how many extra people you can invite. You don't want to say NO right off the bat, because it could cause hurt feelings that could be avoided later on.

MyUserName1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_handle-requests-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:93b7ceda-a7d7-426d-bc75-04f20b635a95Post:a90377c4-d4f9-4648-a4c4-905c46c513a6">Re: How to handle requests for a +1?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to handle requests for a +1? : This is exactly how we did it.
Posted by Birdie1483[/QUOTE]

<div>And, did you end up getting YAY MORE BOOZE?</div>