Eloping?

WildRumpus

Oh for goodness sake OP, you got exactly what you asked for. Advice. If you want to change your plans, fine, go for it, more power to you, have a great time. But people were trying to help and let you know that some of your guests may (rightfully) be offended or upset. There was really no need to run off to another board stomping your feet and whining about how mean everyone was.

The Mel and Todd Show

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_eloping-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:97a6f56b-e3e1-421b-b6e4-d8c4a6bda26ePost:18b02383-e479-4413-b3ea-a6cb7f1420a6">Re: Eloping?</a>:
[QUOTE]II didn't realize it was bad etiquette that we decide to scrap our plans and go with what truly makes us happy. It was news to me. Especially since the only actualy people buying plane tickets are our parents who are coming to LV with us. Unfortunately I cannot care that it's bad etiquette because I have to do what's right for my FI and I, and our budget -- as terrible as that sounds.  I really didn't know how to let people know about the change and that's why I came to this board. I wanted to handle it the best possible way and that's why I came to this board, hoping to hear the different opinions so I could make a decisions. I knew writing my posts I would get advice I didn't exactly agree with, but I also didn't expect for people to start making fun of me or my plans without really knowing what's going on. I didn't mean to offend anyone with the cookie cutter term. Apparently I didn't know it bothered people, and I didn't mean to p.o. anyone by using it.  I just meant that we were planning a typical ballroom wedding where you are given options by the venue and you pick from A,B,C. I never said I was looking for something unique, and I guess I should have maybe explained myself a little better in the OP. I also wasn't looking for drama or trouble and I am extremely sorry for posting on this board. All I was doing was looking for some advice from the experts. Thanks for your input, have a wonderful day.
Posted by jmob1923[/QUOTE]

But, see, you got that advice.  You just don't like it. 

Yes, it is bad etiquette to un-invite people to an event.  Any event.  Sometimes it happens.  When it does, you have to take care of minimizing the repercussions as quickly and gently as possible.  Your circumstances are interesting because you are not cancelling your wedding to elope.  You are, instead, cancelling it so you can have a different kind of wedding.  As I said before, people may be hurt by this.  This will because of what you did, not because we said so. 

Like I also said previously, I am eloping on Friday.  I, like you, didn't want to spend the money and make the plans for a huge wedding that wasn't what I really wanted.  But I am legitimately eloping.  We have two witnesses and an officiant.  If I came in and was like "Guys, we scrapped our plans!  STDs are out, but instead we're going to take our 20 besties to AC for the weekend and keep it crunk!" I would have gotten the same reaction you are.  You made a decision that isn't ideal, and you're going to have to deal with what comes. 

Snippylynn

Jmob, the only thing that ticks me off about your post, is you deciding that we were all horrible to you, while almost everyone said, "It's rude, but send out a notice now."

WTF was so bad about that?

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_eloping-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:97a6f56b-e3e1-421b-b6e4-d8c4a6bda26ePost:18b02383-e479-4413-b3ea-a6cb7f1420a6">Re: Eloping?</a>:
[QUOTE]II didn't realize it was bad etiquette that we decide to scrap our plans and go with what truly makes us happy. It was news to me. <strong>Especially since the only actualy people buying plane tickets are our parents who are coming to LV with us.</strong> Unfortunately I cannot care that it's bad etiquette because I have to do what's right for my FI and I, and our budget -- as terrible as that sounds.  I really didn't know how to let people know about the change and that's why I came to this board. I wanted to handle it the best possible way and that's why I came to this board, hoping to hear the different opinions so I could make a decisions. I knew writing my posts I would get advice I didn't exactly agree with, but I also didn't expect for people to start making fun of me or my plans without really knowing what's going on. I didn't mean to offend anyone with the cookie cutter term. Apparently I didn't know it bothered people, and I didn't mean to p.o. anyone by using it.  I just meant that we were planning a typical ballroom wedding where you are given options by the venue and you pick from A,B,C. I never said I was looking for something unique, and I guess I should have maybe explained myself a little better in the OP. I also wasn't looking for drama or trouble and I am extremely sorry for posting on this board. All I was doing was looking for some advice from the experts. Thanks for your input, have a wonderful day.
Posted by jmob1923[/QUOTE]

Yeah, your parents may be the only ones paying for their plane tickets for your new wedding in May, but what about all of your other guests that might have already bought tickets for your October wedding. (When did you send STD's? Just curious).

You were told (by many posters) that it's rude to invite someone and then uninvite them. If you're going to do it though, send out a notice now, not later, so your guests don't make travel arrangements. Nothing rude about that. Posts about cookie cutters and such are just side posts that amuse the rest of them. Now please, unwad your panties and read the advice for what it is. Advice.

And Em brought up a good point. Can you still do the October wedding but change the venue so it's not a ballroom and you don't just have to choose ABC? I'm sure there's a way to make it simpler while still having your original wedding with the already, essentially, invited guests.

WildRumpus

I would also like to point out that as of last week, her parents were not supportive of the change of plans...so apparently she really DOESNT care about upsetting people.

aprilfresh11

Jmob: Apparently on TK, proper etiquette is completely different from having couth. Your friends and family already know that you are a sweet and thoughtful person, so I'd be willing to bet that they would be at least somewhat compassionate when it comes to "un-inviting" them to your wedding. Not everyone has parents who are willing to shell out upwards of $30k for a wedding, and I'm sure your more mature friends and family would rather not go to your wedding if it meant that you could save a ton of money instead. October is 10 months away, and aside from having to think about what to wear, chances are they haven't made any travel plans that cannot be cancelled. Maybe you could extend the invitation to anyone willing to go to Vegas?? Of course, the sooner you tell them, the better, but anyone who is going to throw a hissy fit because you decided to change your plans 10 months out is not worth your time.

Regardless of *proper etiquette*, you will, without a doubt, upset someone. But it's up to them to decide whether or not they will get over it. If you handle it with class, you will know that you have done all that you can, and the rest is in their hands.

PP's: It seems rude that you made a mockery of the cookie cutter comment and actually went so far as to go into your kitchen, take out all of your cookie cutters, snap a photo, and upload it into a post on TK. Perhaps you would be better off hanging out on the Snarky Brides thread. Or maybe The Nest.

andy71781

Its so weird....seems like everybody who says what OP is doing is ok and that we are mean hags are getting married in October.  huh.

ps - nobody was mean.

JanoBean75

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_eloping-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97a6f56b-e3e1-421b-b6e4-d8c4a6bda26ePost:7a7c2411-31f6-4fc5-8ec3-e6a10a7ff013">Re: Eloping?</a>:
[QUOTE]Jmob: Apparently on TK, proper etiquette is completely different from having couth. Your friends and family already know that you are a sweet and thoughtful person, so I'd be willing to bet that they would be at least somewhat compassionate when it comes to "un-inviting" them to your wedding. Not everyone has parents who are willing to shell out upwards of $30k for a wedding, and I'm sure your more mature friends and family would rather not go to your wedding if it meant that you could save a ton of money instead. October is 10 months away, and aside from having to think about what to wear, chances are they haven't made any travel plans that cannot be cancelled. Maybe you could extend the invitation to anyone willing to go to Vegas?? Of course, the sooner you tell them, the better, but anyone who is going to throw a hissy fit because you decided to change your plans 10 months out is not worth your time. Regardless of *proper etiquette*, you will, without a doubt, upset someone. But it's up to them to decide whether or not they will get over it. If you handle it with class, you will know that you have done all that you can, and the rest is in their hands. PP's: It seems rude that you made a mockery of the cookie cutter commen<strong>t and actually went so far as to go into your kitchen, take out all of your cookie cutters, snap a photo, and upload it into a post on TK.</strong> Perhaps you would be better off hanging out on the Snarky Brides thread. Or maybe The Nest.
Posted by aprilfresh11[/QUOTE]

No one actually did this. Someone did take the time to do a search and download a photo of cookie cutters to tease someone who wasn't the OP.

Either way, it's still rude to uninvite guests. She needs to send a notice NOW to let guests know the events in October will not take place as planned. Don't wait until May do this because by then, people will have made travel plans that DO COST MONEY to change.

mica178

I can't wait for the Oct 11 migration!!  I am giddy with anticipation.

OP, I had a bunch of H's relatives contact me right after the STDs went out saying that they already bought plane tickets and were making hotel reservations and switching vacation schedules.  So that you don't put out/inconvenience more people who think there'll be a wedding in October, please let everyone know ASAP not to ask for vacation time and/or buy nonrefundable tickets.  I would not wait until May to tell them via wedding announcement.

Oh, and you're not eloping.  I don't blame you for wanting a smaller wedding, but call a spade a spade, please.

aprilfresh11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_eloping-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97a6f56b-e3e1-421b-b6e4-d8c4a6bda26ePost:aea17591-35a0-4ff4-9680-06003225f0c6">Re: Eloping?</a>:
[QUOTE]Its so weird....seems like everybody who says what OP is doing is ok and that we are mean hags are getting married in October.  huh. ps - nobody was mean.
Posted by andy71781[/QUOTE]


I'm not saying it's ok, but should she really go through with a wedding that she doesn't want/can't afford-or whatever the reason is- simply to assuage the feelings of everyone else? Of course she needs to be considerate, but it IS her day after all. She can't take back the fact that she already sent out STD's. Now it's time to deal with it and move on. There's a way to say things nicely, and it seems like most posts are rude for no reason.

Mrs.B6302007

Santa didn't bring some people senses of humor this year, did he?

Goldlie11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_eloping-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97a6f56b-e3e1-421b-b6e4-d8c4a6bda26ePost:92cf14d3-c2cb-4012-aa1d-81d667ed1cc9">Re: Eloping?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Eloping? : I'm not saying it's ok, but should she really go through with a wedding that she doesn't want/can't afford-or whatever the reason is- simply to assuage the feelings of everyone else? <strong>Of course she needs to be considerate, but it IS her day after all. </strong>She can't take back the fact that she already sent out STD's. Now it's time to deal with it and move on. There's a way to say things nicely, and it seems like most posts are rude for no reason.
Posted by aprilfresh11[/QUOTE]
People are telling her that she isn't being considerate.  She is NOT eloping.  She is having a destination wedding and not inviting people to her wedding that she already invited.  A save the date is an early invitation.  Not an "I might invite you".  It's fine to cancel the original traditional wedding.  I'm pretty sure that she can find a church or community center to host a cake and punch reception in.  This way she's being budget conscious and still being polite.  <div>
</div><div>Being an adult means you can just stomp your feet and say, "I want it my way".  </div>

Calypso1977

i can understand not having a big wedding if you cant afford it.  but why book a place and then send STD's?  can OP not do simple math?  i mean, you must know how much at least your meal will cost you at the time you send STDs.  if it was too much, the she shoudl ahve reconsidered before she sent them, or not have sent them at all.  tehy arent required.

Queen Jane

I hope this doesn't turn into the May 2011/E double board posting, as I frequent both. Or maybe I do, it was kind of amusing to read through (Yes, I am an October 2011 bride, but I came across this when I was checking posts on E, not through the month board).

Jmob, you should listen to the ladies of E. I know they might be saying things in a way in which you are not used to hearing them, but to be fair, you asked a question. About etiquette. And you got responses, people here were trying to get the story straight to give an appropriate answer.

By definition, it is a DW rather than elopement, and I can completely understand why it would be considered rude to "uninvite" your guests. The best course of action, if you really can't get a budget wedding together and are set on the DW, would be to get a cancellation notice out ASAP.

MrsTucker2011

You're not eloping - you're moving your wedding day and uninviting guests.
I'd be POd if I bought tickets, and was planning on going to an Oct. wedding then find out it was changed to May and I wasn't invited. Don't expect any housewarming gifts from your uninvited guests...

sarahebrown

Hey JMob,
Do whatever is right FOR YOU. Forget anything else. I'm so sorry these girls posting above are being so rude and unnecessarily mean to you. This is a tough situation and I hope you and your Fiance find the best way through it.

The Mel and Todd Show

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_eloping-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:97a6f56b-e3e1-421b-b6e4-d8c4a6bda26ePost:733d6187-212a-46f4-a175-b500bf31f878">Re: Eloping?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey JMob, Do whatever is right FOR YOU. Forget anything else. I'm so sorry these girls posting above are being so rude and unnecessarily mean to you. This is a tough situation and I hope you and your Fiance find the best way through it.
Posted by sarahebrown[/QUOTE]

Thank god you stopped by.  She might have gotten out of here with good advice on the proper etiquette in this situation.  Now that you're here, though, she can listen to ONLY YOU and do whatever she damn well pleases.  Man, that was a close one. 

Goldlie11

Wow.  I just read the post on the October board.  Waiting until May to tell the people you sent STDs to is disgusting.  Those who were planning to attend will most likely have their tickets by then.  Would you really risk that?  I can't imagine that any of your family members would say that's okay.  What is wrong with you?

jess9802

I don't understand how a wedding eight months out has become SO OVERWHELMING and out of control that a bride would feel compelled to reschedule it. Rather than deciding to get married in May and offending so many people you have all but invited at this point, why not just take a bit of a breather from the wedding planning and come back to it in a couple of months?

msteph82

Does that mean you're coming to the May 2011 board?  We're a whole mess of crazy over there. :-)  Come drink the Kool-aid. 

Sorry.  I'm PMSey as all get out today, stumbled on this and had to open my big mouth.  Hi E board.  I'm Missie, long time lurker, first time poster.  :-)

And I agree with what the majority of PPs have said.  I would be really upset if we were told after we had booked flights/hotels, etc that someone had eloped.  Money does not grow on a tree in our backyard.   But I wouldn't care if you told us right away (before we had made plans) and were forthright and said "hey everyone, we moved the wedding up and are now getting married in wherever on whatever date" and left it at that.  I might side-eye it a little bit, but IT HAS TO BE ADRESSED to your guests before this gets out of hand.

Good luck with everything!

mica178

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_eloping-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:97a6f56b-e3e1-421b-b6e4-d8c4a6bda26ePost:029ceed5-cf31-4e12-83b4-397b7781ddc4">Re: Eloping?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Eloping? : Thank god you stopped by.  She might have gotten out of here with good advice on the proper etiquette in this situation.  Now that you're here, though, she can listen to ONLY YOU and do whatever she damn well pleases.  Man, that was a close one. 
Posted by The Mel and Todd Show[/QUOTE]

I <3 Mel.  And not just because she said that when I'm mean I'm still nice.  :)

lolomilly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_eloping-5?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:97a6f56b-e3e1-421b-b6e4-d8c4a6bda26ePost:af0a0df5-8621-43e2-9dfa-5e56b55029ed">Re: Eloping?</a>:
[QUOTE]I hope this doesn't turn into the May 2011/E double board posting, as I frequent both. Or maybe I do, it was kind of amusing to read through (Yes, I am an October 2011 bride, but I came across this when I was checking posts on E, not through the month board). Jmob, you should listen to the ladies of E. I know they might be saying things in a way in which you are not used to hearing them, but to be fair, you asked a question. About etiquette. And you got responses, people here were trying to get the story straight to give an appropriate answer. By definition, it is a DW rather than elopement, and I can completely understand why it would be considered rude to "uninvite" your guests. The best course of action, if you really can't get a budget wedding together and are set on the DW, would be to get a cancellation notice out ASAP.
Posted by Queen Jane[/QUOTE]

I say ditto to everything Queen Jane said (I <3 you QJ, I think I always agree with you). 

I am also an Oct 11 bride, and while I do like there, I would never ask a question there that I wanted a straight answer to, because you won't get it.  Everything is all flowers and rainbows on month boards.  The E ladies are right, and I don't think anyone was really that rude.  You shouldn't be posting on message boards if you are afraid to hear opposing opinions.

By the way...hi E ::waves:: I guess this is my "coming out" of the E lurkers closet.  And am I allowed to ask why some PPs don't have anything nice to say about Future Mrs?  Just curious.