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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Please offer some advice re: Rehersal dinner nightmare
My 28 yr old son is getting married in a month to the 25 yr old daughter of longtime friends/neighbors. We are quite happy at the prospect of having these people as in-laws.
Her parents are paying for a nice reception & wedding dress. My son is paying for things like flowers, a photo booth, favors, etc. I am a cake decorator and am happily making an elaborate wedding cake at their request, a groom's cake & chocolate strawberries, to serve with the cake. I have been baking for 30 yrs for other couples and am happy to finally get to do this for my own family.
As the groom's parents, my husband & I are hosting the rehearsal dinner. Originally I wanted to have a casual & affordable home based picnic the weekend before the wedding, since I will be very busy with their cake during the week. This idea was vetoed by the couple because one bridesmaid wouldn't be able to attend.
We are very much in debt due to medical bills from a recent serious illness, and do not currently have the means to pay for an elaborate affair, (we will be charging what ever we do) but we wanted to do the nicest thing we could and booked a favorite casual restaurant of ours for a dinner to serve about 35 guests. Another relative, knowing our financial situation, has offered to assist with the bill. (And yes, my son knows money is tight for us right now.)
He called and informed us that he & his fiancée "hate that place" and don't want the dinner there. They want it at a pizza restaurant they feel we should be able to afford. If we can't afford a rehearsal dinner, then he'll pay for it. He was extremely rude & obnoxious and his father & I told him we felt he was completely out of line.
We do want to pay for the event, but we do not want to have it at a pizzeria. As his father pointed out to him " This is ridiculous. We're talking about one meal. You never have to eat there again if you really hate it that much."
Tonight my son called to tell us that they are canceling the rehearsal dinner because we will not do what they want. If we have it where we have planned they & the wedding party will not attend. Among the things said: WE are selfish - this party isn't about "us" it is a dinner for THEM and THEY should be able to have what THEY want, where THEY want it. Her parents are spending a lot of money on the reception and they all think we should be doing our part.
He claims they won't do anything at all, after the rehearsal now, but I am sure they will all go to this pizzeria and we just won't be included, nor will the other family members we had planned to invite. This is just wrong. I told him I felt he was being extremely rude, ungrateful, selfish and that he is ruining any chance we have for a good relationship with our daughter in law and making for a very awkward situation with her parents (our friends).
He said they all agree with him and feel we are wrong.
My daughter in law posted this on her facebook page:
"It amazes me that the people who call themselves friends/family can be so selfish and self-centered. Sometimes, it's not all about you. Get over yourself and start thinking of others. #bitches #weddingproblems #seeingthelight #dontmesswithabride"
These two are acting like a couple of bratty children throwing a tantrum. I can't believe they are so willing to hurt our feelings and write us off like this. Although this isn't the first time my son has been out of line with me, it is the first time he has done this sort of thing to his father. And its probably the first time is father has agreed with me on anything. (And no we aren't divorced. We are married 30 years!)
My understanding of the rehearsal dinner is that it is supposed to be about getting the two families & couple's best friends together to relax and spend some time celebrating in a hopefully pleasant and relaxing way. A time for the happy couple to thank their friends and family for supporting them and being there as they start their new life together.
I didn't realize it would be "all about" the selfishness of a couple of ungrateful brats. Clearly there is a major communication problem here and we need to sit down with these two (and probably with our friends also - but separately I think) to further discuss this. We are very upset and hurt right now and emotions are running too high at the moment.
I've been online reading up on rehearsal dinner etiquette but this whole situation is rather bizarre & not addressed. Can anyone offer some thoughtful advice?
Her parents are paying for a nice reception & wedding dress. My son is paying for things like flowers, a photo booth, favors, etc. I am a cake decorator and am happily making an elaborate wedding cake at their request, a groom's cake & chocolate strawberries, to serve with the cake. I have been baking for 30 yrs for other couples and am happy to finally get to do this for my own family.
As the groom's parents, my husband & I are hosting the rehearsal dinner. Originally I wanted to have a casual & affordable home based picnic the weekend before the wedding, since I will be very busy with their cake during the week. This idea was vetoed by the couple because one bridesmaid wouldn't be able to attend.
We are very much in debt due to medical bills from a recent serious illness, and do not currently have the means to pay for an elaborate affair, (we will be charging what ever we do) but we wanted to do the nicest thing we could and booked a favorite casual restaurant of ours for a dinner to serve about 35 guests. Another relative, knowing our financial situation, has offered to assist with the bill. (And yes, my son knows money is tight for us right now.)
He called and informed us that he & his fiancée "hate that place" and don't want the dinner there. They want it at a pizza restaurant they feel we should be able to afford. If we can't afford a rehearsal dinner, then he'll pay for it. He was extremely rude & obnoxious and his father & I told him we felt he was completely out of line.
We do want to pay for the event, but we do not want to have it at a pizzeria. As his father pointed out to him " This is ridiculous. We're talking about one meal. You never have to eat there again if you really hate it that much."
Tonight my son called to tell us that they are canceling the rehearsal dinner because we will not do what they want. If we have it where we have planned they & the wedding party will not attend. Among the things said: WE are selfish - this party isn't about "us" it is a dinner for THEM and THEY should be able to have what THEY want, where THEY want it. Her parents are spending a lot of money on the reception and they all think we should be doing our part.
He claims they won't do anything at all, after the rehearsal now, but I am sure they will all go to this pizzeria and we just won't be included, nor will the other family members we had planned to invite. This is just wrong. I told him I felt he was being extremely rude, ungrateful, selfish and that he is ruining any chance we have for a good relationship with our daughter in law and making for a very awkward situation with her parents (our friends).
He said they all agree with him and feel we are wrong.
My daughter in law posted this on her facebook page:
"It amazes me that the people who call themselves friends/family can be so selfish and self-centered. Sometimes, it's not all about you. Get over yourself and start thinking of others. #bitches #weddingproblems #seeingthelight #dontmesswithabride"
These two are acting like a couple of bratty children throwing a tantrum. I can't believe they are so willing to hurt our feelings and write us off like this. Although this isn't the first time my son has been out of line with me, it is the first time he has done this sort of thing to his father. And its probably the first time is father has agreed with me on anything. (And no we aren't divorced. We are married 30 years!)
My understanding of the rehearsal dinner is that it is supposed to be about getting the two families & couple's best friends together to relax and spend some time celebrating in a hopefully pleasant and relaxing way. A time for the happy couple to thank their friends and family for supporting them and being there as they start their new life together.
I didn't realize it would be "all about" the selfishness of a couple of ungrateful brats. Clearly there is a major communication problem here and we need to sit down with these two (and probably with our friends also - but separately I think) to further discuss this. We are very upset and hurt right now and emotions are running too high at the moment.
I've been online reading up on rehearsal dinner etiquette but this whole situation is rather bizarre & not addressed. Can anyone offer some thoughtful advice?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Please offer some advice re: Rehersal dinner nightmare
Posted by evilmotherinlaw[/QUOTE]
Your view of a rehearsal dinner is absolutely correct! I hope you sit your son down and have a talk with him, let him know that just because he is getting married, gives him no reason to act like an ungrateful "spoiled brat". No child should ever talk back to their parents in such a way. And your daughter-in-law posting that on FB, really? How hurtful could she be?
I know you are filled with emotions right now, I just hope you do the right thing and figure this out. I know for a fact that if I ever said anything like to my parents, they would back hand me and say "goodbye, enjoy planning a wedding without our help!"
Try talking to the parents of you daughter-in-law. Ask them if they have been treated this way as well... You never know if they are helping with this behavior or suffering from it as well.
if the groom's family hosts, you should really let his mom and dad be the creative directors of the evening. - that's from the link below.
Read more: Wedding Rehearsals: The Basics - Wedding Planning - Rehearsal Dinner http://wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/rehearsal-dinner/articles/wedding-rehearsal-basics.aspx#ixzz26K7UVF8f
Traditionally, plan and host the rehearsal dinner with the groom's dad (plan 6 months before the wedding; host the day before).
Read more: Mother of the Groom: Mother of the Groom Duties in Detail - Bridesmaids Mother of the Bride - Mother of the Bride http://wedding.theknot.com/bridesmaids-mother-of-the-bride/mother-of-the-bride/articles/mother-of-the-groom-duties-in-detail.aspx#ixzz26K9IM1ld
So when you first said PICNIC, the couple should have said, "Oh, that's great! Thanks so much."
And when you said OK NO PICNIC - WE'LL HOST IT AT THIS CASUAL FAVORITE RESTAURANT, the couple should have said, "Oh, that's great! Thanks so much."
And when you said OH NO NOT AT A PIZZARIA, the couple should have said, "Oh, OK then. We understand that you are hosting the RD - it's the only thing the groom's parents get to host in this entire weekend, and we understand that you need to make the decisions about the RD as well as sign the contracts and pay the bills for the RD. Thanks so much."
My suggestion is that you and your husband go out to dinner with the bride's parents, and talk about all of this. Or you could call a meeting for you and your husband and the bride and the groom with the OFFICIANT, so that the officiant can re-set this couple's priorities and respect.
Here in the South, the RD is taken very seriously. In the past five years, one woman I work with had her son marrying a girl in Vermont, and another woman I know from a charity group had her son marry a girl in Baltimore. In both cases, the groom's parents planned a four-day weekend to fly up to the wedding town, go to three or four possible RD locations and do tastings and pricings, and then choose one RD location and set the details from napkin color to menu, and then sign the contract.
No, but she's posted this on the ETIQUETTE board which means that she is soliciting comments from people who know what is traditionally done and what fits with the etiquette of the event.
The links I shared are from the most popular wedding website in 2012 - not some old etiquette book from decades ago.
I also agree that if they don't like what you offer, they are free to plan and pay for it themselves. However, I don't see the problem having the dinner at the pizza place. They were considerate of your budget in picking a venue they liked and felt comfortable at. You could certainly tell them that, after talking it over, you would be fine with having the event at the pizza place, but at this point they might think that their tantrums got them their way, and might try to use that tactic again in the future.
[QUOTE]. I especially hope that this girl's mother gets wind of that Facebook post and has a little come-to-Jesus meeting with her. [/QUOTE]
Actually, her mother gave the comment a thumbs up if you can believe it.
I can only shudder at the thought of what my son must be saying to these people.
[QUOTE] />> It is not the "right" of the groom's parents to host the RD. No, but she's posted this on the ETIQUETTE board which means that she is soliciting comments from people who know what is traditionally done and what fits with the etiquette of the event. The links I shared are from the most popular wedding website in 2012 - not some old etiquette book from decades ago.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]
Just because decades ago e groom's family was obligated to host the rehearsal dinner DOES NOT mean that a bride and groom MUST accept the groom's parents' offer to host an RD if it doesn't meat their wishes. I still think the B&G in OP's case are acting like spoiled brats. If they wished to decline they should have done so politely and without all of the negative posts.
ETA: As for the FB post, it's ridiculous, but I think it just makes the bride look bad, so I wouldn't worry too much about it.
[QUOTE] />> It is not the "right" of the groom's parents to host the RD. No, but she's posted this on the ETIQUETTE board which means that she is soliciting comments from people who know what is traditionally done and what fits with the etiquette of the event. The links I shared are from the most popular wedding website in 2012 - not some old etiquette book from decades ago.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]
Tradition =/= etiquette, Kristin. You've been around long enough to know that. There is no etiquette rule that states that the Rehearsal Dinner is the purview of the groom's parents. And you should also know that the knot's main website is a terrible resource for etiquette, even for issues that are actually about etiquette.
If it's not, I'm sorry your son, FDIL, and the rest are treating you poorly.
I think that after a cooling off period, you, your H, your son and your FDIL need to sit down and start over. Do not bring her parents - or Facebook - into this. Gently remind them that if they want a rehearsal, they need to provide something for those who attend. Listen to their reasons for prefering the pizza place and share yours for the other location. Find out what they have in mind about contributing to offset costs. You all seem to have the same goal of having a pleasant evening with family and friends, so start there and see where you do agree.
[QUOTE]Actually, the point to a rehearsal dinner is to treat the people who attend the rehearsal to a meal to thank them for taking the extra time out of their lives to rehearse for the wedding.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
Right! That's what I thought. But mainly I'm very disturbed with the audacity of OPs son to take that tone and choice of language. I'm trying to put that to the side though with only one month to go maybe it's just a result of the quickly upcoming nuptials.
I would go with other PPs who suggested a sit down with the OP, husband and son. OP should communicate her displeasure with the way her son spoke to them and their hopes that he never does that again. But also that you can see his side in terms of their location preference.
If you wanted to have it at a place that was both affordable but a bit more elegant than a pizzeria them perhaps you three can compromise and come up with a list of possible places that they don't hate but also won't bust your budget. That way they have input and you're hosting things the way you want to as well.
Agree with PPs, especially Stage, Avion, and Cfas. The bride and groom are within their rights to refuse your offer to host the dinner if they don't like the "strings". However, they're being a bit ridiculous in how they're handling it. It really should've been more of a team effort. If they didn't like the place you chose, they should have either accepted it, or said "hey, we're really like to do it at the pizza place and we're willing to pay for it if you feel like it's too much for you." They shouldn't have demanded a venue change and expected you to cover it.
FWIW, I actually don't love the restaurant our RD was at. I had a different one in mind, but it was WAY more expensive so to save my MIL money, I chose this place. It was close to our rehearsal site and could accommodate a group and was relatively cost effective. So that outweighed my distaste for their menu. And you know what? It ended up being pretty good. IMO, this stuff is about compromise. There's lots of factors at play here - finding a site that's close to the rehearsal, that serves food that you all like, that can accommodate the number of people, that is within budget, yada yada yada. You're not going to get perfection. You both need to be more understanding of that and sit down and work it out. That may mean you only pay a portion of the event so they can have it at their desired and more expensive choice, or they suck it up and have it at the "cheaper" venue even if they don't love the food.
www.detroitwedding.weebly.com
Awful behaviour think they were very rude to turn down the offer. Yeah it may be technically OK ettiquette but its rude when your son knows about your circumstances.
All you can do to avoid drama is just go along with this I think, and try to be the better person.
I am tempted to say, discreetly ice "spoiled entitled bitches" into their cake but that really wouldnt be very nice.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Please offer some advice re: Rehersal dinner nightmare : Actually, her mother gave the comment a thumbs up if you can believe it. I can only shudder at the thought of what my son must be saying to these people.
Posted by evilmotherinlaw[/QUOTE]
<div>Wow. Definitely don't include the bride's parents, then-- just deal with your son (and his fiancée).</div><div>
</div><div>While I agree that a couple should feel free to decline the offer to host a RD, it doesn't sound like that's what is happening here-- Son says they're just not going to do *anything*? That seems like he's trying immature tactics to get his way. "FINE we'll just have NO DINNER AT ALL SO THERE." (pause, wait for you to offer to do it his way...) OR they're going to have a rehearsal dinner and not invite his parents/his family? That doesn't seem right. </div><div>
</div><div>I just wanted to say that I am so sorry that your son and his fiancé are behaving this way. I want to give you an internet hug!! It was so kind of you to offer to host the RD, despite your financial concerns; there are so many couples who would be thrilled if the groom's parents offered to host. It sounds like your heart is in the right place, but things have now gotten so tangled that the only thing you can do is take a deep breath and talk in person to clear the air. If they want to host their own RD so that they can have everything their way, they are allowed to do that. It's not how it used to be--and it doesn't give them free reign to be rude to you--but if they've made that decision then you have to let them. I hope it becomes less dramatic very soon!!!</div>
I feel that if someone is offering to do something for you that is pretty costly, then graciously accept. If they want to do something ABSOLUTELY ridiculous, like go to Burger King or something, then feel free to decline. But your offer sounded extremely generous.
They are acting like self centered brats, absolutely. It's a shame they aren't more mature for their age.
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My husband is so upset by all of this, that at the moment he doesn't feel he can attend the wedding at all - or even wants to now. "It will be too awkward to be around them & her parents after this." he said. Neither of us really slept much the night I posted. The phone call from our son had brought him to tears while on the phone & I think when he went upstaris, he cried. And that just doesn't happen. He is not an emotional guy. My son has no idea what he has done to his father.
Since I am usually the target of my son's disrespect, I was remotely amused that he had directed his attack at his dad this time. His father always sides with him, and leaves me twisting in the wind. He needs to see this disrespectful bastard side of our son that I usually have to deal with alone, but I feel bad knowing he is so deeply hurt.
I planned to call the pastor that will be perorming the ceremony since I worked with her years ago, to see if she could help. Unfortunately, I wasn't home much yesterday, and last evening, my son & his fiancee stopped by unannounced, and caught my husband alone and off guard, before I had a chance to make the call. They are supposed to be doing the same with me (today I think) and I am dreading it.
My husband said he told them how he felt ( feeling awkward & no longer wanting to attend wedding) and said he cried. Son's fiancee cried too. Apparently she was not home when our son made the nasty phone calls and hadn't heard what he said to us.
It does not sound like they apologized - rather they made excuses.
They say they are feeling very stressed by everything right now (having big problems with bridesmaids who don't like each other) and are upset about things that went wrong at the recent bridal shower (another nightmarish story - bad weather, bridesmaids fighting/not helping & etc.) Maybe that works on dad, but I still don't feel it warrents this behavior or attitude. I'm sorry, but they will not get very far with me if they don't apologize and act sincere about it.
They spoke with the pastor, (damn - beat me to it!) who clearly only heard their side of this, because her advice to them was that "it's your day so you should do what you want". I'm sure she'd be mortified if she heard of how my son has acted and spoken to us.
They said they are thinking that a rehersal dinner with all these people who are fighting with each other, - lumped together in the same room - will be a disaster. They even said they might call the whole wedding off just get married at the justice of the peace! ( Seems rather extreme to me. This may be more drama to get us to back off & let them have their way and manipulate dad since my son is like a fish out of water when dealing with parents who are a united front.) I am pondering all this with a cocked eyebrow.
I am afraid I am still too emotinal to handle this well. I am thinking of either sending bride a link to this post or having them read it when they get here before I will talk with them bout this. They need to know that we are not the only ones who feel they hare behaving badly.
I desperately want to go somewhere and not be here! I'll let you know what happens. Thanks again for all your input. I REALLY appreciate it.
Some random thoughts:
I haven't sent a link to this thread, although I think we need some back up regarding our position from SOMEWHERE. It wasn't like I was going to post a link to her facebook page (although I did think about that as a way to prove this is a real situation, but decided against it.) I'm hoping she has had enough sense to delete her comment.
Someone asked what it is about having the RD at the pizza place that I don't like. I feel places like that are "fast food" similar to McDonalds, Burger King etc. I think a RD at a place like that would seem tacky & cheap - in my opinion: an embarrassment. The RDs I've attended were all at nice restaurants. Only one was a backyard picnic (my own RD) 30 yrs ago. And we did that because we knew my in-laws couldn't afford a fancy sit down dinner.
I think I will tell them that and ask for specific reasons why they "hate" the place we have booked. Then if they have behaved appropriately during the visit, perhaps I can suggest we compromise and come up with a neutral location we can decide on together. If they continue to behave the way they have been, I think I'll just tell them that our 2 offers stand and they can choose to decline and pay for & plan their own RD if they wish.
My husband mentioned tonight that the pastor told them they didn't really need to have a rehersal or a RD since there is nothing about the ceremony that is unusual & couldn't be gone over the day of the wedding on site.
Thanks again for your help everyone.