Wedding Etiquette Forum

Inviting elderly guests

Ok, so here's the situation.  We are planning a smallish ceremony and reception at a local restaurant.  I was talking with my mother this weekend about the guestlist.  I have included a couple of family members on the list who are older and likely not able to make it to the wedding.

My thinking was, that in an ideal situation, yes these are people who I would like to be there on that day.  Also, because of who they are that it is appropriate that they should be invited--that they should get the respect or honor of the invitation.  Yes I would hope they could make it if they can, but I certainly wouldn't want them to make a trip that was too difficult or burdensome.  I would not want to hurt feelings by not inviting them.

Her thinking is that while that sounds right, she is worried that if some of these people get an invitation they will feel obligated to make a trip that might not be good for them.  And I certainly can see her point.  She also thinks that if it is small, there is less chance of hurt feelings for not getting an invitation. 

I really am stuck on what to do here.  Certainly some of you have been in this situation.  I should also mention that these guests are mostly from her family, so I also sort of feel like she has a vote?  She hasn't "put her foot down" or anything, but I feel like if I do what I am inclined to do (invite them) I will be going against her wishes.  I think we both have our hearts in the right place, I just don't know what to do.  WWYD?  Thanks!

Re: Inviting elderly guests

  • I agree with you. Thinking of the older people in my family, I think they'd be more hurt than anybody not to be invited. I'd send invitations. Perhaps your mom could call them and in a very subtle way make sure they know if the trip is too much for them, you understand.
  • In any wedding you invite guests that you aren't sure will be able to attend, but you hooe that they do.  We are inviting a few relatives of my FI, that we are 99% sure will not be able to come due to distance and age.  We would never consider not inviting them though.  Elderly people are pretty good about knowing their travel restrictions, at least my grandma and my FI's relatives are.  The only way I could see you not inviting them is if they are perhaps a 2nd cousin and since your wedding so small you aren't inviting anyone past 1st cousin, etc.  I agree with your original thought, that out of respect you should invite the relative, and if they are able to travel then more love on your wonderful day.  I would also worry about the opposite, that what if they don't get invited and talk to someone who is also an equal relations and they are invited, then you have offended them by not inviting them.
  • Justs because they are elderly doesn't mean they can't/won't make a well thought out decision.  Invite them and leave it for them to decide if they want to attend.  To do otherwise is to make the decision for them when they are capable of making it for themselves.
  • Just to be clear, I have massive respect for these people.  And I know they are adults and capable of making decisions for themselves.  But I could see especially in one case where this person might overextend.
  • You should invite them. They will most certainly be hurt if you don't.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • I don't care what your age it, I think it's condenscending to say "hey we were going to invite you and but thought you might be overwhelmed and we didn't want to put you through that stress?".   They are adults.   Its no dfferent than not inviting a younger person because they are low on funds.   They will either come or they won't.   It's not up to you to make the choice for them simply because you *think* they might be overextended.


    FWIW - Some of my cousins put their money together and paid for my aunt to come to my brother's wedding in AZ as a xmas gift.  It would have been pretty shitty of us no to invite her because we knew she was poor.

    We invited my 92 year old aunt to my OOT wedding.  She had been sick also.  She made it to the wedding (her daughter took her).  My wedding as the last social event she attended before she died. She had a great time.   Huge smile on her face.   I have one of the last pictures of her and her family (it's hanging up in the daugther's home).    Would have sucked if I choose to not invited her because I knew she was old and sick.







    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • My mom had the same thinking about my 98 year old great aunt.  I wanted to invite her, my mom said basically the same as yours - she's older, wouldn't want her to feel obligated to come, etc.  So I didn't send her a STD.  But then I saw her at the next family event and felt bad, so I made sure to tell my mom she was going to be invited and she can decide day of, if she wants to attend or not.

    So I sent her the invitation.  She did not attend because she rarely goes out at night anymore.  She prefers to stay in and only go out during day time hours.  But she told me how lovely my invitation was and I showed her some wedding photos next time I saw her.  If you want these relatives there, send the invite.
  • edited February 2013
    We have invited several elderly guests who will most likely be unable to attend, including my grandmother who definitely cannot attend due to health issues. I definitely think it's both appropriate and considerate to let these people know you love them and would love for them to participate in their day if they are able. They'll be able to judge whether or not they can attend.

    The ONE exception to this, in my experience and opinion, is if someone has a degenerative mental illness such as dementia and Alzheimers. I have a great aunt and uncle who are both suffering from fairly severe Alzheimer's. We called their daughter, who is basically their caretaker, to see if she though an invite would upset them. We knew that when my other grandmother was in that stage of the disease, something like that would be a constant upsetting thing for her because she'd misplace it and then see it and then panic about whether or not she knew the person and whether or not she'd RSVP'ed, etc. Their daughter requested that we not send an invitation as they wouldn't be able to come anyway and it would, indeed, be a stressor for them. So, if anyone is suffering from Alzheimer's or dementia, that might be the only reason to see if it would be problematic for them to have an invite.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-elderly-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d60aa6b-2a6d-44c7-a0d2-ee2bc0ab7bcaPost:60bbb494-131a-49d9-b4a7-a4b15308d0ce">Re: Inviting elderly guests</a>:
    [QUOTE]We have invited several elderly guests who will most likely be unable to attend, including my grandmother who definitely cannot attend due to health issues. I definitely think it's both appropriate and considerate to let these people know you love them and would love for them to participate in their day if they are able. They'll be able to judge whether or not they can attend. <strong>The ONE exception to this, in my experience and opinion, is if someone has a degenerative mental illness such as dementia and Alzheimers</strong>. I have a great aunt and uncle who are both suffering from fairly severe Alzheimer's. We called their daughter, who is basically their caretaker, to see if she though an invite would upset them. We knew that when my other grandmother was in that stage of the disease, something like that would be a constant upsetting thing for her because she'd misplace it and then see it and then panic about whether or not she knew the person and whether or not she'd RSVP'ed, etc. Their daughter requested that we not send an invitation as they wouldn't be able to come anyway and it would, indeed, be a stressor for them. So, if anyone is suffering from Alzheimer's or dementia, that might be the only reason to see if it would be problematic for them to have an invite.
    Posted by vonclancy[/QUOTE]
      Very good point.  We also have that situation and we are not sending an invite to my great uncle because his Alzheimers has progressed to the point that he doesn't recognize his children.  Other than that, all great aunts, uncles etc. grandparents are invited.  
  • I really think you should invite them and let them decide if they can come. If they overextend themselves, that's not something you can control. I've never heard of any invitation being obligatory. If these older people are willing to risk their health attending your wedding, that's their choice. I think it would be worse to not invite them.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_inviting-elderly-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9d60aa6b-2a6d-44c7-a0d2-ee2bc0ab7bcaPost:45fe1f8c-1244-4e85-be35-fd632283de50">Re: Inviting elderly guests</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Inviting elderly guests :   Very good point.  We also have that situation and we are not sending an invite to my great uncle because his Alzheimers has progressed to the point that he doesn't recognize his children.  Other than that, all great aunts, uncles etc. grandparents are invited.  
    Posted by libby18bell[/QUOTE]

    I would agree to that as it's really the burden of the caretaker.  However, I would run it by the caretaker first as they would know what the person could handle or not.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Don't let your mother make their decision for them.  Most people know their own limitations and will not travel if it's going to be an inconvenience, financial burden, etc.  We had several elderly people decline, and several others attended only the ceremony.  In my experience, people will not attend out of obligation, unless we're talking about your grandparents or something.  Send the invitation. 

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  • I would invite them and allow them to determine for themselves whether or not they can come.  It's certainly possible that they won't, but not to invite them throws out that possibility even when they determine that they can.
  • I understand what your concern, but I agree with PP's, send the invite.  I was on the fence as well about inviting my great aunt, who is in her late 80's.  She's my late grandma's sister, and currently my oldest living relative.  I'm not sure if she'll make it or not (I'm inviting her daughter and son-in-law who she lives with as well), but if she does, I think it will be nice for both of us, like part of my grandma is with us.  Bottom line, I'm letting her make the decision.
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