Brother

frasey

Hey Ladies,

I think I need some advice here. We're getting married in July, so are getting ready to send out invites. But here's the sitch:

So my bro got married about 3 yrs ago, and has a 1.5 yr old daughter. Back in Dec though, he announced that he and his wife were breaking up and getting divorced. He moved out, daughter lives with her mom but my bro sees her quite often as per their agreement. He has since started dating a new girl who he knew before he broke up with his wife. You can read in between the lines as you see fit.

Here's the problem: I do not want to invite this new girl to my wedding. I have not met her, he is moving WAY too fast, and much of my family isnt even aware yet that he and his wife are not together anymore. My niece will be at the wedding.

Also, my FI's sibs arent bringing guests.

soooo is it cool for me not to invite her?

aragx6

If they're a couple, she should be invited.

But I'm wondering if the divorce is finalized yet? If not, my gut tells me you shouldn't have to invite her.

Curious to hear others' thoughts on that though.

laurenclaire1386

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9dcf3c78-bac7-40a1-a70f-0d605c8bbb80Post:c2f72b85-1b8f-49f7-a961-f6e46fd75658">Brother</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey Ladies, I think I need some advice here. We're getting married in July, so are getting ready to send out invites. But here's the sitch: So my bro got married about 3 yrs ago, and has a 1.5 yr old daughter. Back in Dec though, he announced that he and his wife were breaking up and getting divorced. He moved out, daughter lives with her mom but my bro sees her quite often as per their agreement. He has since started dating a new girl who he knew before he broke up with his wife. You can read in between the lines as you see fit. Here's the problem: I do not want to invite this new girl to my wedding. I have not met her, he is moving WAY too fast, and much of my family isnt even aware yet that he and his wife are not together anymore. My niece will be at the wedding. Also, my FI's sibs arent bringing guests. soooo is it cool for me not to invite her?
Posted by frasey[/QUOTE]
Nope. Don't use your wedding as a way to make a comment about his life choices.  It's really not any of your business, and if they're in an established relationship, she needs to be invited.

Habs2Hart

No. 

It is also not cool for you to judge their relationship.  It may not be ideal, but it's their relationship, not yours. 

If he's not ready to come out to the family about it, he may not bring her, but it should be his choice.

HockeyFan4

E wise you should not split a social unit...but I would talk to your brother....ask him if he had intended on bringing the "new girl" to the wedding...and remind him it might be awkward for him (& her) as most relatives think he is still married. 

laurenclaire1386

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9dcf3c78-bac7-40a1-a70f-0d605c8bbb80Post:483c1836-a47e-43b4-8302-e214c5dd4bda">Re: Brother</a>:
[QUOTE]If they're a couple, she should be invited. <strong>But I'm wondering if the divorce is finalized yet?</strong> If not, my gut tells me you shouldn't have to invite her. Curious to hear others' thoughts on that though.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]
My thoughts on that are if the couple is living apart, and has already seen a lawyer or judge, and is in the process of getting the stuff signed and rendered, then it's ok by me.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9dcf3c78-bac7-40a1-a70f-0d605c8bbb80Post:483c1836-a47e-43b4-8302-e214c5dd4bda">Re: Brother</a>:
[QUOTE]If they're a couple, she should be invited. But I'm wondering if the divorce is finalized yet? If not, my gut tells me you shouldn't have to invite her. Curious to hear others' thoughts on that though.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

This is what I said in the other thread.  If he's married, I don't think he gets a "guest".

Moneypenny424

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9dcf3c78-bac7-40a1-a70f-0d605c8bbb80Post:fe662bf0-eeba-4fe9-a28d-5642708b248d">Re: Brother</a>:
[QUOTE]No.  It is also not cool for you to judge their relationship.  It may not be ideal, but it's their relationship, not yours.  If he's not ready to come out to the family about it, he may not bring her, but it should be his choice.
Posted by Habs2Hart[/QUOTE]

I agree with this.  No one knows what was happening in that marriage or the specifics of his current relationship.  It isn't for you to decide.  Let him bring a guest and he can decide if he is ready to come out.

midgetthemighty

Invite her as PP's have said. Also, are your FI's siblings not inviting guests because they're not in a relationship or for some other reason?

Mrs.B6302007

OP- are they planning on a divorce or already in the process?  Because that could really influence the right move to make here.

laurenclaire1386

For what it's worth, OP, I think that it's kind of a diick move on your brother's part to choose to debut his separation and new girlfriend at your wedding. That doesn't mean you shouldn't invite her, but I kind of think your brother has poor timing and taste to want to do this at your wedding. Just like you shouldn't use the wedding to make a comment on his life, he ought not use it as a way to break the news to the family about his separation.

redheadfsu

If they are divorced you must invite his new GF. (If they are not, I would ask him his thoughts as it could affect custody). However, either way you should not judge the relationship. It is his life, so do not piss everyone off by telling him his new SO isn't good enough to get invited.

LDYGTR13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9dcf3c78-bac7-40a1-a70f-0d605c8bbb80Post:4a573f4b-b2d6-47ad-92d2-a61063195884">Re: Brother</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Brother : Nope. Don't use your wedding as a way to make a comment about his life choices.  It's really not any of your business, and if they're in an established relationship, she needs to be invited.
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

Hey nail? How did it feel with LC hit you on the head?

*rimshot*

frasey

Hey, thanks for the input.

Im not making a comment on his life - I really dont care what he does or who he dates. He is not divorced yet, and I actually don't know any other details because he never wants to talk about it, understandably. Its not about her not being good enough, its about not wanting everyone else at the wedding (including us and my entire close family) feeling awkward and wondering who this new girl is. I just dont want my wedding to be the stage for announcing his separation, as a PP said.

FI's sibs arent bringing guests because they don't have SOs and have already told us not to invite a guest with them. Its a super-small wedding.

laurenclaire1386

I think that's a valid concern. Have you talked to him about it? Do you know how he would feel about not bringing her?

midgetthemighty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9dcf3c78-bac7-40a1-a70f-0d605c8bbb80Post:045cd4dc-2a40-478e-a139-096c6029465d">Re: Brother</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey, thanks for the input. Im not making a comment on his life - I really dont care what he does or who he dates. He is not divorced yet, and I actually don't know any other details because he never wants to talk about it, understandably. Its not about her not being good enough, its about not wanting everyone else at the wedding (including us and my entire close family) feeling awkward and wondering who this new girl is. I just dont want my wedding to be the stage for announcing his separation, as a PP said. <strong>FI's sibs arent bringing guests because they don't have SOs and have already told us not to invite a guest with them. Its a super-small wedding.
</strong>Posted by frasey[/QUOTE]

That is a very nice gesture of them! I hope some of my close friends w/o significant others offer this as our guest list is huge but I would never force them to not bring a guest.

allisong23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:9dcf3c78-bac7-40a1-a70f-0d605c8bbb80Post:483c1836-a47e-43b4-8302-e214c5dd4bda">Re: Brother</a>:
[QUOTE]If they're a couple, she should be invited. But I'm wondering if the divorce is finalized yet? If not, my gut tells me you shouldn't have to invite her. Curious to hear others' thoughts on that though.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

Divorces can easily take 1-2 years in the best situations to become "final", long after the marriage ended. People have the right to get on with their lives (and form new relationships) when the marriage is long over.

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9dcf3c78-bac7-40a1-a70f-0d605c8bbb80Post:dab55568-e0e9-489e-9dc0-000e747cdff9">Re: Brother</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Brother : Divorces can easily take 1-2 years in the best situations to become "final", long after the marriage ended. People have the right to get on with their lives (and form new relationships) when the marriage is long over.
Posted by allisong23[/QUOTE]

And I would probably invite the girlfriend because of this. But if the OP is looking for an etiquette excuse to not invite her, that's probably her best shot at not being required by etiquette to do so.

GeauxTigers17

I'd just tell him to be careful if he isn't actually divorced. There are family law cases in Louisiana that say it's adultery until the ink is dry on the divorce decree, and if your state views marriage that way, his ex can potentially use that against him. 

While I think the social unit rule is wildly overstated on this board, it's going to look like a major "statement" against his choices if you don't let him bring her, and I personally wouldn't want to get into that. If you were going to make a statement about it, the thing to do would be invite neither of them, not leave off the girlfriend.

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9dcf3c78-bac7-40a1-a70f-0d605c8bbb80Post:045cd4dc-2a40-478e-a139-096c6029465d">Re: Brother</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey, thanks for the input. Im not making a comment on his life - I really dont care what he does or who he dates. He is not divorced yet, and I actually don't know any other details because he never wants to talk about it, understandably. Its not about her not being good enough, its about not wanting everyone else at the wedding (including us and my entire close family) feeling awkward and wondering who this new girl is. I just dont want my wedding to be the stage for announcing his separation, as a PP said. FI's sibs arent bringing guests because they don't have SOs and have already told us not to invite a guest with them. Its a super-small wedding.
Posted by frasey[/QUOTE]

If he doesn't talk about it, I doubt he will bring her. But ask him how he feels about it. But if you don't ask him before, then I would invite her to be safe (not inviting her could be viewed by him or her that you are judging him).

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

What do you mean we can read between the lines? I think you're making some huge assumptions which are likely not to be true.

Also, a separation is good enough to move on with your dating life, IMO.

Habs2Hart

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9dcf3c78-bac7-40a1-a70f-0d605c8bbb80Post:c2f72b85-1b8f-49f7-a961-f6e46fd75658">Brother</a>:
[QUOTE]Im not making a comment on his life - I really dont care what he does or who he dates.[/QUOTE]

Really? 

[QUOTE] Here's the problem: I do not want to invite this new girl to my wedding. I have not met her, <strong>he is moving WAY too fast</strong>, and much of my family isnt even aware yet that he and his wife are not together anymore. My niece will be at the wedding. Also, my FI's sibs arent bringing guests. soooo is it cool for me not to invite her?
Posted by frasey[/QUOTE]

This is you judging their relationship in your first post.

I can understand your concern, but like others have said, just talk to your bro about it.  He may be down with coming alone.

Carlydl

Maybe I just didn't read thoroughly, but is your soon-to-be-former SIL invited to the wedding as well?  You said your niece was coming, but I didn't read if mom was the one bringing her.  If this is the case and the rest of the family doesn't know about their separation yet, I think it would be very inappropriate for your brother to bring his new girlfriend (especially if you are implying your brother had an affair with this woman). 

That being said, I agree with PPs that having a nice, calm, private sit-down with your brother is the best way to go about this delicate situation.  Talk to him about your feelings and concerns, without bringing in any judgment, and let him talk about his.  Hopefully you'll be able to come to some kind of decision you are both comfortable with.

Good luck!

tayylor65

I have a completely different view on this than other posters.  My brother is likely marrying his current gf they're simply waiting a couple more yrs (waiting best fits what's going on in their individual lives but she and I already consider each other FSILs).  I love her to death and I know she and my brother are wonderful for each other; they're genuinely happy.

When they get married she will be my sister, my family.  Unless she cheats on or tries to kill my brother or something crazy there's no way I'll just sit around if my brother were to leave her and his daughter to randomly be with another woman.  Call it judging but that's what family is for and I hope he'd be the same way if I made a stupid move with my FI down the road.  

Etiquette goes out the window in this case.  Especially with your niece at the wedding I don't think it's appropriate to include your brother's new girlfriend and frankly, if she has any class she won't push herself into the scene so fast (I'm assuming this is all still recent).  

NuggetBrain

As long as he's still legally married, his wife is his SO and therefore the logical guest.  I would have absolutely no qualms about telling him that until the divorce was finalized, she wasn't invited to the wedding. 

tenofcups4me

That "legally married" thing is total BS. It can take a year or longer in many cases for a divorce to go through and it has nothing to do with the actual status of the relationship.

I'd invite the new girlfriend. Odds are good he won't actually bring her, but if you have concerns that your wedding isn't the right time or place to introduce her, just talk to him about it.

MyNameIsNot

If he's moved out, the marriage is over.  Legally married or not, it would be insulting to invite the wife.

I think you need to call your brother.  "Hey, bro, we're doing a guest list.  Would you like to bring Sue?  If so, I'd appreciate it if you'd call grandma before the wedding and let her know about your divorce.  You probably don't want to break the news to her by introducing her to your new girlfriend at my wedding."  

But really, if he's still keeping the divorce on the DL, he's probably not going to bring her.  I've never been through a divorce, but I can't imagine wanting to break the news to my family by introducing them to a new guy.

frasey

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_brother-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:9dcf3c78-bac7-40a1-a70f-0d605c8bbb80Post:11803bf8-7df5-4c5d-b05f-b56b5e6bf06e">Re: Brother</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Brother : Really?  <strong>This is you judging their relationship in your first post.</strong> I can understand your concern, but like others have said, just talk to your bro about it.  He may be down with coming alone.
Posted by Habs2Hart[/QUOTE]

The reason I said this is based on other things that arent relevant to this issue.

And no, the mom isnt invited.

Thanks again for the advice!

morrisonFTW

I'd talk to the brother first, let him know that you're feeling squicked about whether or not you should invite her, and see what he says.  Assuming he wants to bring her, or that they're seriously serious is a recipe for disaster.

Even if he's recently separated and dating a new chick, if he has any class at all, he will want to tell the family about the separation before springing the new broad at your wedding.  And what if they're just bangin'?  He might not be interested in inviting her to meet the family at all - ever.  I dated plenty of guys after my separation that I would have never in a million years let my family meet.  They were fun to hang out with, but bring them to a sibling's wedding, no effin' way.