Low Income Future-InLaws

emcreative

Hi all!

My fiance and I got engaged in September after five years of dating and are planning our wedding for June 2013. 

Part of the reason for choosing a date so far into the future is that his family moved across the country two years ago, so we wanted to give them as much time as possible to plan and save up for the trip.

We have called them several times to make sure that the date we have chosen will work for them, to let them know about the venue, and to try to generally involve them in the planning. So far they haven't seemed very interested (ie: they haven't confirmed that the date is convenient, haven't checked out the venue website, etc...). It's disappointing that they're being so flaky. 

I guess all we can do is go ahead with our plans; however, the thing that worries me is that recently they have been hinting that money is tight. The trip for them to come out here will cost several thousand dollars, so I'm worried that they won't be able to afford it.

My family and all of our friends live here, so there is no question of having the wedding anywhere else (unless we decide to elope!!).

I guess my question is: what if they say they can't afford to come out? Is it reasonable for them to expect us to offer to contribute toward the cost of their trip? Is that something we should even feel obligated to offer?

We're trying to keep the cost of the entire wedding under $15 000, so I would really rather not have to cough up an extra $5000 for their airfare, etc but it would be very unfortunate if his family was not at the wedding.

Any thoughts??

whitsy

Where do they live that airfare is going to be $5000?

You don't have to pitch in for their travel. Who are you calling to ask them to check out the venue? That's nice that you want their input, but really, you can't glean much from a website. If you like it, book it. With the date, you're asking them a year and a half in advance if a date will work. I don't know how easy it would be for them to say yes or no. I'm a teacher; it would be easy for me. But most jobs, that's not an easy thing to determine. Set the date, and ask your venue if moving it if key players can't attend would be a problem.

I also think it's tacky to call your future in laws low income.

emarston1

You are not obligated to pay for a guest's travel expenses.  If they can't afford it, they can't afford it.  I also don't think you need to hint at anything, they are adults and will make those money saving decisions on their own.  You could also look into having a separate, lowkey reception in their city.

Also remember that no one will be as excited about your wedding as you are.  So don't feel disappointed if they don't show interest.  Plus it is very far in the future so it's hard for some people to get excited about an event that is still a year and a half away.

graysquirrel

It sounds to me like you are being considerate of their finances by giving them time to plan and save, as well as to give them some say in the date. I do not think that you should feel obligated to pay for their expenses. If you are having your wedding where you live, that is quite normal and your in-laws will have to decide what is feasible for them.

As for them being interested in the planning, some people just are not that into weddings. It doesn't mean that they are not happy for you, it just means that they are not interested in every little detail. If they do not want to help plan, that is ok, they don't have to. It is nice of you to keep them updated, but I wouldn't expect a lot from FILs, especially if they live far away and might not be able to come.

[Deleted User]

I can't get passed calling your ILs low income.

Simply Fated

If they can't afford it, then they just cant come, I guess. You aren't obligated to pay. Them not looking at your website has nothing to do with it. You can't force people to take an interest, so let it go. What does your FI say about you guys paying for them?

ginadog

I have a similar situation.  My sister is unemployed, pregnant and has 5 other kids between her boyfriend and herself.  My mom makes minimum wage at Lowe's.  

Renting hotels and cars, not to mention airfare is really going to take a toll on them financially.  My sister is insisting that since she's out this far, she needs to take all the kids to Yellowstone NP as well.  She told me the trip is going to cost her $4000!  I hate to think that someone who is unemployed is going to spend $4000 just to see me get married, but she is making her own choices.

Also, my family has NO INTEREST in my wedding whatsoever.  I do not want their help or anything, but I just want to share my excitement with them.  Realize that no one will be more excited for your wedding than you and FI.  Don't expect the same level of interest from anyone else.  If you don't get the response you are looking for, modify your expectations.

My family and I do not talk any wedding details at all.  It sends my mom into a panic attack (then she says rude things that hurt me) because thinking of the money and how to get here are sheer stress for her.  They are not involved with the planning at all, and honestly I do not think they should be.  They'll just get an invite like everyone else.

In the end, you do not have to pay for travel costs for anyone.  If you want to chip in a little, then you are just being very generous.  Not required however.

I'd love to know where they are from and flying into to know what is $5000.  I can understand my sister, she's got to rent a mini van, has 5 plane tickets to buy, 6 nights lodging (wedding weekend plus a Yellowstone trip) and food for 6 people.

NOLAbridealmost

What kind of relatives are we talking about here?  If it's like FI's parents who couldn't afford the trip, I'd pay their way.   I couldn't live with myself if my H's parents weren't there because of cost.

For anyone else, PPs are absolutely right: if they can't come, they can't come. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_low-income-future-inlaws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a174d3ee-52b9-484e-86f7-e5724c30f271Post:6981bb36-6065-4978-8aa2-430519e479cd">Re: Low Income Future-InLaws</a>:
[QUOTE]What kind of relatives are we talking about here?  If it's like FI's parents  who couldn't afford the trip, I'd pay their way.   I couldn't live with myself if my H's parents weren't there because of cost. For anyone else, PPs are absolutely right: if they can't come, they can't come. 
Posted by NOLAbridealmost[/QUOTE]


I agree. I would do whatever it took to get parents and siblings to my wedding. I'd keep that in the back of my head, and maybe throw some money towards that - and if they surprise you and pay for it themselves, then cool, you have extra money. You can also help by gifting them a hotel room, or having them stay with you or some friends or relatives who have extra space. I also rented a shuttle for my wedding so my guests who were coming from OOT wouldn't have to rent cars. Or you could lend them a car.

HockeyFan4

With a 15K budget, you bet my ass part of that would be going to get my FI's family to the wedding. 

You don't have to pay for them...but how would you feel about your family not being at your wedding? 

Grits8812

Hate to stir up anything here, but calling someone "low income" is pretty rude, and pretty offensive.  I hope you don't say that kind of things to your fiance or the rest of the family.

Anyway, I don't know why airfare would be $5,000.  If they can't afford a hotel when they get there, let them stay at your house.  It might not be what you want, but would you rather them not be there at all?  Then they can ride with someone to the wedding and the reception.  

Simply Fated

The only thing that really bugs me about calling them low-income is that it's unnecessary information. How much money they have doesn't really matter because it's no ones business but theirs. How they spend their money and how much they save is up to them. I'd say the same if they were high income lol.

KatePlusNate04

Where are they flying from? Is airfare alone $5000? If it's a domestic flight, I would be shocked that that's the cost. Airfare to Hawaii for two of us didn't even cost that much (I realize HI is considered domestic, but it's generally much more expensive than flying to places on the mainland). I would maybe go hunting online to see if I could price cheaper airfare than that.

If this cost also includes their hotel stay for the trip, are there any relatives you think might be OK hosting them for a few days? This would also cut down on travel expenses.

For me, I would not be OK with my in laws not being at my wedding, and I know H would not have a wedding without his parents there. I'd check on cheaper airfare, but if they can't afford it, they can't. I frankly would downsize something for my wedding in order to pay for their trip. I really think you can do the trip for less than $5000 if they are flying from somewhere in the U.S. I think having my FIL's at my wedding would be more important than fancy food or photography, etc. No, you aren't obligated to pay their travel expenses, but I would WANT to.

I also agree calling them "low income" is rude. Perhaps they are not made of money, but it comes across derogatory in your post when you phrase it like that, and I don't think it's right to judge others based on their financial situation.

ErinG93

There is NO WAY just airfare is costing $5,000. You have plenty of time to start saving a little fund for them if you would like contribute. I would think that with so much time left before the wedding some sort of effort to get them there wouldn't be too hard. Maybe you and your FI save, they save, and you try get the best possible hotel deals or they stay with family? I would also keep on the lookout for airfare deals.

emcreative

Wow - I didn't think I'd get so many responses so qucikly... 

Sorry to hear that many of you interpreted my "low income" title as hurtful or tacky. I didn't mean it that way – I was just trying to sum up the situation: they have a lower income than average and money is tight. It's not like I called them "poor" or "trailer trash" – they're not, and it was not my intention to be rude.

Also, to clarify: they live in Eastern Canada and we live in Western Canada. When my fiance and I went to visit them last spring, airfare was just under $1000 each. Domestic flights in Canada are not cheap!

So, for his Mom, Dad, brother and sister to fly out here, it would be around $4000. Factor in a bit extra for other expenses, and that's where I got the $5000 figure from. Of course we would offer to let them stay with us, but even without accommodation costs, the trip is still going to be a significant expense.

And, as many of you pointed out, I know that the wedding is still 18 months away so it's understandable that they're not too excited yet. The only thing we asked them to do was to make sure that our potential date was going to work with his brother's school schedule, and to check out the venue's website to get their opinion. I know it's ultimately up to us, but it's fun to share the experience with those closest to you and my fiance was a bit disappointed at their lack of interest.

I guess all we can do is try to be accommodating and considerate and see how things unfold. If we have to pitch in to make the trip possible for them, of course we will do our best, but I hope they are able to plan and budget enough that it doesn't come down to that.

kmmssg

For 5000 bucks, just how many relatives are we talking?  Surely that must be for more than just his parents.  I too, would downsize my wedding if it meant having my FI's family atend.

freebread03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_low-income-future-inlaws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a174d3ee-52b9-484e-86f7-e5724c30f271Post:d98fc894-33ca-48d2-a0fb-73428d273ea6">Re: Low Income Future-InLaws</a>:
[QUOTE]Where do they live that airfare is going to be $5000? You don't have to pitch in for their travel. Who are you calling to ask them to check out the venue? That's nice that you want their input, but really, you can't glean much from a website. If you like it, book it. With the date, you're asking them a year and a half in advance if a date will work. I don't know how easy it would be for them to say yes or no. I'm a teacher; it would be easy for me. But most jobs, that's not an easy thing to determine. Set the date, and ask your venue if moving it if key players can't attend would be a problem. <strong>I also think it's tacky to call your future in laws low income.</strong>
Posted by whitsy[/QUOTE]

<div>This.</div><div>
</div><div>And really, where do they live that it's going to cost them 5k to travel to your wedding?</div><div>
</div><div>Edit: I didn't see your post until after I responded.  I have no idea how much flights in Canada cost.  But trust me, they've got 18 months to save up.  Their excitement over your venue has nothing to do with how much they care about you and your FI, so really, don't stress over this.</div>

melntaitt

I believe contributing would be a very nice gesture but the lines of communication should be open before making such a bold gesture.

Also, the way you approach them might need to be, adjusted?

Think about this; if someone treated you like you were very poor and offered you charity, it may not be well-received.

Although this may not be the case, I truly hope you allow them to talk with your fiance prior to offering them money they may view as an insult. This is his family after all, and the communication about their finances might be more comfortable through him.

I know my fiance would never go offering my family money without having me have a private convo with them first ~ just saying.

Elinetrouwt

Do his siblings have an income of their own, or are they still in school? Are you sure better deals won't show up in between now and next year? Is a road trip an option? I'm sure that somehow you'll find a cheaper way for them to travel. Good luck!

lyndausvi

Are you obligated to pay for their travel expenses?  No.

That said, if I was in your situation I would though.  My grandmother was on a fixed income and my dad always paid for her to fly to visit us.  He never thought twice about.  Oh and grandma was his MIL not his mom.

DH and I know that if we want to see his mom either we have to pay for her to come to us or we have to pay to see her.  It just is the way it is.

Everyone's family dynamics are different.  Having our parents here would mean more to me than CP, a more expensive dress, etc.   You might not feel the same way.

LauraChristin

My husband and I would be devastated if our immediate families were unable to attend our wedding. We would rather have planned a $10,000 wedding with them than a $15,000 wedding without. Hands down. But as a couple, you're entitled to your own priorities.

KentuckyKate

There's no obligation to either pay or not pay for your FIL's expenses.  That's a giant gray area, and depends on your personal dynamic with them.

Also, I don't think there's anything wrong with the term "low income," but I am easily annoyed by overly PC people.  You didn't call them poor white trash or anything, and I do think it was relevant to your question.  I guess from now on, you should say, "My future in-laws are of a lower socioeconomic status than I" and see if that goes over better.

Grits8812

How about you take some of that $15,000 wedding fund and pay for them to come?  If you can't pull off a wedding for $10,000 there is something wrong. 

sweetcanadian1979

Honestly for 4000 they could rent a couple vans to fit them all, drive across the country & back, stay in fancy hotels for the whole duration. I live in canada, maybe they can drive, flying is not necisary.

jsleik

I would let your FI talk to them about it.  My ILs could not afford the airfare to our wedding (international and was still less than $3000 for 2 of them).  It was part of our budget from the beginning because there was no point in having a wedding if they would not have been here.   We were lucky because that did work with our finances.  It wasn't easy, but it was a priority for us. 

So the bottom line is to talk to your FI and make sure you're on the same page.  And maybe looking at when flights are cheaper or look into driving for different options. 

Sydney91

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_low-income-future-inlaws?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a174d3ee-52b9-484e-86f7-e5724c30f271Post:891e156c-1825-45aa-8cf2-d56fc756189b">Re: Low Income Future-InLaws</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow - I didn't think I'd get so many responses so qucikly...  Sorry to hear that many of you interpreted my "low income" title as hurtful or tacky. I didn't mean it that way – I was just trying to sum up the situation: they have a lower income than average and money is tight. It's not like I called them "poor" or "trailer trash" – they're not, and it was not my intention to be rude. Also, to clarify: they live in Eastern Canada and we live in Western Canada. When my fiance and I went to visit them last spring, airfare was just under $1000 each. Domestic flights in Canada are not cheap! So, for his Mom, Dad, brother and sister to fly out here, it would be around $4000. Factor in a bit extra for other expenses, and that's where I got the $5000 figure from. Of course we would offer to let them stay with us, but even without accommodation costs, the trip is still going to be a significant expense. And, as many of you pointed out, I know that the wedding is still 18 months away so it's understandable that they're not too excited yet.  The only thing we asked them to do was to make sure that our potential date was going to work with his brother's school schedule, and to check out the venue's website to get their opinion.  I know it's ultimately up to us, but it's fun to share the experience with those closest to you and my fiance was a bit disappointed at their lack of interest. I guess all we can do is try to be accommodating and considerate and see how things unfold. If we have to pitch in to make the trip possible for them, of course we will do our best, but I hope they are able to plan and budget enough that it doesn't come down to that.
Posted by emcreative[/QUOTE]
Low income is politically correct up here in Canada, so I was shocked at the comments. Within Canada, flights are freaking expensive! It was cheaper to go to Mexico City than Quebec City from Edmonton the last time I checked. As for the asking about workable dates, I had to light a fire under my parents' asses to get an answer out of them, and mine is set about 18 months away too. Things book up quickly, and you need to have a set date early on. With the school schedule you mentioned, it might not be available yet. Mine isn't available at the U of A for 2012-2013 yet.

Sydney91

I forgot to mention: if they watch the flights online, they can find great deals. Our neighbour flew from Calgary to Mazatlan for an extreme discount (he didn't say the figure) just by looking at the websites at 3 am. I guess it pays to be an insomniac once in a while.