Another money s/o- SAHM vs. Working mom

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_another-money-sahm-vs-working-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6851628-5147-41a7-ad5a-1ecfe9f8a0e2Post:b02dfaf0-3611-495a-9f59-d906980ba66e">Re: Another money s/o- SAHM vs. Working mom</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Another money s/o- SAHM vs. Working mom : WHAT?!?!  That is beyond ridiculous.  What is the reasoning?
Posted by andyandhillary[/QUOTE]

Well if they can only have a certain number of children in the day-care center and they can get a kid in there paying for 5 days a week, why would they want to take yours who only comes in 3 days a week? 

Stackeye210

I have a friend who lost her Title 20 where she was paying $450/month for both of her girls to go to before and after school care.  Keep in mind they both go to elementary school all day long, only to daycare before and after.  When she lost her title 20 because her salary was increased they told her it'd cost $1480......for just before and after school. 

Can you imagine?  YIKES! 

*BeachBride0410*

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_another-money-sahm-vs-working-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6851628-5147-41a7-ad5a-1ecfe9f8a0e2Post:3f8a0bc4-2a9f-4c8c-be76-6d61d1a6fc8e">Re: Another money s/o- SAHM vs. Working mom</a>:
[QUOTE]bubblub - around here, day-care places don't let you do just a couple days a week.  You pay for the entire week whether you bring the child every day or not. 
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

And that is ridiculious!  Actually a lot of places do it now, I know friends in PA that do that.  Plus when the daycare is closed around the holidays, they still have to pay!! 

Growing up my mom was a SAHM which was nice, but she started babysitting friends or neighbors kids.  So she would get paid cash/under the table each week contributing to the household income but got to be home all the time....its was great! 

I think people who had a SAHM are more likely to be one themselves, because they aren't familiar with the daycare set up & what goes on.

SarahPLiz

I guess I was lucky because my mom worked half days at a daycare before I was in school. Before that, I went to a daycare when she worked FT, but I don't remember that. I went to work with her every morning when my dad was offshore. When he was home, he'd take me gallivanting around with him. We'd go to the bar and shoot pool in the middle of the day. It was fun!

My mom got a FT teaching job when I was in 2nd grade and still has the same job. My little sister went to daycare every day until she was 4 and then she started pre-k at the elementary school near our house. 

I saw both ways working. I'd like to be able to work half days, but in my current position, that is not possible. Its all or nothing. 

danieliza1127

Kiki - I think the working mom vs SAHM mom is ALWAYS  a hot topic on the Nest and Bump boards.  I don't think either one is better than the other.  It's a decision that each family has to come to based on their own set of circumstances. 

kikibaby

Hm, yeah, I agree with that Hillary.  Well said.

Stackeye210

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_another-money-sahm-vs-working-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6851628-5147-41a7-ad5a-1ecfe9f8a0e2Post:c675478a-02f9-4d61-af4b-795e753826dd">Re: Another money s/o- SAHM vs. Working mom</a>:
[QUOTE]In another note, I've been lurking on TB lately, and there's a controversy over there re: working moms.  Apparently someone said that working moms are choosing material things/money over their children.  What do you think about that?
Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]

Oh wow!  Really?  Interesting. 

I think it's BS for anyone to judge someone's parenting style UNLESS it's abusive and/or harmful to the child and their development.   

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

My ideal scenario would be to get a job with flexible hours so I could stay with the kids while FI(H) is at the office and/or he can telecommute so one of us is home all the time. (My ideal job is college professor, BTW.) I don't think I'd want to not work period and obviously if we couldn't afford to have me not work full time, I wouldn't not work. We also don't live near either set of parents, so there goes the free child care...

Ideally I'd like to share a nanny with someone or just use daycare 2-3 days a week (though most centers don't really like for you to do that for the sake of consistancy).

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

FYI, good quality child care is shown to be more beneficial to children than strictly parental care, whereas bad quality child care is show to be much more detrimental than parental care. Interesting, huh?

*BeachBride0410*

My job now would also allow me to work from home....so that would be something for us to consider.

PreppySailor

I am currently a SAHW, but I know there would be a lot more expenses if/when we have a child. I plan to work full-time for 3 years so we can save up before we start TTC.

cengle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_another-money-sahm-vs-working-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6851628-5147-41a7-ad5a-1ecfe9f8a0e2Post:bf93ca7c-382a-4d02-bafb-a64e1682d362">Re: Another money s/o- SAHM vs. Working mom</a>:
[QUOTE]How much I make (or my husband makes) has nothing to do with whether I will stay home or not.  My mom worked, my grandmother worked, and I will most certainly work when I have kids. I'm allowed to be a person in my own right as well as a mother.  Some people get a sense of self-worth from different things, including motherhood.  If being a mother fulfills you, then by all means stay home.  But, it wouldn't satisfy me. I'd love to work out a part-time plan or different hours so my child isn't spending all day at a day care, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.  But not working at all?  I don't believe that will ever be an option for me, regardless of how much money is floating around my home.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

I agree with this, 100%. I don't think I'd be a very good SAHM at all.

Bubbalub

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_another-money-sahm-vs-working-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6851628-5147-41a7-ad5a-1ecfe9f8a0e2Post:b02dfaf0-3611-495a-9f59-d906980ba66e">Re: Another money s/o- SAHM vs. Working mom</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Another money s/o- SAHM vs. Working mom : WHAT?!?!  That is beyond ridiculous.  What is the reasoning?
Posted by andyandhillary[/QUOTE]

I'm shocked too! Wtf?
I'm curious now, though. Where FI works they have an in-house daycare so even if we did have to have both of us working at least FI would be right there if anything happened and would be able to visit our child during the day. They even have cameras set up so you can see what your kid is up to in the daycare while you are at your desk/office.  I wonder if they have to pay for a full week there, as well? Hmmm.

MISSCOURTNEY20

I would never be a SAHM. I love working and I spent too much time in college, to get my degree, to not use it. I enjoy my summers where me and the kids can go and do things but I also enjoy having a life at work. That is one of the main reasons why my son never went to the same school that I taught at. He needed to be his own person and so did I.

It's funny because I thought of this this morning. I said to my myself "Ahh the life of a SAHM."

I have much respect for SAHM but that is just not the life for me. I like being known as Ms. Lastname and not always Mommy.

Lisa8888

If you give up your job to be a SAHM, you give up your earning capacity and independence. That makes a woman totally financially dependent on her husband which isn't a good thing. It is not easy getting back into the workplace after a few years staying at home. Regardless of the cost of daycare, etc., it should be important to all women to be financially independent and able to support herself.

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_another-money-sahm-vs-working-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6851628-5147-41a7-ad5a-1ecfe9f8a0e2Post:e4576670-e574-4480-b71a-f4cab2dd89be">Re: Another money s/o- SAHM vs. Working mom</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Another money s/o- SAHM vs. Working mom : I'm shocked too! Wtf? I'm curious now, though. Where FI works they have an in-house daycare so even if we did have to have both of us working at least FI would be right there if anything happened and would be able to visit our child during the day. They even have cameras set up so you can see what your kid is up to in the daycare while you are at your desk/office.  I wonder if they have to pay for a full week there, as well? Hmmm.
Posted by Bubbalub[/QUOTE]

My H works for the State and they have daycare in his building.  One of his coworkers told him how much it cost and it was outrageous compared to regular daycare centers.  I guess you really pay for the convenience.

Around here, based on what friends have told us, daycare is around $900 a month.

MISSCOURTNEY20

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_another-money-sahm-vs-working-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6851628-5147-41a7-ad5a-1ecfe9f8a0e2Post:822b89c7-25c4-41c4-83cd-49ababe65158">Re: Another money s/o- SAHM vs. Working mom</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Another money s/o- SAHM vs. Working mom : And that is ridiculious!  <strong>Actually a lot of places do it now,</strong> I know friends in PA that do that.  Plus when the daycare is closed around the holidays, they still have to pay!!  Growing up my mom was a SAHM which was nice, but she started babysitting friends or neighbors kids.  So she would get paid cash/under the table each week contributing to the household income but got to be home all the time....its was great!  I think people who had a SAHM are more likely to be one themselves, because they aren't familiar with the daycare set up & what goes on.
Posted by *BeachBride0410*[/QUOTE]

They do this because you are paying for the spot not the time the child is there. The daycare Jordyn went to does this and after the provider and I talked, I understood why she does it. You can't just have 2 days here and 4 days there especially when you can only have a certain number of children in your daycare center.

mandysmear

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_another-money-sahm-vs-working-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6851628-5147-41a7-ad5a-1ecfe9f8a0e2Post:b86ea968-022f-4f57-bdf4-5d8a7b6ebfda">Re: Another money s/o- SAHM vs. Working mom</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the debate of strangers/day-care vs someone you know watching the kid is so interesting.  Back when we were kids, everyone used hired babysitters whether they were pre-teens or teenagers or adults, or day-care.  It seems like now-a-days everyone I know in my generation with kids is pretty adamant about only using family for babysitters.  I wonder what changed? 
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

I'm cynical.  I don't trust people.  THe world is far too fucked up.  Not that it wasn't before.  We just hear it more.  And I've had quite a few friends say they were abused mentally, physically and sexually by their babysitter as a child.  Yet didn't come out til they were adults with it.  So I guess it feels like we're more aware of it now.

katiewhompus

Andy, in my area cheap day care for an infant-toddler runs $2000 a month. I make $1200. Yeah...that math doesn't look so good to me.

danieliza1127

Mandy, I think you hit the nail on the head - people are just more aware now than ever before about abuse.  It was always there, it was always happening to some people, we're just a lot more vocal about it now than ever before.

Bubbalub

Oh man. After the wedding I think we really need to look into daycare costs vs our income since we want kids soon. It never occurred to me that the in-house daycare at his work may possibly be even more expensive than an independent daycare center.

I guess part of my desire to stay at home at least while the kids are really young is that I had some really bad things happen at the daycare. Nothing like physical or sexual abuse, but there was emotional abuse by the other kids that was allowed to happen (it was a daycare with age ranges of infants to much older kids in elementary school who attended for before and after school care). We were there for 6 or 8 years, I can't remember, but some of the older kids were really cruel and the teachers knowingly allowed them to abuse the younger kids. I don't think my parents knew that, though, or they would have taken us somewhere else.

btrflykate1230

Delcan is in daycare 3 days a week, and with my mom for two. It works well for me.

For 3 days of daycare a week, I pay about $1k a month. It's really REALLY expensive to pay for daycare in MA, especially if you live close to the city.

I could never be a SAHM. I like my job. I need adult interraction to be happy. I like feeling as if I contribute to a houshold.

Plus, if I was a SAHM when J and I called off the engagement, I would have been screwed. Having a job allows me to feel a little bit more independent as well. Even when J and I did share money, I felt weird spending money that I didn't make. It wasn't MY money, KWIM?

andyandhillary

*passes out*

Now that you guys explained it, the daycare costs and rules make sense, I guess. 

Calypso1977

you have to think abotu how staying at home affects your long term earning power.

for example, you could make $40K a year which a significant chunk would go to daycare.  however, if you are vested in a pension system or other retirement plan, taking a break will adversely affect you and over hte long term.  i also think removing yourself from the workforce for a long period of time is very risky.  its not as easy as you think you get re-hired.

i will share a story of an RN i know who stayed home for 12 years.  she cannto find work anywhere as an RN as her skills arent current.  yes, she has a great education and license, but no skills due to her huge gap.  she's now looking for any job, including a secretarial position making $25K.

danieliza1127

That's sad bubbalub.  On that topic though, and on what Mandy said and the other poster on page 1 of this post - it is SO important to teach your kids to tell you when something is making them uncomfortable and for you to listen and watch your kids for telling behavior.  Like if your kid is really depressed about going to daycare, you need to be looking at the why.  If your kid doesn't want to hug Grandpa, don't make him/her, talk to them about why.  Your kids have instincts just like you do and it's to you as the parent to teach them that they can come to you if they are in a bad situation, or bubba in your case, they could have taught you that you should have told your parents what was going on with the bullying you know? 

I guess my point is, it's not just about where you are taking your kids, it's also about teaching your kids and watching them for signs.

kikibaby

This is really... making me feel like I should get back on the pill for a few more years.  haha.

mandysmear

Yeah it's a scary world Danieliza.  THere are 3 main reasons why I didn't want to have children.  The fact that I am cynical is one of them... why bring someone into this messed up world?  But, I've gotten over that - for the most part

sarabellam

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_another-money-sahm-vs-working-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6851628-5147-41a7-ad5a-1ecfe9f8a0e2Post:c675478a-02f9-4d61-af4b-795e753826dd">Re: Another money s/o- SAHM vs. Working mom</a>:
[QUOTE]In another note, I've been lurking on TB lately, and there's a controversy over there re: working moms.  Apparently someone said that working moms are choosing material things/money over their children.  What do you think about that?
Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]

I think anyone who says that a working mother is materialistic is a self-righteous, sanctimonious, narrow-minded twatwaffle. So when my daughters were 5 and 2 and I was a single mother, I was choosing money over my children because I worked. Right. If I didn't work my children wouldn't have a roof over their heads, clothes on their backs, or food on the table. At one point last year I was THE SOLE breadwinner in my family. My husband got laid off and was out of work for 5 weeks, and my ex-husband had quit his job 4 months prior to that and still hasn't gotten a fulltime job. Yet because I work I'm choosing money over my children? Shut thefuck up and look at reality here, sweetcheeks.

Calypso1977

My H works for the State and they have daycare in his building.  One of his coworkers told him how much it cost and it was outrageous compared to regular daycare centers.  I guess you really pay for the convenience.

i'm *guessing* that because its government, its not employer subsidized in any way.  other offices/companies may subsidize a portoin of the daycare.  governemtn cant do that with tax dollars.  that might be why in Dani's case its more.

btrflykate1230

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_another-money-sahm-vs-working-mom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a6851628-5147-41a7-ad5a-1ecfe9f8a0e2Post:88b2b6eb-c691-4428-8dbc-2764cb765319">Re: Another money s/o- SAHM vs. Working mom</a>:
[QUOTE]you have to think abotu how staying at home affects your long term earning power. for example, you could make $40K a year which a significant chunk would go to daycare.  however, if you are vested in a pension system or other retirement plan, taking a break will adversely affect you and over hte long term.  i also think removing yourself from the workforce for a long period of time is very risky.  its not as easy as you think you get re-hired. i will share a story of an RN i know who stayed home for 12 years.  she cannto find work anywhere as an RN as her skills arent current.  yes, she has a great education and license, but no skills due to her huge gap.  she's now looking for any job, including a secretarial position making $25K.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

This too. We learn all about the "Mommy Track" in some of my business classes. Staying home for even one year can reduce your lifetime earnings by up to 15% in one study. If your salary average is $40k, and you work for 45 years, that's a loss of $270k. Insane, right?