Father's Mistress Invite

s-aries8990

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fathers-mistress-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a810cb94-3ff8-49f6-a92d-fe8259315184Post:2d9467b4-48a0-4ba7-94c2-727dfd941d60">Re: Father's Mistress Invite</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Father's Mistress Invite : ouch! i personally don't think your father would really miss his own child's wedding because you don't want to invite the homewrecker! <strong>if you really don't like her and don't want her there, then don't invite her.</strong> there's nothing worse than having people that you don't even like/want at your wedding. if your father really is that shallow and won't come, that's on him. he'll regret it.
Posted by MrsJoshuaParker4[/QUOTE]

Again, I hate to say this, but this is poor advice. Dad's GF is his SO and you have to invite SO's. As much as you don't want to invite her, you must invite her if you are inviting her father. Regardless of whether or not she was the woman he chose to cheat with.

Sashaa911

Ok, I feel I should explain more as to why this causes problems.  I am having a very small wedding, 32 guests.  So there are four tables...and either my dad or my stepmother will have my triplet brothers with them.  I do love my half sibling that I have from my father's gf, but he is a baby and I rather not have a baby at my wedding also.  I don't demonize this woman because of her actions, nor do I excuse my father as he is the main one at fault.  I don't like her because of how she interacts with me and with others.  She is very vocal and can be quite rude to others.  That's why I'm worried.  I know my mom and ex stepmom can be civil and even very kind to each other.  It her starting problems I'm worried about.  And while I do give my dad the majority of the blame, he's my dad, I love him.  I should also mention my dad's relationship with this woman is on again off again and it changes more than a high school couple.  It''s difficult to arrange seating because I have six siblings with four mothers.  (My dad has this trend with women..)  All of whom I'm close to except his current SO.  I keep working on the reception seating chart but I don't think its fair to seperate the triplets from their parents.  Yet I also don't want my stepmother whom I love quite dearly to feel uncomfortable if my dad's former mistress, current gf is there.  I'm sorry, its a very complicated family situation. 

Also I'm not sure if the comment was directed at me but I am 20 years old, will be 21 by the time I marry and have been with my fiance for more than three years.  So I do feel ready to get married.

mcda04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fathers-mistress-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a810cb94-3ff8-49f6-a92d-fe8259315184Post:c8acf9a7-9ae0-4e92-9935-555b3397d44e">Re: Father's Mistress Invite</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, I feel I should explain more as to why this causes problems.  I am having a very small wedding, 32 guests.  So there are four tables...and either my dad or my stepmother will have my triplet brothers with them.  I do love my half sibling that I have from my father's gf, but he is a baby and I rather not have a baby at my wedding also.  I don't demonize this woman because of her actions, nor do I excuse my father as he is the main one at fault.  I don't like her because of how she interacts with me and with others.  She is very vocal and can be quite rude to others.  That's why I'm worried.  I know my mom and ex stepmom can be civil and even very kind to each other.  It her starting problems I'm worried about.  And while I do give my dad the majority of the blame, he's my dad, I love him.  I should also mention my dad's relationship with this woman is on again off again and it changes more than a high school couple.  It''s difficult to arrange seating because I have six siblings with four mothers.  (My dad has this trend with women..)  All of whom I'm close to except his current SO.  I keep working on the reception seating chart but I don't think its fair to seperate the triplets from their parents.  Yet I also don't want my stepmother whom I love quite dearly to feel uncomfortable if my dad's former mistress, current gf is there.  I'm sorry, its a very complicated family situation.  Also I'm not sure if the comment was directed at me but I am 20 years old, will be 21 by the time I marry and have been with my fiance for more than three years.  So I do feel ready to get married.
Posted by Sashaa911[/QUOTE]

Regardless of her personality, you HAVE to invite her IF you're inviting your dad.

And I think the triplets should sit with your stepmom. It's not like they'll be glued to their seats, they can go over to talk to your dad.

I actually don't think it's complicated at all, if your dad's gf acts inappropriately, she'll look bad not you.

Sashaa911

I think I will invite her because its the right thing to do.  Just please now any advice on how to handle conflicts or problems between people at a wedding.  Can you ask them to leave.  Can you set someone up do ask them?  I will talk to them before hand but I want a backup plan

Sashaa911

Damn...yeah that is quite complicated. 


In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fathers-mistress-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a810cb94-3ff8-49f6-a92d-fe8259315184Post:3f1999af-82d4-4e3a-9b54-3f54483f2bd9">Re: Father's Mistress Invite</a>:
[QUOTE]OK.  Let me clarify MY family's complicated situations: 1.  Dad died young from cancer. 2.  Mom remarried in the Catholic church. 3.  Mom's 2nd (now ex) husband cheated with Mom's favorite 1st cousin. 4.  Same favorite 1st cousin propositioned my husband and attemped to give him a drunken lap dance at a family party. (DH stood up and dumped her on the floor.) 5.  Same ex-stepfather remarried, not in the church.  Later divorced, remarried and divorced again. 7.  Former stepbrother married his ex-step sister from step-dad's failed 3rd marriage. 8.  My nephew is a professional drug dealer. 9.  I am still in contact with the young stepsister who was victimized by her brother.  She doesn't speak to her father or brother. Go ahead and invite your father's girlfriend.  I doubt if she would even qualify for a raised eyebrow in my family.  No, I'm not making this stuff up.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

NYCMercedes

Sasha, any chance they'll be "off again" for your wedding date?

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fathers-mistress-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a810cb94-3ff8-49f6-a92d-fe8259315184Post:aff37501-88b6-4145-8128-8b67c11fcc27">Re: Father's Mistress Invite</a>:
[QUOTE]Haha, sorry late to party. <strong>You have to invite Dads spouse or fiance.  Anyone else is less clear, but it is a "Knot Board" rule to invite all Bfs/Gfs</strong>. Where to sit?  Where you want.  You can put mom in front row, dad a few rows back.  His GF with him if they are invited. Its your own business as to what relationship you want with your half-sibling, Dads GF or whomever. 
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

7:02 PM... 7 hours and 2 minutes past my guess.

OP - Dad's girlfriend IS his spouse, and as such must be invited. I realize that you already said you were going to invite her (good for you!), but I wanted to point out that you can ignore NYU's advice. She's hung up on her own daddy issues and can't seem to seperate them from reality enough to give sound advice here.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fathers-mistress-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a810cb94-3ff8-49f6-a92d-fe8259315184Post:861f2e21-fd37-4b78-b02b-796eb6fea71e">Re: Father's Mistress Invite</a>:
[QUOTE] Kelly, I thought OP described the person as her Dad's GF?  Are you saying she is his spouse? And OP, its not just me that limits the "must" invites to spouse, fiancee, but not every GF.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

When a synonym of "spouse" is "partner", yes, I do believe a boyfriend or girlfriend can be a spouse. Especially considering the number of people in this country who legally cannot become anything beyond a boyfriend or girlfriend, regardless of the seriousness or longevity of their relationship or cohabitation.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fathers-mistress-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a810cb94-3ff8-49f6-a92d-fe8259315184Post:faddac91-6dd4-494c-bbfc-597cd70d18c7">Re: Father's Mistress Invite</a>:
[QUOTE]"When a synonym of "spouse" is "partner", yes, I do believe a boyfriend or girlfriend can be a spouse" Kelly, in this case, OP clearly identified her Dad has having a GF.  
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

And your point? A girlfriend or boyfriend IS a partner. A partner is a synonym for a spouse. This is really not that difficult.



Someone smack me for engaging in NYU's ridiculously stupid games.

Jen4948

Sadly, even though you don't want your father's GF there, I think you need to invite her to honor the rule about inviting SOs as a social unit.  Whether you like it or not, your father and she constitute SOs, especially since they have a child (your half-sibling).

You don't have to spend the whole time with her.  Just give her the minimum of politeness and courtesy and enjoy your wedding.

Simply Fated

"I think I will invite her because its the right thing to do. Just please now any advice on how to handle conflicts or problems between people at a wedding. Can you ask them to leave. Can you set someone up do ask them? I will talk to them before hand but I want a backup plan" Yes you can ask them to leave. If there is someone who works at your venue, count on them to be a mediator if you ask. If drama happens, there is no reason to let it ruin your day. Just continue having fun and let your dad's partner or who ever be escorted out.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fathers-mistress-invite?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a810cb94-3ff8-49f6-a92d-fe8259315184Post:861f2e21-fd37-4b78-b02b-796eb6fea71e">Re: Father's Mistress Invite</a>:
[QUOTE] Kelly, I thought OP described the person as her Dad's GF?  Are you saying she is his spouse? And OP, its not just me that limits the "must" invites to spouse, fiancee, but not every GF.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

Can we agree that a person with whom you have a child and are in a relationship with is a LITTLE more serious than your 17 year-old cousin's flavor of the week? Can we at least start there? Seriously?

OP, sit your stepmom and the triplets together with other friends/family members they might want to sit with, seat your mom and any of her family members/friends together and seat your dad, his GF and their baby along with any family members/friends they know at yet a third table.

If your mom or stepmom don't have other family invited, you might be able to seat them with your FI's family.

000sm

This is your wedding, you should be allowed to invite people you want to invite. 

Your Dad is being selfish and immature to insist on bringing someone who makes you uncomfortable to your wedding even if she is his wife now. 

If I were you I would sit him down and gently explain it would be painful for you to have her attend and it would be painful for you if he refuses to attend. Ask him if he would please agree to attend without her. And ask your stepmother and siblings to be civil at least to him. Just for this one day, just for your wedding. 

Its possible he views not inviting her as letting your step-mother win and that's why he's beng stubborn. He may have forgotten that his and his wife/mistress's actions hurt you too. Its possible that, if you remind him tactfully, he might be willing to put your needs ahead of his for this one day. 

Now if he chooses to continue with this ultimatum, you have to weigh-up the pain of him not not coming, vs the pain of having someone you dislike share your day and upset your stepmother. Only you can decide which will hurt you less on your big day. But I don't think he should feel good about resorting to threats to get her to your wedding. 

And to some of the other posters, she never said that she blamed the wife/mistress more than her father - is it so hard to understand why someone might want their father at their wedding no matter what he's done? She will have some happy memories of her Dad to ofset later painful ones, but the new wife/mistress only comes with pain. 

If you decide not to invite her and he refuses to come then remember its not because he doesn't love you. One of the reason's men/women who cheat insist on their kid's acceptance of the mistress/lover (a male word for mistress should exist!) is because they don't want to admit to themselves that they have a reason to not accept them. He'd rather blame you for not liking her than admit to himself that he hurt you.