My Fiance's "Redneck Family"

AaronAndNikki

I love my fiance to death but he doesn't come form the classiest of families.  I get along with them just fine and I'm really not a judgmental person but I have a few concerns for the wedding.  Let me just say - his family is very poor and "backwoods"; they don't have fancy clothes or the money to buy them.  His father will be wearing a tuxedo (paid for by us) as part of the wedding party but I'm worried about what the others will wear.

1) How can I politely make sure they wear the best clothes they have?
2) What should I do for "family" pictures if they end up wear jeans or something?  (We will be taking pictures of the immediate family and then extended family so his aunts and uncles will be in some of the pictures.)
3) I'm especially worried about his two sisters and was wondering if it would be appropriate to talk to them and offer to reimburse them up to, say, $50 if they get something nice to wear?  And if so, can I ask them to send me a receipt so I know they aren't spending the money on something else (especially something not legal)?  And finally, can I ask them to show me what they are buying (or even just buy for them keeping their style in mind) to make sure its appropriate?

Thanks for all your help!

WildRumpus

Like it or not, they're family. If jeans are the nicest thing they can afford so what? At the end of the day, you're married. I promise you, them showing up in jeans WILL NOT ruin the day.

AmoroAgain

I just didn't invite the embarrassing side of my family, to be honest.  Buut, that was my decision, and not my FI's.

ohwhynot

There is no polite or reasonable way to tell adults how to dress themselves.  They are who they are and there's nothing you can do about it.  Wouldn't you be insulted if someone who considered your family less classy told you and your siblings to be sure to wear your best clothes or offered to buy you better clothes? 
The suggestion that you ask for a receipt to make sure they didn't spend your $$ on something else was a joke, I hope. 

andy71781

And if so, can I ask them to send me a receipt so I know they aren't spending the money on something else (especially something not legal)?  And finally, can I ask them to show me what they are buying (or even just buy for them keeping their style in mind) to make sure its appropriate?


No.

pumpkinpumpkin

Wow, "redneck" is the word of the day.

1) How can I politely make sure they wear the best clothes they have? You can't. You really can't tell them how to dress. They're adults. What they choose to wear is not going to reflect you.
2) What should I do for "family" pictures if they end up wear jeans or something?  (We will be taking pictures of the immediate family and then extended family so his aunts and uncles will be in some of the pictures.) Then they'll be wearing jeans. What's the BFD?
3) I'm especially worried about his two sisters and was wondering if it would be appropriate to talk to them and offer to reimburse them up to, say, $50 if they get something nice to wear?  No, you can't do this. And if so, can I ask them to send me a receipt so I know they aren't spending the money on something else (especially something not legal)? This has got to be MUD. Seriously.  And finally, can I ask them to show me what they are buying (or even just buy for them keeping their style in mind) to make sure its appropriate? NO.

So basically, all in all. No, No, No, and no. For real. And don't go whining that I'm being rude either. For real.

maggyruth

They are grown people.  You can't tell them what to wear.

And you're not in payroll...requesting receipts is a bit ludicrous.

kikibaby

Well, aren't you a peach?

Maybe you should have a DW, that way his stupid old poor family won't be able to come.  That'll show 'em!!

stephl3055

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-redneck-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a860bf45-7da6-476b-9b31-b82bb237826bPost:68414d57-8474-4765-a235-917f10cae693">My Fiance's "Redneck Family"</a>:
[QUOTE]I love my fiance to death but he doesn't come form the classiest of families.  I get along with them just fine and I'm really not a judgmental person but I have a few concerns for the wedding.  Let me just say - his family is very poor and "backwoods"; they don't have fancy clothes or the money to buy them.  His father will be wearing a tuxedo (paid for by us) as part of the wedding party but I'm worried about what the others will wear. 1) How can I politely make sure they wear the best clothes they have? 2) What should I do for "family" pictures if they end up wear jeans or something?  (We will be taking pictures of the immediate family and then extended family so his aunts and uncles will be in some of the pictures.) 3) I'm especially worried about his two sisters and was wondering if it would be appropriate to talk to them and offer to reimburse them up to, say, $50 if they get something nice to wear?  And if so, can I ask them to send me a receipt so I know they aren't spending the money on something else (especially something not legal)?  And finally, can I ask them to show me what they are buying (or even just buy for them keeping their style in mind) to make sure its appropriate? Thanks for all your help!
Posted by AaronAndNikki[/QUOTE]

Why does it matter if they are not classy or rich?  Your fiance is a product of that family, so I wouldn't be talking badly about them (even if you say you aren't...). 

1.  It's a wedding, I'm sure they will understand that this is an important event.  You can't tell them what to wear. 

2.  If they wear jeans and it really bothers you that much, don't print the pictures and put them all over your house.  They will wear what they want and what is comfortable for them.  They sound like nice people (you said you get along with them), so what more could you ask of them?

3.  Are you serious on this part?  <strong>You cannot tell them what to wear.</strong>  Period.  If you want to control what his sisters wear, then have them be in the bridal party.  But I doubt you would want a bunch of classless rednecks in the bridal party, correct? 

4.  IF they are going to buy new clothes, and IF they ask you to come with them, you can give your opinion on clothes IF they ask for it.  Do not offer to pay for something and then list out a million requirements because they will realize what you are up to. 

SheDiva4

[QUOTE] 1) How can I politely make sure they wear the best clothes they have?

 2) What should I do for "family" pictures if they end up wear jeans or something?  (We will be taking pictures of the immediate family and then extended family so his aunts and uncles will be in some of the pictures.)

 3) I'm especially worried about his two sisters and was wondering if it would be appropriate to talk to them and offer to reimburse them up to, say, $50 if they get something nice to wear? [/QUOTE]

1.There is no nice or polite way to tell people they dress like" rednecks" and need to change for your wedding. 

As disheartening as it is you really can't force people to wear certain attire unless it is dictated by the venue. 

2. Take the pictures and if you don't like them don't order them for your album.  your photographer will probably take unlimited pix so you don't have to buy the ones you don't want.

3.  Unless you are really close to the sisters then this will probably not go over well.The will probably have a few unkind choice words for you.

Believe me I really understand your dilemma, been to many weddings where one side of the family was well uncultured and women dressed like prostitutes but it was a reflection on these women and not the bride or groom.

Remember you can pick your family...as much as we would like to sometimes.

shellydiane820

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-redneck-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a860bf45-7da6-476b-9b31-b82bb237826bPost:68414d57-8474-4765-a235-917f10cae693">My Fiance's "Redneck Family"</a>:
[QUOTE]I love my fiance to death but he doesn't come form the classiest of families.  I get along with them just fine and I'm really not a judgmental person but I have a few concerns for the wedding.  Let me just say - his family is very poor and "backwoods"; they don't have fancy clothes or the money to buy them.  His father will be wearing a tuxedo (paid for by us) as part of the wedding party but I'm worried about what the others will wear. 1) How can I politely make sure they wear the best clothes they have? 2) What should I do for "family" pictures if they end up wear jeans or something?  (We will be taking pictures of the immediate family and then extended family so his aunts and uncles will be in some of the pictures.) 3) I'm especially worried about his two sisters and was wondering if it would be appropriate to talk to them and offer to reimburse them up to, say, $50 if they get something nice to wear?  And if so, can I ask them to send me a receipt so I know they aren't spending the money on something else (especially something not legal)?  And finally, can I ask them to show me what they are buying (or even just buy for them keeping their style in mind) to make sure its appropriate? Thanks for all your help!
Posted by AaronAndNikki[/QUOTE]


If you want his sisters to wear a certain type of outfit, you pay for it.  You sound like a donkey.

cara91997

I understand your concerns but I don't think it's appropriate to tell them what to wear and DEFINITELY not to offer them $50 each and ask for a receipt. Personally, I think you should just let it go and have them show up as they will. It is no reflection on you whatsoever. If you think they want to dress nice but cannot afford it, perhaps you could give them a gift card to a clothing store in the amount of $50 each but I'm not sure how you could go about that without insulting them. Perhaps your fiance could address that??

shellydiane820

...and I'm also curious.  How does your fi feel when you talk about his family in this manner or do you just talk like this behind his back?

Starmusica

Ok.. jumping in here.. I don't normally post on E...

however- you cannot tell adults how to dress. If you are that concerned talk to FI. If he is that concerned its up to him to deal with. remember- you are spending your life with him and they are part of that package. Insulting and/or humiliating them isnt a good start to that life!

BecW2be

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-redneck-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a860bf45-7da6-476b-9b31-b82bb237826bPost:68414d57-8474-4765-a235-917f10cae693">My Fiance's "Redneck Family"</a>:
[QUOTE]I love my fiance to death but he doesn't come form the classiest of families.  I get along with them just fine and<strong> I'm really not a judgmental person</strong> but I have a few concerns for the wedding.  Posted by AaronAndNikki[/QUOTE]

I don't believe this at all.

salt78

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-redneck-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a860bf45-7da6-476b-9b31-b82bb237826bPost:68414d57-8474-4765-a235-917f10cae693">My Fiance's "Redneck Family"</a>:
[QUOTE]I love my fiance to death but he doesn't come form the classiest of families. 
Posted by AaronAndNikki[/QUOTE]

<div>Does he know you say things like this? My husband would be EXTREMELY hurt if I ever talked about his family this way.</div>

shellydiane820

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-redneck-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a860bf45-7da6-476b-9b31-b82bb237826bPost:900afaab-30ae-4846-9a16-c630a54e73d3">Re: My Fiance's "Redneck Family"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to My Fiance's "Redneck Family" : Does he know you say things like this? My husband would be EXTREMELY hurt if I ever talked about his family this way.
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

That's what I was thinking. 

However *sticks nose in the air*  Nick comes from the classiest of classies.  They all stick their pinkies out when they take a sip of the finest wines.

mwhitson14

DH's family is quite redneck, they admit this blah blah. I was worried about their attire but never said anything about it. Sure enough, DH's grandfather showed up in jeans, a tshirt, and a trucker's hat. Two of his uncles wore the same but with camo hats. His stepgrandmother wore a red skirt, blue top, and a nasty black fake fur stole. I was slightly irritated considering they were in family pictures, but honestly I had a lot more important things to worry about than what they wore. So, the moral of my story is, yes it's irritating, yes I see where you're coming from, but no you can't say anything to them. They'll do what they want regardless.

JoyTate1

I have been a bridesmaid in 2 weddings thus far in the year.  I had to sit through all the family pics and I could not tell you what anyone was wearing.  You will be far too busy on your wedding day to really care what anyone is wearing.

If this is something you are stressing about, then maybe you need a hobby.

laladypoet

is this the theme of today? is your FI going to wear a camo tux?

pooh8402

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-redneck-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a860bf45-7da6-476b-9b31-b82bb237826bPost:68414d57-8474-4765-a235-917f10cae693">My Fiance's "<strong>Redneck</strong> Family"</a>:
[QUOTE]I love my fiance to death but he doesn't come form the classiest of families.  I get along with them just fine and I'm really not a judgmental person but I have a few concerns for the wedding.  Let me just say - his family is <strong>very poor and "backwoods"</strong>; they don't have fancy clothes or the money to buy them.  His father will be wearing a tuxedo (paid for by us) as part of the wedding party but I'm worried about what the others will wear. 1) How can I politely make sure they wear the best clothes they have? 2) What should I do for "family" pictures if they end up wear jeans or something?  (We will be taking pictures of the immediate family and then extended family so his aunts and uncles will be in some of the pictures.) 3) I'm especially worried about his two sisters and was wondering if it would be appropriate to talk to them and offer to reimburse them up to, say, $50 if they get something nice to wear?  And if so, can I ask them to send me a receipt so I know they aren't spending the money on something else (especially something not legal)?  And finally, can I ask them to show me what they are buying (or even just buy for them keeping their style in mind) to make sure its appropriate? Thanks for all your help!
Posted by AaronAndNikki[/QUOTE]

hey now, I resemble that remark. I'm feeling a little insulted myself. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-embarassed.gif" border="0" alt="Embarassed" title="Embarassed" />

AaronAndNikki

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-redneck-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a860bf45-7da6-476b-9b31-b82bb237826bPost:307000a2-749d-44cb-8bd0-da0a276e0bce">Re: My Fiance's "Redneck Family"</a>:
[QUOTE]The suggestion that you ask for a receipt to make sure they didn't spend your $$ on something else was a joke, I hope. 
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

I wish I could've said it ask a joke...  I meant it as a "if it's okay to give them money, then can I...?"  The general consenus is a resounding "no" so that question is moot anyway.  But in the past, FI's sisters have asked him for money or a loan, once saying they were being evicted and another time saying they had collections coming after them for a medical bill.  He found out that they used the money to buy drugs (and of course didn't pay him back).  So unfortunately, I meant it as a way to prevent my money for going toward drugs...

AaronAndNikki

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-redneck-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a860bf45-7da6-476b-9b31-b82bb237826bPost:5736689a-88fb-448d-8ca8-3f557bbe95cc">Re: My Fiance's "Redneck Family"</a>:
[QUOTE]And don't go whining that I'm being rude either. For real.
Posted by pumpkinpumpkin[/QUOTE]

I don't think you're being rude... I realize that my post is out-there and was just wondering if there was ANY way I could approach this issue... Apparently there's not really, but appreciate everyone's honest remarks to make sure I don't make a fool out of myself...

AaronAndNikki

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-redneck-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a860bf45-7da6-476b-9b31-b82bb237826bPost:a2ad39cf-3c20-4131-aa10-a3a5699ac3c0">Re: My Fiance's "Redneck Family"</a>:
[QUOTE]1.There is no nice or polite way to tell people they dress like" rednecks" and need to change for your wedding.  As disheartening as it is you really can't force people to wear certain attire unless it is dictated by the venue.  2. Take the pictures and if you don't like them don't order them for your album.  your photographer will probably take unlimited pix so you don't have to buy the ones you don't want. 3.  Unless you are really close to the sisters then this will probably not go over well.The will probably have a few unkind choice words for you. Believe me I really understand your dilemma, been to many weddings where one side of the family was well uncultured and women dressed like prostitutes but it was a reflection on these women and not the bride or groom. Remember you can pick your family...as much as we would like to sometimes.
Posted by SheDiva4[/QUOTE]

Thanks for your response!  Just a few remarks - you made a very good point about the pictures and not ordering them...  I'd hate to see the album revolve around my family and not his (even though he prefers it that way anyway) but we'll just work with what we've got.  (Maybe put them in the back row if they wear jeans but a nicer top..?)  And the point about how people dress doesn't reflect on the bride and groom is very nice as well... That's a big part of my worry... How some of my family or family friends would judge FI because of his family...

AaronAndNikki

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-redneck-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a860bf45-7da6-476b-9b31-b82bb237826bPost:c96e9ee9-1f38-4706-9297-825b51ead09d">Re: My Fiance's "Redneck Family"</a>:
[QUOTE]...and I'm also curious.  How does your fi feel when you talk about his family in this manner or do you just talk like this behind his back?
Posted by shellydiane820[/QUOTE]

No, it's not me talking behind his back... This was his concern and I didn't know who else to ask so I thought asking other Knotties might help.  He told me all about his family before I met them because he felt like he had to prepare me... He's nothing like his family and is constantly embarrassed by them (and not embarrassed to be seen with them because of how they look or that they don't have money -because frankly we don't either- but more embarrassed about seeing their names in the paper getting arrested and that sort of thing). 

He didn't want to invite them to the wedding at all (except his dad) but I convinced him that he should rethink that... I think family is important and thought that one day he might regret not having them there.  He is afraid that some of the older members of my family (like the grandmas that have reached the point in their lives where they feel they are old enough and wise enough to freely dispense their so-not-PC opinions out loud) might see his family and have that reflect poorly on him...

AaronAndNikki

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-redneck-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a860bf45-7da6-476b-9b31-b82bb237826bPost:f2e155dc-4663-469b-a163-dbdf95c8d0da">Re: My Fiance's "Redneck Family"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to My Fiance's "Redneck Family" : I don't believe this at all.
Posted by BecW2be[/QUOTE]

I just posted this, but want to reiterate because I feel like this whole post makes me look like a bad person...  It's not that I think poorly of them because of their income, clothing choices, or really much of anything - it's that FI is worried about being embarrassed by them, having them reflect poorly on him.  
 
I have a grandma that routinely makes racist or other non-PC remarks that I don't want to do anything crazy... I would not put it past her to say something to someone in jeans that they aren't dressed appropriate, etc. (she's OLD).  [I plan on having someone kinda "baby-sit" her for the day to make sure she's not doing anything inappropriate.  Just keeping her comments at least to a whisper!] 

Anyway, I'm much relieved by the several comments that remarked that the guests don't reflect on the bride and groom and hope that my family feels that way and doesn't think negatively on FI because of anything his family does.  (My family's never met his before and won't before the wedding because of where everyone lives.)  He's just terrified that my family will think bad of him and not like him because of something outside his control... so I was just trying to come up with something little that could help that (by having everyone dressed nicely).

AaronAndNikki

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-redneck-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:a860bf45-7da6-476b-9b31-b82bb237826bPost:414072d7-f942-4ecb-bc6e-1081cbfdd65d">Re: My Fiance's "Redneck Family"</a>:
[QUOTE]DH's family is quite redneck, they admit this blah blah. I was worried about their attire but never said anything about it. Sure enough, DH's grandfather showed up in jeans, a tshirt, and a trucker's hat. Two of his uncles wore the same but with camo hats. His stepgrandmother wore a red skirt, blue top, and a nasty black fake fur stole. I was slightly irritated considering they were in family pictures, but honestly I had a lot more important things to worry about than what they wore. So, the moral of my story is, yes it's irritating, yes I see where you're coming from, but no you can't say anything to them. They'll do what they want regardless.
Posted by mwhitson14[/QUOTE]

Happy to know you got through it all!  I guess it's true that right now there's so much to think about and worry about but when the day comes there's so much going on that I won't be worried about the little things... And also a good point about doing what they want regardless; I could see his sisters deciding to wear something even worse than what they might otherwise wear just for fun...

polichik

You took that quite well, actually. Well done.

Are you sure that your FI is happy about having his family there? It sounds like the only reason that they're coming is because you think they should. I see where you're coming from about family being important, but sometimes people distance themselves from their families for a good reason, you know?

pooh8402

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fiances-redneck-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a860bf45-7da6-476b-9b31-b82bb237826bPost:2dc52740-6dab-469c-8966-5b3e6dadd969">Re: My Fiance's "Redneck Family"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: My Fiance's "Redneck Family" : Oh please don't be offended!  I didn't mean to offend anyone at all!!  That's what they describe themselves as...  And it's the best I could do for this post.  If I had all the time in the world I wouldn't gone more descriptive and it might've made better sense... They call themselves rednecks and trailer trash...  They like to call everything they eat "roadkill"...  Generally like to find as much trouble as possible and usually are "on something" while doing so... So I don't mean to offend anyone - I just thought that description might help illustrate the issue we were having...  SO SORRY for offending you!!  Hope you'll accept my apologies!
Posted by AaronAndNikki[/QUOTE]

dude, chill. it was a joke and a reference to the Three Stooges. fairly well-known comedic line.

phoeny_moonstar

You will just have to deal with what his family wears. You can not dictate what grown adults wear to your wedding. My MIL and FIL wore jeans and flannel shirts to my wedding. And were in my pictures.

kristi-ji

To be perfectly honest my dear, many people struggle with differences between families. Whether small or large, you could worry yourself to death, fretting over how everyone will come together, how they will get along. Whether economical, racial, cultural, etc. everyone has hurdles to over come, translations to be made, etc. To be blunt, it is NOT your problem. You and your FI are celebrating your love in front of your family and friends, possibly the only time that all of you will be in one place together to share in your joy and happiness. So, just let it go and enjoy your moment. It doesn't matter what Aunt so and so says to cousin so and so. It doens't matter what your new sister in law wears. It might be annoying, yes, but what really matters is that these people are there for you and yours. And you want your new families to be honest, right? You want this to be celebration of your coming together. Let people be themselves! Isn't that the best part? Rather than trying to force everyone to pretend for one day to be something they are not, let the wonderful chaos of family happnen! At the end of the day, you'll be too busy staring into your FI's eyes to notice that someone snuck jeans into the affair.