Wedding Etiquette Forum
Options

hate friends so called bf want to report him to INS long

So I work with a girl who I am pretty good friends with outside of work so I planned on inviting her and sent her a save the date. She has a boyfriend who I never like, expressed that to her but then got over it and figured its her life ya know. I planned on inviting him too and was going to put his name on the invite (did not on STD,  because they are on and off all the time). Recently…sh*t hit the fan! She got pregnant, he ditched her, told her he wanted a paternity test, etc, she found him in bed with another girl, other things that are worse that you can not imagine. Meanwhile, I am still keeping quiet cause I know if I say something that I will eventually look like the bad guy when if they get back together, but am being there for her listening and stuff. They end up back together and all is well (in her messed up fantasy world). Then last week she miscarries, and he tells her she was never pregnant in the first place, she is a liar, blah blah blah. She is a mess, he is nowhere to be found…a real jerk. So at this point I pretty much went off and told her exactly what I think of him, he is a con artist, does not care about her (background- illegal immigrant who uses her for car, money and house) is never going to marry her or be there for her and she is too good for him.

 

So now they are fine again! And she obvi told him everything I said which I don’t care cause I hate his guts. But how do I handle seeing this person when I have to and more so do I invite him to our wedding? My FI hates him too (in the past we had a housewarming party, he came and was wasted by 2pm, got sick all over our house and FI is a cop so is not sympathetic to illegals). I think if I am ever around this person its going to take everything I have not to give him a piece of my mind for treating my friend like that.

«1

Re: hate friends so called bf want to report him to INS long

  • Options
    Since your FI is a policeman and he knows thhis guy is an illegal I believe it is a federal offense for him to NOT report him/turn him into INS.  This is the reason several cities have become "safe havens", the police force didn't want to be INS henchmen.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hate-friends-called-bf-want-report-him-ins-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ac15e331-56af-41b7-b808-20b1ea6511b3Post:64ab1c4f-48f3-4429-af3f-b4413c366d7e">hate friends so called bf want to report him to INS long</a>:
    [QUOTE]So I work with a girl who I am pretty good friends with outside of work so I planned on inviting her and sent her a save the date. She has a boyfriend who I never like, expressed that to her but then got over it and figured its her life ya know. I planned on inviting him too and was going to put his name on the invite (did not on STD ,   because they are on and off all the time). Recently…sh*t hit the fan! She got pregnant, he ditched her, told her he wanted a paternity test, etc, she found him in bed with another girl, other things that are worse that you can not imagine. Meanwhile, I am still keeping quiet cause I know if I say something that I will eventually look like the bad guy when if they get back together, but am being there for her listening and stuff. They end up back together and all is well (in her messed up fantasy world). Then last week she miscarries, and he tells her she was never pregnant in the first place, she is a liar, blah blah blah. She is a mess, he is nowhere to be found…a real jerk. So at this point I pretty much went off and told her exactly what I think of him, he is a con artist, does not care about her (background- illegal immigrant who uses her for car, money and house) is never going to marry her or be there for her and she is too good for him.   So now they are fine again! And she obvi told him everything I said which I don’t care cause I hate his guts. But how do I handle seeing this person when I have to and more so do I invite him to our wedding? My FI hates him too (in the past we had a housewarming party, he came and was wasted by 2pm, got sick all over our house and FI is a cop so is not sympathetic to illegals). I think if I am ever around this person its going to take everything I have not to give him a piece of my mind for treating my friend like that.
    Posted by squirrelly29[/QUOTE]

    First off, you sound really racist here.

    Second, why/how could you invite him to your wedding if he's 'nowhere to be found'? 

    You have bigger issues here than who is going to be invited to your wedding.
    image
  • Options
    Um...if your FI is a cop, and knows this guy is illegal, I'm pretty sure he has a duty to report.

    On everything else: mind your own business. Period. It's her life, not yours. FWIW - i had a friend like you - kinda - she HATED Mark when we first started dating, 8 years ago. She had no reason to dislike him other than his brothers are a bit weird and his dad is Croatian. I haven't spoken to her in 6.5 years. She was my very very best friend. But I realized that she was jealous of our relationship, and she wasn't concerned about me at all. I'm FAR better off without her.
    image
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hate-friends-called-bf-want-report-him-ins-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ac15e331-56af-41b7-b808-20b1ea6511b3Post:52e35465-454f-4b7a-88a6-c2991ec0034c">Re: hate friends so called bf want to report him to INS long</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to hate friends so called bf want to report him to INS long : First off, you sound really racist here.
    Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]

    I didn't notice her mention a race at all, only that he was in the country illegally.
    image
    ttc chart
    BFP 8/01/12, EDD 04/10/12, mm/c @ 6wks, discovered at 8wks, D&C 9/05/12
  • Options
    I don't think there is a duty to report - people who are here without papers aren't really committing a criminal act.  I believe it is a civil violation of federal regulations, not a crime, to be here without proper authorization or to overstay your authorized visit. 
    In any event, OP, by the time you send out invitations he may or may not be in her life.  If you're going to send her a +1, you dont' get to decide who she chooses to bring. 
  • Options
    I wish he would report him! But he said in his experience, they will not do anything unless the person has broken a law.

    I am not racist at all! This personfrom Ireland and I am Irish as well so trust me, no racism at all. I had nothign against this person besides the way he treats my friend. I want to report him to get him out of her life!

    As for not having a reason to like him, I think I have one. I am the one at the doctor with her for the pregnancy when he is calling her names and sleeping with other people but she continues to take him back. He uses her. I want her to find someone better and not waste her time on him, thats all.

    Yea, I am not too worried about the wedding part...its more of how do I handle my friend now and if I have to see this person as they are back together.
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hate-friends-called-bf-want-report-him-ins-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ac15e331-56af-41b7-b808-20b1ea6511b3Post:64ab1c4f-48f3-4429-af3f-b4413c366d7e">hate friends so called bf want to report him to INS long</a>:
    [QUOTE] My FI hates him too (in the past we had a housewarming party, he came and was wasted by 2pm, got sick all over our house and FI is a cop so is not sympathetic to illegals).
    Posted by squirrelly29[/QUOTE]

    This is the part I take issue with.  He's a jerk for puking all over your house and screwing over your friend...not because he's an illegal immigrant.  An American citizen could do the same thing and would still be a jerk.  His immigration status here is irrelevant, IMO.

    Frankly, I don't think revenge is a great idea here.  The odds of any complaint against him being timely investigated and him deported are pretty low, so the way I see this going is you report him, he finds out and raises even MORE hell for your friend, and any proceedings against him fizzle out/he evades them/they take a long time to complete.  It's just fuel on the fire, IMO.  Your FI may have to report him as part of his job, I don't know, but I think you should stay out of it. 

    Be a good friend to your friend, let her cry on your shoulder, and don't invite him to the wedding, obviously.  This "revenge" seems petty and childish.
    image
    two years!
    after two losses, now happily expecting baby #1 09.16.12
    Pregnancy Ticker
    Brie Fit Blog | BFP Chart
  • Options
    I just don't see how it's relevant that he's here illegally.
    image
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hate-friends-called-bf-want-report-him-ins-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ac15e331-56af-41b7-b808-20b1ea6511b3Post:52e35465-454f-4b7a-88a6-c2991ec0034c">Re: hate friends so called bf want to report him to INS long</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to hate friends so called bf want to report him to INS long : First off, you sound really racist here.
    Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]

    I am just curious.... but how?
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Options
    You really need to butt out of your friend's life and let her live ti the way she sees fit.  It is not your place to judge.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
    image
    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
    my read shelf:
    Betrothed 123's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hate-friends-called-bf-want-report-him-ins-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ac15e331-56af-41b7-b808-20b1ea6511b3Post:cff78424-6297-48ca-84b1-e790c88d6f1b">Re: hate friends so called bf want to report him to INS long</a>:
    [QUOTE]I wish he would report him! But he said in his experience, they will not do anything unless the person has broken a law. I am not racist at all! This personfrom Ireland and I am Irish as well so trust me, no racism at all. I had nothign against this person besides the way he treats my friend. I want to report him to get him out of her life! As for not having a reason to like him, I think I have one. I am the one at the doctor with her for the pregnancy when he is calling her names and sleeping with other people but she continues to take him back. He uses her. I want her to find someone better and not waste her time on him, thats all. Yea, I am not too worried about the wedding part...its more of how do I handle my friend now and if I have to see this person as they are back together.
    Posted by squirrelly29[/QUOTE]

    OK, what does that say about our country when someone says illegal immigrant, somone else automatically thinks that person is non-white?    As squirrelly just showed illegals come from everywhere! 

    Oh, and I would just invite the friend, not the S/O as they aren't engaged or married.  And you don't like him. 
  • Options
    His status is relevant because he has no job, no income, no car and can not get credit so he uses my friend for all these things, the only reason he is with her...he is a con artist!

    I am obvi not going to report him, I was being sarcastic, I would have done it by now if I was planning on it because the thigns he has done to her would make you cringe.
  • Options
    There is nothing you can do or say that will make her see the light about this guy. this is something she is going to have to figure out on her own sadly.  But you don't have to continue to pick up the peices when they fall apart.  Let her deal with the fallout and evenutally she'll tire of it and get a clue.
  • Options
    Just continue being her friend as much as you can be, although I can relate to how tiring it is to prop up a girlfriend who is on-again, off-again with men that treat her like shiit (my sister is like this).

    Try not to lose your temper on her, but I think expressing your opinion is fine. Just be prepared that she may cut off contact with you one of these days if she doesn't like what you have to say...going back to my sister, this happened to one of my other sisters when she expressed her concern...the two of them didn't speak for about a year.

    But I think sometimes you have to express your opinion. I see my sis now with 2 failed marriages and 4 kids and sometimes I wish I had been more aggressive in telling her what I thought. But it's tricky,because you can't change people, and you can say all you want to folks but if they're not ready to listen they won't hear you.
  • Options
    Ohwhynot, I'm not an atty, but I did find this

    http://www.americanpatrol.com/REFERENCE/AidAbetUnlawfulSec8USC1324.html
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Options
    BTW OP, your typing is atrocious.
    image
  • Options
    Regardless of anything else, you don't have to invite him to your wedding.  Yes, they're a social unit, but if you think he's going to cause problems, that's a fair enough reason to not want him there.  And if he hates you as much as you say he does, do you really think he'll even want to come? 

    Sounds like it could be a situation where neither of them show up anyway.
    image
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hate-friends-called-bf-want-report-him-ins-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ac15e331-56af-41b7-b808-20b1ea6511b3Post:5a1ef97e-6a00-4d2f-ac93-83deb5f94ae5">Re: hate friends so called bf want to report him to INS long</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: hate friends so called bf want to report him to INS long : OK, what does that say about our country when someone says illegal immigrant, somone else automatically thinks that person is non-white? 
    Posted by britne28[/QUOTE]

    That doesn't say anything about our country.  It says something about Kiki.
  • Options
    PUMPKIN...you sound like my mom, she tells me that all the time. I do not spell check unless its a work email. I just went  back and re-read and actually am proud of myself! It could have been much worse!

    Anyways...you guys are prob right, its her life. Problem is, I already opening my big fat mouth. I really hoped she would see the light, thats all.
  • Options
    To be honest, I think your "friend" sounds pretty messed up too, lying about a pregnancy and a miscarriage is pretty major.
    image
    (Married)meganandshane.weebly.com~
    (Planning)shaneandmegan.weebly.com
  • Options
    Sorry, heels, I live in a place with a lot of Mexican immigrants, so 99.999% of the time someone is talking about an illegal, they are talking about someone from Mexico, not someone from Ireland.

    I apologize to the OP for assuming.  You know what the say about when you assume... my bad.
    image
  • Options
    Oh I forgot to tell you all...she never told anyone else about any of this but ME!! Not her parents (they feel the same about him) or any of our other friends. So she knows its messed up too, just wont ditch him for good.
  • Options
    I think the illegal immigrant status is very relevant actually and didn't sense racism even before she said he was Irish. 

    And kiki he is not nowhere to be found, they're back together again. Finish the post.

    Honestly though, I don't think I would report him, particularly since you said they wouldnt' do anything if he hadn't commited a crime.  I have a friend who tends to date huge assholes, although not really like this, and I completely understand how you feel. I'm still doing my best to be her shoulder to cry on, but at some point it gets absurd when you know they're making terrible decisions. 

    But like others said, there's not a whole lot you can do about it.  I mean it's your choice whether to invite him or not, just realize it may damage your friendship if you don't.  Honestly I wouldn't want him there. 

    I guess my advice is just to be the best friend you can be while not enabling this behavior from either of them.  It got to the point with my friend that I began to ignore her when she complained about her "boyfriends" because she would talk to me for several hours a day then break off plans with me to go sleep with them.  Enough is enough, and you can only give out so much unheeded advice.

    I'm hoping that P2 your situation with your friend and Mark is different since from what little I know about Mark he seems like a great guy, I just don't think I could assume that it's the same. I know you didn't say that, I'm just saying, sometimes friends break off friendships because the guy really IS an assface and terrible for several people.
    Leo says hi. He's...special.
    image
    Married
    Planning
  • Options
    Wait did she actually lie about the pregnancy or did he just make that up to make her look bad?
    Leo says hi. He's...special.
    image
    Married
    Planning
  • Options
    I have a couple things to say:

    Firstly, I don't see one racist remark in the OP.

    Secondly, if you were really a stickler for the law, you'd have called immigration the moment you found out he was illegal, however, you didn't and it looks vindictive and spiteful at this point if you do.

    Thirdly, please put a signature pic in your post, I read this entire post and didn't realize until the end that you weren't squrrly from KY and I was all sorts of confused because she totally wouldn't write something like this. 

    AND lastly.  Do not invite him to the wedding if you don't want to.  They don't necessarily fall in the "super serious or LTR" category at this point, and I think she understands how you feel about him and will understand why his name is not included. 
  • Options
    ohwhynotohwhynot member
    First Comment
    edited February 2010
    A Mrs:  It's complicated, but nothing in that cite contradicts what I wrote.  Basically, as I understand it, entering without authorization can be a crime, but simply being here without proper authorization (most commonly, overstaying a student or visiting visa) is a civil violation.   The term "illegal alien" is kind of a misnomer. 

    Also - that site you linked to is pretty aggressively anti-immigration and tends to frame its presentation in a certain way.  I don't want the thread to devolve into an immigration debate, but when folks kept saying that OP's boyfriend had a duty to report illegal activity, I decided to speak up on that part of it. 
  • Options
    no worries Kiki:)
  • Options
    The friend didn't lie about the pregnancy/miscarriage, the boyfriend accused her of doing so.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards