hate friends so called bf want to report him to INS long

tlv204

That's what I thought Laura, I was confused by whit's post.

LauraT25

I went back and re-read it, because I was unsure - I definitely skimmed the OP because it was pretty hard to read.  That would change things a little.

squirrelly29

pregnancy was real...she was 7 weeks and miscarried last week, spent time with her at docs, then she had to get the pills that speed it up, poor thing. So she was home all weekend in pain while he was out screwing others.

Oh and she comes into work today and tells me that she and him are going skiing this weekend to the Berkshires (she has a house  there and a house on the beach ...can you see now why he would be using her)!

I am taking advice from posts above, I am ignoring it! I wont say a word anymore its her life. I will still be there for her if she needs me but I seriously loose sleep over this cause I feel so bad for her.

Brie2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hate-friends-called-bf-want-report-him-ins-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ac15e331-56af-41b7-b808-20b1ea6511b3Post:9812e135-4e8e-4a24-af8d-9ab300e48fe9">Re: hate friends so called bf want to report him to INS long</a>:
[QUOTE]I Secondly, if you were really a stickler for the law, you'd have called immigration the moment you found out he was illegal, however, you didn't and it looks vindictive and spiteful at this point if you do.
Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]

This, exactly.

fishieballerina

You, your FI, and your friend are all at a legal obligation to report him (it is considered a crime to be in this country illegally and you are aiding him in this crime).

That being said, DO NOT invite this guy to your wedding. No matter what the current etiquette rules are, this guy is bad news. Sounds like your friend has some issues as far as choosing a good partner, I won't get into that, but you should really explain to her that this guy is abusive (this is considered abuse both verbal and psychological). Also, does she really the stds (and not the save-the-dates) that she is setting herself up for? I am assuming that if she got pregnant they were either having unprotected sex or a contraception malfunction, either way she is able to get STDs and if he is sleeping around with other women, he could be carrying them. As her friend you should warn her about this REAL concern. 

Up until recently the rules for inviting SO to the wedding was if the were engaged, married, or living together. I think that if he continues to leave like this they can't be considered living together because he is also living with whoever else he is sleeping with until he leaves her. Also, if neither you or you fiance can stand him and he is clearly not committed to your friend at all, than I would say tell her not to bring him and then sit her at the table with your best single guy friend (ok, you don't have to do that last part, but perhaps finding someone good for her would help her realize she needs to dump the free loader.)

sarabellam

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hate-friends-called-bf-want-report-him-ins-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ac15e331-56af-41b7-b808-20b1ea6511b3Post:2153ac8c-41a5-45cf-89d2-998915eacf7f">Re: hate friends so called bf want to report him to INS long</a>:
[QUOTE]To be honest, I think your "friend" sounds pretty messed up too, lying about a pregnancy and a miscarriage is pretty major.
Posted by mwhitson14[/QUOTE]

Whit, reading comprehension fail. The BF accused her of lying about the pregnancy/miscarriage.

Stackeye210

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hate-friends-called-bf-want-report-him-ins-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ac15e331-56af-41b7-b808-20b1ea6511b3Post:50072856-28b3-4b4d-a86e-384400f32407">Re: hate friends so called bf want to report him to INS long</a>:
[QUOTE]I am taking advice from posts above, I am ignoring it! I wont say a word anymore its her life. I will still be there for her if she needs me but I seriously loose sleep over this cause I feel so bad for her.
Posted by squirrelly29[/QUOTE]

I wouldn't "ignore" it completely, but you have to find a happy medium between keeping quiet and letting things build so much that you explode.  Neither one is healthy for her, or for yourself. 

Just be honest in a respectful manner. 

squirrelly29

Fishie...he gave her HBV...not sure how bad that is but she was pretty upset.

Stackeye210

HBV?  Or HPV? 

tlv204

HPV (assuming that's what you meant, could be wrong. can go away on it's own, sit there forever, or cause cervical cancer among other things.  So I mean certainly not a good thing.

squirrelly29

hpv...sorry about that.

crfische

Pick better friends.

I also don't understand people who come here on their like...first ever post, and post crap like this.

I mean, people who post a lot post a rant here and there, but we know them, so it's like, ok, I get it. But a complete stranger to post a vent is weird.

I'm voting troll.

kikibaby

I think she posted before... I may be remembering wrong, but squirrely- didn't you have another SN that was your real name or email address, and you changed it to this?  I just remember everyone being like "Ack, we already have a squirrly!"

SwedishChick2011

You're right, Kiki. 

squirrelly29

yes kiki, that was me...I used to have my email, which I accidentally still post sometimes when I am logged into the wrong acct (all saved pics, checklist, etc under orginal name).

I am not really sure what a troll is, but I am the only person that knows about this, so can not tell any of my friends cause they know her. I was not ranting and raving...just asking for advice, and lots of people gave it, so I dont see the problem.

sarah0725

Yeah fishy, this squirrelly or whatever has been around for at least a few weeks. I still recommend a nice sig picture so that we can start recognizing you. The little avatar is too small.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hate-friends-called-bf-want-report-him-ins-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ac15e331-56af-41b7-b808-20b1ea6511b3Post:41bcfb01-1a76-4166-9bbb-938e9ef265b4">Re: hate friends so called bf want to report him to INS long</a>:
[QUOTE]A Mrs:  It's complicated, but nothing in that cite contradicts what I wrote.  Basically, as I understand it, entering without authorization can be a crime, but simply being here without proper authorization (most commonly, overstaying a student or visiting visa) is a civil violation.   The term "illegal alien" is kind of a misnomer.  Also - that site you linked to is pretty aggressively anti-immigration and tends to frame its presentation in a certain way.  I don't want the thread to devolve into an immigration debate, but when folks kept saying that OP's boyfriend had a duty to report illegal activity, I decided to speak up on that part of it. 
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

Actually, it is a federal crime, and overstaying a visa and/or entering without inspection will get someone barred from entering the country for anywhere from 5 years to life if he/she gets caught.  The fact is that the illegal immigrant problem here is so rampant that INS tends to focus on getting the violent criminals off the street.  If her BF were to leave the country and return, his travel pattern should be caught by CBP at which time, he would be refused admission or admitted pending a hearing w/ an immigration judge.

mwhitson14

Sorry y'all. I did misunderstand.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Ha! I knew a guy from Ireland who's legal status was questionable, so I'm in agreement with the whole, "Illegal doesn't = racist" camp.

Anyway, OP, I'd be surprised if he even wants to see you again. My friend's douchebag boyfriend knew we all hated him after shithitthefan at one point. I havne't seen him since September, even though they broke up a few weeks ago. So really, even stupid people don't want to be around others who they know despise them. I wouldn't worry too much about awkward social situations.

katiewhompus

Just keep being a shoulder to cry on (as emotionally taxing as that may be) and otherwise let her life go where she takes it. If she's not ready to hear that her bf sucks she isn't going to believe you or do anything about it.
FWIW, when I broke up with my last bf I had a lot of friend apoligies to give. They were completely right about him and I never saw it. Some I was angry with and we're still patching up 3 years later, but we all see the light eventually.

As far as the illegal, unless he's doing something wrong I don't think INS would do anything about it. I'm not sure about Boston but I know here there are too many illegals here for them to make house calls. Then again, next time he gets drunk you could always call the cops. I would imagine drunk in public would lead to an id check which would lead to finding an illegal status?

NuggetBrain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_hate-friends-called-bf-want-report-him-ins-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ac15e331-56af-41b7-b808-20b1ea6511b3Post:0e9247e1-a058-4748-b68b-c99ebe4eaeec">Re: hate friends so called bf want to report him to INS long</a>:
[QUOTE] Then again, next time he gets drunk you could always call the cops. I would imagine drunk in public would lead to an id check which would lead to finding an illegal status?
Posted by katiewhompus[/QUOTE]

Either that or it would lead to a vastly amusing Ron White skit involving the alias "Tater Salad".

squirrelly29

another thing I forgot to mention was that there is an arrest warrant for him in ireland! I would never call for real, i just just venting.

I am hoping thats the case, he doe snot want to see me ever again but knowing him, if it involved a free meal, ride, drink, etc, he would still come.

megandjay

Just be as supportive for your friend as you can. But set some boundaries for yourself so that you don't get quite so sucked into her drama.

Tell her something like "I really love you and I am here for you, but I can't be supportive of your relationship with X because I don't think he treats you as well as you deserve". You can't make her break up with him, she has to come around to that on her own.

I don't see this situation as different than any other 'friend has a jerk boyfriend' situation, just because he is here illegally. And I doubt reporting him would do anything anyway.