2nd Weddings/ Vow Renewal/ Pretty Princess Day

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-weddings-vow-renewal-pretty-princess-day?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:af8e0dde-56a9-40d1-b408-f7ec24891cc5Post:4b0a0bf7-50cc-47ea-ae4f-bd38307cca39">Re: 2nd Weddings/ Vow Renewal/ Pretty Princess Day</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, I basically can echo squirrly word for word. Marrying for the extra BAH is AWFUL, especially those who say they're not "really" married and it's just the legal part and all the other shiz they say. It's not okay to do that just because one of you is military. You ARE really married. Also, we had all of our contracts written with a military clause - in the case of inconvenient deployment, we'd have been able to keep all of our deposits and move to another reasonable day in the future, OR, again like squirrly said, a short notice deployment would have led to us scrambling together a small, very nice JOP ceremony with a close family and friends celebration. Refusing to acknowledge that is IS possible to plan a nice little event on very short notice is obnoxious. Refusing to grow up an accept the fact that sacrificing your big wedding may very well be the smallest sacrifice you have to make with the military is obnoxious. The attitude that a couple "deserves" a big white wedding with all the trappings is obnoxious. It's all just obnoxious.
Posted by temerityjane[/QUOTE]

I love all of this. If you're marrying into the military, you hve to realize that there are many sacrifices you'll make. Not having control of the deployment schedule is just one. It's another one of those things where there are many acceptable options - people just want to chose one that's not really an option (the secret wedding/pretty princess day). You can JOP before a deployment and be married and get BAH. Yay! You can wait until your FI gets back and not get insurance or BAH payments while he/she is away, but then you can have a big wedding. Yay! Doing both is AWish and lame.

I'm actually a bit more lenient when it comes to immigration, though. In that case, you really do have 3-4 months and you can't plan before because you just don't know if you'll be told to get married in 3 months or in 5 years.

temerityjane

hcbrowne, for every "wedding" after a JOP that I've seen, the bride & groom have their own justifications as to why their particular situation is super unique (military, family expectations, pregnancy, whatever) and therefore truly calls for the second wedding hoopla. You just have to be okay with your own, I guess.

Lisa8888

A second wedding/pretty princess day doesn't make any sense to me. The couple is already married.

baystateapple

Someone I know from church is trying for something like this, funny thing is, it's a GUY.

He and his wife got married back in 2006 after she got knocked up.  She wasn't Catholic, so they got married in a non-denominational chapel.  She wore a white dress, they had flowers, it was very simple but nice.  They've been married for five years now, and he's been speaking about wanting a convalidation (getting the marriage blessed in the Catholic church).  Only he wants the whole "pretty princess day" again -- white dress, flowers, music, reception -- because they "didn't do it right the first time"!

He told me to "save the date" for 2012 for their second wedding.  Um, you will have been married SIX YEARS by then.  You have two children.  This is ridiculous.

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-weddings-vow-renewal-pretty-princess-day?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:af8e0dde-56a9-40d1-b408-f7ec24891cc5Post:fc0ae21e-8e2f-4419-9dcd-9de8c526cac4">Re: 2nd Weddings/ Vow Renewal/ Pretty Princess Day</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 2nd Weddings/ Vow Renewal/ Pretty Princess Day : I agree with this completely. I am with you on this one. I mean, if a second wedding or vow renewal or whatever offends people that much or people don't like it, they have the choice to check the "NO" box on the RSVPs.
Posted by Champagne Supernova[/QUOTE]

Well obviously.  But that's not the question the OP asked.

hcbrowne

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-weddings-vow-renewal-pretty-princess-day?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:af8e0dde-56a9-40d1-b408-f7ec24891cc5Post:6d34a7d7-b30c-4045-8fee-5e94fa055c70">Re: 2nd Weddings/ Vow Renewal/ Pretty Princess Day</a>:
[QUOTE]hcbrowne, for every "wedding" after a JOP that I've seen, the bride & groom have their own justifications as to why their particular situation is super unique (military, family expectations, pregnancy, whatever) and therefore truly calls for the second wedding hoopla. You just have to be okay with your own, I guess.
Posted by temerityjane[/QUOTE]

I think what I have been trying to say, that apparently isn't coming across very well--is that I am planning on doing whatever I have to do to AVOID being in that situation. I don't want a wedding ceremony after a JOP, at all. It is what everyone else wants us to do, but I am personally against it. I do want to be able to invite my family and give them enough time to buy plane tickets in advance. That is my *hope* but obviously I may be left with different choices. It is not at all abt the big white wedding for me it is about family for me, that is what a wedding is about a joining of two families. I know that I will do whatever I can to include both families and after I have exhausted those possibilities if I am not able to plan something (and end up having a JOP ceremony) they and I will both know I did everything I could. Basically...I will try and find out of Christmas Exodus is a viable option and if it isn't we will have a small ceremony before he leaves. I am hoping for the previous rather than the latter so I can include our families. I DO have a lot of family pressure to have another ceremony after a JOP because they wouldn't be included otherwise...idk what to do about it.

Birdie1483

My brother and SIL did the whole JOP and then ceremony two months later. Their justification would totally not fly with peeps on here, but they're my family and I love them, so I don't judge them for it.

I've known other people to do the whole two wedding thing and I didn't understand it as much. However, I wasn't invited to their wedding so I didn't really care. I guess if I were invited to a second wedding and expected to bring a big gift I might care more.

There are just a lot more things going on in my life that I could probably use my energy on than worrying about what other people do with their own time and money. If any of my friends want to do a second wedding and don't expect a gift, I say whatever floats their boat. I'll be there with a smile on my face and a hug for them afterwards. Just don't make me sit through a long boring ceremony.

However, the situations Squirrly was talking about would make me want to cut a bitch. Totally not cool. I don't care who gets married and how they do it as long as they WANT to be married to each other for the rest of their life and have no ulterior motives.

I will add that I've never understood vow renewals as well, no matter how long you've been married. I totally get the parties, but I feel like the whole vow renewal part could be done in the privacy of your own home between the two of you and you don't need everyone and their brother watching to justify what you're saying.

KatyRoseM

Moving away from the military and immigration, I think there are some religious reasons to redo your wedding.  I know Catholics who JOPd and then (years later) changed their minds and wanted the church to recognise the marriage.  Some Jews who need to convert to be married but it takes longer than expected and messes up wedding plans (if there is some other reason they need to be legally married at the time they planned, the one I went to was military as well).  Also people who are LDS sometimes have to wait a year to be married in the temple, I'm not sure why but it happens a bit in Utah.  I'm ok with all these cases, but then I think religious marriage is important separately from legal marriage. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-weddings-vow-renewal-pretty-princess-day?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:af8e0dde-56a9-40d1-b408-f7ec24891cc5Post:c4b71494-c5c0-4874-8b68-ad47a7da0114">Re: 2nd Weddings/ Vow Renewal/ Pretty Princess Day</a>:
[QUOTE]  Um, you will have been married SIX YEARS by then.  You have two children.  This is ridiculous.
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

A girl on my local board is doing this. She's been married for 7 years and has 2 kids (JOPed it when she was 18). She's now planning a big "wedding" at the cathedral so she can have a "church wedding." Dress, wedding party, huge reception, the whole shebang. It makes me wonder that no one ever says anything to these people? If my kid wanted to it I might say something like, "don't you think it's a bit much?"

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-weddings-vow-renewal-pretty-princess-day?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:af8e0dde-56a9-40d1-b408-f7ec24891cc5Post:27ea4e99-415f-4291-92ce-fb85f047d761">Re: 2nd Weddings/ Vow Renewal/ Pretty Princess Day</a>:
[QUOTE]Moving away from the military and immigration, I think there are some religious reasons to redo your wedding.  I know Catholics who JOPd and then (years later) changed their minds and wanted the church to recognise the marriage.  Some Jews who need to convert to be married but it takes longer than expected and messes up wedding plans (if there is some other reason they need to be legally married at the time they planned, the one I went to was military as well).  Also people who are LDS sometimes have to wait a year to be married in the temple, I'm not sure why but it happens a bit in Utah.  I'm ok with all these cases, but then I think religious marriage is important separately from legal marriage. 
Posted by KatyRoseM[/QUOTE]

But you don't need a poufy white dress and 8 BMs to have a convalidtion in the Catholic Church.

Liberty27

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-weddings-vow-renewal-pretty-princess-day?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:af8e0dde-56a9-40d1-b408-f7ec24891cc5Post:4a99725a-44c1-41aa-9373-8403e99abd60">Re: 2nd Weddings/ Vow Renewal/ Pretty Princess Day</a>:
[QUOTE]My brother and SIL did the whole JOP and then ceremony two months later. Their justification would totally not fly with peeps on here, but they're my family and I love them, so I don't judge them for it. I've known other people to do the whole two wedding thing and I didn't understand it as much. However, I wasn't invited to their wedding so I didn't really care. I guess if I were invited to a second wedding and expected to bring a big gift I might care more. There are just a lot more things going on in my life that I could probably use my energy on than worrying about what other people do with their own time and money. If any of my friends want to do a second wedding and don't expect a gift, I say whatever floats their boat. I'll be there with a smile on my face and a hug for them afterwards. Just don't make me sit through a long boring ceremony. However, the situations Squirrly was talking about would make me want to cut a bitch. Totally not cool. I don't care who gets married and how they do it as long as they WANT to be married to each other for the rest of their life and have no ulterior motives. I will add that I've never understood vow renewals as well, no matter how long you've been married. I totally get the parties, but I feel like the whole vow renewal part could be done in the privacy of your own home between the two of you and you don't need everyone and their brother watching to justify what you're saying.
Posted by Birdie1483[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>if you don't care SO MUCH about what other people think/do- why are you on a form for people's opinions?</div>

KatyRoseM

No, you don't need a pretty dress to get married in a catholic church, however being married religiously is a big deal to some people.  If it is a huge deal to them, that now their union is under god or in the case of LDS it is now eternal, I have no problem with them celebrating that. 

I understand why others do, I just don't agree.

PharmacyBride

I would only go through the hoopla for a really close friend.. but only because to not would hurt the friendship.. and I value the friendship way more than any of the nonsense of wedding stuff.  (I would just send a congrats card and check to the married couple and decline any invite if I wasn't close to them.)

I feel bad for her.  She scheduled a DW and her mom refused to go.  So she cancelled it... started to regret it... and since they are still going on vacation.. decided wedding is back on without any friends/family there (too soon for us to book our tickets).  The second wedding will be 1 yr later and will have the entire ceremony and traditional reception.

I understand they dated for 5 years.. I understand she wants to get married now and have the financial benefits of being married.. but part of me wants to tell her to make a decision and stick with all the positives/consequences of that decision.

Since she is an amazing friend, since she has done so much for my wedding, and since her 1 yr anniversary wedding isn't the worst thing she could do, I will be supportive and treat the day however she decides to define it... BM dress, cake, first dance and all!

Celles

We submitted our application for Jef's K-1 fiancée visa last week.  We tried to time it so that our February 5th wedding date falls within the 90 day window allotted by the visa -- but with processing times ranging from five months to four years, it's a stab in the dark.

If his visa arrives in time for our wedding date: fantastic!  If it arrives too early (which it won't, since even the fastest turnaround has it here in late December), we'll JOP it within the 90 days permitted and have our ceremony as planned.  If it arrives too late, then we'll make the ceremony... well, ceremonial!... and sign papers at the courthouse whenever the visa does arrive. 

I know this is an Unpopular Opinion 'round here, but I guess I don't see anything wrong with separating the civil and ceremonial components of a wedding.  I also recognize that a wedding isn't just for the bride and groom; ours is at least as much for our parents as it is for us!  I know there would be tears on both sides if we JOP'd and then didn't have a ceremony when circumstances (and immigration status) allowed it.   

Birdie1483

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-weddings-vow-renewal-pretty-princess-day?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:af8e0dde-56a9-40d1-b408-f7ec24891cc5Post:a6dd282d-8e6d-48a3-bbf4-449d87347286">Re: 2nd Weddings/ Vow Renewal/ Pretty Princess Day</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 2nd Weddings/ Vow Renewal/ Pretty Princess Day : if you don't care SO MUCH about what other people think/do- why are you on a form for people's opinions?
Posted by Liberty27[/QUOTE]


Are you confused? I wasn't the person asking for an opinion, YOU were. I was just stating my own personal thought. You know, what you asked for in your OP.

If you're asking why I'm on TK to begin with, it's because it gives me something to do to kill time. I really don't give two shits what you think about me. And there is a difference in caring what other people think/care about yourself and thinking/caring about what other people do.

Is there a reason for your anger towards other people?

Calypso1977

i am a huge supporter of the military, and even then i dont think deployment is a reason.

i think back to WW1 and WW2 when couples got married quickly as someone was shipping off.  those folks never came home adn had a big do-over.  they all considered teh marriage before deployment to be their wedding day.  it was what it was. 

so, i dont think a do-over is ever appropriate or necessary. 

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2nd-weddings-vow-renewal-pretty-princess-day?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:af8e0dde-56a9-40d1-b408-f7ec24891cc5Post:a6dd282d-8e6d-48a3-bbf4-449d87347286">Re: 2nd Weddings/ Vow Renewal/ Pretty Princess Day</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: 2nd Weddings/ Vow Renewal/ Pretty Princess Day : if you don't care SO MUCH about what other people think/do- why are you on a form for people's opinions?
Posted by Liberty27[/QUOTE]

I feel like if you're asking an open quesiton as you did, then you shouldn't react negatively to the plethora of opinions you will undoubtedly receive. If you already have an opinion about this, then I don't know why you started the thread in the first place.