Our Privacy vs. FB!

annakb8

If you want to make some big moral and philosophical point about how the internet is affecting our relationships with eachother as human beings and changing the fabric of society as we know it, fine. But I don't think your wedding is the most appropriate time for this.

buffy03302010

Sorry you took as having a “horrible attitude”. But honestly, if I concerned myself with everything thing that someone may or may not like or what they will and will not say, especially on my wedding day... lets face it; I would be a basket case.

AdeleDazeem

I seriously am unable to grasp the concept of "It's our day.  We paid for it.  You put up with whatever weird lifestyle hangups we have because we are hosting this shindig!!!  If we don't like food, then you will have NONE!"  It's aggravating and, quite frankly, selfishly rude.

You invited other people to your wedding.  These other people will take pictures of you, show them around to their friends and family.  That is life, unfortunately.  Of course, if your friends know you well, they will understand that you don't want your pictures on Facebook and will oblige.  But can you control each and every person you pass on your wedding day?  NO.  Can you control each of your friend's digital cameras and ensure they only share pictures with people you know and approve?  NO.

All you can do is keep an eye out on Facebook.  If you see pictures you don't want up of yourself, politely ask for them to be taken down by your friends.  It's. not. that. hard.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_privacy-vs-fb?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b4780140-5d8a-470e-b0bf-8ba074775d22Post:5aea91d1-63bd-4409-9031-1a6570a461d5">Re: Our Privacy vs. FB!</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry you took as having a “horrible attitude”. But honestly, if I concerned myself with everything thing that someone may or may not like or what they will and will not say, especially on my wedding day... lets face it; I would be a basket case.
Posted by buffy03302010[/QUOTE]

There's a huge difference between trying to accomodate every little request for each guest and just being a good host.

I agree with Dani's earlier comment that I think you can request, but you can't enforce it. Are guests even allowed to take pictures during the ceremony? Some venues don't allow that around here.

akhensley81

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_privacy-vs-fb?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b4780140-5d8a-470e-b0bf-8ba074775d22Post:5aea91d1-63bd-4409-9031-1a6570a461d5">Re: Our Privacy vs. FB!</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry you took as having a “horrible attitude”. But honestly, if I concerned myself with everything thing that someone may or may not like or what they will and will not say, especially on my wedding day... lets face it; I would be a basket case.
Posted by buffy03302010[/QUOTE]

If you really don't care that much, why did you bother coming here to ask us about it?

TatiMarie

 I think the way OP is wording this is coming off a little over-the-top.  I would never ask/tell people that they shouldn't/can't post pictures from my wedding on Facebook. 

However, I will say that, I somewhat understand the request, but only because I know people like that IRL.  I've been told by people "please don't put that on FB" even when it's a good/appropriate picture.  It's all from people who don't have Facebook, too, but know we have some mutual friends and don't want people finding any information on them.

emilyinchile

I was going to respond to your question about whether you no longer have a right to privacy by saying that yes, you have RIGHT to privacy, but as FB/internet in general become more and more common, people will think you are stranger and stranger for demanding that right. That doesn't necessarily make them correct, but while a friend would have every right to ask that I not post pictures of her wedding online, I would think she was being weird - especially since I'm sure that someone, somewhere, has already posted pictures of you online.

Then I read this:

[QUOTE]Oh, one more thing I forgot to mention,we are not the type of people who would ever concern themselves with offending others with our request. As far as we are concerned, it's our day that we paid for. I'm sure there will be plenty of things that our guests will have an opion about, what's one more?
Posted by buffy03302010[/QUOTE]

Seriously, between the privacy and that attitude, just don't invite anyone. Once you invite people to your party, you and your FI are hosts. Act accordingly. That means trying your hardest not to offend other people, not telling them to go screw themselves if they dare think your request is ridiculous - which, for the record, I do. There is a difference between not letting your guests dictate your cake flavors and saying "we can be as offensive as we want because we're paying."

redheadfsu

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_privacy-vs-fb?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b4780140-5d8a-470e-b0bf-8ba074775d22Post:5aea91d1-63bd-4409-9031-1a6570a461d5">Re: Our Privacy vs. FB!</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry you took as having a “horrible attitude”. But honestly, if I concerned myself with everything thing that someone may or may not like or what they will and will not say, especially on my wedding day... lets face it; I would be a basket case.
Posted by buffy03302010[/QUOTE]

It may be "your day". But, if you are not going to give a damn about your friends' feelings, why would they care about yours? Plus if you offend people, will they want to remain your friends?

opalsky007

If you're not concerned with offending people, why on earth did you ask this on an etiquette board? That's kind of what etiquette is for--making sure you don't offend people.

strlzfan11

So taking the assumption based on some of your posts that you don't have a FB page, how many of your guests do actually have a FB page?  It's not necessarily a given that guests who take pictures will post them on FB.  I think maybe 5 people posted and tagged pictures on FB of the last wedding I attended.

buffy03302010

I think your comment might be making a slightly bigger deal out of my question. My post wasn't an attempt to make "some big moral and philosophical point", but simply to receive some other feedback about something that was on my mind as a bride. But thanks anyway for your feedback.

ricksang

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_privacy-vs-fb?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b4780140-5d8a-470e-b0bf-8ba074775d22Post:3e7abfea-08c5-4975-a5f9-9da0b5503bfe">Re: Our Privacy vs. FB!</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, one more thing I forgot to mention,we are not the type of people who would ever concern themselves with offending others with our request. As far as we are concerned, it's our day that we paid for. I'm sure there will be plenty of things that our guests will have an opion about, what's one more?
Posted by buffy03302010[/QUOTE]

I went from thinking you were odd to thinking you are a real butthole. What a jerkoff attitude.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_privacy-vs-fb?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b4780140-5d8a-470e-b0bf-8ba074775d22Post:3e7abfea-08c5-4975-a5f9-9da0b5503bfe">Re: Our Privacy vs. FB!</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, one more thing I forgot to mention,<strong>we are not the type of people who would ever concern themselves with offending others</strong> with our request. As far as we are concerned, it's our day that we paid for. I'm sure there will be plenty of things that our guests will have an opion about, what's one more?
Posted by buffy03302010[/QUOTE]

<div>If that's your attitude, you really shouldn't be inviting anyone to your wedding anyway.  If you don't care enough to avoid offending them, you don't care enough to share "your day" with them.</div><div>
</div><div>Bonus: with a private wedding, you avoid anyone taking any pictures, and you don't have to worry about your privacy.  </div>

garcias1

Look, the privacy issue is a big one.  It comes up when people like Miley Cyrus get high off their asses and then are all offended when someone posts their drug escapades for the world to see.  Usually the solution to these situations is as such:  If you don't want someone to document your stupidity, don't do anything stupid in the first place.  This is the society we live in, and you have no choice but to deal with it or sue someone for libel or slander, which usually makes you like a huge jerk and draws more attention to the situation.

I agree with PPs that you can ask, but don't expect much.  FB is part of some people's every day lives, even if it isn't a part of yours.  If you don't want to deal with it, then JOP it and be done with it.

megk8oz

I know a few people have suggested this, but I seriously want to know: why are you even having guests?

If you're really "so private" and truly don't care about offending people, just elope and don't tell anybody about it until afterwards. Then you can have all the privacy and lack of pictures your little heart desires and not feel the slightest bit of guilt over it.

buffy03302010

Lol. Again, thank you all for your feedback, some sensible, some a little inflated. Some comments were helpful and others I felt like I was being attacked, but I suppose that is what happens when you choose to communicate online… there is always a chance that your tone and what you say will be taken out of context. I would agree that I can not control the actions of others, but at the same time, if the request is made in a polite, respectful way, I would hope that no on would take offense to it. And for those who were a little confused, we don’t care if people take pictures at our wedding and post them on line, but just none of us, the couple. We would like to control those images. And I’m not quite sure I see the harm in that sentiment. And in response to a few of your questions, yes, probably 90% (if not more) of our guests have FB pages, the other 10% would include myself, the bride, our parents and others. I don’t feel strange or like a stranger to not have one, nor do I feel like I’m missing out or living in the dark ages, it’s just my choice as an individual. No biggy J

baystateapple

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_privacy-vs-fb?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b4780140-5d8a-470e-b0bf-8ba074775d22Post:a73a70ff-04f1-4341-876c-44060da8ae4a">Re: Our Privacy vs. FB!</a>:
[QUOTE]Lol. Again, thank you all for your feedback, some sensible, some a little inflated. Some comments were helpful and others I felt like I was being attacked, but I suppose that is what happens when you choose to communicate online… there is always a chance that your tone and what you say will be taken out of context. I would agree that I can not control the actions of others, but at the same time, if the request is made in a polite, respectful way, I would hope that no on would take offense to it. And for those who were a little confused, we don’t care if people take pictures at our wedding and post them on line, but just none of us, the couple. We would like to control those images. And I’m not quite sure I see the harm in that sentiment. And in response to a few of your questions, yes, probably 90% (if not more) of our guests have FB pages, the other 10% would include myself, the bride, our parents and others. I don’t feel strange or like a stranger to not have one, nor do I feel like I’m missing out or living in the dark ages, it’s just my choice as an individual. No biggy J
Posted by buffy03302010[/QUOTE]

You can't control if they post pictures of you.  And the majority of the pictures they post WILL be of YOU TWO.  You are the whole reason why they are there.  Nobody wants to see pictures of random people at the wedding, they want to see the bride and groom.  You are not going to be able to keep t hem from posting them.  You can request all you want, but expect to see plenty of pictures when you log on after the wedding.

And sheesh, if you don't care what your guests think, then just...don't have guests.  Just get married on your own, no witnesses, and then you don't have to worry about pictures on FB or offending everyone.

Oh wait, you don't worry about offending everyone.  My bad.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_privacy-vs-fb?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b4780140-5d8a-470e-b0bf-8ba074775d22Post:a73a70ff-04f1-4341-876c-44060da8ae4a">Re: Our Privacy vs. FB!</a>:
[QUOTE]Lol. Again, thank you all for your feedback, some sensible, some a little inflated. Some comments were helpful and others I felt like I was being attacked, but <strong>I suppose that is what happens when you choose to communicate online… there is always a chance that your tone and what you say will be taken out of context.</strong> I would agree that I can not control the actions of others, but at the same time, if the request is made in a polite, respectful way, I would hope that no on would take offense to it. And for those who were a little confused, we don’t care if people take pictures at our wedding and post them on line, but just none of us, the couple. We would like to control those images. And I’m not quite sure I see the harm in that sentiment. And in response to a few of your questions, yes, probably 90% (if not more) of our guests have FB pages, the other 10% would include myself, the bride, our parents and others. I don’t feel strange or like a stranger to not have one, nor do I feel like I’m missing out or living in the dark ages, it’s just my choice as an individual. No biggy J
Posted by buffy03302010[/QUOTE]

Yeah sure, THAT was the problem. We all totally misunderstood your comment that you don't care about offending your guests. Couldn't possibly be that you are actually just indifferent to whether you do something rude.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

My friend was a BM in her brother's fake wedding yesterday and she had a picture of her (in BM dress), the bride (in her dress) and her mom (with her hair done) on FB before the reception even started.

Look, I totally understand the whole online privacy issue. For example, I probably won't post pictures of my children online. I'm assuming you don't have a FB account?

Why don't you make photoshare cards? You create a private photo site and the guests can upload pictures there, so all your candid wedding pics are together. You can put a line at the bottom that says, "We ask that you refrain from posting pictures to facebook or other social media sites."

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_privacy-vs-fb?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b4780140-5d8a-470e-b0bf-8ba074775d22Post:a73a70ff-04f1-4341-876c-44060da8ae4a">Re: Our Privacy vs. FB!</a>:
[QUOTE]Lol. Again, thank you all for your feedback, some sensible, some a little inflated. Some comments were helpful and others I felt like I was being attacked, but I suppose that is what happens when you choose to communicate online… there is always a chance that your tone and what you say will be taken out of context. I would agree that I can not control the actions of others, but at the same time, if the request is made in a polite, respectful way, I would hope that no on would take offense to it. And for those who were a little confused, we don’t care if people take pictures at our wedding and post them on line, but just none of us, the couple. <strong>We would like to control those images. And I’m not quite sure I see the harm in that sentiment.</strong>And in response to a few of your questions, yes, probably 90% (if not more) of our guests have FB pages, the other 10% would include myself, the bride, our parents and others. I don’t feel strange or like a stranger to not have one, nor do I feel like I’m missing out or living in the dark ages, it’s just my choice as an individual. No biggy J
Posted by buffy03302010[/QUOTE]

Because if somebody else takes them on their camera, they are not <strong>your</strong> pictures to control-they belong to whomever takes them. You may be in them, but they are not your actual property to do what you want with.

kikibaby

Hmm... I don't think I've ever said this here before, but- I feel sorry for your family and friends. 

sarah0725

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_privacy-vs-fb?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b4780140-5d8a-470e-b0bf-8ba074775d22Post:b339282c-2808-464d-b9af-5a34994f1f2d">Re: Our Privacy vs. FB!</a>:
[QUOTE]My friend was a BM in her brother's fake wedding yesterday and she had a picture of her (in BM dress), the bride (in her dress) and her mom (with her hair done) on FB before the reception even started. Look, I totally understand the whole online privacy issue. For example, I probably won't post pictures of my children online. I'm assuming you don't have a FB account? Why don't you make photoshare cards? You create a private photo site and the guests can upload pictures there, so all your candid wedding pics are together. You can put a line at the bottom that says, "We ask that you refrain from posting pictures to facebook or other social media sites."
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

I think Mery's suggestion is probably the least rude way to do this.

I can kind of understand where you're coming from, I guess. My mom is super paranoid about anything Facebook-related, even though she has a Facebook account, so if I put up pictures that have her in them, I don't tag her. I think it's a little odd to be so controlling about nice photos of oneself, but I realize I don't have the hangups that some other people have.

I also don't tend to put pictures of other people up on my Facebook page unless they have Facebook themselves, because what's the point of putting up a picture of somebody if they're not going to see it? If I went to a wedding where the bride and groom were not on FB, I might post one picture of FI and me gussied up, but that would be about it. So some of your guests may feel the same way.

But no matter what, and here's where all the other ladies here are correct, <strong>you have no control over what your guests do</strong>. You can make the request, but since you don't even have a FB page to check their pictures, you won't even know whether they post them. And because they took the pictures, they have a legal right to do whatever they want with them, and so you can't pursue them legally either. I think you might be best off accepting the fact that no matter what you say, you have no control over whether pictures leak or not.

red1115

I'm going out on a limb in Buffy's defense here...We asked our guests not to post pictures of other guests and any children who were attendance to FB.  If they wanted to post pictures of us (Bride & Groom) great - but to ask permission before posting anything publicly available.  Every single one of our guests totally understood our reasons and everyone has complyed without hesitation.  When interviewing photograpghers, we insisted (and got) confidentiality agreements and full ownership of our images from the photogragher - those who weren't willing didn't get our business.  Yes, we paid waaay more for a photogragher who was willing to work with us, but we truely feel it was worth every penny.

For those who wonder why we would be concerned -Many of our guests work in sensitive Law Enforcement positions and protecting thier identiites and relations/friendships to others in attendance was a *major* concern for us.  Thankfully we have a great group of people who understand that privacy (even in a world of Facebook) is a choice and respect us (and those in attendance) enough to protect identities. As for posting pictures of other people's children...well if you don't ask permission, I personally think you're just rude and a little creepy.  As parents I believe you have not only a right but a moral responsibility to protect your child and their image in reality and cyberspace. Hypervigilent parenting is actually a good thing, IMO.

So Buffy, if you'd like to ask your guests not to post anything publicly (or to have vendors sign confidentiality agreements) I see nothing wrong with the request.  Just keep in mind that if you have people you know will activily go against your wishes, (or "forget") you may wish to rethink your guest list.

Anyway, good luck!

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_privacy-vs-fb?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b4780140-5d8a-470e-b0bf-8ba074775d22Post:a73a70ff-04f1-4341-876c-44060da8ae4a">Re: Our Privacy vs. FB!</a>:
[QUOTE]Lol. Again, thank you all for your feedback, some sensible, some a little inflated. Some comments were helpful and others I felt like I was being attacked, but I suppose that is what happens when you choose to communicate online… there is always a chance that your tone and what you say will be taken out of context. I would agree that I can not control the actions of others, but at the same time, if the request is made in a polite, respectful way, I would hope that no on would take offense to it. <strong>And for those who were a little confused, we don’t care if people take pictures at our wedding and post them on line, but just none of us, the couple. We would like to control those images.</strong> And I’m not quite sure I see the harm in that sentiment. And in response to a few of your questions, yes, probably 90% (if not more) of our guests have FB pages, the other 10% would include myself, the bride, our parents and others. I don’t feel strange or like a stranger to not have one, nor do I feel like I’m missing out or living in the dark ages, it’s just my choice as an individual. No biggy J
Posted by buffy03302010[/QUOTE]

They aren't your photos to control. If you want to do this in the most respectful way possible, use Mery's idea of the photo sharing site with the phrase on the bottom about not posting on FB. But again, that's all you can do. Or after every single picture of you is snapped by a guest you can make sure to say, "Now make sure that photo doesn't end up on FB." (Don't do that though).

I get the privacy thing. I understand, but you cannot control what people post online. You can only ask that they don't do it and hope for the best.

(I feel like there was a similar post with this exact same question a couple of months ago).

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_privacy-vs-fb?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b4780140-5d8a-470e-b0bf-8ba074775d22Post:b339282c-2808-464d-b9af-5a34994f1f2d">Re: Our Privacy vs. FB!</a>:
[QUOTE]Why don't you make photoshare cards? You create a private photo site and the guests can upload pictures there, so all your candid wedding pics are together. You can put a line at the bottom that says, "We ask that you refrain from posting pictures to facebook or other social media sites."
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

<div>We made photoshare cards.  </div><div>
</div><div>Everyone just put everything on FB instead anyway.  </div>

squirrly

When you leave your house and enter the public, people have a right to photograph you.  They don't have a right to use that photograph for monetary gain, but aside from that, they own the picture and can do with it what you wish. 

You can ask that people not take photos aside from the professional ones.  But they will anyway.

You can ask that they not post the photos they do take.  But they will anyway.

You MIGHT want to reconsider this position, though.  A photo of you without your name connected to it is highly unlikely to be harmful to you in any way.  It doesn't violate your privacy - you had a wedding in public and people were there.  If you want a truly private life, you need to take yourself out of the public.  Period.  Become a recluse. 

You might want to take note, as well - everyone who has responded has been in agreement on the subject matter of your question.  It might be time to just suck it up, paint a smile on, and deal.

Lastly - Opal took the words right out of my mouth.  If you don't care about offending your guests, why on earth did you ask this question on an etiquette board? 

heather011

I'm with PPs who asked why you're even having guests?  Or is this just a FB morality issue?  Would you have a problem if people took pictures of you at your wedding, got the pictures printed, and then showed them to all their friends/coworkers/whatever or displayed them in their home?  Because that's no different from FB.  

And honestly, you can ask as much as you want, but the only way that you could guarantee that no one would post any pictures online is to confiscate their cameras and cellphones for the duration of the wedding so no one could take any pictures - which I guess you could do since you don't care about offending anyone.

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_privacy-vs-fb?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b4780140-5d8a-470e-b0bf-8ba074775d22Post:b339282c-2808-464d-b9af-5a34994f1f2d">Re: Our Privacy vs. FB!</a>:
[QUOTE]Why don't you make photoshare cards? You create a private photo site and the guests can upload pictures there, so all your candid wedding pics are together. You can put a line at the bottom that says, "We ask that you refrain from posting pictures to facebook or other social media sites."
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

I think this is the best way to go about it, however, just know that inevitably some pictures of you WILL end up on FB no matter what.  In this day and age, it's just a fact of life.

Beachy730

I love that you said it was presumptuous to assume you have a FB page.  Seriously, my grandma has a FB page, so I just assume everyone does.  Except my H because he just gets annoyed at all the emails and notifications he gets so he deleted it.

Also, you said yourself that tone and attitude don't convey when written (although I'm pretty sure yours do).  So how dp you think it will come across when you write down that you don't want anyone posting pictures of you on FB?  I would think it would sound awfully controlling.  Also, I would probably start the conversation at my table of possible reasons you don't want them posted.  My first guess would be that one of you have a secret family you're hiding from the other and don't want to the world to find out.

As others said, I had people posting pics on FB all throughout the day.  When I logged on the next day to look for pics, I found tons, and some you could tell were posted instantly, like one of me walking down the aisle.  So even if you were to make this request at the reception there's a good chance there are already pics posted.

emilyinchile

I have a question: are people never allowed to post pictures of you on FB? I mean at any get-together with friends, do you ask that they not put pictures of you online? Or is this just for your wedding?

If it's the former, then people are probably used to it by now and know.

If it's the latter, I just do not get it. You guys aren't superheros whose secret identities are in danger of being revealed. You're just you in fancy clothes on a day when you'll probably look happier and prettier than usual. If there are already pictures of you online, I don't see why happy/pretty pictures are bad.