Wedding Etiquette Forum

Advice Needed (really long)

Yesterday was literally a day from hell for me. I left work early so that I could take FI to the doctor to get his staples out. I get home and he's not there, neither is his old hot rod. FI doesn't have a license and there should have been no reason for him to take that car out. It's a loud police magnet, basically. That's just asking to get pulled over and arrested.

I call him to see where he is and he's very short with me, telling me he's right down the street looking at a car and then he hangs up on me. I call him back; he doesn't answer. I let a few minutes pass before I call him again. He answers and I ask him exactly where he's at. He tells me a street name and hangs up. I'm pretty pissed off by this point. I figure that I'll sit down and try to calm down before I try calling him again.

I try calling about an hour before his doctor's appointment and I don't get an answer. I text him saying "you are aware that you have a doctor's appointment at 3 right?" No reply. I'm pretty upset at this point, given that it's been an hour and he's blatantly ignoring my phone calls. I called his mom to see if she could try get in touch with him (was I wrong to do that? Maybe, but I figured he was just ignoring me and he might answer for her). Well, he didn't answer her call either.

At 3, I call him again. No answer. I call the doctor's office at 3:15, hoping that he was smart enough to go to the appointment and not blow it off compeltely. He never showed for the appointment. He finally calls me at 4:30. When I ask him where he is, he tells me he's broken down at this intersection. I ask him what he's been doing this entire time. His response? "Nothing." When I questioned him further, he hung up on me. I tried calling him back and he continued to ignore my calls. Since he said he was broken down and gave me the intersection, I drove out there and, lo and behold, he was not anywhere around that intersection.

He calls me and I ask him where he is. He finally tells me, so I head over there to see what he's doing. Sure enough, the car is broken down. And he's with this really shady looking guy. I pull FI aside and I ask him what he's been doing all day. He just says he was "hanging out". I didn't want to argue in front of shady dude, so I just walked away.

We get the car towed to FMIL's house and drop shady guy off at his house. On the way home, FI asks why I'm so upset. I told him that he chose to do something very stupid today by driving (and drinking to boot). I also told him that the fact that he was ignoring my phone calls doesn't sit very well with me. He got all defensive. I was like "I know for a fact that if I went out, didn't tell you where I was and ignored your phone calls for hours, you'd be mad as hell and you'd have a hard time forgiving me for it." He agreed with that but still was adamant that he did nothing wrong.

Today, he called me at work to tell me that he was looking for a ride so he could go fix the car. I was like "I think you really should wait until I get home". He asked why I was trying to control him. I told him that after the stunt he pulled yesterday, I had a hard time trusting that he really was just going to his mom's house. He got angry with me and started yelling at me.

I just honestly don't know what to do right now. I feel so sick about the way he acted yesterday. I get that he's bored at home since he isn't released to go back to work yet, but to drive around without a license and do it while you've been drinking is just ridiculous. And then the fact that he ignored me and he still hasn't come clean with me about what he was doing yesterday. I'm just so hurt.
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Re: Advice Needed (really long)

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-really-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5d497c9-2947-4418-b7a0-c279565929fePost:0c0325d9-d010-4c0d-99e2-d9f4f0105d19">Advice Needed (really long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yesterday was literally a day from hell for me. I left work early so that I could take FI to the doctor to get his staples out. I get home and he's not there, neither is his old hot rod. FI doesn't have a license and there should have been no reason for him to take that car out. It's a loud, bright red police magnet, basically. That's just asking to get pulled over and arrested. I call him to see where he is and he's very short with me, telling me he's right down the street looking at a car and then he hangs up on me. I call him back; he doesn't answer. I let a few minutes pass before I call him again. He answers and I ask him exactly where he's at. He tells me a street name and hangs up. I'm pretty pissed off by this point. I figure that I'll sit down and try to calm down before I try calling him again. I try calling about an hour before his doctor's appointment and I don't get an answer. I text him saying "you are aware that you have a doctor's appointment at 3 right?" No reply. I'm pretty upset at this point, given that it's been an hour and he's blatantly ignoring my phone calls. I called his mom to see if she could try get in touch with him (was I wrong to do that? Maybe, but I figured he was just ignoring me and he might answer for her). Well, he didn't answer her call either. At 3, I call him again. No answer. I call the doctor's office at 3:15, hoping that he was smart enough to go to the appointment and not blow it off compeltely. He never showed for the appointment. He finally calls me at 4:30. When I ask him where he is, he tells me he's broken down at this intersection. I ask him what he's been doing this entire time. His response? "Nothing." When I questioned him further, he hung up on me. I tried calling him back and he continued to ignore my calls. Since he said he was broken down and gave me the intersection, I drove out there and, lo and behold, he was not anywhere around that intersection. He calls me and I ask him where he is. He finally tells me, so I head over there to see what he's doing. Sure enough, the car is broken down. And he's with this really shady looking guy. I pull FI aside and I ask him what he's been doing all day. He just says he was "hanging out". I didn't want to argue in front of shady dude, so I just walked away. We get the car towed to FMIL's house and drop shady guy off at his house. On the way home, FI asks why I'm so upset. I told him that he chose to do something very stupid today by driving (and drinking to boot). I also told him that the fact that he was ignoring my phone calls doesn't sit very well with me. He got all defensive. I was like "I know for a fact that if I went out, didn't tell you where I was and ignored your phone calls for hours, you'd be mad as hell and you'd have a hard time forgiving me for it." He agreed with that but still was adamant that he did nothing wrong. Today, he called me at work to tell me that he was looking for a ride so he could go fix the car. I was like "I think you really should wait until I get home". He asked why I was trying to control him. I told him that after the stunt he pulled yesterday, I had a hard time trusting that he really was just going to his mom's house. He got angry with me and started yelling at me. I just honestly don't know what to do right now. I feel so sick about the way he acted yesterday. I get that he's bored at home since he isn't released to go back to work yet, but to drive around without a license and do it while you've been drinking is just ridiculous. And then the fact that he ignored me and he still hasn't come clean with me about what he was doing yesterday. I'm just so hurt.
    Posted by quinn20[/QUOTE]
    Um, this all sounds very odd and like a huge problem. you two definitely need to have a big talk. This would not be okay in my book.
  • Run away - I see at least 10 red flags in your post.
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  • I'm sorry, but that all sounds really shady to me. 
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  • Also are you new here or posting under an AE?
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  • This may be way off of base but because of the shady guy, is it possible that some kind of drug was involved?
  • There are a lot of things in this post that disturb me. The drinking/driving, for one... that is deeply concerning. Is there a previous history of this which is why he does not have a license?

    I think his lying, irresponsibility and evasiveness are also things you really need to think about. Was this a one time thing, really? Or is this part of a behavioral norm for him?

    His behavior reminds me of a friend's husband- he ended up having problems with drug (prescribed to him) and alcohol, and he was arrested and lost his license for 5 years. He's now clean and sober, but they went through hell. She was great, and basically told him she'd stand by him, but only if he got his sh1t together and cleaned up... and he did.

    I have no idea what your real situation is, but I think you need to think long and hard about what your future looks like with this man, what it REALLY looks like, and then have a talk with him. Good luck.
  • His actions are pretty ridiculous, I'm not sure why you wouldn't want him to go to his moms house to get the car fixed w/o you.  Did you have some trust issues prior to this? 

    I completely understand your anger and frustration from yesterday, but between his anger at you (which to me is guilt) and your wanting to tell him what to do and when today........it just seems like there is a history beyond yesterday.

    Obviously your an AE - so what's the back story?  Why doesn't he have his license?  idk.  Sounds like some issues floating around. 
  • I don't know your situation well enough to give you detailed advice, but there are definitely tons of red flags there for me too.

    Personally, if my FI were to do this for me, I would pack my bags and go stay at a friends house for a few nights.  Me, to cool off, and him, to sit and think about what he did. 

    I think though that it's time that you really need to look at your entire relationship and ask yourself some hard questions. 
  • Sounds like drugs to me. You need to have a long talk...or just run, run fast.

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  • I'm suspicious of big, drama filled first posts with a join date of yesterday.

    Assuming that you are real, however, I'd seriously reconsider whether this is a person you want to legally bind yourself to. Your bio says your wedding date isn't till end of 2011, so you've got plenty of time to call it off. Honestly, from what you just described (even with missing details like why he doesn't have a license and how he got to be in a position to need staples, which I realize aren't necessary to the story, but might speak some more about what kind of dude this is), I'd probably not be in the relationship any more. I hate to be all drastic and stuff, but this dude just doesn't sound good. 
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    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
  • I'm posting under an AE, Dani.

    I know FI had problems in the past with drugs (like 7 years ago). I believe shady guy was involved with drugs with FI at that time as well.

    This has happened once before (the whole ignoring phone calls thing). FI had taken my truck out to go snowmobiling (I was out with my sister when he took it). He had called me after about 5 hours to tell me he was on his way home. He finally showed up 7 hours later, completely obilterated.
  • How old are you and your FI? This all sounds like Drama City.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-really-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5d497c9-2947-4418-b7a0-c279565929fePost:4ce96518-f0d2-4fe1-b930-8f84cf2c4b2d">Re: Advice Needed (really long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm posting under an AE, Dani. I know FI had problems in the past with drugs (like 7 years ago). I believe shady guy was involved with drugs with FI at that time as well. This has happened once before (the whole ignoring phone calls thing). FI had taken my truck out to go snowmobiling (I was out with my sister when he took it). He had called me after about 5 hours to tell me he was on his way home. He finally showed up 7 hours later, completely obilterated.
    Posted by quinn20[/QUOTE]

    Okay,  yeah, I'm really sorry to say but it sounds like he's involved with drugs again.  Just based on his history, especially knowing it was with that particular guy that you saw him with yesterday, and then avoiding your calls and missing his appointment and giving you the wrong location of where he was - I think you already know the answer here.  You and he need to have a serious talk.   You just need to get him when you know he'll talk and not avoid you.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-really-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5d497c9-2947-4418-b7a0-c279565929fePost:4ce96518-f0d2-4fe1-b930-8f84cf2c4b2d">Re: Advice Needed (really long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm posting under an AE, Dani. I know FI had problems in the past with drugs (like 7 years ago). I believe shady guy was involved with drugs with FI at that time as well. This has happened once before (the whole ignoring phone calls thing). FI had taken my truck out to go snowmobiling (I was out with my sister when he took it). He had called me after about 5 hours to tell me he was on his way home. He finally showed up 7 hours later, completely obilterated.
    Posted by quinn20[/QUOTE]

    Honestly, life is too short to waste your love on someone who is not capable of loving himself. Please consider that you are whole enough to A) be alone, or B) wait till you meet someone who can fit the bill. I know that sounds harsh, but I've seen too many bad things & there is no need to go down that road.
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  • Also, he doesn't have a license because of a prior DUI. He can get it back now (he just has to take the evaluation and classes), but he hasn't.

    He just recently had surgery (the staples) and has been off work for going on the 2nd week now.
  • Why does your FI have staples?
  • He needs to 'fess up to whatever he's doing (which I'd assume is some drug) and get help for it. He needs to be a stable person before he can be part of a stable marriage.
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  • cenglecengle member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments
    Has anything like this ever happened before, or is this out of the blue?  If this is something new, then it sounds like something big is going on here.  If it's normal, then run, and run fast.  A very deep conversation needs to happen.
  • edited July 2010
    I'm going to go ahead and assume this isn't real for several reasons.

    1. Poster joined yesterday.
    2. New, legitimate posters don't usually come to the Etiquette board to just rant about a shady fiance. They'd post this on chit chat or somewhere else...
    3. The whole thing reeks of teenagers. Seems like a good story for an AE.

    ETA: There were only 4 responses when I typed this out. I see now OP said she's an AE.

    It still is extremely shady to me. I would never marry a man that purposely ignored my phone calls.
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  • Yeeeaaahhhh, I would probably recommend some kind of separation and a lot of discussion.  Probably some couples therapy and definitely not planning a wedding during that time.
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  • Sounds like he slips into bouts of wanting to be a single man with no responsibility........he also sounds like drinking is high on his priority list.  Those are not things I'd want to have to deal with as someone's counterpart and we weren't even married yet. 

    I would personally be very skeptical, especially because he isn't even allowing you to get angry with him.  MOst people if they knew the F*cked up, they'd be understandable and at least apologetic to the person they p*ssed off. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-really-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5d497c9-2947-4418-b7a0-c279565929fePost:c4347155-4cc1-4e6a-ac19-5c350a4cc16c">Re: Advice Needed (really long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm going to go ahead and assume this isn't real for several reasons. 1. Poster joined yesterday. 2. New, legitimate posters don't usually come to the Etiquette board to just rant about a shady fiance. They'd post this on chit chat or somewhere else... 3. The whole thing reeks of teenagers. Seems like a good story for an AE.
    Posted by pumpkinpumpkin[/QUOTE]
    She already said this was an AE.
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    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
  • Pumpkin, she already acknowledged she's posting under an AE.  I'm guessing she doesn't want this aired under regular name.

    quinn - is he on pain pills for his injury?  Could he be addicted and was trying to get more from that guy you saw him with?
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  • stupid question, but what the heck is an AE?  I tried googling it, couldn't find it..
  • P2 - she already said she was using an AE

    OP - I think you need to take a serious look at whether you want this man to be your husband.  It doesn't sound like he's capable of being a good partner.
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  • I vote for a serious talk, too. But don't just spring it on him - like "hey honey let's talk now." He might feel cornered and go on the defense again. Obviously something is wrong. Let him know that you want to have a serious conversation about what happened yesterday, but you need some time to think first. I'd take day or two to calm down (maybe even go stay with a friend)... then come back and discuss this with him.

    **HUGS**
  • I'm 24 and FI is 29.


    The reason I didn't want him going to his mom's without me today is because the shady guy lives in that area. I don't know that I can trust FI to go to his mom's and not stop by to see that guy.

  • Yeah, none of this sounds good. If he can't answer your questions about where he was and why he was lying to you, you need to really consider separating yourself from him until he works it out, or until you realize that you need to move on. I would be pissed to the high heavens if I were you right now.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-really-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5d497c9-2947-4418-b7a0-c279565929fePost:f0a03455-5bff-44cf-a2d4-3faaaad40623">Re: Advice Needed (really long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]stupid question, but what the heck is an AE?  I tried googling it, couldn't find it..
    Posted by amysmomma[/QUOTE]

    Alter ego = someone who has a regular screen name but then posts under a different name
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  • Was he perscribed pain pills with his surgery?  Maybe shady friend caught wind of that and they popped a few pills together - and/or he sold him some. 
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