Advice Needed (really long)

noodle_oo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-really-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5d497c9-2947-4418-b7a0-c279565929fePost:8bcba8f4-469e-49c4-89c4-7005be8f1b22">Re: Advice Needed (really long)</a>:
[QUOTE]The doctor called in the refill for him right away when he ran out. So, I don't know. I think I'm going to call the EAP line offered through work and talk to someone.  I'm just at such a point with my self-esteem right now. If he had done this 2 years ago, when I was in a better place mentally, I don't think I would have even questioned leaving.<strong> The way he talks to me somedays just makes me feel like I'm worthless and I started to believe it. I don't know why, but I did.</strong>
Posted by quinn20[/QUOTE]

Aww, sweetheart!  That is not right.  If he makes you feel that way, you have to reconsider your relationship.  The person you choose to spend your life with should be the person who makes you feel loved no matter what, not someone who tears you down.  Combined with all the other issues, this sounds like a very bad situation for you.  Is there anyone you can talk to about this?  Your mom or best friend?  Maybe you can go stay with your parents to get away for a little bit and think about it?

twinkie757

This type of behavior and the degrading way he talks to you really bothers me. Don't hesitate to leave him. My brother has a drug problem....we started noticing something was wrong when he was lying all the time. Well he received treatment and explained that when it was bad enough for us to see the signs that  he was at the breaking point. He's constantly battling with his addiction and does horrible things to my family without blinking an eye. He once went off the handle & hit me with a car -So I'm just saying these type of people are good at lying and hiding things so if it's bad enough he can't do it anymore, run & run fast! No one here wants anything to happen to you because you wanted to help an addict change.

quinn20

Arbs, I went to Al-Anon for a couple years on the advice of my former therapist. My mom is an alcoholic.

Thanks for all the support. I really needed it to know that what I was feeling was right. I can't explain my thought process lately. But I know that it's not right. But reading what you all had to write definitely help clear my head a little.

I'm calling the EAP and talking to a counselor tonight. I'm also going to stay at my sister's tonight so I have time to get my head on straight. I'm not going to talk to FI tonight. Frankly, I don't think I have the strength to hold back and have a level-headed conversation with him.

FI's doctor has pretty much given him however much pain meds he needs because FI has nerve damage.

waltzingmatilda13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-really-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5d497c9-2947-4418-b7a0-c279565929fePost:78f84342-21cc-4535-8e5a-d1d77ecc519e">Re: Advice Needed (really long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Arbs, I went to Al-Anon for a couple years on the advice of my former therapist. My mom is an alcoholic. Thanks for all the support. I really needed it to know that what I was feeling was right. I can't explain my thought process lately. But I know that it's not right. But reading what you all had to write definitely help clear my head a little. I'm calling the EAP and talking to a counselor tonight. I'm also going to stay at my sister's tonight so I have time to get my head on straight. I'm not going to talk to FI tonight. Frankly, I don't think I have the strength to hold back and have a level-headed conversation with him. <strong>FI's doctor has pretty much given him however much pain meds he needs because FI has nerve damage.
</strong>Posted by quinn20[/QUOTE]

Then you should definitely try calling his doctor to alert them to a potential problem.

And good for you for taking a break and getting some help yourself. No one is worthless or deserves to be treated this way. I really hope everything works out for you in the end.

akhensley81

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-really-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5d497c9-2947-4418-b7a0-c279565929fePost:78f84342-21cc-4535-8e5a-d1d77ecc519e">Re: Advice Needed (really long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Arbs, I went to Al-Anon for a couple years on the advice of my former therapist. My mom is an alcoholic. Thanks for all the support. I really needed it to know that what I was feeling was right. I can't explain my thought process lately. But I know that it's not right. But reading what you all had to write definitely help clear my head a little. I'm calling the EAP and talking to a counselor tonight. I'm also going to stay at my sister's tonight so I have time to get my head on straight. I'm not going to talk to FI tonight. Frankly, I don't think I have the strength to hold back and have a level-headed conversation with him. <strong>FI's doctor has pretty much given him however much pain meds he needs because FI has nerve damage.
</strong>Posted by quinn20[/QUOTE]

Does the doctor know that he's had a history of drug abuse? Or have the nerve damage and drug addiction kind of gone hand-in-hand?

L-Bride

Unfortunately, it is easy to refill scripts since a lot of doctors give them out like candy. The medical field in general is the reason narcotics is such an epidemic in this country. It's also very easy to Doctor juggle, going from one Doc to the next seeking refills.
Anyways, I'm sorry you're going through this. You're a stronger person than I am because I have LOST IT if my FI did that to me- I mean reeeeally lost my temper. Especially with no remorse and then telling you he was doing "Nothing". That makes my blood boil just thinking about it.
Easier said than done but you need to think about leaving. This is unacceptable behavior. Remember that you are treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. Don't allow it one more minute.

quinn20

The doctor doesn't know about his past drug abuse. FI made an appointment to go back on Wednesday. Maybe I'll leave his doctor a message and let him know my concerns.

I'm leaving work now, but I'll be back on to check when I get to my sister's

AmoroAgain

I would absolutely call his doctor's office.  He hasn't been honest with the doc and he needs to know that.

zitiqueen

He sounds like a douche and you sound like a nag. Count how many times you called him before you went to find him. Do you really want a lifetime of being his mother?

AmoroAgain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-really-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5d497c9-2947-4418-b7a0-c279565929fePost:04326071-5966-49c6-b7de-16e2eef7dfbf">Re: Advice Needed (really long)</a>:
[QUOTE]He sounds like a douche and you sound like a nag. Count how many times you called him before you went to find him. Do you really want a lifetime of being his mother?
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

WTF?? 

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-really-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5d497c9-2947-4418-b7a0-c279565929fePost:04326071-5966-49c6-b7de-16e2eef7dfbf">Re: Advice Needed (really long)</a>:
[QUOTE]He sounds like a douche and you sound like a nag. Count how many times you called him before you went to find him. Do you really want a lifetime of being his mother?
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

That's a little harsh. While we can only see the OP's side of the story, when your SO is acting really weird like that, it's natural to be really concerned about what's going on when they're being evasive and if they have a "history" so to speak. Having an important doctor's appointment and appearing drunk and/or stoned does not help anything.

I agree that the OP should take it as a dose of what the relationship will turn into if he acts like this normally.

I Want Cake

Run as fast as you can away from this person.  You're young, seem to have your sh!t together, and deserve better than this man.  He ignores your calls, degrades you, and has alcohol and drug problems.  There isn't any way this isn't going to end badly, so it's best you get out before you're legally and financially tied to him.  You can do so much better.

Knittibell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-really-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5d497c9-2947-4418-b7a0-c279565929fePost:00d9bd98-c76d-4569-ab2f-29dc6d53943c">Re: Advice Needed (really long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm 24 and FI is 29. The reason I didn't want him going to his mom's without me today is because the shady guy lives in that area. I don't know that I can trust FI to go to his mom's and not stop by to see that guy.
Posted by quinn20[/QUOTE]

You're young. Get out now. Maybe your leaving will make him realize how serious his problems are, and that he needs to get some help and get his act together. Maybe it won't. Either way, you're not married yet (thank God), and unfortunately sometimes loving someone is NOT enough.

If you can't say- "I trust this man completely. I trust this man with my life"- then he is not the man you want to marry.

If my fi disappeared for 7 hours and wouldn't tell me where he was, I'd assume he had a good reason for it, and not bug him about it... because I know him, and I trust him.

I think you need to do some really serious thinking about how you want your life to turn out. The guy I was with when I was 21 sounds like your FI and I thought I loved him more than anything... and was devastated when it ended.

But sometimes you need to have these hard lessons in what you <em>don't</em> want, so that you're in a position to really appreciate how truly magnificent something is when the right man DOES come along. And it will, but you need to believe you're worth it, and be willing to fight for the future you deserve to have.

Hugs.

brilibby4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-really-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5d497c9-2947-4418-b7a0-c279565929fePost:04326071-5966-49c6-b7de-16e2eef7dfbf">Re: Advice Needed (really long)</a>:
[QUOTE]He sounds like a douche and you sound like a nag. Count how many times you called him before you went to find him. Do you really want a lifetime of being his mother?
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

Umm well ziti- you sound like a b*tch.  Anyone in OP's situation has EVERY right to "nag". 

OP- I am so sorry you are dealing with this.  You should not be preparing to marry a man you cannot trust to drive to his mother's house...and he has clearly lost any right to be trusted.  It definitely sounds like he was either buying drugs from or selling drugs to the sketchy guy.  The lying, ignoring phone calls, driving drunk without a license while medicated, and denying any wrong doings are all SERIOUS red flags.  Good luck and be strong, you definitely do not deserve this.

Knittibell

Yeah, you know, I keep coming back to your saying that he sometimes makes you feel worthless. AT THE WORST times in your relationship, he can make you feel aggrivated, annoyed, furious, worried, sad, stressed... but NO ONE should EVER make you feel worthless.

Also, I know for a fact that doctor's can't call in narcotics- it does have to be a written script for a C2 drug.

thesuninherhead

Please realise that you are worth more than this treatment and that staying will only take you further into this hole that you've been pulled in over the past few years. I understand it seems impossibly hard, but you need to get out. This isn't a healthy relationship. 

 

Best of luck. 

danieliza1127

I keep debating about saying this but I'm going to.  I think it's weird that everyone is like GET OUT NOW!!! I mean, if my FI or H had a drug problem and started acting like this, I would want to get him help. I would want to address the problem together, because that's what you do when you're a partnership. You don't just bail at the first sign of trouble. Like our close friends for example, a few years ago she almost totally ruined a visit of ours with them and after we left, she admitted to him that she was an alcoholic. She got into AA and now it's been 2 years and I have never seen them so happy. You work through that stuff together.

I just don't get the whole GET OUT NOW mentality. Deal with it now, yes, do something now, yes, but just leave him? WTF?

wadingmoose

I don't have a lot of advice to offer, but I think I agree with Dani.  I like to think that in my marriage, I would do what it took to help Herbert with whatever comes along rather than giving up and walking out at the first sign of trouble.

Whatever you do, Quinn, I do wish you the best of luck.  If I could, I'd give you a huge hug because this can't be easy at all to go through.

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-really-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5d497c9-2947-4418-b7a0-c279565929fePost:6183c60d-0183-4d1e-8207-704f57652380">Re: Advice Needed (really long)</a>:
[QUOTE] Whatever you do, Quinn, I do wish you the best of luck.  If I could, I'd give you a huge hug because this can't be easy at all to go through.
Posted by wadingmoose[/QUOTE]

Yeah, and that too.

LD1970

I have been handling divorce cases for 15 years.

I have been handling criminal defense cases for 15 years, and was a public defender.

I have been a domestic violence advocate for 21 years.

And I have a cousin who's an alcoholic and a coke addict, and has been since he was 16.  He's now 40.  He's been through rehab and halfway houses in several different states (in an attempt to get away from the "bad influences) countless times.  He still uses.

The things I've learned:

You cannot fix an addict.  No matter how much you'd love to get inside his head and tweak whatever needs tweaking to fix him, it won't work.  

Addicts are prone to relapse.  Not all do; there are success stories out there, and I applaud them.  But so, so many relapse, as your FI has on at least one occasion before and sounds like he is now.  Even before you posted the follow-ups, I thought "drugs."  It's textbook stuff.

Addicts can be wonderful people.  Incredibly nice.  My coke addict cousin is actually my favorite cousin.  Addicts can be great.  Until they need a fix.  Then they get ugly, deceitful, mean, nasty, and criminal.  They will steal from their loved ones.  They will have no shame in using their loved ones and anyone in their paths.  They will belittle and demean, they will lash out when you don't give them what they want.  They will make you cry.  A lot.

I disagree with the person who said you don't know your FI.  Oh, yes, you do.  You just don't want to see what you're seeing.  See it.  Recognize it, believe it, and act on it.  Protect yourself.

To those who've said "work on it" rather than "leave," I might agree if there hadn't been domestic violence here.  And yes, there has been, in the form, technically, of harassment.  If he's telling her she's worthless and she's believing it, he's breaking her down, destroying her.  And he's been doing it over time, which means doing it while SOBER, not just while drunk or using.  She needs to protect herself, and that means getting out.

wadingmoose

LD makes some good points too.  Domestic abuse is awful and should not be tolerated at all.

I'm just gonna scratch marriage counselor off my list of potential careers.

danieliza1127

I had actually forgotten about the making her feel worthless part when I made my post today.  Yeah that adds a different element to it for sure.  There's obviously a lot of history and back story here that we don't know about.

polichik

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_advice-needed-really-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b5d497c9-2947-4418-b7a0-c279565929fePost:242d5c28-d91c-436b-b042-f65a94ea14ea">Re: Advice Needed (really long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I keep debating about saying this but I'm going to.  I think it's weird that everyone is like GET OUT NOW!!! I mean, if my FI or H had a drug problem and started acting like this, I would want to get him help. I would want to address the problem together, because that's what you do when you're a partnership. You don't just bail at the first sign of trouble. Like our close friends for example, a few years ago she almost totally ruined a visit of ours with them and after we left, she admitted to him that she was an alcoholic. She got into AA and now it's been 2 years and I have never seen them so happy. You work through that stuff together. I just don't get the whole GET OUT NOW mentality. Deal with it now, yes, do something now, yes, but just leave him? WTF?
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]

It sounds like there's a lot, lot more than a drug problem going on. There's also verbal abuse. I think she needs to leave immediately and reconsider the relationship only if he's willing to go to counseling with her. It sounds like they're living together, and I don't want her in that unhealthy situation. I'm not saying she has to leave him for good, but I think she should remove herself from the situation for the time being. Things like this (drugs, prior convictions, anger issues) can explode and get very, very violent. Trust me, I've seen it.

catemeg

I'm a firm believer that you date to find the person you want to spend your life with.  Being in a relationship does not make you committed - you are still not fully committed until you are married.  I do not believe in cheating - if it isn't working, break up and move on.  But I don't believe that just because you've been in a relationship with this person that you have to deal with their sh*t.  If it's small potatoes, then you work through it together.  If it's big potatoes, you get out.  There's no reason to sign on for a lifetime of problems.  When you're dating someone, you can still be selfish.  You need to look out for yourself first and foremost, because if something ever happens to him or something happens to your relationship, you are the person you have to look at every day in the mirror.

Thus, these are red flags:

1) He didn't take your phone calls.  Repeatedly. Then got angry and defensive rather than apologizing.
2) You cannot trust him to visit his mother because it's nearby someone he used to do drugs with - you shouldn't have to babysit your significant other.
3) He missed a doctor's appointment, and you had taken the time off work to drive him.  He was inconsiderate of you and of the doctor's time.
4) He does not make you feel wonderful and beautiful.  The person you want to marry should be the person who makes you feel good about yourself and makes you a better person, not the one who you cling to because he's made you feel like you can't get anyone else.

What if I told you that there's a guaranteed way that in 6 months you'll be more confident and happier - would you do it?  What if I told you that there's one thing you can do to give yourself the right to have someone in your life who you can trust as an equal and a partner, rather than someone you have to take care of - does that sound interesting?

This guy is dragging you down - he's not going anywhere, and has a number of problems that only he can fix.  It's not up to you to get him to explain himself - it's up to him to prove to you that he's worth keeping in your life.  If he doesn't make you feel good about yourself, and makes your life more difficult, and you can't trust him, I'd say the best thing you can do for yourself is leave him.