Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference

inkfingers

I'm 19 years old and my husband-to-be is fifteen years older than me. We discovered our age difference after the tenth date and, since it didn't bother us, decided to continue to develop our relationship. Both our families are supportive (even my dad) and there is no question that we love eachother very much and that we'll have a wonderful, lasting marriage. 

Unfortunately, many people feel it's ok to make rude comments if they don't know us very well. Some call me "gold-digger" or call him "cradle-robber" or simply insult my youth, his age, or try to talk me out of the engagement! The comments don't bother me as much anymore, but I am always caught off guard by his/her rudeness. I don't know what to say to them because I don't want to respond unkindly. Does anyone know a polite way to respond?

aleighk1

Change the subject

"Sorry you feel that way about our age, gee, it's hot out here, isn't it?"

Queen Jane

Ditto PP. Unfortunately some people are just rude, try not to let it bother you. I usually find that people who are so quick to judge are probably unhappy in their own situation or insecure. Or just big effing douchecanoes.

crfische

Uh, no. I wouldn't say that people are douchecanoes, nor do they have to be unhappy to judge that. I mean, douchey to say something yes, but it's a pretty easy thing to judge. Especially since you are so young.

I mean, if that's the choice you're making and you're confident in it, then why let it bother you?

inkfingers

It doesn't bother me, I just need a way to respond in such a way that tells them that I don't appreciate their rude behavior, but is still polite on my part

crfische

If you were my friend, I'd be trying to talk you out of it, too, to be honest. So, I'm afraid I'm not much help.

CassieeK

Changing the subject sounds like a good idea.

GeauxTigers17

"Thanks for your concern" <change subject> usually works for me. 

ootmother2

I don't think that you're a gold digger or that he's a cradle robber.

I do think that you're both nuts.

19 $ 34?

sheesh

lyndausvi

Change the subject?

Honestly I  'judge' your relationship also.  It's not even the 15 year difference.   If you were 30 and he was 45 I wouldn't even think twice about it.  19 vs 34...yeah I kind of give a side-eye to. 

SparrowSong

You went on ten dates before you ever wondered what age each other was? I'm just honestly trying to remember when I was dating.... it seemed like that was usually date one or two material. "So where'd you go to school...? what year did you graduate...?" Just seems like it comes up pretty quickly.

But all that aside, in general it is said that the only thing worse than a social faux pas is actually pointing that faux pas out to the one in error. Basically you just need to grit your teeth and move on to other subjects. People are going to have opinions on such an age difference. They just are. So best just accept that and do your best to prove them wrong.

blahblah85

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-response-rude-comments-age-difference?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba585e9b-3f37-4a8d-87af-17aeec3f22f5Post:dd635009-529b-4cd9-b2b8-4afbbe6928c2">Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference</a>:
[QUOTE]If you were my friend, I'd be trying to talk you out of it, too, to be honest. So, I'm afraid I'm not much help.
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

Yeah.  I had a close friend who married a man in his fourties when she was 21.  They are divorced now.  I think people are concerned for you.  I'm sure your FI is a nice guy, but hes done a lot more living then you have.  Your friends, and family don't want you to make a mistake.  I am not saying you are making a mistake!  Your FI might be the one for you, but most people won't get beyond the numbers.  So, this is what I would do.

For a close family member/friend (someone who actually cares about you) say, "I understand your concern, but I love this man with all of my heart, and the age difference dosen't matter to me."  Then change the subject.  For someone who is not a close family or friend I would not even acknowledge that they said anything, and change the subject.  You don't owe these rude people an explanation.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-response-rude-comments-age-difference?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba585e9b-3f37-4a8d-87af-17aeec3f22f5Post:53b095f0-991d-4517-b1d6-783960535337">Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference</a>:
[QUOTE]Change the subject? Honestly I  'judge' your relationship also.  It's not even the 15 year difference.   If you were 30 and he was 45 I wouldn't even think twice about it.  19 vs 34...yeah I kind of give a side-eye to. 
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto this.  I don't have very much in common with 19 year olds, and I'm only 27.  I can only imagine that in another 7 years I'll have absolutely nothing in common at all.  So if I was friends with either of you I would be trying to talk you out of it.  I'd be trying to talk my 19 year old friend out of getting married regardless of age.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>Honestly though, how does your age not come up until the 10th date?  I can only assume that you both weren't bringing it up because you wanted him to think you were older and he wanted you to think he was younger.  Obviously none of these dates were to happy hours or bars.</div>

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-response-rude-comments-age-difference?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba585e9b-3f37-4a8d-87af-17aeec3f22f5Post:13411f4b-d603-488b-9a62-69458ba00127">Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm 19 years old and my husband-to-be is fifteen years older than me. We discovered our age difference after the tenth date and, since it didn't bother us, decided to continue to develop our relationship. Both our families are supportive (even my dad) and there is no question that we love eachother very much and that we'll have a wonderful, lasting marriage.  Unfortunately, many people feel it's ok to make rude comments if they don't know us very well. Some call me "gold-digger" or call him "cradle-robber" or simply insult my youth, his age, or try to talk me out of the engagement! The comments don't bother me as much anymore, but I am always caught off guard by his/her rudeness. I don't know what to say to them because I don't want to respond unkindly. Does anyone know a polite way to respond?
Posted by inkfingers[/QUOTE]

Beachy730

Good call Mrs.B, I have a feeling it will be needed.

inkfingers

It is very apparent to me that most of you need a serious lesson in etiquette. Thank you to those who respectfully answered my question!

KentuckyKate

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-response-rude-comments-age-difference?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba585e9b-3f37-4a8d-87af-17aeec3f22f5Post:3ef22ebe-941b-495b-bddc-cf2e3ffe12b2">Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference : <strong>Ditto this.  I don't have very much in common with 19 year olds, and I'm only 27.  I can only imagine that in another 7 years I'll have absolutely nothing in common at all.  So if I was friends with either of you I would be trying to talk you out of it.  I'd be trying to talk my 19 year old friend out of getting married regardless of age. Honestly though, how does your age not come up until the 10th date?  I can only assume that you both weren't bringing it up because you wanted him to think you were older and he wanted you to think he was younger.  Obviously none of these dates were to happy hours or bars.
</strong>Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]
Ditto every word of this.  Especially the bolded words.

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-response-rude-comments-age-difference?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba585e9b-3f37-4a8d-87af-17aeec3f22f5Post:86157781-2850-47a1-b4d5-6d3b6953b3ac">Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference</a>:
[QUOTE]It is very apparent to me that most of you need a serious lesson in etiquette. Thank you to those who respectfully answered my question!
Posted by inkfingers[/QUOTE]

Sorry, I can't respect this situation at all.  WTF are your parents thinking?

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-response-rude-comments-age-difference?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba585e9b-3f37-4a8d-87af-17aeec3f22f5Post:527d47ec-31b5-439c-8697-d6a189f10ee3">Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference</a>:
[QUOTE]It doesn't bother me, I just need a way to respond in such a way that tells them that I don't appreciate their rude behavior, but is still polite on my part
Posted by inkfingers[/QUOTE]

It must bother you or you wouldn't be asking for advice.

If I were your friend, I would be concerned.  COllege age is such a time of learning and growing as an individual and who you are as a person isn't established yet.  There is a world of difference between 19 and 35 both in experience and maturity (and FTR, I'm not saying you're immature). Are you 150% sure that you want to commit to an "old man" {I can say that b/c I'm 37 ;-)} for the rest of your life?  Think in terms of ages.  When you're 35 he'll be 50. When you're 50, he'll be 65.  When you're 65, he'll be 80 (and probably changing his Depends).  I'm sure your friends are just genuinely concerned that you know what you're getting into.

blahblah85

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-response-rude-comments-age-difference?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba585e9b-3f37-4a8d-87af-17aeec3f22f5Post:86157781-2850-47a1-b4d5-6d3b6953b3ac">Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference</a>:
[QUOTE]It is very apparent to me that most of you need a serious lesson in etiquette. Thank you to those who respectfully answered my question!
Posted by inkfingers[/QUOTE]

I think deep down you know you are making a mistake, and that is why you are so sensitive to anyone telling you its a bad idea. 

DramaGeek

At 30, I can't imagine dating a 19year old.  H was completely annoyed with the 18 year olds he was in class with at 23!  Neither is a bad age, just very, very different.

A girl I went to college with married a 40 year old man when she was 19.  The man was her dad's friend and co-worker.  He visited the hospital when she was born.  Less than a year after they were married, he had a massive heart attack.  He lived, but I just can't imagine going through that as a college sophomore.

That said, if you're choosing to marry this guy and he's choosing to marry you, you WILL get comments.  It catches people off guard, and some can't keep their mouths shut.  To be honest, I'd probably be one who'd do the math and think (and probably let slip out) something like "whoa!  That's quite an age difference!"  I don't expect a response, I'm not trying to be rude, it just happens.  Like others have said, you can acknowledge it with a simple "yes, we know" or "thanks for your concern" and move on, or you can ignore it.

Out of curiosity, how long have you been dating?

ootmother2

Please don't come back with the remark that you're mature for your age

or

That you have been through so much that you're wise beyond your years

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-response-rude-comments-age-difference?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba585e9b-3f37-4a8d-87af-17aeec3f22f5Post:86157781-2850-47a1-b4d5-6d3b6953b3ac">Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference</a>:
[QUOTE]It is very apparent to me that most of you need a serious lesson in etiquette. Thank you to those who respectfully answered my question!
Posted by inkfingers[/QUOTE]

<div>No, but I think everyone that has posted on this thread is well over 19, and can speak from experience.  You probably aren't looking at the big picture, just thinking about how much you love him and want to be with him.  </div><div>
</div><div>What about kids?  At 34 he is probably ready to start a family.  That would seriously affect you being able to go to/finish college in a timely manner.</div><div>
</div><div>Vacations?  All your friends are going to Cancun and Cabo and his friends want to go to Sandals.  </div><div>
</div><div>Work functions?  Hope they aren't in a bar or happy hour.  </div><div>
</div><div>Seriously, I could go on and on. </div>

Mrs.B6302007

Is he going to want to have kids right away?  Are you okay giving up a lot of your freedom for that?  Kids are HARD work.

ootmother2

LDS?


Now I get it.

KentuckyKate

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-response-rude-comments-age-difference?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba585e9b-3f37-4a8d-87af-17aeec3f22f5Post:7aaf92ff-f8b9-4324-937c-ec8311319dc1">Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference</a>:
[QUOTE]LDS? Now I get it.
Posted by ootmother2[/QUOTE]
This chick immediately came to mind.

<a href="http://kristinaskeeps.blogspot.com/2009/02/obeying-6-rule.html" rel='nofollow'>http://kristinaskeeps.blogspot.com/2009/02/obeying-6-rule.html</a>

<a href="http://kristinaskeeps.blogspot.com/2009/02/engagement-pictures.html" rel='nofollow'>http://kristinaskeeps.blogspot.com/2009/02/engagement-pictures.html</a>

inkfingers

To Drama Geek: In response to your question, we've been dating 8 months.

I find it really sad that I'm seeking etiquette advice and most of you are seriously breaking every universal form of etiquette I can think of. I'd rather marry a healthy, nice man twice my age than a fat, abusive guy my age who could die from a heart-attack tomorrow by eating at McDonalds and drinking. If you have nothing nice to say, please don't post. I've dated people like that before and I am so grateful I've found a man who isn't like that. All I want is a kind way to respond. I'm sorry if you've had a bad marriage, bad experiance, or if you think I'm too young. I don't expect your approval or anyone else's-- I just want to know what I can say to let people know it is NOT their place to disapprove. 

KentuckyKate

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-response-rude-comments-age-difference?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba585e9b-3f37-4a8d-87af-17aeec3f22f5Post:93838ada-806f-43fa-8fe5-b27ef19fb336">Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference</a>:
[QUOTE]To Drama Geek: In response to your question, we've been dating 8 months. I find it really sad that I'm seeking etiquette advice and most of you are seriously breaking every universal form of etiquette I can think of. <strong>I'd rather marry a healthy, nice man twice my age than a fat, abusive guy my age who could die from a heart-attack tomorrow by eating at McDonalds and drinking.</strong> If you have nothing nice to say, please don't post. I've dated people like that before and I am so grateful I've found a man who isn't like that. All I want is a kind way to respond. I'm sorry if you've had a bad marriage, bad experiance, or if you think I'm too young. I don't expect your approval or anyone else's-- I just want to know what I can say to let people know it is NOT their place to disapprove. 
Posted by inkfingers[/QUOTE]
In your "experiance," are all the 19 year old men in the entire world obese, abusive drunks?

inkfingers

Ootmother2: The disapproval comes from people within my church. Keep my religion out of the discussion please

TheCranberry

I think there's a difference in response to people who are being rude (eg: calling you guys names like cradle robber or gold digger) and people who are expressing concern (eg: asking whether you've really thought through the age difference, etc).

Rude people can be called out on it: "I don't appreciate you calling me/my fiance names so please refrain from doing so."  If they don't stop, don't talk to them anymore.

For people whose opinion you care about or you think they really care about you: You can try to explain that you've made your decision and it's not up for discussion or you can change the subject as PP suggested.

BTW, I don't think anyone on here was rude, they're just expressing surprise and concern at such a large age difference at such a young age (for you).  I think 19 is young to get married anyway and adding the age difference makes it even more concerning.  You don't have to justify your decisions to anyone, but realize that these concerns aren't frivolous or people just being judgmental for the sake of being judgmental.

blahblah85

You know, there is eight years difference between FI and I (I'm 25, and hes 33)  There are times when he says something, or makes a pop culture reference, and I totally don't get it. 

Also, think of it this way.  In some states just a year ago if he had touched you it would have been considered statutory rape.  I kind of regret being so nicey-nice earlier.  There is something awfully strange about not knowing someone's age until the 10th date.