Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-response-rude-comments-age-difference?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba585e9b-3f37-4a8d-87af-17aeec3f22f5Post:93838ada-806f-43fa-8fe5-b27ef19fb336">Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference</a>:
[QUOTE]To Drama Geek: In response to your question, we've been dating 8 months. I find it really sad that I'm seeking etiquette advice and most of you are seriously breaking every universal form of etiquette I can think of. I'd rather marry a healthy, nice man twice my age than a fat, abusive guy my age who could die from a heart-attack tomorrow by eating at McDonalds and drinking. If you have nothing nice to say, please don't post. I've dated people like that before and I am so grateful I've found a man who isn't like that. All I want is a kind way to respond. I'm sorry if you've had a bad marriage, bad experiance, or if you think I'm too young. I don't expect your approval or anyone else's-- I just want to know what I can say to let people know it is NOT their place to disapprove. 
Posted by inkfingers[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>FFS, we don't need to have had a bad marriage or bad experience to know that there could be a lot of issues at these ages.  And holy judgmental to think that every guy close to your age is a fat, abusive alcoholic. </div><div>
</div><div>You were given "polite" ways to respond.  You were also given advice on your situation.  8 months is often times still the "honeymoon" stage where you fail to see any potential flaws in your relationship.  </div><div>
</div><div>I'm sorry, I just can't get past the fact that less than 2 years ago your FI would have been arrested and been considered a child predator for this relationship.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-response-rude-comments-age-difference?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba585e9b-3f37-4a8d-87af-17aeec3f22f5Post:e458c4f0-adad-44ad-936a-2a4bb93e6978">Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference</a>:
[QUOTE]Ootmother2: The disapproval comes from people within my church. Keep my religion out of the discussion please
Posted by inkfingers[/QUOTE]

Marriage at a very young age seems to be quite common with LDS.  That's why

SirJuliusVonHaast

People are entitled to their opinions, especially if they care about you and are worried. I don't think people are breaking rules of etiquette by saying that they can understand why your friends are concerned. 

19 is very young to get married, even if it's to another 19 year old. And 8 months together is relatively short to be engaged, even for a 25 (or whatever) year old. You must realize that these things would cause concern for some people. What would the disadvantage be to waiting another year before making a decision?

SirJuliusVonHaast

I do think anyone who calls you 'gold digger' or him 'cradle robber' are rude though, just not people who are genuinely concerned.

Mrs.B6302007

Oh, please.  No one here is breaking etiquette. Giving proper wedding etiquette advice has nothing to do with agreeing with you.  Ibelieve the word you're looking for is VALIDATION.  If absolute strangers are showing concern about you, shouldn't that say something?

crash2729

No one was rude to you. 

I don't even understand, unless he looks really young and you look much older how the age difference wouldn't be pretty obvious?

I think something is fishy.

mica178

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-response-rude-comments-age-difference?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba585e9b-3f37-4a8d-87af-17aeec3f22f5Post:3e963fe3-5ecf-4a5c-bbb4-7d449762ed44">Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh, please.  No one here is breaking etiquette. Giving proper wedding etiquette advice has nothing to do with agreeing with you.  Ibelieve the word you're looking for is VALIDATION.  If absolute strangers are showing concern about you, shouldn't that say something?
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

<div>This.</div><div>
</div><div>OP, the posters gave you good advice.  If people question your age difference, change the subject.  I think most people would be concerned about a teenager marrying a man in his thirties.  However, if you believe that he is the man for you, and your families support the union, it really doesn't matter what a bunch of internet strangers (or church strangers) think.</div>

Beazilla

Thank them for their concern and change the subject. Think of this thread as practice.

It's unfair for people to call you a "gold-digger" or him a "cradle-robber". There are legitimate concerns about a 34 year-old and a 19 year-old wanting to marry each other after only 8 months together. Right now, it's a big age difference and you are at a point in life where people change dramatically and fast. If he's really the man for you, he'll give you a at least a couple more years to grow as a person before getting married. Don't worry about what people at your church say, do give yourself some more time before you get married.

zitiqueen

What's wrong with this guy that he can't hang with women his own age? Why does he have to go trawling among the barely-legal crowd?

SilverLining1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-response-rude-comments-age-difference?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba585e9b-3f37-4a8d-87af-17aeec3f22f5Post:895db8cb-ff5f-413e-badc-ce23f134b31a">Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference</a>:
[QUOTE]What's wrong with this guy that he can't hang with women his own age? Why does he have to go trawling among the barely-legal crowd?
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

<div>Why do you only post unhelpful and rude comments?</div><div>
</div><div>OP, I have to agree with PPs. Is there a reason that you feel you can't wait longer to be married?</div>

artbyallie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-response-rude-comments-age-difference?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba585e9b-3f37-4a8d-87af-17aeec3f22f5Post:7fa25f6a-ecb9-4d10-877b-df0ae9a282e5">Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference : Why do you only post unhelpful and rude comments? OP, I have to agree with PPs. Is there a reason that you feel you can't wait longer to be married?
Posted by SilverLining1[/QUOTE]

<div>I thought that ziti made a good point, if a bit bluntly. Why <em>would</em> a 34-year-old date a 19-year-old in the first place? Personally, I can't think of any wholesome reasons for that.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: I have one relative who married a 21-year-old woman when he was 45. She's his 3rd wife and they're now on the rocks. I have an uncle who married a 23-year-old when he was 42. They have a good relationship, as far as I can tell, but the family was still concerned about it.</div>

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-response-rude-comments-age-difference?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba585e9b-3f37-4a8d-87af-17aeec3f22f5Post:7fa25f6a-ecb9-4d10-877b-df0ae9a282e5">Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference : Why do you only post unhelpful and rude comments? OP, I have to agree with PPs. Is there a reason that you feel you can't wait longer to be married?
Posted by SilverLining1[/QUOTE]

Because Ziti is excellent at not beating around the bush and charging right for the most obvious (and usually hysterical) response.

EDIT: Since I've now posted in this debacle, I'm going to have to agree with many previous posters here.  There is a difference between expressing concern and downright calling you both names.  I'd call out the people saying you're a gold-digger by saying "Why would you say something so mean?"  But the people who are trying to give you advice, I'd politely change the subject.

However, I recommend you think on what they are saying.  I do know a girl who was 17 when she started dating a 29 year old.  They are married and are completely happy, but the 29 year old was content to wait for his younger half to grow up and come into her own before marrying.

Ciaram22

I'm going to have to agree with everyone else. You are making a mistake and should do some growing up and stuff on your own before settling down and marrying a man 15 years your senior.

I too was given a hard time when I first started posting due to the age difference between FI and I. I was 19 when we started dating and he was 31.  I got the same responses from the board that you are getting.

Yes maybe it's hard to hear but even I wouldn't recommend dating such an older man. I may be one of the few that the age difference works. Your best bet is just to ignore the people making the comments otherwise they are just proving that your are too young for him.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-response-rude-comments-age-difference?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba585e9b-3f37-4a8d-87af-17aeec3f22f5Post:7fa25f6a-ecb9-4d10-877b-df0ae9a282e5">Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference : Why do you only post unhelpful and rude comments? OP, I have to agree with PPs. Is there a reason that you feel you can't wait longer to be married?
Posted by SilverLining1[/QUOTE]

Just because I don't pat somebody on the head and say "There there, girl, you just hang in there, everything will work out fine" or blindly validate lousy ideas doesn't make me rude or unhelpful.

Why are you so damned pearl-clutchy and butt-clenchy and sensitive? Did I respond to one of your posts with something that rang a little too true? The Knot has a block function; you're allowed to use it if you don't like what I have to say. Nobody is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to read my posts.

SilverLining1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-response-rude-comments-age-difference?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba585e9b-3f37-4a8d-87af-17aeec3f22f5Post:966b1fd0-cb76-427d-bccf-cbbc5addef15">Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference : Just because I don't pat somebody on the head and say "There there, girl, you just hang in there, everything will work out fine" or blindly validate lousy ideas doesn't make me rude or unhelpful. Why are you so damned pearl-clutchy and butt-clenchy and sensitive? Did I respond to one of your posts with something that rang a little too true? The Knot has a block function; you're allowed to use it if you don't like what I have to say. Nobody is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to read my posts.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm not saying that you have to coddle people. Please don't. But every time I see one of your posts, it's never helpful. It's just very snarky, judgmental, and rude. I think that there is a difference between commenting on someone's situation bluntly and just being rude, especially when you have nothing to offer but the rude part. And no, you've never offended me. You could block me if you have a problem, too.</div>

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-response-rude-comments-age-difference?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba585e9b-3f37-4a8d-87af-17aeec3f22f5Post:5708e9b5-60fe-4166-ae5e-785283251ace">Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference : I'm not saying that you have to coddle people. Please don't. But every time I see one of your posts, it's never helpful. It's just very snarky, judgmental, and rude. I think that there is a difference between commenting on someone's situation bluntly and just being rude, <strong>especially when you have nothing to offer but the rude part</strong>. And no, you've never offended me. You could block me if you have a problem, too.
Posted by SilverLining1[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree with Joy that Ziti brought up a very valid question.  Sometimes the "helpful" advice isn't what the poster wants to hear.</div>

SilverLining1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-response-rude-comments-age-difference?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba585e9b-3f37-4a8d-87af-17aeec3f22f5Post:d737fe9c-4313-425a-b56c-a73236aef4c7">Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference : I agree with Joy that Ziti brought up a very valid question.  Sometimes the "helpful" advice isn't what the poster wants to hear.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree. I think that there are many reasons that this man could have ended up on a date with a girl he didn't realize is 19. Also that the way she phrased it would just piss someone off rather than actually make them stop and think that getting married at age nineteen to a man 15 years her senior after only 8 months of dating is very questionable for three good reasons.</div>

VRL

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-response-rude-comments-age-difference?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba585e9b-3f37-4a8d-87af-17aeec3f22f5Post:5708e9b5-60fe-4166-ae5e-785283251ace">Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference : I'm not saying that you have to coddle people. Please don't. But every time I see one of your posts, it's never helpful. It's just very snarky, judgmental, and rude. I think that there is a difference between commenting on someone's situation bluntly and just being rude, especially when you have nothing to offer but the rude part. And no, you've never offended me. You could block me if you have a problem, too.
Posted by SilverLining1[/QUOTE]

There was nothing wrong with zitiqueen's post. She made valid points that the OP should seriously consider.

VRL

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-response-rude-comments-age-difference?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba585e9b-3f37-4a8d-87af-17aeec3f22f5Post:d737fe9c-4313-425a-b56c-a73236aef4c7">Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference : I agree with Joy that Ziti brought up a very valid question.  Sometimes the "helpful" advice isn't what the poster wants to hear.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]


Beat me to it!

Ghoti

You've known this guy for 8 months, and you aren't even considered a "true" adult legally. Can you really blame people for not trusting your decisions?

barbie92

When people make rude comments just change the subject.
When people voice concern about you getting married to someone much older, listen to what they have to say. If they are your friends then they only want what is best for you.

Anysunrise

Well, OP, I'm in a similar situation; I'm 20, and my H is 32. However, neither of us have gotten those kind of comments (seriously anyways, I tease him all the time for being ancient). The only time I've so much as gotten a side-eye was when I told people who hadn't met him; they can't tell we're that far apart when we're together. If I did from strangers, I would probably just ignore it. If I was getting it from friends/family after they had met him, I'd likely have taken a step or two back. 

overloaded

My son is is 18 years old and is in great shape. He works out every day, 7 days a week, He works 30 hours a week while still going to school and having a very active social life. Not all young boys are over weight and only eat fast food.

verymegv

OP - the advice you're looking for has been given, the best way to field these questions of your engagement is to thank them for their concern and change the subject.

but do not think that these ladies have no idea what their talking about. i'm only 21 and the amount that i've changed from 19 year old me is astounding. i still love the same man, but i've changed as a person.

i would learn to be discerning about who questions your relationship. if it's people who are close to you and care about you, then maybe you should open your ears to what they are saying. if random strangers are judging your relationship, they are wrong also.

only you know what's best for you in your life, we don't know you. but don't think the comments will end once you're married. a 15 year age gap is shocking to many people. so be confident in your choices or step back and assess the situation further.

and what other people have said is right, 8 months is a short time to be engaged to a person. any person. it doesn't mean it won't work out, but it is short.

JanoBean75

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-response-rude-comments-age-difference?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba585e9b-3f37-4a8d-87af-17aeec3f22f5Post:93838ada-806f-43fa-8fe5-b27ef19fb336">Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference</a>:
[QUOTE]To Drama Geek: In response to your question, we've been dating 8 months. I find it really sad that I'm seeking etiquette advice and most of you are seriously breaking every universal form of etiquette I can think of. I'd rather marry a healthy, nice man twice my age than a fat, abusive guy my age who could die from a heart-attack tomorrow by eating at McDonalds and drinking. If you have nothing nice to say, please don't post. I've dated people like that before and I am so grateful I've found a man who isn't like that. All I want is a kind way to respond. <strong>I'm sorry if you've had a bad marriage, bad experiance, or if you think I'm too young. </strong>I don't expect your approval or anyone else's-- I just want to know what I can say to let people know it is NOT their place to disapprove. 
Posted by inkfingers[/QUOTE]

Who's judging who?

No one here called you names. Almost everyone expressed their concern. My question is, if he truly is the ONE, why get engaged now? You can date for a longer period, have a long engagement and after you've finished school and experienced life for a while, get married. If he's the one, he'll stick around.

JanoBean75

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-response-rude-comments-age-difference?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ba585e9b-3f37-4a8d-87af-17aeec3f22f5Post:bd3faa62-b52b-4ced-ad18-5f0cf274ac8d">Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette response to rude comments about age difference : FFS, we don't need to have had a bad marriage or bad experience to know that there could be a lot of issues at these ages.  And holy judgmental to think that every guy close to your age is a fat, abusive alcoholic.  You were given "polite" ways to respond.  You were also given advice on your situation.  8 months is often times still the "honeymoon" stage where you fail to see any potential flaws in your relationship.  <strong> I'm sorry, I just can't get past the fact that less than 2 years ago your FI would have been arrested and been considered a child predator for this relationship.</strong>
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

And this.

opalsky007

I'm not going to pass judgment on your relationship, but I am very concerned that you're sure it's what you want. You wanted to avoid discussion of your religion, but I'd urge you to take caution because of it. As a member of LDS, you will be sealed to each other for life. Are you sure, at 19 years old, that you want this life, with this person? No going back?

I want you to ask yourselves some serious questions. What are your goals in life, and how will you reach them together? Education, career, owning a home, traveling, etc.? Will one of you need to make sacrifices for the other? Will that cause resentment? What are your plans for having and raising children? How do you plan to divide your household responsibilities? Financial responsibilities? How do you plan to resolve disputes? 

There's no way to be 100% sure of the answers to any of these questions right now, since things change. But you need to at least consider all of them now so that you know what you're going in to. 

jemmini6

OP- my concern is less for the age difference and more for the fact that you are planning to marry someone after only 8 months at the age of 19.  I was 19 once, and in love, and wanted to marry my BF at the time after we only dated that long too....and let me tell you I'm sooooo glad I didn't because I'd be divorced right now if I had.  I'm not saying that this man isn't the right one for you, but if he is, he'll still be the right man in 2 more years.  What's your hurry? 

Also, no one was rude to you and honestly, coming back complaining about it just makes you look more immature and really doesn't help your case.  As far as the comments, if you get actual rude comments (ie golddigger, craddle robber, etc) then you can just say "I'm sorry, I didn't think my age was any of your business." and then change the subject.  But as several PP's have mentioned, if people close to you are voicing their concern...maybe you should actually listen to them.

tesskerr

I'm a little late to this thread. I know a couple of people in similar situations. Someone I know is 22, dating a 40 year old, and another couple started dating when she was 17 and he was 35. 

The first couple do find it hard. They have known each other for around 5 years, dating for one. I don't know if anyone is as rude to them as the people you know are to you, however I do they are very happy. She was recently in a bad car accident, and has brain damage and unable to work, he moved in with her to take care of her, and I think no one would ever question the age difference now.

The second couple, it is a little different, because she was in high school. She is 22 now, and they have recently broken up. The boyfriend had children from a previous relationship close in age to the girlfriend, which was a little awkward. They bought a house together, and were planning on getting married. They went overseas (to Australia, gold coast) for new years, to party with her younger friends. He did try hard to be "young", however in the end, I think it was just to much for them to overcome. 

I think the second couple (more similar situation to you) would be something to think about, and maybe you to could consider having a long engagement. As PPs have said, 19 is young to get married, no matter who you are marrying. I have been with my FI for 10 years (we started going out in high school) so when I was 19, we had been together for 5-6 years, and we were no way ready to get married.

As for what to say when people say rude things to you, it is hard. If it is someone you don't really know, a line I learnt from somewhere here on the knot is "Oh my god, how embarrassing, I can't believe YOU just said that!" and pull a face like you are really embarrassed for them, and hopefully they will realise what they said was super rude. 

If it is people close to you, well you don't want to come across as a bitch. I think the advice that you have been given is good, to just say "thanks for your concern, but **** makes me really happy" you could even then say "hey, you should come to our place for dinner on Tuesday". That way, if they don't know him very well, it could be a good chance for them to get to know him, and hopefully see why you are both so happy with each other.

Good luck!

eternalmaria

OP- I'm 19 and my fiance is 25, and we've gotten some negitive responses as well as positive ones in regards to our relationship/engagement. Most were from church people, everyone feels entitled to give you their opinion I suppose... However, I feel the most important responses are those of your family. Do they approve? Or are they concerned for your well being? As you can see, I don't have an issue with marrying young, or with an age difference, but more so with the confidence you have in your relationship, and what your family would think of the situation. But to your question, when people make comments, even if they think they know what's best for you, they can be hurtful at times. The best thing is to just ignore it and have full confidence in your relationship with your fiance. I wish you the best of luck!