Uninvited to a wedding

tallgrl30

Hi!  Just need to vent I guess.

One of my best guy friends from college (we've been friends 6 years) is getting married next month.  My boyfriend (of 5 yrs/soon to be fiance) and I got a save the date around Christmastime.  We then received an invite at the beginning of March, returned the RSVP mid-March, and booked a hotel room late-March.  Last week I get an email from the groom (I do not know the bride at all because both of them live in Oregon and I live in PA) basically uninviting me to the wedding because the bride (not knowing me or my boyfriend) was "uncomfortable with us coming having not ever met us".  Which would have been okay had he brought this to my attention sooner and we had not had time to RSVP and such.  However, later in the email he said "I see her point because I would feel uncomfortable if a guy friend of hers that I didnt know came to the wedding -- I mean it would be weird, does he still like her, does she have feelings for him or is really just a harmless friend supporting another friend". 

Back in college when we first met each other we liked each other and we were both in crappy relationships at the time so I guess we took comfort in one another.  But we never dated, went even on a date, we never "hooked up", nothing like that!!  He moved back to Oregon 4 years ago and we've kept in touch and he's come out here to visit old friends from college including myself a couple times.  But the whole friendship is totally harmless.

I felt like just telling him to grow a set and invite whoever he wanted to the wedding because it's his day too and he has just as much of a right to have me and my bf there as she has a right not to have us there, but I didnt.  I figured she had already put him in an awful position in making him do this in the first place and he already felt bad.  I did tell him though that if she was this uncomfortable with it he could have just not invited us in the first place, it would have been a little less hurtful. 

Anyways, now if my bf and I ever meet her if they come visit us or if we go out there, it's just going to leave a sour taste in my mouth.  It's going to feel like she's not going to like us (mainly me) before even knowing us. 

Just a weird complicated situation that I guess I don't fully understand because I'm not a person who easily gets jealous or feels threatened, as I am totally comfortable in my relationship.  I guess my only wish would be that maybe if she had met me/us ahead of time she would've felt more comfortable. 

Again, not really looking for advice, just venting.  Feel free to comment back though!

mandapanda78

I'm impressed you're still considering being friends with him. That kind of rudeness would pretty much make me write someone off.

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bae680e1-d821-4755-9310-94936f73b8d2Post:3ff8f5b0-f5d6-45de-9e27-fd05d1a6baac">Uninvited to a wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi!  Just need to vent I guess. One of my best guy friends from college (we've been friends 6 years) is getting married next month.  My boyfriend (of 5 yrs/soon to be fiance) and I got a save the date around Christmastime.  We then received an invite at the beginning of March, returned the RSVP mid-March, and booked a hotel room late-March.  Last week I get an email from the groom (I do not know the bride at all because both of them live in Oregon and I live in PA) basically uninviting me to the wedding because the bride (not knowing me or my boyfriend) was "uncomfortable with us coming having not ever met us".  Which would have been okay had he brought this to my attention sooner and we had not had time to RSVP and such.  However, later in the email he said "I see her point because I would feel uncomfortable if a guy friend of hers that I didnt know came to the wedding -- I mean it would be weird, does he still like her, does she have feelings for him or is really just a harmless friend supporting another friend".  Back in college when we first met each other we liked each other and we were both in crappy relationships at the time so I guess we took comfort in one another.  But we never dated, went even on a date, we never "hooked up", nothing like that!!  He moved back to Oregon 4 years ago and we've kept in touch and he's come out here to visit old friends from college including myself a couple times.  But the whole friendship is totally harmless. I felt like just telling him to grow a set and invite whoever he wanted to the wedding because it's his day too and he has just as much of a right to have me and my bf there as she has a right not to have us there, but I didnt.  I figured she had already put him in an awful position in making him do this in the first place and he already felt bad.  I did tell him though that if she was this uncomfortable with it he could have just not invited us in the first place, it would have been a little less hurtful.  Anyways, now if my bf and I ever meet her if they come visit us or if we go out there, it's just going to leave a sour taste in my mouth.  It's going to feel like she's not going to like us (mainly me) before even knowing us.  Just a weird complicated situation that I guess I don't fully understand because I'm not a person who easily gets jealous or feels threatened, as I am totally comfortable in my relationship.  I guess my only wish would be that maybe if she had met me/us ahead of time she would've felt more comfortable.  Again, not really looking for advice, just venting.  Feel free to comment back though!
Posted by tallgrl30[/QUOTE]

<div>CN: Male college friend uninvited OP to his wedding because his FI was uncomfortable with a woman she'd never met and didn't know if OP and her friend were ever an item.</div><div>
</div><div>I think your friend needs to grow a set.  He preseumably consulted his FI about the guest list, and she's being pretty bitchy for allowing it to get this far, then revoking the invitation.</div>

tenofcups4me

Wow. Not only is she acting ridiculous, but he's more ridiculous because he's the one who actually knows you and sent you the invitation. They should have discussed this way in advance of sending an invitation, not after you've already responded. I'd have a hard time continuing any relationship with him; he sounds like an idiot.

AbbeyS2011

<strong>In</strong> Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bae680e1-d821-4755-9310-94936f73b8d2Post:3ff8f5b0-f5d6-45de-9e27-fd05d1a6baac">Uninvited to a wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi!  Just need to vent I guess. One of my best guy friends from college (we've been friends 6 years) is getting married next month.  My boyfriend (of 5 yrs/soon to be fiance) and I got a save the date around Christmastime.  We then received an invite at the beginning of March, returned the RSVP mid-March, and booked a hotel room late-March.  Last week I get an email from the groom (I do not know the bride at all because both of them live in Oregon and I live in PA) basically uninviting me to the wedding because the bride (not knowing me or my boyfriend) was "uncomfortable with us coming having not ever met us".  Which would have been okay had he brought this to my attention sooner and we had not had time to RSVP and such.  <strong>However, later in the email he said "I see her point because I would feel uncomfortable if a guy friend of hers that I didnt know came to the wedding -- I mean it would be weird, does he still like her, does she have feelings for him or is really just a harmless friend supporting another friend". </strong> Back in college when we first met each other we liked each other and we were both in crappy relationships at the time so I guess we took comfort in one another.  But we never dated, went even on a date, we never "hooked up", nothing like that!!  He moved back to Oregon 4 years ago and we've kept in touch and he's come out here to visit old friends from college including myself a couple times.  But the whole friendship is totally harmless. I felt like just telling him to grow a set and invite whoever he wanted to the wedding because it's his day too and he has just as much of a right to have me and my bf there as she has a right not to have us there, but I didnt.  I figured she had already put him in an awful position in making him do this in the first place and he already felt bad.  I did tell him though that if she was this uncomfortable with it he could have just not invited us in the first place, it would have been a little less hurtful.  Anyways, now if my bf and I ever meet her if they come visit us or if we go out there, it's just going to leave a sour taste in my mouth.  It's going to feel like she's not going to like us (mainly me) before even knowing us.  Just a weird complicated situation that I guess I don't fully understand because I'm not a person who easily gets jealous or feels threatened, as I am totally comfortable in my relationship.  I guess my only wish would be that maybe if she had met me/us ahead of time she would've felt more comfortable.  Again, not really looking for advice, just venting.  Feel free to comment back though!
Posted by tallgrl30[/QUOTE]

This I don't get.  I mean, he is marrying her!  You are engaged to someone else.  WTF is the big deal?!?  Sounds to me like she is just a tad insecure. 

If she had such an issue with it, then why send you an invite to begin with?

I would email him back and ask him to send you a pic of the piercing through his nose for his ring, cuz sounds like he is getting one whether he likes it or not.

I hope you can get a refund on the hotel room booking.  I would be the type to send the little bridezilla a bill with a "thanks for the un-invite" note.  Or just crash the party and say "sorry, never got that email".  I can be nasty that way hehehehe. 

jemmini6

Yeah, you are way nicer than I would be.  I'd demand that they pay for the hotel room that you already booked because that's such a d*ck move.  I don't think I could continue a close friendship with someone that would do that.

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bae680e1-d821-4755-9310-94936f73b8d2Post:3ff8f5b0-f5d6-45de-9e27-fd05d1a6baac">Uninvited to a wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]  However, later in the email he said "I see her point because I would feel uncomfortable if a guy friend of hers that I didnt know came to the wedding -- I mean it would be weird,<strong> does he still like her, does she have feelings for him or is really just a harmless friend supporting another friend".  </strong>
Posted by tallgrl30[/QUOTE]

Okay..
1. Why does it matter if he likes her...she's marrying your friend..obviously not the guy in the pew.

2.If she has feelings for him..why the heck isn't he the groom and your friend in the pew.

I think this is a lame cop-out from your friend for uninviting you to the wedding. 
And I think the whole thing is rude, but like PPs I'm really impressed you would still want to be his friend and visit them or have them for a visit...

Bubbalub

Wow, he sounds like a doormat and she sounds like a controlling, insecure bitch. I would seriously consider ending the friendship over something like that. If they had just not invited you in the first place that would be one thing. But sending you both a Save-The-Date AND and invitation, then revoking them? That's fucking bullshit.

jerseydevil

I would uninvite him from the friendship! What an a**hole!!!

Really?! This didn't come up when they made the guest list. Really?! REALLY?!?!?!?! How does that work? I know every single person's connection to FI on his side, even if I never met them.

Meg1036

Apparently, they have a ground rule in their relationship that you can't be friends with someone of the opposite sex.  For that's what all this leads me to believe.  They're going to have to, you know, trust each other at some point.

You're being treated horribly.  I wouldn't be friends with anyone who uninvited me from their wedding, especially for such a ridiculous reason.

sarah0725

I am very angry for you and I think it would be friendship-ending if someone did that to me. The girl would certainly never be welcome in my home.

LisaChris2011

Ugh, that sucks, sorry about this.  He does need to get a stronger spine with her...I wonder if he knows he's marrying such an insecure woman.  Sigh.

I also wonder what other etiquette faux paus she is commiting throughout her wedding planning...if she thinks its ok to un-invite someone it makes me wonder what other horrible things she's doing.  Sigh again.

LisaChris2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bae680e1-d821-4755-9310-94936f73b8d2Post:53eff93e-0ea7-4669-9488-e44934d0d0b4">Re: Uninvited to a wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I am very angry for you and I think it would be friendship-ending if someone did that to me. The girl would certainly never be welcome in my home.
Posted by sarah0725[/QUOTE]

Something tells OP probably doesn't even need to purposely end the relationship herself...from the sounds of friend's FI, I would bet friend's communication to OP is going to cease after the wedding regardless because of how insecure she is.

MrsMack10612

My gut made me think it was a cop-out excuse because the bride wanted to invite someone else but didn't have the space.

It really sucks though - what a crappy thing to do.

zitiqueen

Send them a gift -- a jar with a really pretty lid and add a note to the card that says "Congratuations on your marriage -- this jar is for your husband's balls!"

mejane123

I've heard of things like this happening to people before.  In high school.  

Seriously, though, it's mighty big of you to want to continue the friendship.  It's not his fault that his FI is ridiculously insecure and thinks it's appropriate to do things like this, but it is his fault for not standing up for himself and his friendships.  It's excessively bitchy of them both to wait this long to tell you.  It seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and you're clearly a decent person if you'd still want to be friends with him after this, so it's 100% his loss if you two drift apart.  Did he ever respond to your response email?  I'd be curious to hear if he had anything else to say.  

mica178

Ooph.  Sorry about that experience.  I think it's incredibly rude that they are rescinding your invitation after you RSVPd.  I mean, that means they decided not to invite you in the last weeks before the wedding.  Couldn't they have made a guest list decision months ago and not strung you along?  I am annoyed on your behalf.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bae680e1-d821-4755-9310-94936f73b8d2Post:53eff93e-0ea7-4669-9488-e44934d0d0b4">Re: Uninvited to a wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I am very angry for you and I think it would be friendship-ending if someone did that to me. The girl would certainly never be welcome in my home.
Posted by sarah0725[/QUOTE]

I agree. I would also be replying to that email saying I'm sorry he doesn't value our friendship like I do, and I'm sorry we can no longer be friends because his FI is so insecure. And that I expect a refund for the hotel room I'd already booked.

tallgrl30

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bae680e1-d821-4755-9310-94936f73b8d2Post:3aa6c154-1f28-4a7d-abdb-b3d67be63b2f">Re: Uninvited to a wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I've heard of things like this happening to people before.  In high school.   Seriously, though, it's mighty big of you to want to continue the friendship.  It's not his fault that his FI is ridiculously insecure and thinks it's appropriate to do things like this, but it is his fault for not standing up for himself and his friendships.  It's excessively bitchy of them both to wait this long to tell you.  It seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and you're clearly a decent person if you'd still want to be friends with him after this, so it's 100% his loss if you two drift apart.  Did he ever respond to your response email?  I'd be curious to hear if he had anything else to say.  
Posted by mejane123[/QUOTE]

In my email I told him that if he actually had time to call me instead of email I think it'd probably be good to have a little chit chat.  I promised I wouldn't yell at him, but I probably will let him know what a d*ck move this was.  He said his bachelor party is this weekend (surprised he's allowed outta the house lol), so I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he gave me a call at some point since he's not going to be around her.

DNAtime

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bae680e1-d821-4755-9310-94936f73b8d2Post:44b21051-c562-4c01-9904-6023c4e219e0">Re: Uninvited to a wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]He'd be getting a bill and a strongly worded email from me.  Despite the fact that he's not the one who wanted you uninvited, the fact that he's allowing it to happen speaks volumes.
Posted by katelynbrian[/QUOTE]

Definitely this. However, WTF! who fricking uninvites someone AFTER they have RSVP'd AND gotten an STD!?! 

Who does this?  Definitely sounds like she has jealously issues and has him wrapped around her boney witch finger. 

Audrey&Austin

I'd be sending him an email letting him know that our friendship was over and I expect to be reimbursed for the hotel. There are a lot of female friends FI is inviting that I don't know. Guess what? I don't care. I'm the one that will be marrying him. She needs to get over herself and he needs to grow a pair.

mejane123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bae680e1-d821-4755-9310-94936f73b8d2Post:3260dde6-45a1-462c-a71c-adeacc0905d5">Re: Uninvited to a wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Uninvited to a wedding : In my email I told him that if he actually had time to call me instead of email I think it'd probably be good to have a little chit chat.  I promised I wouldn't yell at him, but I probably will let him know what a d*ck move this was.  He said his bachelor party is this weekend (surprised he's allowed outta the house lol), so <strong>I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he gave me a call at some point since he's not going to be around her</strong>.
Posted by tallgrl30[/QUOTE]

<div>This is so sad.  I always feel bad for people like this, even though they allow themselves to be put in these situations.  A friend of mine reacts very similarly to his wife (they also found out after the wedding that she didn't want kids and he did, but that's a whole nother drama).  He's constantly terrified that she's going to "catch him" doing something bad, like eating meat (she's vegan, he's not) or drinking a beer with friends.</div><div>
</div><div>He should not have to hide his friendship with you from her.  If she's a bit insecure, so be it, but she could have at least met you before forming her opinons.  And calling you is a must.  I think it's extra-douchey that he did this via email and not phone call, but that's just me.  Good luck!</div>

sklink0486

Ditto Audrey. Complete bullshit to actually invite someone and then to un-invite them after invitations and RSVP's, etc. Definitely ask for your money back if you paid anything for the hotel room just so they know what a d*ck they both are to do that to someone.

pizzanfries4me

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bae680e1-d821-4755-9310-94936f73b8d2Post:44b21051-c562-4c01-9904-6023c4e219e0">Re: Uninvited to a wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]
He'd be getting a bill and a strongly worded email from me.  Despite the fact that he's not the one who wanted you uninvited, the fact that he's allowing it to happen speaks volumes.
Posted by katelynbrian[/QUOTE]

This, although he would get more then a strongly worded note from me.

saisongbird

If you don't go, they should be reimbursing you for the cost of the hotel and your flights, if you've booked those.  That was a craptastic move on his part, and I would be ending this relationship.

NuggetBrain

Please come back and let us know what the discussion you had turned out to be.  I'm curious as to if he'll continue being such an ass about it over the phone.

jenajjthr

I was one of those insecure types who couldn't let her hubby anywhere alone with another woman.  Then again I was one of those women who was married to a guy who couldn't keep his d!ck out of other women.  We ended up divorced.  (The upside for me is he is now engaged to an even more insecure woman than I was)

Now I'm engaged to a wonderful guy and due to my past issues could once again be that type of woman who has him on a leash.  But I know that is no way to have a healthy, loving, grown up relationship so I work really hard to keep my insecurities down.  The future bride really needs to grow up and realize that the more you control the more they will fight.   

Although I'm the type who would send a collar and leash for him for their wedding gift, I don't advocate that.  Take the higher road, let him know how disappointed you are, wish him the best in his new life, and go on with yours.  Many years from now you will be glad you could be the better person. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Um, yeah, I would be predisposed to hate her too.

I met all by one of my H's good college friends (so like 5/6) at our wedding. Well, at our RD, but still.

mejane123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bae680e1-d821-4755-9310-94936f73b8d2Post:e9a96a57-7113-4562-a4ad-1c93eff45080">Re: Uninvited to a wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Please come back and let us know what the discussion you had turned out to be.  I'm curious as to if he'll continue being such an ass about it over the phone.
Posted by NuggetBrain[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto!!</div>

thesequel

C had a similar situation with a childhood best friend.  His bachelor party is next month (great golf season...and before business tax season starts - he's a tax specialist) and it is not in the town that he grew up in (he's flying to Niagara Falls from Vancouver).  His childhood best friend told him that his wife will not allow him to go to the bachelor party because it is not in the chilldhood hometown (where these two live) and she is convinced that he will "misbehave" without her to watch him.  This guy is wonderful but definitely the subordiant in the relationship.

All I told C about his bachelor party was to please not bring me back any souvenirs...of any kind!  I don't understand women like the OP described.

badkittyct

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_uninvited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bae680e1-d821-4755-9310-94936f73b8d2Post:22d83fd0-e81a-4777-86af-a528c6764916">Re: Uninvited to a wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Uninvited to a wedding : This I don't get.  I mean, he is marrying her!  You are engaged to someone else.  WTF is the big deal?!?  Sounds to me like she is just a tad insecure.  If she had such an issue with it, then why send you an invite to begin with? I would email him back and ask him to send you a pic of the piercing through his nose for his ring, cuz sounds like he is getting one whether he likes it or not. I hope you can get a refund on the hotel room booking.  I would be the type to send the little bridezilla a bill with a "thanks for the un-invite" note.  Or just crash the party and say "sorry, never got that email".  I can be nasty that way hehehehe. 
Posted by AbbeyS2011[/QUOTE]

You = awesome.