Programs and Parents.

willywally5

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_programs-and-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bff94bfe-f02c-42bb-a138-34470a6751b9Post:aa297651-fd23-4624-863c-0dff33a45dc3">Re: Programs and Parents.</a>:
[QUOTE]Sigh,  I did not say that some stepparents should not be named in progam.   I just do not agree with Wally that to list a step as a step is an etiquette wrong.    How is identifying someone as a spouse not respecting their marriage?   <strong>The don't seperate social units does not refer to listing on a program. </strong>  Apparently, <strong>according to Wally it is a good, nice thing for kids to worry about stepparents feelings above all, including their own bioparents feelings. </strong> Wally, even if we all agreed that IRL you function as a parent, that does not make etiquette rules for all people. Dad, accompanied by wife, is fine.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

<div>And where did you find this documented? Citiation, please? </div><div>
</div><div>And what is your beef with me? I'm not the only person who has said your attitude toward steps is ignorant and offensive. </div><div>
</div><div>And it's not a 'good and nice thing' for any kid to have to worry about this sort of crap. If your parents were still married, that would be ideal in that you wouldn't have to worry about it at all. But they're NOT. And everyone now gets to deal with that. </div><div>
</div><div>Your bio parents and step parents are GROWN UPS. If they can't get deal with their feelings, it's pretty sad. Especially your philandering father, who you seem so intent on protecting. It's not just about step parents feelings. </div><div>
</div><div><div>Honestly, I could really care less about wedding programs. It's this inane statement about SP in general that makes me just shake my head.</div><div>
</div><div>If you don't have a relationship with a SP and they didn't raise you, they treat you or your bio parent badly, the bio parent could care less and you're not taking their money to pay for the wedding, then don't list them or list them however you want. However, I would list them along with their spouse, as a social unit. Because I just don't give a fuuvck about biology and would want to honor my bio parent's spouse in that way. </div><div>
</div><div>But not doing it to make some sort of 'statement' about the bride or groom's unresolved issues with the end of their bio parents' marriage or feelings about a SP is, in my humble opinion, rude and nasty. If you want to do it, though, knock yourself out. </div></div><div>
</div><div>(Edited for clarity)</div>

button6004

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_programs-and-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bff94bfe-f02c-42bb-a138-34470a6751b9Post:590e5f79-aed3-462f-bdee-8696e2e141eb">Re: Programs and Parents.</a>:
[QUOTE]No, I just would rather respect the parents who actually raised me, than someone who did not.  Go figure. 
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

You really have a chip on your shoulder about stepparents. Grow up. 

Something tells me your father's wife is actually a decently nice person that you are just horrible to.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_programs-and-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bff94bfe-f02c-42bb-a138-34470a6751b9Post:118b1faa-d302-4742-899d-4492c5436412">Re: Programs and Parents.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Programs and Parents. : You really have a chip on your shoulder about stepparents. Grow up.  Something tells me your father's wife is actually a decently nice person that you are just horrible to.
Posted by button6004[/QUOTE]

I wonder if roles were reversed - and stepmom was the moneybags instead of cheating father - if she would feel the same way about letting her dad off the hook for cheating & hating his wife... something tells me she suddenly would be okay with her stepmom.

willywally5

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_programs-and-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bff94bfe-f02c-42bb-a138-34470a6751b9Post:48c8e848-71cd-41ae-93ad-a6592c11fe8e">Re: Programs and Parents.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Programs and Parents. : I wonder if roles were reversed - and stepmom was the moneybags instead of cheating father - if she would feel the same way about letting her dad off the hook for cheating & hating his wife... something tells me she suddenly would be okay with her stepmom.
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

<div>I wonder that same thing. </div><div>
</div><div>I also wonder how long ago this affair/divorce happened, because there is some SERIOUS bitterness and general ill-will going on with this girl. Gonna eat her alive if she doesn't get some help for it. </div>

strlzfan11

You're being childish in that you're allowing your personal feelings to make generalizations that just aren't true.  I'm being completely sincere in suggesting that you need to talk this out with a professional counselor and your stepmother.  Holding grudges is just going to cause you a lot of pain and affect the way you do a lot fo things down the road.  Get it taken care of while you still have a chance to mend the relationship, even if it's just to a point where you can be in the same room with one another without all the drama.

LiLe422

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_programs-and-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bff94bfe-f02c-42bb-a138-34470a6751b9Post:82362d46-0870-4d50-9b55-9f2fabeb25b5">Re: Programs and Parents.</a>:
[QUOTE]You're being childish in that you're allowing your personal feelings to make generalizations that just aren't true.  <strong>I'm being completely sincere in suggesting that you need to talk this out with a professional counselor and your stepmother. </strong> Holding grudges is just going to cause you a lot of pain and affect the way you do a lot fo things down the road.  Get it taken care of while you still have a chance to mend the relationship, even if it's just to a point where you can be in the same room with one another without all the drama.
Posted by strlzfan11[/QUOTE]

I agree with this.  You are obviously harboring very resentful feelings toward this woman.  Not saying you have to have a mother-daughter relationship with the woman, but FFS she is your fathers wife, your stepmother.   As an adult, you must move on at some point in time.

Girlie1030

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_programs-and-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bff94bfe-f02c-42bb-a138-34470a6751b9Post:f7573cad-68ee-49b5-bbc5-feaacfc85feb">Re: Programs and Parents.</a>:
[QUOTE]I am not bitter.   I do not even think my mother is bitter.  But that doesn't elevate SM to mom status. 
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

cough*bullshlt*cough

Looking through your post history it's obvious you're bitter.  In a big way.  And in your bitterness you've offended a good number of people here. 

MrsMack10612

NYU - I can sympathize with where you are coming from; as my situation is similar (other woman and all that nonsense); however, in my family this all happened 20+ years ago; I don't know if your situation is more recent.  I truly understand the hurt you are feeling.

You are wrong to not hold your father responsible for his actions.  It took me a long time to get to that point.  It was NOT all HER fault. 

I do want to caveat - my issues with my father's wife are NOT, repeat NOT, about the affair and the breaking up of my family; it has everything to do with the how things have been for the last 20 some years.  My father was barely a father to me let alone her being a parent to me.

MrsMack10612

NYU - Absolutely not.  If you will read my previous posts in this thread, I plan on identifying her as my father's wife.

But you have been making sweeping generalizations about steps and how they are not parents; it's not true.  My father's wife, as I have conceded, is by definition my stepmother; but for a great many reasons, not the least of which is she never parented me, I will never call her that, nor will I acknowledge her as such.

Your other posts (not only in this thread) decry a huge amount of animosity towards this woman and all other "other women"; clearly you hold more bitterness than you are willing to admit.

Again, I don't know how long ago all of this happened for you that your pain still seems so fresh, but other posters are right, you need to address this anger before it tears you up.

I spent many years beating my head against a wall trying to change, for the better, the relationship I have with my father and his wife; to no avail.  It is only recently that I have truly come to terms with and accepted the way things are.

HockeyFan4

Long ago, most people stopped talking about programs, and started addressing your sweeping generalization that step parents are not and never will be parents.  That is what most people have been addressing with you. 

I agree with the others that you need some professional help to deal with your family issues.

ski2play

NYU,

You have offended more than a few.  You have made several sweeping generalizations that scream very loudly your bitterness regarding the "other" women of the world.  Is there a professional, a member of the clergy, and/or someone who can help you make peace with this issue?

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_programs-and-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bff94bfe-f02c-42bb-a138-34470a6751b9Post:ce365449-22c9-4ba1-8143-94bce71942f4">Re: Programs and Parents.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Programs and Parents. : <strong> I am not bitter.</strong>  I may have offfended a few.  But a few liked my initial suggestion as to how to handle program.  
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

Your posting history says otherwise. Almost every.single.post is in a thread dealing with including stepparents in the wedding, and in almost every single response from you, you make it a point to purposely <em>exclude</em> the stepparent. That kind of strong reaction pretty much falls right in line with how bitter you are towards your own stepparent.

whitsy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_programs-and-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bff94bfe-f02c-42bb-a138-34470a6751b9Post:f7573cad-68ee-49b5-bbc5-feaacfc85feb">Re: Programs and Parents.</a>:
[QUOTE]I am not bitter.   I do not even think my mother is bitter.  But that doesn't elevate SM to mom status. 
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

<div>I think you are putting waaaaay too much importance on a SINGLE LINE in a freaking program. sweet baby jesus.</div>

KellyBrian2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_programs-and-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bff94bfe-f02c-42bb-a138-34470a6751b9Post:ff045cef-6d19-4c1a-9d82-04a245ed914a">Re: Programs and Parents.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Programs and Parents. : Couldnt that be said about either side on this?  OP asked for suggestions, I gave one.   Isnt it just the same to say to the SM supporters, its just one line in a program?
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

The difference being that you continued beyond your suggestion to generalize that stepparents (or s/o's of biological parents, if you prefer) are NOT parents... and THAT is where the the argument comes about.

LiLe422

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_programs-and-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bff94bfe-f02c-42bb-a138-34470a6751b9Post:92355efb-6e54-4b71-8d98-1beef3bcf007">Re: Programs and Parents.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Programs and Parents. : <strong>The difference being that you continued beyond your suggestion to generalize that stepparents (or s/o's of biological parents, if you prefer) are NOT parents... and THAT is where the the argument comes about.</strong>
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

True story.

arendiva

Wow. I never realized that there was this much drama in relation to things like invitations and programs.

Solution:

On the invitations write only the bride and grooms names or write something generic like "the parents of _ & _ invite you.

Don't have programs.

My parents aren't divorced yet so luckily I don't have steps to deal with but I don't feel like I would list them if I did. And If I thought that omission would cause family angst I wouldn't hesitate for a second to skip the programs entirely. But that's just me.