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Wedding Etiquette Forum

Cash Bar, Dollar Dances - your thoughts

I know I'm just asking to get chewed out here, but I wanted to make note of this.  It is generally considered bad etiquette to host a cash bar and make your guests pay for anything.  However, #1, some couples are on a very tight budget which means it's either going to be a cash bar or no alcohol at all.  My fiance and I would prefer to give our guests the option to drink rather than cutting it out completely.  But, #2, it's not just a matter of saving us money.  It's also about the type of environment we want to have.  People generally don't get wasted when there's a cash bar, because they don't wan to pay for a ton of drinks... and we do not want wasted people at our reception.  We both come from more conservative Christian families and there will be several children at our reception.  We don't want fights and drunks staggering all over the place.  IMHO, hosting a cash bar can be MORE respectful to your guests, in this sense.

Then there is the issue of dollar dances.  My FI thinks they are common at every wedding, but I hate the idea -- I think it's terrible that all these people came all this way just to see you, and now they have to PAY to even get close to you??!!  Maybe this seems contradictory, considering what I just said about the cash bar, but in this case, I really don't see the point.  They already bought (or wrote a check as a gift) -- now you're going to choke another dollar out of them??

What does everyone else think?
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Re: Cash Bar, Dollar Dances - your thoughts

  • edited September 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-dollar-dances-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c058ed08-d747-4448-baf1-2ff784676a60Post:08515b4e-302b-4159-b7c6-bfdb6f6befe1">Cash Bar, Dollar Dances - your thoughts</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know I'm just asking to get chewed out here, but I wanted to make note of this.  It is generally considered bad etiquette to host a cash bar and make your guests pay for anything.  However, #1, some couples are on a very tight budget which means it's either going to be a <strong>cash bar or no alcohol at all. </strong> My fiance and I would prefer to give our guests the option to drink rather than cutting it out completely.  But, #2, it's not just a matter of saving us money.  It's also about the type of environment we want to have.  <strong>People generally don't get wasted when there's a cash bar, because they don't wan to pay for a ton of drinks... </strong>and we do not want wasted people at our reception.  We both come from more conservative Christian families and there will be several children at our reception. <strong> We don't want fights and drunks staggering all over the place.</strong>  <strong>IMHO, hosting a cash bar can be MORE respectful to your guests, in this sense.</strong> Then there is the issue of dollar dances.  My FI thinks they are common at every wedding, but I hate the idea -- I think it's terrible that all these people came all this way just to see you, and now they have to PAY to even get close to you??!!  Maybe this seems contradictory, considering what I just said about the cash bar, but in this case, I really don't see the point.  They already bought (or wrote a check as a gift) -- now you're going to choke another dollar out of them?? What does everyone else think?
    Posted by hanson2B[/QUOTE]
    Is there any way you could do just beer and wine? That's generally at least a little cheaper, and gives your guests the option to drink without asking them to open their wallets.

    I can tell you from personal experience that when there's a cash bar, I'm going to drink whatever amount I'm going to drink, whether I have to pay for it or not. Don't think the cash thing will deter EVERYONE.

    Does that sort of thing happen at every social gathering you go to? Why are you scared of this? Alcohol doesn't turn normal people into punch throwing heathens. Honestly, I'd avoid a cash bar any way I could.

    EDIT: I don't know how I missed the dollar dance paragraph. I'd also not do that either. I'm avoiding it. It would make me uncomfortable.
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    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
  • I hate cash bars.    I call BS on point #2.  Have you never been to a bar or club?  People pay for their drinks all the time and still get drunk.  Not having a cash bar will not stop those who would get drunk anyway.

    That said, given the option of no bar and cash bar I pick cash bar.  I would just consider you a bad host, not the worse thing in the world to be thought of (although in our families it would never been forgotten).

    I have no opinion on the dollar dance.  If I saw them I would not particpate, but I do not get offended either.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Birdie1483Birdie1483 member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited September 2010
    I agree with LC. I (unfortunately) don't limit myself when I go out to bars because I"m paying for liquor, so I probably wouldn't limit myself if there was a cash bar.... ESPECIALLY since I"m a beer drinker and beers usually aren't expensive.

    As far as the whole "we dont want drunk people around children" thing, I say leave that decision up to their parents. Most "crazy drunk" people I've ever seen at weddings were the men in the wedding party celebrating with the new groom. Do you think you can stop that?

    You can come up with a million excuses why you think you need a cash bar, but I would never say that it's MORE respectful to the guests.  That's just pushing it.

    The dollar dance is to each their own IMO. They're popular where I'm from but we're not doing one because I don't like touching people.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-dollar-dances-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c058ed08-d747-4448-baf1-2ff784676a60Post:08515b4e-302b-4159-b7c6-bfdb6f6befe1">Cash Bar, Dollar Dances - your thoughts</a>:
    [QUOTE]IIMHO, hosting a cash bar can be MORE respectful to your guests, in this sense.
    Posted by hanson2B[/QUOTE]
    you have GOT to be kidding.

    it is well-documented that cash bars don't deter people from getting drunk. it's also quite condescending to think you can gouge your guests into behaving.

    you must associate with some classy people if you're worried about fights breaking out at your wedding.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-dollar-dances-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c058ed08-d747-4448-baf1-2ff784676a60Post:efc2a713-94b9-4b25-aece-d9641cd2bfbb">Re: Cash Bar, Dollar Dances - your thoughts</a>:
    [QUOTE]I can tell you from personal experience that when there's a cash bar, I'm going to drink whatever amount I'm going to drink, whether I have to pay for it or not. 
    Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

    <div>Thanks for your answer.  I thought this was interesting, so I have a question on it.  If you're going to drink whatever you normally drink, whether you have to pay for it or not, then why would you be bothered by a cash bar?  Obviously free is always better, but if you'd be willing to spend the cash...</div>
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  • We're doing a cash bar but I know it is quite frowned upon here on TK.  We are having a bottle of red and a bottle of white wine on each table that guests won't have to pay for.  I've never seen a dollar dance before and actually hadn't heard of it before TK, we aren't doing it.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-dollar-dances-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c058ed08-d747-4448-baf1-2ff784676a60Post:f18fe2dd-fe90-481f-9214-b3f01ef8ba70">Re: Cash Bar, Dollar Dances - your thoughts</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cash Bar, Dollar Dances - your thoughts : Thanks for your answer.  I thought this was interesting, so I have a question on it.  If you're going to drink whatever you normally drink, whether you have to pay for it or not, then why would you be bothered by a cash bar?  Obviously free is always better, but if you'd be willing to spend the cash...
    Posted by hanson2B[/QUOTE]

    For the same reason you don't invite people over for dinner and ask them to bring their own food and drinks.
  • Also, to all of you who made the point that a cash bar would not deter people from drinking, the reason I did not realize this is because I don't drink and never go to bars.  I really don't have any idea how things work.  It's not that I associate with bad people -- it's that I associate with good people, so if less tasteful souls end up at our wedding (distant relatives and such), I really don't know what to expect and I was just trying to keep the level down.  I don't think anyone in our families are really big drinkers though...
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-dollar-dances-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c058ed08-d747-4448-baf1-2ff784676a60Post:5b7b1779-f963-4689-b04e-de4be5ce5988">Re: Cash Bar, Dollar Dances - your thoughts</a>:
    [QUOTE]Also, to all of you who made the point that a cash bar would not deter people from drinking, the reason I did not realize this is because I don't drink and never go to bars.  I really don't have any idea how things work.  It's not that I associate with bad people --<strong> it's that I associate with good people, so if less tasteful souls end up at our wedding (distant relatives and such)</strong>, I really don't know what to expect and I was just trying to keep the level down.  I don't think anyone in our families are really big drinkers though...
    Posted by hanson2B[/QUOTE]

    You're barking up the wrong tree here sweetie.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-dollar-dances-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c058ed08-d747-4448-baf1-2ff784676a60Post:f18fe2dd-fe90-481f-9214-b3f01ef8ba70">Re: Cash Bar, Dollar Dances - your thoughts</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cash Bar, Dollar Dances - your thoughts : Thanks for your answer.  I thought this was interesting, so I have a question on it.  If you're going to drink whatever you normally drink, whether you have to pay for it or not, then why would you be bothered by a cash bar?  Obviously free is always better, but if you'd be willing to spend the cash...
    Posted by hanson2B[/QUOTE]

    I would also still drink a lot even if it is a cash bar, but I would be pissed that I traveled, spent money, and brought you a gift when you couldn't even be a good host.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-dollar-dances-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c058ed08-d747-4448-baf1-2ff784676a60Post:5b7b1779-f963-4689-b04e-de4be5ce5988">Re: Cash Bar, Dollar Dances - your thoughts</a>:
    [QUOTE]Also, to all of you who made the point that a cash bar would not deter people from drinking, the reason I did not realize this is because I don't drink and never go to bars.  I really don't have any idea how things work.  It's not that I associate with bad people --<strong> it's that I associate with good people, so if less tasteful souls end up at our wedding (distant relatives and such), I really don't know what to expect and I was just trying to keep the level down.</strong>  I don't think anyone in our families are really big drinkers though...
    Posted by hanson2B[/QUOTE]


    becareful here.

    My grandma said her prayers and rosaries  twice a day everyday, she went to church a few days a week.  Yet everyday at 4 and 9 she would have a cocktail. She would roll over in her grave if anyone of us had a cash bar.  Why? to her it's about being a good host and she taught us better than to charge guests anything we invited them to.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Stop trying to justify poor etiquette on an etiquette message board.  Its pointless.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-dollar-dances-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c058ed08-d747-4448-baf1-2ff784676a60Post:5b7b1779-f963-4689-b04e-de4be5ce5988">Re: Cash Bar, Dollar Dances - your thoughts</a>:
    [QUOTE]Also, to all of you who made the point that a cash bar would not deter people from drinking, the reason I did not realize this is because I don't drink and never go to bars.  I really don't have any idea how things work.  It's not that I associate with bad people -- it's that I associate with good people, so if <strong>less tasteful souls</strong> end up at our wedding (distant relatives and such), I really don't know what to expect and I was just trying to keep the level down.  I don't think anyone in our families are really big drinkers though...
    Posted by hanson2B[/QUOTE]

    Are "less tasteful souls" anyone that drinks, or people that drink and get drukn? You sould pretty judgemental of people who consume alcohol. If it's that big of a deal, don't have any. It's better to have none, or host it all, then ask your guests, who have travelled and bought gifts for you, to open their wallets to enjoy themselves. So, no it's NOT more respectful to your guests to have a cash bar. Your reasoning is wrong.
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  • It is pretty common here to host the bar through the end of dinner/cake and then switch to a cash bar so (2-4 hours).  Would that be an option for you? 

    I don't like the dollar dance for a few reasons - first the money thing is really tacky, second it can kill the party. 
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  • Personally, I don't care about cash bars and dollar dances. Dollar dances are common around here, so I'm used to them. We didn't have one, although most of our guests asked when we were going to do it. And I hardly ever drink, so having to pay doesn't mean much to me.

    However, your justification is ridiculous. People will get drunk whether they're paying or not, if they want to. And saying you're somehow classier than your guests just makes you sound like a priss. No way is a cash bar being more respectful of your guests. Nice try, though.

    As for the dollar dance, your justification is really weird. You think it's rude to ask people to pay to attend your wedding by shelling out cash for a dollar dance, yet it's perfectly fine to make them pay for drinks? Not sure how that one works out.

  • If most of your families are against drinking, have a dry wedding. 

    Yes, weddings are expensive. Don't use that as an excuse to be a poor host. Host what you can afford. If you can't afford alcohol, then people don't get alcohol. Otherwise, cut some money out of your flower budget, dress budget, transportation budget, whatever, and buy some beer and wine. Charging people for drinks is just as bad as charging people for food at your wedding. (I mean, it's their choice to eat, right?!)
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  • Goodness, I've never heard any of these arguments to justify a cash bar before! My eyes have been opened!

    Thankfully, I've never been to a wedding that featured either of these things, and mine won't either.
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  • edited September 2010
    If it is not in your budget to have an open bar, then as PP stated, do not have one. 
    If you couldnt afford a cake, would you charge your guest a dollar a slice? 
    If you couldn't afford a meal, would you expect your guest to pay for their plate?  Do you get the point here? 

    Do not for a second,  try to convince yourself that having an open bar is a conveninece or respectful to your guest. It is not.  I am sure that everyone will be able to survive 3-4 hours without a beverage.   It is your way of justifying your actions.

    Bottom line; CASH (edited in) bars ARE done but it is poor etiquette, and there is no way to sugar coat it. 
  • this was seriously the funniest thing i've ever read in my life!
  • The OP isn't even covering soda. Her venue covers coffee, tea, and water. ALL other drinks are pay only.

    Cash bars are frowned upon. But like other PPs, if I wanted to drink and you weren't hosting alcoholic beverages, I'd buy a couple and then talk about you. Sorry, but I'm a tasteless soul.

    Dollar dances are beyond tacky. And you make no sense -- you are against the dance, but have no issue charging your guests for drinks? What's the difference? You don't want to take a dollar from them, but have no issues with them ponying up $8 for a drink?
    9.17.2010
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  • edited September 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-dollar-dances-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c058ed08-d747-4448-baf1-2ff784676a60Post:1f5845e1-6572-4bd7-b8ce-f95f3084d7b3">Re: Cash Bar, Dollar Dances - your thoughts</a>:
    [QUOTE] Bottom line; <strong>open bars ARE done but it is poor etiquette</strong>, and there is no way to sugar coat it. 
    Posted by arv266[/QUOTE]

    Huh? I hope this is a mis-type, I have never heard of open bars being poor etiquette.
    Anniversary
  • Cash bars are okay if they are common in your area.  It would be VERY rude for me to have a cash bar in my area- so it isn't even an option.
    I also trust my guests when they drink- not sure about yours though.

    The dollar dance is so the B&G have some extra cash for the honeymoon.  It isn't common in my area or with my guests - so there is no way I would consider doing it.  Even if it was common- I find it tacky.
  • We're doing an open beer and wine bar, but I'm a Catholic from South Louisiana.  Plus, my family is full of big drinkers.

    BUT, when push comes to shove, it's YOUR day.  I think people would buy liquor if you provided it, but if you're really concerned with drunk people everywhere, I'd consider a dry reception.

    As for the money dance, we're doing that as well.  It'll be our honeymoon spending money.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-dollar-dances-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c058ed08-d747-4448-baf1-2ff784676a60Post:aa714a20-1d55-412e-b17c-adab0d7fce9d">Re: Cash Bar, Dollar Dances - your thoughts</a>:
    [QUOTE]We're doing an open beer and wine bar, but I'm a Catholic from South Louisiana.  Plus, my family is full of big drinkers. BUT, when push comes to shove, it's YOUR day.  I think people would buy liquor if you provided it, but if you're really concerned with drunk people everywhere, I'd consider a dry reception. <strong>As for the money dance, we're doing that as well.  It'll be our honeymoon spending money.</strong>
    Posted by JessieMire[/QUOTE]
    Well, shiit.  To think, I actually went to work to have honeymoon spending money....
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-dollar-dances-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c058ed08-d747-4448-baf1-2ff784676a60Post:f18fe2dd-fe90-481f-9214-b3f01ef8ba70">Re: Cash Bar, Dollar Dances - your thoughts</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Cash Bar, Dollar Dances - your thoughts : Thanks for your answer.  I thought this was interesting, so I have a question on it.  If you're going to drink whatever you normally drink, whether you have to pay for it or not, then why would you be bothered by a cash bar?  Obviously free is always better, but if you'd be willing to spend the cash...
    Posted by hanson2B[/QUOTE]
    Well, like Lynda pointed out, although it won't stop me from drinking, I still think it's rude. You don't throw a party, then ask for your guests to pay for stuff at said party. I mean, I'd still fork over the cash, but I would think the hosts/hostess is rude.
    image
    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-dollar-dances-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c058ed08-d747-4448-baf1-2ff784676a60Post:aa714a20-1d55-412e-b17c-adab0d7fce9d">Re: Cash Bar, Dollar Dances - your thoughts</a>:
    [QUOTE]We're doing an open beer and wine bar, but I'm a Catholic from South Louisiana.  Plus, my family is full of big drinkers. <strong>BUT, when push comes to shove, it's YOUR day. </strong> I think people would buy liquor if you provided it, but if you're really concerned with drunk people everywhere, I'd consider a dry reception. As for the money dance, we're doing that as well.  It'll be our honeymoon spending money.
    Posted by JessieMire[/QUOTE]
    The quicker you let go of this idea, the better off you'll be. "YOUR DAY" is not an excuse to do rude things at your wedding.
    image
    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
  • I provided every over age guest with a bottle of wine and a puke bucket.


    Isn't that normal everywhere??
  • OP - where exactly are you located?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-dollar-dances-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c058ed08-d747-4448-baf1-2ff784676a60Post:4e13a435-143f-414a-bea0-b4be88688c09">Re: Cash Bar, Dollar Dances - your thoughts</a>:
    [QUOTE]I provided every over age guest with a bottle of wine and a puke bucket. Isn't that normal everywhere??
    Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]
    Oh you provided the buckets?  Mine were for sale next to the bar.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_cash-bar-dollar-dances-thoughts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c058ed08-d747-4448-baf1-2ff784676a60Post:725e17b5-33f7-4039-8d31-1dad294ffaba">Re: Cash Bar, Dollar Dances - your thoughts</a>:
    [QUOTE]I guess it must depend on the area, because I know that people around here would not get nearly as upset about it as some of you are. I've been to 3 weddings where no bar at all was offered, and nobody said a bad word about it.  But I don't really see the point of not even offering a bar... I don't want people to have to leave my reception and go to the bar across the street if they want something to drink! And I'm really not terribly worried about my guests going crazy, it was just that I did not know what to expect because none of the people I am close with (friends or family) are big drinkers.  The few big drinkers are more distant relatives, so I have no idea whether or not they keep it in check, because I'm never around them.  I shouldn't have used the wording I used -- I don't think poorly of people who drink, but I WOULD think poorly of someone who got DRUNK at a wedding, if that were to happen. But apparently people who drink are going to drink and it doesn't matter anyway.  That's something I have learned from this post and I appreciate knowing it. To the person who mentioned that I'm not offering soda -- everyone convinced me that it's a must, so I will be offering soda now.  Still doing the cash bar for alocholic things though. Don't worry.  I don't think anyone at my reception will get their panties in as much of a wad as most of you did.  I guess it is a cultural/location/family thing.  I appreciate your trying to steer me in the right direction, and I would offer it if I could afford it.
    Posted by hanson2B[/QUOTE]
    Out of curiosity, why did you ask if you already had your mind made up?
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    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
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