When are you too old for babies?

katiewhompus

Ok bear with me on this one. I want to get popular opinion (and see if my opinion is way off base) and I am asking here instead of thebump because I feel you guys offer a wider variety or answers as well as the use of logic when it comes to reproduction.
When are you too old to have babies?
I ask because I just found out my sil's sil is 47 and has a 1 year old daughter, her husband is 60. they are currently trying for a second and will "give up" when she hits 50. While I am happy for them, part of me is going, wtf are you doing having a child at 60. By the time the kid is going to college having a parent die of old age is a very real possibility and kind of mind boggling. I can't imagine my parents (55 and 54) having a child right now.

nda_roxybabe

I think it's a personal thing. I'd like to be done by 35. That's just me though.

jillross

I think people should have babies when it's right for them - if 47 and 60 is what's right for them than so be it. I would rather people this age making the decision than 13 year olds getting pregnant. 

psichick

you're too old when you hit menopause. 

that being said, i couldn't imagine having a kid after 40. they require too much energy and the generation gap would be too large. 

emarston1

I think anything over 40 is pushing it but mainly for the health risks and likelihood of complications during the pregnancy.

Personally I couldn't imagine having a kid past 35 because of how much energy they require and I just don't think I'd have it in me.  More power to the women that do!

squirrly

I understand where you're coming from, but death can happen anytime.  I think if you don't have children because you're worried you'll die too early for them, you're kiddng yourself.  No matter when you pass away, it will be devastating for your child.

I think the bigger thing is that if it's not medically sound for the mom, then you need to either find another way (adoption, surrogate, etc.) or give up.  At her age, I'd think it's unlikely that the doctor will encourage them to continue trying.  If their parental instincts aren't satisfied yet, though, having a child by whatever method best suits their situation is ok by me.

GreenMoon

Honestly, their generations is probably too old to have a child.  Life expectancy for them (if they live a healthy life and die simply of old age) is between 80-95.  Therfore most of their healthy years are pretty much going to be past by the time the child would complete high school, and life just STARTS happening after you graduate high school.  There are so many moments your parents are still apart of (college, house buying, marriage, babies, etc).  Soon, babies at 50 will not be a problem because the life expectancy (with same stipulations) will be a good 10-15 years longer.  Therefore at 50, you'll only be halfway through life.  Anyway, I'm sure a lot of people will think I'm wrong, but thats how I feel..... 50 is too old.  40 is fine, 45 is okay if you are actually healthy, 50 is too old. 

GreenMoon

If we are talking personal, I'm not sure I want kids, and if I do... i'm not going over 30. 

sucrets4

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_old-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c2c75aa7-9c3a-495d-8d1a-5ea9b271a573Post:602886fa-8ca5-467c-8c73-40fd20728cc4">Re: When are you too old for babies?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, their generations is probably too old to have a child.  Life expectancy for them (if they live a healthy life and die simply of old age) is between 80-95.  Therfore most of their healthy years are pretty much going to be past by the time the child would complete high school, and life just STARTS happening after you graduate high school.  There are so many moments your parents are still apart of (college, house buying, marriage, babies, etc). <strong> Soon, babies at 50 will not be a problem </strong>because the life expectancy (with same stipulations) will be a good 10-15 years longer.  Therefore at 50, you'll only be halfway through life.  Anyway, I'm sure a lot of people will think I'm wrong, but thats how I feel..... 50 is too old.  40 is fine, 45 is okay if you are actually healthy, 50 is too old. 
Posted by GreenMoon[/QUOTE]

Really?  Because the risks go up after you hit 35, and I'm pretty sure that's been the same for awhile.

[Deleted User]

IMO, that is just too old. I want to see my kids grow up, although I do realize death is possible at anytime. Not to mention the complications and risks for disabilities and problems for the baby. I would like to be done by 35 or so as well, but you can't always plan these kinds of things.

loop0406

I think you're too old to have babies when your period is no more. My mom was 45 when she had me and she's still going strong, I'm 28. She was worried when she got preg that she might not see me turn 15, then 21, then 25 and look at us now, I'm getting married in Sept and she's very healthy.

tenofcups4me

I'm in my mid-40s now and if I could have a child now (unlikely), I would. Yeah, 60 for the father is old, but you never know how much time someone has left. My grandparents died in their early 70s; DH had 2 grandparents who lived to their mid-90s. If the father is in that latter category, he could live till his daughter is in her mid-30s. Or he might reasonably die when she's a teenager, but then again, there are people who die in their 40s and 50s, leaving teenagers behind (or even younger).
 
On the flip side, it's hard for me to imagine someone who's 54 having a child old enough to get married.

ThePinkSuperhero

If you want to have a child at 50 and you're physically able, more power to you- I would think the chances of conceiving at that age would be quite small.  Me, I'd like to be done having kids by 40.

katiewhompus

That's kind of how I feel as well GreenMoon. Yes death can happen at any time, but when I was growing up I would worry about them dying from an accident or something, not just because they are at the end of their life.
Right now the CIA world factbook has the average life expectancy of the US at 78 years of age. It's hard to imagine thinking "There is a huge chance my parents won't see me graduate high school" or having a 15 year old dealing with hospital visits and things like heart attacks, stroke, etc.

I don't know, I think I overthink these things too much since Dh is 36 and it's on my mind frequently.

number55

I don't know how I feel about this because when we get married I will be 32 and neither of us are at the point where we want to start TTC right away...I could very well be 35 when we start trying and possibly 37 by the time we actually conceive (if, let's say, we need to use fertility drugs/procedures)...and that would be for the first...so let's say second at 40?  I don't think it is ideal but I am not going to rush having kids, we will have them when (if) we feel prepared. I know there will be risks if I am over 35. We will have to weight those risks when it comes time. I wish so badly that I had met FI when I was 24 instead of 31 (except he would have been just turning 18, kinda gross)...but reality is what it is.

My father was 39 when I was born and 48 when my youngest brother was born...that always seemed really old to me but now that I will likely end up having kids later in life I get it. I know it is different because I am the person who has to bear the child, but I don't want to rush it, I want to do it when it is right.

ricksang

Wait, I thought you could not have babies after menopause??!!!

Nebb

I think having kids at that age is just selfish - youre only doing it for your selfish desire to procreate, and without any thought to how that child will be brought up (with significally less active parents than all of its peers) or issues they will have to deal with concerning increased health issues from the parents. I dont think its fair.

katiewhompus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_old-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c2c75aa7-9c3a-495d-8d1a-5ea9b271a573Post:cc253095-672a-43a5-b131-331740c52883">Re: When are you too old for babies?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm in my mid-40s now and if I could have a child now (unlikely), I would. Yeah, 60 for the father is old, but you never know how much time someone has left. My grandparents died in their early 70s; DH had 2 grandparents who lived to their mid-90s. If the father is in that latter category, he could live till his daughter is in her mid-30s. Or he might reasonably die when she's a teenager, but then again, there are people who die in their 40s and 50s, leaving teenagers behind (or even younger).  <strong> On the flip side, it's hard for me to imagine someone who's 54 having a child old enough to get married.
</strong>Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]

Edit, mom is 56, dad is 55, I was 1 year off but still, they had me when they were 30/29 which I don't think is all that young.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Um, personally, I'd like to have two by the time I'm 37-38. However, FI is 8 years older than I am, so if we have the first before he's 40, that would be fine. I'd also like my kids to be 4-5 years apart. 

My parents were 25 (dad) and 27 (mom) when I was born. Which I think is sort of on the young side - obviously, since I'm 28 now. If I lived in a cheaper area and had met FI when I was 21 or 22, I'd have no problem with having kids in my 20s, but as it is, it will work best for us to have kids in 3 years or so. (Which is what my parents did - I was born one month before their 3rd anniversary.)

I know the risks of complications go up after age 35 for women, and even older men fathering children can lead to problems. We would be willing to adopt, too. 

I do have friends who have very young siblings - like, toddler age. Who have fathers in their 50s. My dad would NOT be okay with that. He already raised his family. He's fine with visiting his girlfriend's foster granddaughter at this point in life! Actually, the president of my company is 38 and has a 4 year old brother. True story. 

Edit: Fi's grandmother is going to be 100 this year, so I'm pretty sure he'll outlive me anyway!

tenofcups4me

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_old-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c2c75aa7-9c3a-495d-8d1a-5ea9b271a573Post:fce98377-fca1-4cc4-99d6-3d8824d319e4">Re: When are you too old for babies?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: When are you too old for babies? : Edit, mom is 56, dad is 55, I was 1 year off but still, they had me when they were 30/29 which I don't think is all that young.
Posted by katiewhompus[/QUOTE]

I guess it's really not young at all when you put it that way. "Young" is definitely relative. 55 used to be really old to me -- not so much anymore <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-embarassed.gif" border="0" alt="Embarassed" title="Embarassed" />

number55

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_old-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c2c75aa7-9c3a-495d-8d1a-5ea9b271a573Post:ba42fd7e-d52e-45ec-926f-d55ad022f43d">Re: When are you too old for babies?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think having kids at that age is just selfish - youre only doing it for your selfish desire to procreate, and without any thought to how that child will be brought up (with significally less active parents than all of its peers) or issues they will have to deal with concerning increased health issues from the parents. I dont think its fair.
Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]

I agree and disagree with this and here is why.

My father has congenital heart disease. When I was 14, my mother warned me that my father could literally drop dead at any moment from a heart attack. I lived with that fear from that moment on and everytime the phone rang in the middle of the night I was convinced it was because he was dead.

When I was 28 my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. I thought to myself, privately obviously, how ironic it was that I had spent so many years worried that my father would pass away but that it was my mother who had terminal cancer.

I was 29 when my mother died. She was 55. My father will turn 71 this year and while he is still at risk for a heart attack he is alive. He was 38 (almost 39 when he had me and my my mother was only 26 (almost 27 though), well within the 'safe' range of having kids, but he will be the one there on my wedding day (even though I had tried to prepare myself for the reality that he might not when I was younger).

edited: I get that having kids late in life is not the best scenario but you play the cards you are dealt in life. I am happy that my dad still had me (and both my brothers) even though he was older than other fathers of kids my age.

tenofcups4me

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_old-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c2c75aa7-9c3a-495d-8d1a-5ea9b271a573Post:ba42fd7e-d52e-45ec-926f-d55ad022f43d">Re: When are you too old for babies?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think having kids at that age is just selfish - youre only doing it for your selfish desire to procreate,
Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]

Oh please. Isn't that why anyone ever has children?

katiewhompus

Ten - Honestly that's how I feel about 30/40. I remember when 30 was "soo old" and now the majority of my friends are mid 30's to early 40's.
My boss is 38 and met with a parent of one of our high school kids the other day who was the same age (I believe kid was 14) and it really freaked him out. He has twin 7 year olds and it came as a shock that he is old enough to have fathered a high schooler.

emarston1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_old-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c2c75aa7-9c3a-495d-8d1a-5ea9b271a573Post:5a6410d0-05d3-4e1d-9418-96de753d8b3b">Re: When are you too old for babies?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: When are you too old for babies? : Oh please. Isn't that why anyone ever has children?
Posted by tenofcups4me[/QUOTE]
I kind of agree with this.  True they may have more health problems but what about the absentee parents that are never around because of their careers.  I think it is more selfish of them to have a child that they never see vs. a person who is older starting a family.

You can't shelther your child from pain and most children are around when their parents die.  I think as long as you provide a great home to grow up in, it shouldn't really matter.

christyran1228

I'm 38 and have a 13 & 14 year old, and in a couple of weeks I'm marrying a man who is 31 and has no children.  I would LOVE to have a baby with him, even though it's been a while since I've had to change a diaper.

And even though THREE women that I graduated from high school with all just had healthy, beautiful babies in the last 2 months I'm still kind of scared that me or a baby would have lots of problems.

But, at 47?  I don't know ... mine were hard to keep up with when I was 25, I couldn't imagine at almost twice that.  But that would be all that would hold me back.  I'd just say good luck.

*shrugs*

katiewhompus

This thread reminds me of my neighbors too. They do not look a day over 45 yet they have a 30 year old, 25 year old, 15 year old and 11 year old. Talk about an age range!

christyran1228

And a very dear friend of mine (who is 42) in the last 3 months adopted a 6 month old, a 9 month old and a 2 year old.  I pray for her often.  lol

RachNRich

I didn't read the responses, so pardon me if I'm stealing someone's response. I don't want to have children any later than 34/35, which gives me ten years. But that's just me. If we wait the better part of those 10 years, Rich will be 46--that would put him in the same spot he is in now with his parents; they are both 40 years+ older than him, and will probably not get to spend much time with our children because of their age. I don't want that for us...I'd really like to give us both a chance to be with our grandchildren. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_old-babies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:c2c75aa7-9c3a-495d-8d1a-5ea9b271a573Post:be17e4f9-2bc1-4922-a291-bf04fc723e28">Re: When are you too old for babies?</a>:
[QUOTE]That's kind of how I feel as well GreenMoon. Yes death can happen at any time, but when I was growing up I would worry about them dying from an accident or something, not just because they are at the end of their life. Right now the CIA world factbook has the average life expectancy of the US at 78 years of age. It's hard to imagine thinking "There is a huge chance my parents won't see me graduate high school" or having a 15 year old dealing with hospital visits and things like heart attacks, stroke, etc. I don't know,<strong> I think I overthink these things too much since Dh is 36 and it's on my mind frequently.</strong>
Posted by katiewhompus[/QUOTE]

<div>Honestly, if FI and I didn't want to try for kids, we might not be getting married this year. But we want a few years of marriage before kids, and a few years between kids, and as I said, he's 36. If we were the same age, it wouldn't be a rush.</div>

amalama

I had my daughter three weeks before I turned 22. I had always planned on having kids closer to 30 but definitely before 30.

I don't really so much judge other people who want to have kids that old, but I definitely don't think I would (even if I didn't already have one). I also don't want a huge age gap. We want another kid, but we won't be financially ready to have another for a few years at least. I think her being around 10 would probably be the latest I would want to have another baby (so I would be around 32). I just don't want to have to start all over with the baby years.

Definitely not what I had planned but sometimes that's just how it happens. I definitely don't appreciate being judged for being a younger mom, so I don't feel I should judge someone else for how kids worked out for them.

Nebb

Ive had friends with parents who were in their 60s+ and they had very different upbringings. My mom was in her mid 40s when I was 10 and it was very different than the other kids I knew with younger parents. They cant interact, play, and do the same things with their kids as younger parents can. They have different generational beliefs that probably differ from all of the other parents of their childrens friends. Theres a lot of little things.

Also, what I meant in rgards to the health issues - what teenage or early 20s kid wants to take care of an elderly parent. Really.